Old Thoughts, Fears Beloved Run Amuck

I have such a way of viewing things...that I am surprised I have as many relationships as I have.

Am I not being true to myself?
Or to Jesus?

I don't like to offend people but my Love is something I will never compromise on...I can't stand the thought of how my sins have caused so much infinite pain...so I refuse to see out my Love just to make life easier.

I want to love like I never have been able to, I want to change so I can be more of a light to the world...I want to go Home so badly but I'm here for a reason...I'm so tired, my body aches so completely and my soul is exhausted...Father, give me strength to run this race.

I want to give up, I want to quit, I want to simply lay down so my body can give up this spirit and allow me freedom.

I want to be taken from this shell and brought to You.
I want to touch You.
I am a man of unclean lips, my ways have never been Your ways, I am no better than my fathers, I deserve so much worse...and yet You have rescued me from this Hell. You have lifted me out of this mud, You have wiped my soul clean, You have forgiven me of a multitude of sin.

How can I begin to respond?
In fear, holy terror of Your infinite love and how You can easily save as destroy me, how You forgive me as You hold me.
Thank You for never making salvation performance based, thank You for choosing me, for loving me, for saving me...God, Jesus, thank You so much...thank You so much.

I feel hope in my chest, in between the moments of pain and fear...I feel such vivid hope.

In the middle of this dark night, in the middle of my pains You take me, You break me, You love me, You complete me.

No human can do this.
No woman, no friends, no nothing, nothing at all can make my soul burn like You do.
I'm a fool for never realizing how desperately I'm in love with You and will be the rest of my days.

It feels foolish but I wish to dance, I want to loose myself in this live, I want to die so I can live again in You...I want to see Matthew Pike die and vanish for good and just this old man be gone so You can remake me.

I'm tired of the old sins, I'm tired of being human, I'm tired of being so sick, I'm so very exhausted from being human. I want to be new, I want to be made clean.

Please.

There is no one like you, there never could be, You are so beautiful, so perfect, so beyond any comprehension.

Saying You are love is an insult, saying you are grace and good are never enough...You are so beyond anything I could imagine.

You first went to that nine year old kid to save him...and then you called that frightened fourteen year old to serve You.

Why?

I can't pretend to understand it...I can't.
I want to...but as always Your beauty and mystery elude my feeble mind.


I want to lay here...and just breath deep while I can.
Take this hate away, take away my fear.
Be my vision, my sight, my hands and feet.
Cleanse me like only You can.
Dear Jesus, love me like only You can oh Lover,
hold me close and teach me what it means to love.