Was awake enough tonight to watch "The Boondock Saints".
A freaking brilliant film.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Quote of the Day:
“You can judge the quality of their faith from the way they behave. Discipline is an index to doctrine.”
-Tertullian
-Tertullian
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I can't remember why...
I need help to even be able to think of why I should wake up...why I am fighting.
I feel...I feel...is that part of the problem?
Seeing those who hurt...it's like it is pulled into my soul...
I'm so tired...so tired...
I'm trying to smile but I'm so tired and I ache so badly right now...
Jesus...please do not leave me here with myself as my only companion.
I need help to even be able to think of why I should wake up...why I am fighting.
I feel...I feel...is that part of the problem?
Seeing those who hurt...it's like it is pulled into my soul...
I'm so tired...so tired...
I'm trying to smile but I'm so tired and I ache so badly right now...
Jesus...please do not leave me here with myself as my only companion.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Early Morning Reflections in the Ice
Levels of goodness and duality mixed with the profound dissatisfaction that comes with expectations being broken upon the harsh paved path of reality.
I cannot express the exact feelings and thoughts that course through my mind, open wounds and curious sights.
Beloved vistas being bathed in disconcerting greens and violets, reasons of being escaping me as the overall meaning gets lost in the pages between reality and the perverse.
Profoundly happy, nihilistic flag waving, thoughts permeate my mind at this hour.
Lack of sleep.
Yes, lack of soul.
I'm addicted to attention and feeling whatever it is my tainted and twisted soul longs for at any given moment. The twisted nethers swirl in movements of hope and the dance of enticing my every last desire.
I want to be freed from this nature that attempts to rip my Love apart. I cannot love, it is impossible for the base nature of my soul and being is perverse hate, born out of rebellion that rejects all good.
I am nothing more than a broken instrument of war longing to kill and destroy.
My only hope is the sacred Lover who knew no sin, who has carried my failures from the heavens, to the earth, to Hell and back to life and reunited with Love.
He took the full cup of the wrath of God, drank of it fully and placed it down and never flinched.
Sin, is so real and is manifest in every lie and lust that tries to own my soul and make me into the fel beast that does nothing but pridefully desires everything that is not mine.
My selfishness threatens to consume me.
But I refuse to become this forsaken.
This mindless beast.
I cannot express the exact feelings and thoughts that course through my mind, open wounds and curious sights.
Beloved vistas being bathed in disconcerting greens and violets, reasons of being escaping me as the overall meaning gets lost in the pages between reality and the perverse.
Profoundly happy, nihilistic flag waving, thoughts permeate my mind at this hour.
Lack of sleep.
Yes, lack of soul.
I'm addicted to attention and feeling whatever it is my tainted and twisted soul longs for at any given moment. The twisted nethers swirl in movements of hope and the dance of enticing my every last desire.
I want to be freed from this nature that attempts to rip my Love apart. I cannot love, it is impossible for the base nature of my soul and being is perverse hate, born out of rebellion that rejects all good.
I am nothing more than a broken instrument of war longing to kill and destroy.
My only hope is the sacred Lover who knew no sin, who has carried my failures from the heavens, to the earth, to Hell and back to life and reunited with Love.
He took the full cup of the wrath of God, drank of it fully and placed it down and never flinched.
Sin, is so real and is manifest in every lie and lust that tries to own my soul and make me into the fel beast that does nothing but pridefully desires everything that is not mine.
My selfishness threatens to consume me.
But I refuse to become this forsaken.
This mindless beast.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Isaiah 53
Who believes what we've heard and seen? Who would have thought God's saving power would look like this?
The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field.
There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him.
He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.
Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin
so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.
Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep.
The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field.
There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him.
He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.
Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin
so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.
Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Grace Lying in the Snow
Grace.
Living in broken world it feels like a cheap phrase.
It feels like I'm holding a mirror just to have selective vision.
It is the glue holding things together even when I've checked out.
Every word I speak can be proven false
as I hold tight and hope against hope
that every ounce of this is true.
Either the cross is everything or nothing
and my only hope is on this Nazarene.
Outcast and despised, a man of sorrows
who walked this path before me.
I speak of beauty but have never seen it,
I write of hope but have never felt it.
Every last expression of this soul
is lost in this empty religious display.
There is nothing in the manger right now
just as there is nothing in the tomb.
It is a poor man's show
and than we get it put on display
on the street corner
where everyone can see it.
The badge on my sleeve
and the cross around my throat
as I fumble for words
that will never come.
You ask for answers I cannot give,
for my soul is poised to beg in shame
as my mind is but the cornerstone
of this foolish pride.
I have nothing to give.
The only hope I have seen
remains diligently unseen
and the love I have flows
from the heart of the One holding this all.
Trite and vain,
meaningless I have tried
and all I can give are these hands
along with this shaking voice.
It's Christmas time
and Jesus I just wish we could stop the pain.
I'm sick of the fighting, the addictions
and beating ourselves into the ground.
The destitute hungry along with outcast dying of disease,
did you watch me past by the starving beggar
or the prostitute offering tricks for drugs?
Jesus did you see the pride in my heart
as I justify judging
as though Nietzsche was right and You died
just so I can be king?
The Truth is only You
and still I am looking and searching
hoping to find a way to validate my pride.
Words keep sticking in my throat
and I say I do not know
because the Truth terrifies me.
This time of year brings me so much terror
because it faces me to look into history
and see how true truth really is.
You will be You,
eternally now.
The more people try to persuade me otherwise
Your Love is all I can see.
The fire of my doubts will not cease
until I feel the arms of eternity around me
and the nail scarred hands wipe away my tears.
The fear in my soul
and the sin that is a disease
will one day be no more
and I will be freed to love
and love only like one touched by eternity can.
Living in broken world it feels like a cheap phrase.
It feels like I'm holding a mirror just to have selective vision.
It is the glue holding things together even when I've checked out.
Every word I speak can be proven false
as I hold tight and hope against hope
that every ounce of this is true.
Either the cross is everything or nothing
and my only hope is on this Nazarene.
Outcast and despised, a man of sorrows
who walked this path before me.
I speak of beauty but have never seen it,
I write of hope but have never felt it.
Every last expression of this soul
is lost in this empty religious display.
There is nothing in the manger right now
just as there is nothing in the tomb.
It is a poor man's show
and than we get it put on display
on the street corner
where everyone can see it.
The badge on my sleeve
and the cross around my throat
as I fumble for words
that will never come.
You ask for answers I cannot give,
for my soul is poised to beg in shame
as my mind is but the cornerstone
of this foolish pride.
I have nothing to give.
The only hope I have seen
remains diligently unseen
and the love I have flows
from the heart of the One holding this all.
Trite and vain,
meaningless I have tried
and all I can give are these hands
along with this shaking voice.
It's Christmas time
and Jesus I just wish we could stop the pain.
I'm sick of the fighting, the addictions
and beating ourselves into the ground.
The destitute hungry along with outcast dying of disease,
did you watch me past by the starving beggar
or the prostitute offering tricks for drugs?
Jesus did you see the pride in my heart
as I justify judging
as though Nietzsche was right and You died
just so I can be king?
The Truth is only You
and still I am looking and searching
hoping to find a way to validate my pride.
Words keep sticking in my throat
and I say I do not know
because the Truth terrifies me.
This time of year brings me so much terror
because it faces me to look into history
and see how true truth really is.
You will be You,
eternally now.
The more people try to persuade me otherwise
Your Love is all I can see.
The fire of my doubts will not cease
until I feel the arms of eternity around me
and the nail scarred hands wipe away my tears.
The fear in my soul
and the sin that is a disease
will one day be no more
and I will be freed to love
and love only like one touched by eternity can.
Some Things of Note:
-I suck at wrapping gifts. I had little money to buy anything but a few books will have to do for now.
-Spike TV has been running a Star Wars marathon, the prequels are so bad they make my soul sad...but at least the original trilogy brings back many happy memories.
-I'm happy that it's Christmas Eve, I feel anticipation and happiness about being able to fit in somewhere and not feel like I'm some sort of perpetual and utterly useless burden.
-Last week I killed the Christmas tree trying to fix the lights. Finally the darn thing is lit back all the way and I'm about to try and rectify the lack of ornaments before dinner tonight.
-I miss a few things about home but I'm glad I'm leaving to go back to school otherwise I have no idea when I would be going back south.
-Brave Saint Saturn's song "Space Robot Five" has become my temporary theme song.
-Spike TV has been running a Star Wars marathon, the prequels are so bad they make my soul sad...but at least the original trilogy brings back many happy memories.
-I'm happy that it's Christmas Eve, I feel anticipation and happiness about being able to fit in somewhere and not feel like I'm some sort of perpetual and utterly useless burden.
-Last week I killed the Christmas tree trying to fix the lights. Finally the darn thing is lit back all the way and I'm about to try and rectify the lack of ornaments before dinner tonight.
-I miss a few things about home but I'm glad I'm leaving to go back to school otherwise I have no idea when I would be going back south.
-Brave Saint Saturn's song "Space Robot Five" has become my temporary theme song.
Quote of the Day:
“All sin has its being and origin in the fact that man wants to be his own judge. And in wanting to be that, and thinking and acting accordingly, he and his whole world is in conflict with God. It is an unreconciled world, and therefore a suffering world, a world given up to destruction.”
-Karl Barth
-Karl Barth
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Quote of the Day:
“I hold a beast, an angel and a madman in me, and my inquiry is as to their working, and my problem is their subjugation and victory, downthrow and upheaval, and my effort is their self-expression.”
-Dylan Thomas
-Dylan Thomas
Bitterly Venom Lies
I'm sorry but I must say no.
I refuse to compromise my soul
and give free reign
with the power of control
to the likes of you.
Love is merely a currency
in your vernacular
and every form of your kindness
is just another Hellish smile.
Take the knives out of their backs
and feel free
to fall on them
and rid the world
of just another lying voice
and join your father,
the one who speaks in serpent tongues.
I refuse to compromise my soul
and give free reign
with the power of control
to the likes of you.
Love is merely a currency
in your vernacular
and every form of your kindness
is just another Hellish smile.
Take the knives out of their backs
and feel free
to fall on them
and rid the world
of just another lying voice
and join your father,
the one who speaks in serpent tongues.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Red Eyes
Redundant thoughts pertaining
and recalling every second here,
freeing in this falling space
as hope in light breaking dark
with every second just passing.
Anger, raw emotion at this breaking point
of no knowing and reinventing my steps
with the pulsing heart beats
and blood dripping from the arteries
into the mind of sin.
Pretty,
falling and flying
mammon and machine
everything you never seen.
Bleeding sentiment
while falling over the trapping
of your eclipsed soul,
food for thought
and devour all you see.
Justice in inaction
with beautiful painted glass ornaments
that mean more
than the living soul
you placed within it.
and recalling every second here,
freeing in this falling space
as hope in light breaking dark
with every second just passing.
Anger, raw emotion at this breaking point
of no knowing and reinventing my steps
with the pulsing heart beats
and blood dripping from the arteries
into the mind of sin.
Pretty,
falling and flying
mammon and machine
everything you never seen.
Bleeding sentiment
while falling over the trapping
of your eclipsed soul,
food for thought
and devour all you see.
Justice in inaction
with beautiful painted glass ornaments
that mean more
than the living soul
you placed within it.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Quote of the Day:
“We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn.'”
-C.S. Lewis quote
-C.S. Lewis quote
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Poor Offerings to the Muse
I've never had
never had enough,
enough of these words
or of hope to share.
Life has taken
much more than it's given
but here you are.
Isolated,
but never truly alone.
Distance is a pale metaphor
for love
and time is never a friend
except when counting the seconds
of being blessed
and the uptake of the burning inspiration
of your Muse whisperings in my ear.
Words can never be enough
to give definition
and figure
to the hope
and the love
and all these words
will never be able to
give justice
or make the beauty have life
until you breath inspiration over it
and realize,
just realize the creative spirit
and brightness you inspire.
Even in the Darkness
there is hope
and more and more Light
because you are there.
Hold on,
the resolution is coming
and even when the curtain falls
the beauty of Love
shall never die.
never had enough,
enough of these words
or of hope to share.
Life has taken
much more than it's given
but here you are.
Isolated,
but never truly alone.
Distance is a pale metaphor
for love
and time is never a friend
except when counting the seconds
of being blessed
and the uptake of the burning inspiration
of your Muse whisperings in my ear.
Words can never be enough
to give definition
and figure
to the hope
and the love
and all these words
will never be able to
give justice
or make the beauty have life
until you breath inspiration over it
and realize,
just realize the creative spirit
and brightness you inspire.
Even in the Darkness
there is hope
and more and more Light
because you are there.
Hold on,
the resolution is coming
and even when the curtain falls
the beauty of Love
shall never die.
Quote of the Day:
“Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are.”
-Augustine of Hippo
-Augustine of Hippo
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Just one of those days spent waiting...
There are not words enough to voice my thoughts...to give justice to the multitude of questions, doubts, fears, hope, needs and shallow love I have to express to You, Lover of the Soul.
Everything I have hoped for...has it been in vain?
It feels so much that everything I have wanted has been the wrong thing, much less the wrong thing at the wrong time.
I'm a child who has lost his way and can't figure out my left hand from my right.
Why in the name of God would You want to trust me with taking the Gospel anywhere? I can't find my voice, I am so scared too...my shallow heart wants to have everyone love me and I am terrified of being hated.
I'm so sick from not feeling You my Love, I'm so sick and I need You more than I need anything in this life, in this world...everything is a cancer eating at me...I loose my sight and I cannot see...I cannot feel and I just feel like I am making a religious display that should just be burned away.
I need Truth, ergo I need You.
Nothing else, nothing else matters.
I will traverse this wasteland alone if it will please You.
I just...need You, can You understand that?
Need, desperate need where I ache so desperately for You.
Every relationship I have with people is going to die, everything I have ever loved is going to fade...and then what?
I feel like my soul is just full of garbage and lies...do I have anything beyond the base elements? Anything that is more substantial than...'maybe'? I have to equate love and faith as different sides of the same coin...I can't see either and I barely feel them in this cold night...
Paradox?
Is that what it boils down to...unreconciled contradictions that cause my heart and soul to endlessly ache?
The pain isn't in the emptiness...but that things have yet to be fulfilled...there is the hope and longing want that maybe...just maybe...this side of Eternity there will be...things might...just...
Jesus, You know how to make the word 'maybe' into such a loaded noun.
I'm not the kind of person who is okay not asking questions...if I didn't voice my doubt and fear...what shreds of sanity I have left would have jumped ship years ago...like it almost did back in college.
What now?
What next?
The more I read and the more I try to know...the less I understand and the less I know...give and take?
Just...help this, help me become something beautiful...
Everything I have hoped for...has it been in vain?
It feels so much that everything I have wanted has been the wrong thing, much less the wrong thing at the wrong time.
I'm a child who has lost his way and can't figure out my left hand from my right.
Why in the name of God would You want to trust me with taking the Gospel anywhere? I can't find my voice, I am so scared too...my shallow heart wants to have everyone love me and I am terrified of being hated.
I'm so sick from not feeling You my Love, I'm so sick and I need You more than I need anything in this life, in this world...everything is a cancer eating at me...I loose my sight and I cannot see...I cannot feel and I just feel like I am making a religious display that should just be burned away.
I need Truth, ergo I need You.
Nothing else, nothing else matters.
I will traverse this wasteland alone if it will please You.
I just...need You, can You understand that?
Need, desperate need where I ache so desperately for You.
Every relationship I have with people is going to die, everything I have ever loved is going to fade...and then what?
I feel like my soul is just full of garbage and lies...do I have anything beyond the base elements? Anything that is more substantial than...'maybe'? I have to equate love and faith as different sides of the same coin...I can't see either and I barely feel them in this cold night...
Paradox?
Is that what it boils down to...unreconciled contradictions that cause my heart and soul to endlessly ache?
The pain isn't in the emptiness...but that things have yet to be fulfilled...there is the hope and longing want that maybe...just maybe...this side of Eternity there will be...things might...just...
Jesus, You know how to make the word 'maybe' into such a loaded noun.
I'm not the kind of person who is okay not asking questions...if I didn't voice my doubt and fear...what shreds of sanity I have left would have jumped ship years ago...like it almost did back in college.
What now?
What next?
The more I read and the more I try to know...the less I understand and the less I know...give and take?
Just...help this, help me become something beautiful...
Quote of the Day:
"A fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came out to warn the public; they thought it was a joke and applauded. He repeated it; the acclaim was even greater. I think that's just how the world will come to an end: to the general applause of wits who believe it's a joke."
-Soren Kierkegaard
-Soren Kierkegaard
Friday, December 18, 2009
Dear Jesus
Thank you for letting one of my friends be clear of cancer.
One down and one to go.
Can we try to make this a two for two please?
Thank you.
Regards;
-Matt.
One down and one to go.
Can we try to make this a two for two please?
Thank you.
Regards;
-Matt.
Quote of the Day:
"To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem."
-Douglas Adams
-Douglas Adams
Logical Reversals
Day and night,
night and day.
Hours, minuted and seconds
just bleeding into the next.
Perception fading in and out
set to the rhythm
of your broken
and bleeding hearts.
Lacking substantial rhyme or reason
for this display
of turbulence
I just loose myself
and pray,
just pray for the coming Light.
Pain,
blinding and all encompassing,
pain that rips my body asunder
and pulls my soul out of its apathy
as I collapse gasping for air.
Value judgment calls
about the worth of the person
who lacks your dogma,
and I can't help but feel pity
for the close minds
that cause so much pain.
I want to feel again,
I want my heart and soul to bleed
and feel the hope
as they feel in pain.
Every last passing second
as I wait and cry
I will stand and die
just to feel
Your heartbeat again.
I have nothing
but this heart to given,
broken and black
as I hope for something more.
night and day.
Hours, minuted and seconds
just bleeding into the next.
Perception fading in and out
set to the rhythm
of your broken
and bleeding hearts.
Lacking substantial rhyme or reason
for this display
of turbulence
I just loose myself
and pray,
just pray for the coming Light.
Pain,
blinding and all encompassing,
pain that rips my body asunder
and pulls my soul out of its apathy
as I collapse gasping for air.
Value judgment calls
about the worth of the person
who lacks your dogma,
and I can't help but feel pity
for the close minds
that cause so much pain.
I want to feel again,
I want my heart and soul to bleed
and feel the hope
as they feel in pain.
Every last passing second
as I wait and cry
I will stand and die
just to feel
Your heartbeat again.
I have nothing
but this heart to given,
broken and black
as I hope for something more.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
"Your eyes
Are always there
Your eyes
Are what I came for
Your eyes
Drive away my fear
Your eyes
I could just stand there and adore
Stop just right there
Everything has to stop to steal time
For whom I want to be near
Yes I do care and I love the love we share
And I know You're alive
I'll give my heart to survive
This world has nothing to offer a human soul
Reaching for the sky
So Father of light
Keep this human spirit alive"
Are always there
Your eyes
Are what I came for
Your eyes
Drive away my fear
Your eyes
I could just stand there and adore
Stop just right there
Everything has to stop to steal time
For whom I want to be near
Yes I do care and I love the love we share
And I know You're alive
I'll give my heart to survive
This world has nothing to offer a human soul
Reaching for the sky
So Father of light
Keep this human spirit alive"
Quote of the Day:
“God creates out of nothing. Wonderful you say. Yes, to be sure, but he does what is still more wonderful: he makes saints out of sinners.”
-Soren Kierkegaard
-Soren Kierkegaard
Falling, Falling...
In so many words I just wish God would open the heavens and direct me to someplace like he did the prophets in the Old Testament and the Apostles in the New Testament.
It feels like every time I have 'felt' God tell me to go somewhere...things have blown up in my face in one way or another.
I'm still rather baffled about being in Chicago.
This has been...actually relaxing...I've enjoyed meeting new people (despite cultural, religious and philosophical differences being so extreme at times) and it wasn't uncomfortable.
The thing that makes me upset is that these beautiful people would not be accepted by most Christians and churches I know. Because of the lifestyles, beliefs and language they use...this would make the majority of the people I know that are 'good' Christians uncomfortable enough to ignore them.
For those keeping score at home, yes this is irony because I am making both assumption and judgment based upon previous experience...but honestly I can hear the conversations in my head.
It would take place at a circle table at church, people asking for prayer for such 'poor, ungodly people' for their unspeakable sins they commit. Why is prayer seemingly always turned into this chance for gossip?
Value judgments aside, where did this asinine assumption of superiority come from?
Growing up, why were we always told to not make friends with non Christians? That if we're around 'bad' people they would rub off on us?
Where is Jesus to be found in that load of crap?
There is nothing to be found in gathering together with the same tired cliches and useless expressions of holiness. I keep going on about how I want to break down barriers but the biggest hurdle is my own judgmental heart full of sin and pain.
Every time I think I know where my Nineveh is...things change and keep changing...action and reaction...things are it's own every growing mess of confusion. I think maybe it's because of my skewed perception that I think I am lost.
I'm starting to believe I am here...right here, in this chair, in this apartment in a suburb of Chicago for a real reason. What that reason is...I know not and any absolute certainty at this point is sheer silliness.
It's like the people so enamored with being in love that they only see what they want to see...they only see people as being a means to their end...it's a shame I've been treating Jesus like this.
I'm alive for a reason, part of that is to actually enjoy life...along the way it is possible to learn to share my heart and mind with those around me...I just desperately need to find Christians I can spend time with that will drop the charades and just be themselves...I can't take being around religious bigots much more...it's been dangerous being around those who have lived outside the church...it's helping me see my own hypocrisies much more clearly.
I just wish this thorn of pride could be ripped out...and I could start loving freely instead based on a value system.
So many thoughts...would you believe hope is mixed in?
Even in my bitter jaded self...hope is wrapped in and around my lungs and heart as I look to the heavens and feel the music pouring into my soul and out my lips.
Hope lives and will thrive, it will let me laugh and smile and embrace those I love...
This isn't the end of anything, just the beginning of eternity.
It feels like every time I have 'felt' God tell me to go somewhere...things have blown up in my face in one way or another.
I'm still rather baffled about being in Chicago.
This has been...actually relaxing...I've enjoyed meeting new people (despite cultural, religious and philosophical differences being so extreme at times) and it wasn't uncomfortable.
The thing that makes me upset is that these beautiful people would not be accepted by most Christians and churches I know. Because of the lifestyles, beliefs and language they use...this would make the majority of the people I know that are 'good' Christians uncomfortable enough to ignore them.
For those keeping score at home, yes this is irony because I am making both assumption and judgment based upon previous experience...but honestly I can hear the conversations in my head.
It would take place at a circle table at church, people asking for prayer for such 'poor, ungodly people' for their unspeakable sins they commit. Why is prayer seemingly always turned into this chance for gossip?
Value judgments aside, where did this asinine assumption of superiority come from?
Growing up, why were we always told to not make friends with non Christians? That if we're around 'bad' people they would rub off on us?
Where is Jesus to be found in that load of crap?
There is nothing to be found in gathering together with the same tired cliches and useless expressions of holiness. I keep going on about how I want to break down barriers but the biggest hurdle is my own judgmental heart full of sin and pain.
Every time I think I know where my Nineveh is...things change and keep changing...action and reaction...things are it's own every growing mess of confusion. I think maybe it's because of my skewed perception that I think I am lost.
I'm starting to believe I am here...right here, in this chair, in this apartment in a suburb of Chicago for a real reason. What that reason is...I know not and any absolute certainty at this point is sheer silliness.
It's like the people so enamored with being in love that they only see what they want to see...they only see people as being a means to their end...it's a shame I've been treating Jesus like this.
I'm alive for a reason, part of that is to actually enjoy life...along the way it is possible to learn to share my heart and mind with those around me...I just desperately need to find Christians I can spend time with that will drop the charades and just be themselves...I can't take being around religious bigots much more...it's been dangerous being around those who have lived outside the church...it's helping me see my own hypocrisies much more clearly.
I just wish this thorn of pride could be ripped out...and I could start loving freely instead based on a value system.
So many thoughts...would you believe hope is mixed in?
Even in my bitter jaded self...hope is wrapped in and around my lungs and heart as I look to the heavens and feel the music pouring into my soul and out my lips.
Hope lives and will thrive, it will let me laugh and smile and embrace those I love...
This isn't the end of anything, just the beginning of eternity.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Preface
My center of balance is off and it feels like falling, it feels like failing and while you can watch for free, the only price is my raising pain.
I never intended to be on display but while we're on the subject I might as well continue this freak show the best way I know how, self deprecation and prayers that just maybe things will end soon enough.
I live in my own world.
The realm I constructed from me being and acting as such a parasite upon imagination.
Nothing feels real, just as you never did.
I wouldn't know truth any better than the lies I hold so dear.
Everything passes in various shades of gray, as I hope for something more.
Is everything damned into the place of fear?
I want to know truth.
I want to know what I can trust.
How long until Love is all that remains?
I'm tired of life, I would quit if I could.
Just let go and be free of being so tired and fake.
Why is it I make such stupid choices in life?
Why can't I just bite my tongue and let things die?
I do not want to resign myself, regulate myself in this box.
All I want is all I want and all I want is to breath.
I just want to live without fear.
Is it too much to ask for life and to laugh?
Is it too inconceivable that I tire of games and perpetual pain?
I want to run,
just run into the arms
of the love
of the Divine Lover
and the only One who knows
and will know this broken soul.
Trembling hands
and a broken soul
and a resigned sigh
of not knowing
this way
and path.
Really, this is me.
Are you so surprised?
I am.
Enough to break this mirror and walk away.
I never intended to be on display but while we're on the subject I might as well continue this freak show the best way I know how, self deprecation and prayers that just maybe things will end soon enough.
I live in my own world.
The realm I constructed from me being and acting as such a parasite upon imagination.
Nothing feels real, just as you never did.
I wouldn't know truth any better than the lies I hold so dear.
Everything passes in various shades of gray, as I hope for something more.
Is everything damned into the place of fear?
I want to know truth.
I want to know what I can trust.
How long until Love is all that remains?
I'm tired of life, I would quit if I could.
Just let go and be free of being so tired and fake.
Why is it I make such stupid choices in life?
Why can't I just bite my tongue and let things die?
I do not want to resign myself, regulate myself in this box.
All I want is all I want and all I want is to breath.
I just want to live without fear.
Is it too much to ask for life and to laugh?
Is it too inconceivable that I tire of games and perpetual pain?
I want to run,
just run into the arms
of the love
of the Divine Lover
and the only One who knows
and will know this broken soul.
Trembling hands
and a broken soul
and a resigned sigh
of not knowing
this way
and path.
Really, this is me.
Are you so surprised?
I am.
Enough to break this mirror and walk away.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Some Thoughts on Forgiveness:
"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."
-Romans 12:2
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."
-Galatians 5:22-23
"He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if
he would ever reach heaven; for everyone has need to be forgiven."
-George Herbert
I just read an interesting little tidbit on forgiveness by one of the writers at xxxchurch.com.
It is so...strange to think that forgiveness is more important for the offend rather than the offender. I am carrying a lot of pain in my soul, a lot of pain, a lot of bitterness that slowly eats at my soul...it consists of everything from the failings of family to the bitterness that comes from having Christians and churches fail me.
How much of it is deliberate?
Honestly, how many people intend to strike chords within my heart to where I loose my perspective on life and forget not just who I am but why I was born in the first place?
Over the past few days I have had a LOT of conversation about Christianity, church, the fake Jesus (who is Caucasian, blue eyes and blond hair) history, sexuality, children, vampires, paganism, 'alternate' lifestyles, cats, family, zombies and really only God knows what else.
In hindsight the two things that matter the most to me in this world were overlooked, that being the real Jesus and grace.
I honestly have never one who takes many opportunities to "put in a good word for God" but I really do not think misplaced evangelism would be the right thing to do when it comes to the ones wearied by experience. Talking to people who have been seriously burned by the church, Christians and the whole religious establishment...is so disheartening and like having a mirror held up in front of me.
I've given several blanket apologies for the utter lunacy that the Christian church has been for the past couple of thousand of years. I'm a little old fashion in that I believe in a literal Satan because that is the only one I can think of that could twist something as beautiful as God coming in human form to show love to His people and that sacrifice and grace...and make it about religion and politics.
How many millions of people have been murdered in the name of Jesus, of whom Paul preached? How many tens of millions have been mindlessly abused, persecuted and lost their place in the world because of self righteous idiots who took a small nugget of truth and took it to the logical extreme?
I know so little about life, there are few things I have any confidence in but Jesus is the only solid bedrock I have in life. It's more than just words on a page, incredible stories or about finding inner peace; it is this absurdly impossible, this strange experience of falling in Love and feeling my heart of stone being turned back into flesh.
I have seen a lot of cynicism and jaded hearts because of people...the whole problem Pascal mentioned of people having that "God shaped hole in their heart" gets cut even bigger because people love themselves more than they do God, much less other people.
The curious thing I have seen first hand is that the bigger the hurt, the bigger the pain...the more horrible things become...the greater grace may be found. I hate people who say that God can take the worst of pains and make it beautiful...because it is true and because of how insecure I am. I am too insecure to trust that the One whom I love can take my pain, my bitterness and turn it into something wonderful...there is a strange paradox of how I preach 'faith, hope and love' and the second I get hurt is the second I start giving up on God, people...and myself.
Choosing to forgive someone for the pain, the evil they have done to you isn't the same as approving of their actions. Choosing to stick your neck out and say "I forgive you because Jesus loves me, loves you and has forgiven me so I am forgiving you." Isn't the same as of approving of the offender's actions.
But it is choosing to let the pain change you, push you beyond the complacency that comes with bitterness and pain.
It is choosing to turn stagnate water into wine and letting joy back inside the empty house.
I want to put the past into the past and leave it there, I feel the weariness weighing on me for past debts and hurts that I am so sick of carrying. The burden of the past is too much to bear and I have carried it because I forget who I am and why it is I am alive.
I want to move on in life, move past the aches of the past and let the tears be dried so I can see the beauty in life again. I'm so sick of loosing myself to the base emotions and forgetting what it means to be alive.
Grace, pure and beautiful grace. Grace enough to wipe away the stains and enough to ease the pain. Grace enough to feel, grace enough to love and grace enough to begin to believe again.
Having a check list for life is missing the point, showing up and willing to give people hugs and tell them that they loved...now that is much closer to living life. Berating people for their shortcomings and making them feel judged by God is helping no one...it is just holding up a mirror to show the emptiness in that person whose judges.
How bitter, how egotistical and how narcissistic does a person have to be to take on the mantle of judge, of whom Jesus is the only One rightful, Holy and just in doing?
Grace, forgiveness, Love...such powerful words meant for being shared between Jesus and all of us. Real relationships, real love comes when we lay down our arms and choose to be a family together. People are broken and in need of love...we can't fix anyone but we can show them a flicker of the Divine Love when we choose to let go of the problems we can't fix and instead choose to live life.
"And we love to wear a badge, a uniform
And we love to fly a flag.
But I won't let others live in Hell
As we divide against each other
And we fight amongst ourselves.
Too set in our ways to try to rearrange
Too right to be wrong, in this rebel song.
Let the bells ring out
Let the bells wring out
Is there nothing left?
Is there, is there nothing left,
Is honesty what you want?
A generation without name
Ripped and torn.
Nothing to lose, nothing to gain
Nothing at all.
And if you can't help yourself
Well, take a look around you
When others need your time
You say it's time to go.
It's your time.
Angry words won't stop the fight
Two wrongs won't make it right.
A new heart is what I need
Oh God, make it bleed.
Is there nothing left?"
-U2, "Like a Song..."
-Romans 12:2
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."
-Galatians 5:22-23
"He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if
he would ever reach heaven; for everyone has need to be forgiven."
-George Herbert
I just read an interesting little tidbit on forgiveness by one of the writers at xxxchurch.com.
It is so...strange to think that forgiveness is more important for the offend rather than the offender. I am carrying a lot of pain in my soul, a lot of pain, a lot of bitterness that slowly eats at my soul...it consists of everything from the failings of family to the bitterness that comes from having Christians and churches fail me.
How much of it is deliberate?
Honestly, how many people intend to strike chords within my heart to where I loose my perspective on life and forget not just who I am but why I was born in the first place?
Over the past few days I have had a LOT of conversation about Christianity, church, the fake Jesus (who is Caucasian, blue eyes and blond hair) history, sexuality, children, vampires, paganism, 'alternate' lifestyles, cats, family, zombies and really only God knows what else.
In hindsight the two things that matter the most to me in this world were overlooked, that being the real Jesus and grace.
I honestly have never one who takes many opportunities to "put in a good word for God" but I really do not think misplaced evangelism would be the right thing to do when it comes to the ones wearied by experience. Talking to people who have been seriously burned by the church, Christians and the whole religious establishment...is so disheartening and like having a mirror held up in front of me.
I've given several blanket apologies for the utter lunacy that the Christian church has been for the past couple of thousand of years. I'm a little old fashion in that I believe in a literal Satan because that is the only one I can think of that could twist something as beautiful as God coming in human form to show love to His people and that sacrifice and grace...and make it about religion and politics.
How many millions of people have been murdered in the name of Jesus, of whom Paul preached? How many tens of millions have been mindlessly abused, persecuted and lost their place in the world because of self righteous idiots who took a small nugget of truth and took it to the logical extreme?
I know so little about life, there are few things I have any confidence in but Jesus is the only solid bedrock I have in life. It's more than just words on a page, incredible stories or about finding inner peace; it is this absurdly impossible, this strange experience of falling in Love and feeling my heart of stone being turned back into flesh.
I have seen a lot of cynicism and jaded hearts because of people...the whole problem Pascal mentioned of people having that "God shaped hole in their heart" gets cut even bigger because people love themselves more than they do God, much less other people.
The curious thing I have seen first hand is that the bigger the hurt, the bigger the pain...the more horrible things become...the greater grace may be found. I hate people who say that God can take the worst of pains and make it beautiful...because it is true and because of how insecure I am. I am too insecure to trust that the One whom I love can take my pain, my bitterness and turn it into something wonderful...there is a strange paradox of how I preach 'faith, hope and love' and the second I get hurt is the second I start giving up on God, people...and myself.
Choosing to forgive someone for the pain, the evil they have done to you isn't the same as approving of their actions. Choosing to stick your neck out and say "I forgive you because Jesus loves me, loves you and has forgiven me so I am forgiving you." Isn't the same as of approving of the offender's actions.
But it is choosing to let the pain change you, push you beyond the complacency that comes with bitterness and pain.
It is choosing to turn stagnate water into wine and letting joy back inside the empty house.
I want to put the past into the past and leave it there, I feel the weariness weighing on me for past debts and hurts that I am so sick of carrying. The burden of the past is too much to bear and I have carried it because I forget who I am and why it is I am alive.
I want to move on in life, move past the aches of the past and let the tears be dried so I can see the beauty in life again. I'm so sick of loosing myself to the base emotions and forgetting what it means to be alive.
Grace, pure and beautiful grace. Grace enough to wipe away the stains and enough to ease the pain. Grace enough to feel, grace enough to love and grace enough to begin to believe again.
Having a check list for life is missing the point, showing up and willing to give people hugs and tell them that they loved...now that is much closer to living life. Berating people for their shortcomings and making them feel judged by God is helping no one...it is just holding up a mirror to show the emptiness in that person whose judges.
How bitter, how egotistical and how narcissistic does a person have to be to take on the mantle of judge, of whom Jesus is the only One rightful, Holy and just in doing?
Grace, forgiveness, Love...such powerful words meant for being shared between Jesus and all of us. Real relationships, real love comes when we lay down our arms and choose to be a family together. People are broken and in need of love...we can't fix anyone but we can show them a flicker of the Divine Love when we choose to let go of the problems we can't fix and instead choose to live life.
"And we love to wear a badge, a uniform
And we love to fly a flag.
But I won't let others live in Hell
As we divide against each other
And we fight amongst ourselves.
Too set in our ways to try to rearrange
Too right to be wrong, in this rebel song.
Let the bells ring out
Let the bells wring out
Is there nothing left?
Is there, is there nothing left,
Is honesty what you want?
A generation without name
Ripped and torn.
Nothing to lose, nothing to gain
Nothing at all.
And if you can't help yourself
Well, take a look around you
When others need your time
You say it's time to go.
It's your time.
Angry words won't stop the fight
Two wrongs won't make it right.
A new heart is what I need
Oh God, make it bleed.
Is there nothing left?"
-U2, "Like a Song..."
Quote of the Day:
“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'”
-Charles M. Schulz
-Charles M. Schulz
Pain in My Head, Pain in the Soul
I feel like every effort I make with..trying to understand or make things better with...family things...I make worse.
I can't win...so I will not continue to play that kind of game.
I just...all I know to do is pray and hope, hope and pray...I am sick of pain and hurting...I just want to do the right thing and honestly...half the time I do not know...and most of the time I know nothing at all.
Can there ever be peace in the human heart?
Or will everything I do simply cause more pain?
More ache? More destruction?
I can't win...so I will not continue to play that kind of game.
I just...all I know to do is pray and hope, hope and pray...I am sick of pain and hurting...I just want to do the right thing and honestly...half the time I do not know...and most of the time I know nothing at all.
Can there ever be peace in the human heart?
Or will everything I do simply cause more pain?
More ache? More destruction?
Monday, December 14, 2009
Quote of the Day:
“Truth is so obscure in these times, and falsehood so established, that, unless we love the truth, we cannot know it.”
-Blaise Pascal
-Blaise Pascal
"It's good to be alive..."
In so many ways it's so nice to just...feel free and that the constant worry and fear is dissipating.
Last night was troublesome because my brother in law may have had a heart attack...and me being several states away and not really being able to help comfort my near hysterical sister did not...help things.
I'm so disappointed with the whole concept of...family.
Being here is redefining it in ways I'm not sure I realized.
Why is the Christian majority so ignorant and think morality exists only within our fractured and screwed up bubble?
I'm staying with people who do not share my faith...my love of Jesus and I know so many people who would be disturbed by that...who would oppose me and say it's wrong. That is such crap...I have been shown more kindness and love by those who oppose Christ than the charlatans posing as wolves in sheep clothing.
Do you have any idea how outright disturbing that is to me?
Where is this love of Christ?
It's not my faith in Jesus that is wavering...it's just my ability to even trust that other followers are sincere...it's so easy to live in a bubble and judge the world...but this isn't my goal.
I want to love Christ and have that love overflow so perpetually that is overwhelms...that is catches my breath in every way it does...and that maybe it will for others.
It has something...I find amazing and touching and moving in ways I haven't seen and felt in a while...
"These men who have turned the world upside down have now come here...they are all defying Caesar's decrees, saying that there is another king, one called Jesus."
-Acts 17:6-7
I miss that...fire to want to turn the world upside down with Love...the biggest accusations against the early church and the ones I want to be lambasted for. I want to be called a bastard, an atheist for defying the religious and daring to love EVERYONE, those who judge and hate me...as well as the "Least of these" those who would NEVER dare to believe that Jesus loves them for them...
I may be dangerous, I may be on the line of heresy...but unless Jesus loves everyone than I am starting to feel He may love no one. It's not my place to judge or say who is worthy, who is going to Hell and who is deserving...for none of us would have dared to chosen or dared to believe we could be loved...by the Lover.
I refuse to let bigotry or religious/pious double speak be my focus...I want it to be pure love, love that cuts deep and goes beyond words...and is merely my faith being poetry in motion.
I'm going to be visiting with some friends of theirs who live what I can most politely say as being "alternative" lifestyles...and you know what? Jesus would be there, Jesus will be there.
"We have to prove that our love is real, over and over again.
But let them think what they want cause I know It'll never end.
Cause I know when it began.
And my heart still pumps twice as fast whenever You walk by.
Cause I still love you.
So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words."
-Blindside, "Silence"
Last night was troublesome because my brother in law may have had a heart attack...and me being several states away and not really being able to help comfort my near hysterical sister did not...help things.
I'm so disappointed with the whole concept of...family.
Being here is redefining it in ways I'm not sure I realized.
Why is the Christian majority so ignorant and think morality exists only within our fractured and screwed up bubble?
I'm staying with people who do not share my faith...my love of Jesus and I know so many people who would be disturbed by that...who would oppose me and say it's wrong. That is such crap...I have been shown more kindness and love by those who oppose Christ than the charlatans posing as wolves in sheep clothing.
Do you have any idea how outright disturbing that is to me?
Where is this love of Christ?
It's not my faith in Jesus that is wavering...it's just my ability to even trust that other followers are sincere...it's so easy to live in a bubble and judge the world...but this isn't my goal.
I want to love Christ and have that love overflow so perpetually that is overwhelms...that is catches my breath in every way it does...and that maybe it will for others.
It has something...I find amazing and touching and moving in ways I haven't seen and felt in a while...
"These men who have turned the world upside down have now come here...they are all defying Caesar's decrees, saying that there is another king, one called Jesus."
-Acts 17:6-7
I miss that...fire to want to turn the world upside down with Love...the biggest accusations against the early church and the ones I want to be lambasted for. I want to be called a bastard, an atheist for defying the religious and daring to love EVERYONE, those who judge and hate me...as well as the "Least of these" those who would NEVER dare to believe that Jesus loves them for them...
I may be dangerous, I may be on the line of heresy...but unless Jesus loves everyone than I am starting to feel He may love no one. It's not my place to judge or say who is worthy, who is going to Hell and who is deserving...for none of us would have dared to chosen or dared to believe we could be loved...by the Lover.
I refuse to let bigotry or religious/pious double speak be my focus...I want it to be pure love, love that cuts deep and goes beyond words...and is merely my faith being poetry in motion.
I'm going to be visiting with some friends of theirs who live what I can most politely say as being "alternative" lifestyles...and you know what? Jesus would be there, Jesus will be there.
"We have to prove that our love is real, over and over again.
But let them think what they want cause I know It'll never end.
Cause I know when it began.
And my heart still pumps twice as fast whenever You walk by.
Cause I still love you.
So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words."
-Blindside, "Silence"
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Awake...?
Mostly replied to emails I got...if I missed you email me again please.
So...so...tired and sore.
Have been napping since I got in.
I do not recall much of last night.
There was some Taco Bell and tea.
They took me to a LARP that was a vampire theme.
It was actually enjoyable and I saw some incredibly nice people who were awesome actors. Don't know if I would ever do something like this because of my lack of acting skills...much more confident in the table top and online RPG RP'ing.
Coming back it was raining on the snow so I slipped and landed perfectly on my back. Still hurting bad.
Need sleep...but more than that rest.
I wish I had a church I could go to...that felt like home.
Some place I'm longing for but have never really...ever seen.
I escaped and came here to...leave it behind...all the thoughts and fears and doubts...but somehow they followed me up I-65. Somehow I am still imperfect even though I keep breaking my back on my self perfected ways...
My heart and mind are still...
Home...*sigh*
"And I know it aches, how your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one.
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home,
that's where the hurt is.
And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind"
So...so...tired and sore.
Have been napping since I got in.
I do not recall much of last night.
There was some Taco Bell and tea.
They took me to a LARP that was a vampire theme.
It was actually enjoyable and I saw some incredibly nice people who were awesome actors. Don't know if I would ever do something like this because of my lack of acting skills...much more confident in the table top and online RPG RP'ing.
Coming back it was raining on the snow so I slipped and landed perfectly on my back. Still hurting bad.
Need sleep...but more than that rest.
I wish I had a church I could go to...that felt like home.
Some place I'm longing for but have never really...ever seen.
I escaped and came here to...leave it behind...all the thoughts and fears and doubts...but somehow they followed me up I-65. Somehow I am still imperfect even though I keep breaking my back on my self perfected ways...
My heart and mind are still...
Home...*sigh*
"And I know it aches, how your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one.
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home,
that's where the hurt is.
And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind"
Saturday, December 12, 2009
So Sleepy
I made it to Chicago.
We all took turns napping in the car and driving.
So sleepy.
Took the rental car back.
Came back to their apartment.
Brain is frazzled.
I think I'm baby sitting for half an hour but the cats are doing a better job watching than I.
I feel less stress and it is nice.
There is snow!
I have emails I must reply to soon.
I have such wonderful friends that are too nice.
I have the feeling it'll be a challenging week...in ways I don't quite understand.
Profound thoughts must wait.
Jesus...help me sort it out over some sleep...I need a bit of grace to understand...
We all took turns napping in the car and driving.
So sleepy.
Took the rental car back.
Came back to their apartment.
Brain is frazzled.
I think I'm baby sitting for half an hour but the cats are doing a better job watching than I.
I feel less stress and it is nice.
There is snow!
I have emails I must reply to soon.
I have such wonderful friends that are too nice.
I have the feeling it'll be a challenging week...in ways I don't quite understand.
Profound thoughts must wait.
Jesus...help me sort it out over some sleep...I need a bit of grace to understand...
Friday, December 11, 2009
Quote of the Day:
"The road goes ever on and on Down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, And I must follow, if I can, Pursuing it with weary feet, Until it joins some larger way, Where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say."
-Frodo Baggins
-Frodo Baggins
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Quote of the Day:
"Grace is the light or electricity or juice or breeze that takes you from that isolated place and puts you with others who are as startled and embarrased and eventually grateful as you are to be there."
-Anne Lamott
-Anne Lamott
Breaking Point
I cannot handle the insanity in this house any longer.
I have tolerated and lived with it for too long.
I do not know what normal is...I just know normal doesn't involve living around guns and being afraid of someone or something dying because people can't deal with and get their personal crap together.
I want to wash my hands of this mess and remove myself a hundred thousand miles away.
It rips my heart apart because every time, every damn time I think I am getting to where it feels things are better...that maybe we can be a family...this crap has to happen and I have to be terrified.
I don't know how...some...can live like this, I cannot.
I refuse to.
If I do not remove myself I will die one way or the other.
I can't function under this extreme stress.
I just am so tired of crying.
I'm so tired of being so mad.
I'm sick of this, I'm sick to death of feeling more alone by the second.
Happiness is a fleeting lie that will never remain.
Human touch is a bigger lie, making promises of comfort that are more temporal and dissipate in seconds.
I can't believe in the lies of family, of friends and love...
It feels like the biggest lie is from Jesus about how all this...is supposed to be something bigger.
My faith is so weak and dying.
It flows, it tosses and turns with my emotions revealing how shallow and fragile I am.
I'm supposed to pretend I am made of stone, that nothing can shake me...but I cannot hold things up by myself...how to hold things up and keep doing this...keep maintaining anything worthwhile.
I'm...falling out.
I have tolerated and lived with it for too long.
I do not know what normal is...I just know normal doesn't involve living around guns and being afraid of someone or something dying because people can't deal with and get their personal crap together.
I want to wash my hands of this mess and remove myself a hundred thousand miles away.
It rips my heart apart because every time, every damn time I think I am getting to where it feels things are better...that maybe we can be a family...this crap has to happen and I have to be terrified.
I don't know how...some...can live like this, I cannot.
I refuse to.
If I do not remove myself I will die one way or the other.
I can't function under this extreme stress.
I just am so tired of crying.
I'm so tired of being so mad.
I'm sick of this, I'm sick to death of feeling more alone by the second.
Happiness is a fleeting lie that will never remain.
Human touch is a bigger lie, making promises of comfort that are more temporal and dissipate in seconds.
I can't believe in the lies of family, of friends and love...
It feels like the biggest lie is from Jesus about how all this...is supposed to be something bigger.
My faith is so weak and dying.
It flows, it tosses and turns with my emotions revealing how shallow and fragile I am.
I'm supposed to pretend I am made of stone, that nothing can shake me...but I cannot hold things up by myself...how to hold things up and keep doing this...keep maintaining anything worthwhile.
I'm...falling out.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Quote of the Day:
"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction."
- Blaise Pascal
- Blaise Pascal
Small Geeky Mantra
Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet the Force.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet the Force.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Quote of the Day:
“The self-assured believer is a greater sinner in the eyes of God than the troubled disbeliever”
-Soren Kierkegaard
-Soren Kierkegaard
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Quote of the Day:
"Believing in God is as much like falling in love as it is making a decision. Love is both something that happens to you and something you decide upon."
— Donald Miller
— Donald Miller
Friday, December 4, 2009
"Something keeps me awake, something outside is stirring
Through the dark and over the grass
The rabbits and snakes are concurring
They sing in the soil and bones rattle loud
They cry out as this they do see
Someone in those walls is suffering proud
For you are worth every ache within me
I don’t hear music, don’t hear anything
I see dirt, I see cement
What a troubled world it is when you’re outside arms length
It pulls out it’s teeth in dry irreverence
Come and find me on this floor
I am only a half, truth be told
Take away all the distance and say:
"my beloved, I’m here, and now you are whole"
If I turn and see your eyes in the dark I will know the blue in an instant
Never have they gone so far
Never has your face been distant
My life I will give you like a verse and a ring
I will be your only one
And what you ask of me will be yours until all is said and done
Your heart is a song that I hear Jesus sing
It comes over oceans to me
And the notes spell out messages in vibrant streams
And what’s written you show only me"
Through the dark and over the grass
The rabbits and snakes are concurring
They sing in the soil and bones rattle loud
They cry out as this they do see
Someone in those walls is suffering proud
For you are worth every ache within me
I don’t hear music, don’t hear anything
I see dirt, I see cement
What a troubled world it is when you’re outside arms length
It pulls out it’s teeth in dry irreverence
Come and find me on this floor
I am only a half, truth be told
Take away all the distance and say:
"my beloved, I’m here, and now you are whole"
If I turn and see your eyes in the dark I will know the blue in an instant
Never have they gone so far
Never has your face been distant
My life I will give you like a verse and a ring
I will be your only one
And what you ask of me will be yours until all is said and done
Your heart is a song that I hear Jesus sing
It comes over oceans to me
And the notes spell out messages in vibrant streams
And what’s written you show only me"
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Quote of the Day:
“When we see the face of God we shall know that we have always known it. He has been a party to, has made, sustained and moved moment by moment within, all our earthly experiences of innocent love.”
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
Funny Funny
After a long day with one or two very nice pick me ups...this video made me laugh...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va8Sh4Agr58&feature=rec-HM-r2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va8Sh4Agr58&feature=rec-HM-r2
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Bleeding out the Pain
So much and so little
all in waves
and decrepit fallacies.
I purchased false notion
at the price of trust,
I feel my naivety
is returning
and is starting to bite at me.
Why do I entrust so much
to frail human hearts?
What masochistic part of me
refuses to allow me to cut off,
remove myself from this plague?
It's a struggle to maintain balance
and a fight to understand,
to process the why
and what is to come.
Why must hearts bleed
and everything
come by pain?
So tired,
so weak,
with nothing left
I simply coast on these waves
praying I find solace in solitude
and I can cut off every part of me
that ever was weak enough
to desire the need for others.
I would almost rather to in my ache
than to feel the razor blade of love
slicing deeper into my soul,
spilling my blood
and leaving nothing of me
as all drink their fill.
But surely I am being melodramatic,
it could not be so bad
to live
and be alive?
There is much to be grateful for
but oh so much I tire of.
I'm so sick of being a slave to others
and trusting their words
and their lies about caring.
I would rather this ocean
between my Love and me
be crossed
so I can find peace
and safety
from this temporal insanity.
I would rather forsake everything here
and never look back
then ever breath this air again
and feel the corrosion of my lungs.
How long much I ache,
much I cry,
much I long for
before I see You?
Nothing here is mine,
everything is dying
and I want nothing more.
The only prayer I have
is for freedom,
to feel the shackles of this sin
and this broken soul
broken so I can fly
and fly free to my Love.
No more pain
and no more shame,
just the unity
of the Loved with the Lover.
all in waves
and decrepit fallacies.
I purchased false notion
at the price of trust,
I feel my naivety
is returning
and is starting to bite at me.
Why do I entrust so much
to frail human hearts?
What masochistic part of me
refuses to allow me to cut off,
remove myself from this plague?
It's a struggle to maintain balance
and a fight to understand,
to process the why
and what is to come.
Why must hearts bleed
and everything
come by pain?
So tired,
so weak,
with nothing left
I simply coast on these waves
praying I find solace in solitude
and I can cut off every part of me
that ever was weak enough
to desire the need for others.
I would almost rather to in my ache
than to feel the razor blade of love
slicing deeper into my soul,
spilling my blood
and leaving nothing of me
as all drink their fill.
But surely I am being melodramatic,
it could not be so bad
to live
and be alive?
There is much to be grateful for
but oh so much I tire of.
I'm so sick of being a slave to others
and trusting their words
and their lies about caring.
I would rather this ocean
between my Love and me
be crossed
so I can find peace
and safety
from this temporal insanity.
I would rather forsake everything here
and never look back
then ever breath this air again
and feel the corrosion of my lungs.
How long much I ache,
much I cry,
much I long for
before I see You?
Nothing here is mine,
everything is dying
and I want nothing more.
The only prayer I have
is for freedom,
to feel the shackles of this sin
and this broken soul
broken so I can fly
and fly free to my Love.
No more pain
and no more shame,
just the unity
of the Loved with the Lover.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
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