Blue Cold Reasoning Jazz

I have nothing to say but everything.
Nothing to do but think of you.
Annoying as it is
I can't do much else
Except laying in
this personalized coffin
painted black and red
showing off my various sins.

I'm not depressed, just as mush as I am tired.
I'm not sick, just as much as I am malfunctioning.
I am not really even me,
when you get down to the base facts,
that guy was never here when you got here.

The facts you think you are hearing in your mind
is just your television set that you can't quite turn off
because you don't need much reality when you have it
at the touch of a button.
Images, videos, and streaming screams,
the worst and worst we have to offer ourselves.
All at the touch and click of a button.

I am out of my element
and out of my time.
I have time but I'm not where I should be.
Running water is nice
but I would rather be running for life
out of this place
and into the future of hope.

I could say I'm sorry
but do we even know what that means now?

I keep loosing track of myself
and my mind.

Just me and Lucifer
and the rest of our kind.

A couple of drinks
to help us ease out minds.

Reflect and regret on all of our lives
and see where it all went wrong.
Trite as it is to regret when all is said and done
one can always hope someone is there
to hear you say "I'm sorry."
even when it seems to be the mantra
of the hour and of the dead.

It all began and will end in this club,
every idea revolving around hope.
Every tattered message
arriving just two days to late.
It's all in your eyes I know
the pain, the fear, the hate
and I don't know what to say.

I never knew except to smile
and that I want to try.
Not even realizing I was quoting myself
and all of my lies.
Not realizing to bother is to care
and the last thing my soul needed
but was to pretend something
that was never true.

It's kind of a sick feeling really.
Nothing I know or can do.
Nothing I want to look at.
It's all just a blue anyways.
Time falling back and forward
and forgetting its place.
Not knowing it should work for us
and not against us
pulling out reality apart
one shred at a time,
one tear at a time.

The reason I feel so sick
is because of knowing how this is all on me
that all of these crimes go back
and will fall on me to answer.
And I've got nothing to say,
no way to defend
no way to explain
or absolve myself of the sin.
Just the knowledge
of always how hollow my grin
and how tired my soul
of pretending
and no longer able to cope
with the merest lie
and the most basic of all these.

It really isn't you,
it is all me.

I can't even say goodbye
because words won't define
the lack of hope.
Words can't convey the fear
and the hurt.
The shock of my own ignorance
and my belligerence
and my stupidity.
My own personal Hell.
Skirting past purgatory
like it was just a bad dream.

If I'm lucky I'll awake
and no longer be in this wood structure,
no longer bound by failing flesh
and a diseased mind.
Not longer buying my way out
and no longer building myself in.
Just maybe a shred of hope
on top of it all.

Realizing it was all for nothing
but maybe there are some left standing,
a few worth knowing that won't
end things thus and this way.
Nothing lasts beyond our fetid hands,
nothing can be grasped for long
because time causes the deepest wounds.
The stronger the love the deeper the cut
the more that will never heal
and the last reminder
of how none of it was worth it after all.
All I want is to be forgotten,
to fade from sight.
Let the steady beat carry me out
of your mind
your imagination.
To wash things clear
and to be forgiven.
For all the things done,
all the pain caused
and for things to be forgotten.

That is my strongest hope.
To let the sands of time
just eat away,
corrode away my pain.
Eat away at the last memories
of how I ended it all
so pitifully.

Just letting things fall apart
as I ignored any sense of worth
and anything that could have made sense.
Just out of sync with reality
and words
and rhyming schemes
and anything worth worrying about.

There just are not words for moments like these.
There just isn't enough of anything
for now
for later
or for forever.

It's all a bit too much
right now.
It's too early anyhow.
Anyway it is formed
it is too early for such endless schemes.
Ridiculous circles not making sense.

I would but I won't
bother to say
goodbye and goodnight.
The lines of communication
are much too poor anyway.
There is too much of a din
too loud of chaos
that I don't even understand anymore.
It just took a few short years to get here
and a life time of sin so compact
and so complicated.
So much unsaid but there is no need
to regret over such little matters
when there is nothing but cold
logic driving the song.
Nothing but necessity
and a few broken words.
There is much more
but don't ask
because there is no need to share.
Just a lot of memories
that can never cease to be.
That are not kind enough to be quiet
and remove themselves from the back.
But that is life,
living it in it's own reasons
and own ways.
No matter how black and off white,
no matter how untidy
and painful.
There is no resolution
or end to this song
because it is free forming and falling.
Just as much as it failed.
Just like this experiment.

Fin.