Prayer for Salvation

You win some.
You loose some.
And other times your mind runs ahead of itself and into tangents that were pointless to begin with.

Clarity.
Focus.
A deep breath.
The darkness of the soul thrives on the chaos embodied in confusion.
It is hate which seeks control.
It is rage at the injustice.
It is the Dark Ones in the shadows which seek to reach and latch onto my soul.

My anger is no resolve for holiness.
It merely opens up the floodgates to the evil around me.
The sonic explosion of my scream as I turn against you and beat my fists into your mind, into your soul and rip apart your emotional immaturity is nothing but the source of the villainy inside of me.

I talk an excellent game of spiritual hypocrisy as my soul instantly runs to rage at the second I loose my footing.

I seek my own will, I see my own path, I want the world, I want the mindless self indulgence and as soon as I receive what I beg for...I explode in rage. I sell my soul at a cheap discount price to this world's religious whores for useless change.

I hate all of you.

This world will burn with the fuel of my senseless and depraved ego.

And why?

So I might make a mark?

Rage, seething and useless rage.

Rage that I let consume my heart, like the cancerous lust that forms the base of my mindless addictions. None of you reading this will understand, can understand the processes of my mental faculties because it would require you to listen beyond what is comfortable.

I want to destroy the world with my rage.

But my desire is to burn this tower of Babel I built with my hands.
This profane and perverse altar of Baal that I am willing to cut my wrists and bleed over as a sacrifice.
I want to eradicate this altar to Moloch on which I sacrificed my childhood innocence and what was stolen from me by the bastard demons that I see mocking me from the shadows.

Rage.

Furious rage.

An exhaustive collection of self entitled redundancy that I cannot possibly explain because you will never bother to try and look to see things through my eyes.

I want to throw up, I want to be sick just so I can get this poison out of my system. I want a cure that will let me never hurt inside, that will deliver me from every emotional insecurity and make me invincible when it comes from this ever so false sweet words that were nothing more than lies contrived to fool me into believing in the fragile and useless human heart.

I want my rage, I want my wrath to have no end but ultimately I am just as useless as I am weak.

I lay in wasted pain as I throw up the poison in my lungs and I cry for help.
I cry because I do not know why I am angry.
Do I have a right to spit venom because I wear my heart on my sleeve?
Do I have right to wage war because I cannot control my mind?
Because I refuse to control my mind?
Do I have fair access to violence to use in destroying the evil in me?

Love is the only cure for this useless disease of hate that consume my body, my mind, my soul, my entire being...every breath I take is corrupted, every thought is weak and I lay down and simply cry.

I am lost without You.
Everything else is useless.
I wasted breath on useless things.
I cried out to You and need to be rescued.
I want to be cut out of this reality and returned to You.
I want to feel my spirit leave while it can, I no longer know why I have fought.
I just know that You are You and all I want.

Rip my desires away, tear away this torn soul that lays in tatters. I do not want to desire this anymore...I not longer want to feel the need for any intimacy outside of Yours. I don't want to be touched, I no longer want to feel...I just want to feel the full power of Your wrath against the sins I refuse to repent of.

Destroy me.
Smite my existence into nothing.
Bring me into the lower levels of Hell so I will no longer be.
Break apart every molecule, split every cell and divide every corrupted atom that composes my existence.

Destroy me before I spread the plague of my hate.

And rebuild me.
Create me anew.
Make me good, make me pure like only You can.
I can do nothing expect pray for solace, pray Your love endures my senseless pride.

I am lost about what to do.
My plans are nothing.
I am nothing less than a broken tool in a war against life.
Convert me.
Beat me from a sword into a plow-sheer.

I've seen everyone around as being part of some utterly useless game.
I've seen and felt emotions that were ultimately a part of nothing more than the false reality my mind created for me to live in. As soon as reality hits the cracks appear and blossom into this ugly red thing that is my blood pouring steady from the black lined veins.

I see the spider in my heart, the unholiness that seeks my will as its own.

I can't pray for You to forgive me Father because I knew, I knew going in the addiction and the hate I feel when things do not work. I know how useless and ultimately pointless every relationship, every connection is.

They leave or more often than not simply die.
It's the root of my insecurity, I want humans to last and to be God for me. I want to be treated like a child and feel my hand being pulled when all I have left is this soul, this beaten soul covered in mud.

Can You still clean me up?
Do You even want me still?
Why, why did You die for worthless scum like me?
Why did You create this disgusting race of humanity?
We're not even worth the dignity of being stepped on like a cockroach.
We have achieved nothing and will only succeed in killing ourselves faster by the second.

How are we made in Your image, when all we do is eradicate?
Are we just made to die?

Don't leave things as they are.
Don't let things remain.

Break me, destroy me, rip me asunder and make me a tool for You.
Make me something that will heal instead of destroy.
My life is worthless.
Save me, heal me or eradicate me before I take the task into my own hands.

I cannot be content with going halfway.
You know my heart and how much hurt I suffer from trusting and giving it away to things that never had a right to hold it. All I wanted was a perfect cherry blossom in a world that only burns and eats at the beauty in it.

I want to vent my venom and rage by ripping the demons apart with my bleeding hands. I want to fulfill my need for senseless hate by creating the next generation of broken.



Everything is spinning, falling and twisting out of control.

Jesus, Jesus, I know I'm not alone.
I know I have never been alone.
I know others will stand with me but it still hurts.
I feel isolated.
Like my soul is being eaten by cancer.
Please do not leave me here.
Give me my task,
send me now.
Do you not see the angst,
the anguish shredding my soul to pieces?
I want to love but I want to leave this Hell!
I hate it here,
I can't stand the feelings of isolation,
knowing I'm abandonment
and knowing these feelings will only worsen.
Jesus, this world is so fucked up.
All the innocents raped and murdered
and somehow,
somehow this is Your perfect will?

Hold me Jesus.
I only have You.
I will only have You.
I wasn't made to hug others
so please hold me.
Take me in Your arms,
give me a holy kiss
and purify me of me.
I want to give You me,
give You my soul all over again.
My body, my mind, my heart
and my everything.
Make this new day new.
Like only you can do.
Abba, Father, Lover
take this soul.
Forever and forevermore.