Psalm 28

"I pray to you, O LORD, my rock.
Do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you are silent,
I might as well give up and die.
Listen to my prayer for mercy
as I cry out to you for help,
as I lift my hands toward your holy sanctuary. "
-Psalm 28:1-2

And so, such an apt prayer.
Such an appropriate verse to read.
My soul is trampled and lost in the mire.
It becomes a question of what may or may not.
Feeling dead, uncertainty and mixed emotions.

And yet, here we are.
Once again.
So many thoughts.
So much unknown.

I can hope.
I can fear.
So much pain.
Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and psychological.
I have not a clue who I am or what I will be.

All these words I'm muttering are about me.
Where are You in this pain?
How far are You?
My Love, my Abba, the one closest and somehow furthest away.
I will wither without Your Love.
Look at this mess of a life.
The Fibromyalgia, anxiety, surgeries, pain, reckless pain.
My soul is dry and dead without You.

Food, music, sunlight, air, stories, work, reading...all have lost their flavor.
Like salt which has gone beyond use, they no longer bring anything relevant or useful to my life.

Here I am.
Praying.
Hoping.
There is hope, even with my despair and pain...the Light has burned even brighter.
That there is more than this pain.
And fading humanity.

Whatever happens, give me grace and conviction to turn back to You.
This broken heart, this wounded soul need You.
I thirst for Your Love and Spirit.
For Grace again.
To fall in Love again but more than that...to remember the Cross and follow.
To carry the burden of Yours that is not a burden.
To let loose this poison and hold to You.