Painted in Twilight

Dust in the fading light,
catching the eye
as  the wind catches,
cradles us
in a loving embrace.

Slipping Away

Letting go,
the slip,
sensation of free falling
out of
away from
you.

Unperceived Thoughts (Merrily Onto Folly)

Words are falling.
Cascading,
tripping over themselves again.

I saw your face again,
reflected
in the mirror of my mind.

I sat here waiting.
Promises from years past
as I laid,
not knowing your sincerity
from pillow talk
in the middle of the night.

What mere abstract
was you
and
which were the lies
I made up
so I could sleep at night?

On and on,
so this story goes,
merest whispers on the wind
as I wait.

As ash and age
surely will follow,
and I,
am I,
fool and hopefully hopeless
to every bitter end.

Smiles with tears.
Crisscrossing
and
falling with the night.

Psalm 31

"Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am in distress.
Tears blur my eyes.
My body and soul are withering away.
I am dying from grief;
my years are shortened by sadness.
Sin has drained my strength;
I am wasting away from within."
-Psalm 31:9-10

I know there is Hope, Love and Grace.
But the waiting,
the pain of seconds becoming minutes becoming hours,
how long,
how long shall I wait?
Till my age increases
and my hair becomes fully gray
and these belittled bones into dust?

Some say it is melodrama
but my life is empty, incomplete
and at such a loss
without You, Abba, Father.

These words are nothing without You.
For it is You who gives meaning,
that creates a purpose
from being awake until dreaming,
all of the pain has this purpose
but it only is derived from You.

What shall I do?
What can I do?
What must I do?

These songs are fleeting
but I feel Your melody,
it is within me
and far without
as I wait here.
Lost in dreams
becoming nightmares,
stuck in this Beyond
never knowing
or sure.

Lover please Love me.
Do not be distant.
Or wait till I have decayed from doubt and pain,
rescue me.
Once again.
This is a trap and pain of my own devising
but You alone can rescue me.
Only You are wonderful, beautiful and perfect.
These ashes of my life will be scattered soon,
so please do not tarry.
Do not tarry Love.

Psalm 29

"Honor the LORD, you heavenly beings;
honor the LORD for his glory and strength.
Honor the LORD for the glory of his name.
Worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness."
-Psalm 29:1-2

Honor, glory and Love to thee,
my Frighteningly Beautiful Lord, to thee alone.
All of these fake gods, false idols and things that distract me,
all are nothing, were nothing and shall be nothing.

All is fading,
broken
and lost in the coming twilight.
Hope still flies.
Even in the darkest nights of my soul,
for You alone are Beautiful.
You alone are Good.
Thank You.
Thank You.
Forever deserving of worship and praise,
You have carried me.
Thank You.

Psalm 28

"I pray to you, O LORD, my rock.
Do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you are silent,
I might as well give up and die.
Listen to my prayer for mercy
as I cry out to you for help,
as I lift my hands toward your holy sanctuary. "
-Psalm 28:1-2

And so, such an apt prayer.
Such an appropriate verse to read.
My soul is trampled and lost in the mire.
It becomes a question of what may or may not.
Feeling dead, uncertainty and mixed emotions.

And yet, here we are.
Once again.
So many thoughts.
So much unknown.

I can hope.
I can fear.
So much pain.
Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and psychological.
I have not a clue who I am or what I will be.

All these words I'm muttering are about me.
Where are You in this pain?
How far are You?
My Love, my Abba, the one closest and somehow furthest away.
I will wither without Your Love.
Look at this mess of a life.
The Fibromyalgia, anxiety, surgeries, pain, reckless pain.
My soul is dry and dead without You.

Food, music, sunlight, air, stories, work, reading...all have lost their flavor.
Like salt which has gone beyond use, they no longer bring anything relevant or useful to my life.

Here I am.
Praying.
Hoping.
There is hope, even with my despair and pain...the Light has burned even brighter.
That there is more than this pain.
And fading humanity.

Whatever happens, give me grace and conviction to turn back to You.
This broken heart, this wounded soul need You.
I thirst for Your Love and Spirit.
For Grace again.
To fall in Love again but more than that...to remember the Cross and follow.
To carry the burden of Yours that is not a burden.
To let loose this poison and hold to You.

One step forward medically and multiple steps back with physical pain.
Spiritual pain as well...death in the family and aching for a friend who is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I tend to be stuck between alot of rocks and a lot of hard places.
Sometimes I am not sure WHICH are the rocks and WHICH are the hard places.

But there is prayer.
Grace beyond understanding.
An all encompassing hurricane of love that is my Abba, my God and Strength, my Love and Lover.
I breath and live for such as Thee.
Such paltry and simple words...as I am amazed.

The pain will end.
One day.
Just not today it seems.

Faith Stranger Than Fiction

Waves beat across the shore,
birds are crying
and we're holding back tears.
Seeing your dreams dashed to pieces
sending this mournful aching
through my chest,
hearts filled with this fear.

Messiah born in Bethlehem,
wearing thorns
and splinters in Your skin,
this blood You spilled
with all my sins that you bore,
what foolishness is this?
In all of this,
my shame is all I have,
this life profane
and this is how grace will begin?

This foolishness saving my life
burning in my soul,
a fire to my bones
as I lay in wait,
on this shore of broken dreams
naught that I can own,
just this regret
and a scream,
a need to be redeemed.

Under Skin, Under Spirit

And as the hours passed
the evening darkened,
the night took hold
and slowly strangled the light.

Removing any visages of hope
leaving a hollow space.
Madness and fear,
walk hand in hand
down the vale of broken spine
and slide into my soul.

Reminding,
screaming
and beating
home the message
that this is all fake.

Living, and Missing the Dreams

Weird how life always continues.
"With or without you"
It is really just so strange to be alive.
Feeling.
Breathing.
Aching.
Hurting.

Feeling the air enter and leave, my body aching while fighting off the virus and bacterias that keep trying to kill it.

The nerve cells freaking out and screaming messages here and there.

But air and water pass through my body, somehow allowing my soul to maneuver, fire thoughts that are interpreted by my aching, shaking hands.

Life.
Alive.
Beauty even while there is pain.
Goodness even when there is a dark.
The Darkness cannot overcome.
Hope lives.


Love will win.

Night Courses in Despondency

Clicking into midnight,
falling, falling and spinning
working for insight
just as the static rises
blinding and aching in my soul,
wanting you,
yeah babe just wanting You.

Interference on the horizon,
losing sight
and the distance hurts.
Yeah it's a given
but with the fading light
it's just death to my comfort.

Again, again and again
spinning on life's merry-go-round
and thought I've wanted off,
here I will stay.

Spinning, fading and dreaming.
Night coming and going,
learning and plotting
and hoping
just hoping for more.

Psalm 79

"Help us, O God of our salvation!
Help us for the glory of your name.
Save us and forgive our sins
for the honor of your name."
-Psalm 79:9

I never know what to pray and as much as I claim to dislike the Psalms...seems every time I make myself read there is something relevant.

I feel so...disconnected, so out of synch.
With this.
That.
Everything.
Everyone.
This world.
The Church.

You are the only One whom I know and feel any peace with.
Others do help.
Prayer.
Comfort.
Love.
But only You understand.
Only You grasp who this fool typing is.
And have poured out boundless love on me.
Time again.
Wiped away sin.
Purified and cleansed the mess of my soul.

But once again here we are.
Public records and melting pots of confusion.
Why do I persist in this foolishness?
I'm not quite sure if I made the point of the extent of my silliness if not insanity.
But I keep trying.
With some modest success I might add.

Once again we must away.
Cover me in Love, Hope and Grace.
Not the abstract ideas that most people seem to think of.
But the Love which pulled me from Hell.
And is continually pulling me out of my personal Hell.
This war against depression, anxiety, ptsd and panic attacks.

Yeah.
You know.
You alone.
Here we go again.
Thank You.

Psalm 77

"I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
Oh, that God would listen to me!
When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help.
Interlude
You don’t let me sleep.
I am too distressed even to pray!
I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion?"
-Psalm 77:1-9

So.
Yeah.
You do that thing.
Where you do that thing.
And that other thing.
Knowing.
Seeing.
Predestination.
Depression, panic attack, anxiety, pain, nausea, fear, doubt, argument, need to be held, to cry, to love and be loved...and Lover, You whisper to me across this unfathomable divide between here and Eternity.

Whisper such sweet Love.
Compassion for my wounds.
Love to this broken soul.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Words are never enough.
Never can be, never could be enough.

Psalm 75

"It is God alone who judges;
he decides who will rise and who will fall."
-Psalm 75:7

I wish I had more to say.
Things are so vague.
So blank.
Washing out and falling away.
Wondering, wonder and hope.

Psalm 72

^"He will rescue the poor when they cry to him;
he will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them.
He feels pity for the weak and the needy,
and he will rescue them.
He will redeem them from oppression and violence,
for their lives are precious to him."
-Psalm 72:12-14

So much heart-wrenching irony.

I wish I had answers for everything and everyone.
Or at least myself.
It seems the path to recovery is full of falling down, scraping my knees, fighting by tears, getting up and continue to walk on in despite of the pain.

When you rip away the titles the self serving gibberish and all the lies we tell to ourselves in order to justify what we do...we are more frighteningly alike than we would ever care to admit.

That leaves me responsible for me.
Accepting.
Forgiving.
Moving.
Loving.
Me.

Change is so terrifying.
So beautiful, so terrifying, so wonderful.
All at once.
Thanks for being a King and a God who knows what reality, what humanity is...for being God and man at once...full Theos and fully human bound flesh...enigma and paradox...so much love.

My heart cries out for You.
Nothing else is real.
Everything else is fading.
Thank You for never giving up on me.

Giving, Living, Wishing while Adrift in this boat

If I speak,
will you listen?
If I screamed,
could you hear?

Distance is making reality dimmer
as the hope tunes out
with static glistens
air waving like it simmers.

Lips forming words
and breath giving life
as they stream,
pouring out of my soul
and still you cannot hear
just like plunging a sword
stirring up the strife
and still I dream.

Mixing metaphors
and matching symptoms
just so I can justify bleeding
out of my heart
and onto this page.

Minimizing pleasure
while maximizing the pain,
seems I became masochistic
did that happen overnight?

I offer all I offer
and say all I say.

Pretentious poem
begging for answers
just as well
the poet
doesn't have the tools
or means
of fixing this
machine
as it falls,
falters
and falls apart.