Monday, May 23, 2011

"In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

Sunday, May 15, 2011

"Laugh until you cry, live until you die"

Organic Vehemence

So many thoughts.
So very many thoughts.
So few times I thought I understood love.
Just pale pinings out for a muse for my musings.

Out of place.
Out of time.
Out of sync with realities reality.

I see you across this vast ocean of stars,
diamonds twinkle in your eyes
and I just hold my breath for the untold,
cajoled and begging for an answer.

Perfection was never your case
and here I stand
divided by the ocean of time,
ebbs and eddies beckon out,
"Come forth, come forth and dance!
Dance this eternal waltz
and see where time may go!"

Seeing my every sin
like the posters on your wall
is making me hurt.
Turning my stomach
and bringing up the bile
just seeing your smeared make up
and the vile you spew.

Who said love can't hurt?
Who said to love is to lose is to lose?
If everything falls into place,
will you love me until the end
and until the end of this ocean?

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Quite clearly, if checking one's voice mail causes them to almost breakdown crying, there might be underlying issues.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I want to write about the futility of love and emotions.
How it is all utterly pointless.
We are all going to die.
Every stupid human being is going to die.
Being married, having a family, taking care of others and being in school will have next to no meaning.

Death is an impossible wiping clean of the slate.

If there is "luck" to be found in faith, things will not be the same.

But still, everything as it is will be gone.
Dead.
Erased.
Burned.
Made new.

I don't enjoy the pain of my body.
Nor the fear and guilt in my mind.

Something new.
Something old.
And this world is broken and used.

I want to believe, hope in love...but my faith is so weak.
My emotions so scattered on the winds.
The easiest choice in the world would be self destruction.
Not temperance or choosing to not numb the pain.

Maybe it's righteousness.
Or maybe pure stupidity.

I miss...

It doesn't matter who I miss.
It all ends the same.
But...the hope is that the end isn't an end.

New beginnings, God I so desperately cling to that hope.
Nothing else makes any sense.
Has, can or will make sense.

Redacted Processes

I've got nothing at this late hour.
Just empty bottles and exhaustion...

I have reasons to smile,
a couple to cry
and every reason to live
and just a few to die.

What more can I write?
What else should I say?
The words were never mine,
the path was sometimes a choice
but everything
is heading to a climax,
something unseen.

I won't be sitting with the haughty,
laughing at the end.
I might just be in the background,
pushing on
and hoping to bring some help,
a touch of healing to this diseased world.

Words.
Words.
Words.

Proper use and abuse.
Too much and too little,
with everything You have ever seen and lived.

Dreams and poetry,
hope with broken wings,
flying over jagged glass
that has overflowed into waves.

Breathing can be difficult
from such dizzily heights
and hope for nothing and everything.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Isaiah 13

"Scream in terror, for the day of the Lord has arrived—
the time for the Almighty to destroy.
Every arm is paralyzed with fear.
Every heart melts,
and people are terrified.
Pangs of anguish grip them,
like those of a woman in labor.
They look helplessly at one another,
their faces aflame with fear."
-Isaiah 13:6-8

Yeah.
It's passages like these that make me feel awkward about Christian Pacifism.
Not to say it makes me feel it's okay for Christians to act on anger and violence but this passage illustrates that as much as I like to think of God's love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness and grace...that there comes a limit to where God will no longer hold back.

I can't help but feel eternal judgements are not something that catches the person off guard...if there is not that willingness to reject Christ, the Gospel and God's love...then where is the justice?

Ultimately God is just and I am not.
He is Holy and I am not.
He is Truth and I am playing at being a scholar of something I scarcely can grasp.

War, disasters, pain, famine, disease, genocide, hatred, destruction all happen...will happen, have happened and will continue to happen...and I don't think it's too far off base to say that is not how God works...this Age...to show judgement, at least until The End.

This is a fallen world...my heart is overflowing with sin, lust, hate, guilt, remorse and God only knows what else.

God doesn't delight in this death and destruction.
Jesus weeps for His lost children.
But He will not be mocked and let evil go unpunished.

It's not about a list of right/wrong and getting enough salvation points...it's about us being hopelessly trapped in this circle of hate/abuse and it taking Jesus, fully God and fully man, giving up His life as a sacrifice for us.

Not just death...blood for more blood...but a final act to bring redemption and salvation to this broken world.

Broad strokes to help start the fixing, the healing...that in the next Age will be complete.
Words and exhausted thoughts.
Meh.
Meep.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Can I blame others for their happiness?
No.

Can I blame them for their miseries?
No.

All I can do is look, see, touch and experience what little my filters will allow me.

Too much thought for too little sleep and too much demented.

Hours of reading, thinking, processing and just wishing things could be easier for others...and wishing I could send emails with regret or confusion.

I want to be understood but sometimes not at all.
Jesus is the only One who knows all of me.
And I suppose that is the best.
Trust is a fickle thing.
The jagged pain of sharing and being honest jut out.

If only it was as simple as playing pretend.

Contextualized Fallacy

I suppose in a way it does but does not matter.
Too much time for thoughts...
Kind of annoying how pain/illness does that.
Prevents sleep of a tired mind, adding to the irrationality of it all.

It's so painful to talk...
Open.
Close.
This heart is broken.

I cannot be sure the fight is worth it.
The sacrifice and pain will justify the end.
It's the means that bothers me.

Simple and broken.
Maybe one day the pain can end.
Healing can begin.

Wishful thinking.
Prayers lost and never found.
Hope.

But I have looked into the darkness.
Seen the terrors that live there.
I cannot boast for I saw only pale reflection,
the fate of one without love.

Hope remains.
The slow heartbeat of confusion.
Trying to force life where there is none.

Simply said, I do not belong.
This should never have been
and yet it was.
It is.
It shall be.
Some feelings...some thoughts...

Seem so futile, so pointless...

Are they?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Sometimes...I think I excel at missing the point, screwing simple things up...and not realizing it until I have managed to make it decisively worse.

Or maybe not.

I'm not really sure.

So tired, so sleepy...and being medicated isn't helping.

I really hope I can get a living situation sans a roommate...or at least to where I have access to a room by myself 24 hours a day or least 6-8 hours a day.

I miss complete privacy...and it's impossible for me to start to fully recharge when I don't have silence, darkness and am able to actually rest.,,

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Can't write.
Writers block.
Need something to help unblock brain and fingers...

Isaiah 12

"In that day you will sing:
“I will praise you, O Lord!
You were angry with me, but not any more.
Now you comfort me.
See, God has come to save me.
I will trust in him and not be afraid.
The Lord God is my strength and my song;
he has given me victory.”"
-Isaiah 12:1-2



I don't think I can grasp how horrible, how terrible sin is.
The rage, the destruction and the darkness caused by it.
I see myself.
But rarely do I stop to see You.

Could you be my strength?
Could you be the song on my life?
If there is victory to be had, may it be Yours and Yours alone?

If I have to walk this path with no outside human help...please hold my hand. Stay near and keep close because...this pain...this doubt...all of it is so real and I do not know what to do...

Quote of the Day:

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. ... Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Isaiah 11

"Nothing will hurt or destroy in all my holy mountain,
for as the waters fill the sea,
so the earth will be filled with people who know the Lord.

In that day the heir to David’s throne
will be a banner of salvation to all the world.
The nations will rally to him,
and the land where he lives will be a glorious place."
-Isaiah 11:9-10

Can this be real?
Or is it just a dream?
A glimpse of eternity,
across this distant sea.

Father, please cover me.
Hold me close, like any father would.
Be my strength, for I have none.
My body, mind and soul fail me...
I am weak and needy.
Hold me as any father would
and heal me with Your Love.

Help me to see the Hell I create in my daily life.
Help me to care, help me develop compassion and love for all...not just the ones for whom it is convenient.


I have so many thoughts.
So many fears.
So many doubts.
Could You please...please...help me.
I do not want to wait here when there is so much across the Jordan river...

I'm alive for a purpose.
No?
Then I want to live.
I am in pain.
I fear I always will be...
But Your grace is sufficient.
Carry me for I am too weak to stand.


"This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done
Well, if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind
I don't care

But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
Well, It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye"

Monday, May 2, 2011

Reflect

Emotions.
Too strong.

Thoughts.
Too vague.

Reminders of life, lost and won.
Love, broken and scattered.

The sun rising and falling.
New to life, to this realm and living.

Maybe, just maybe.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Isaiah 10

"What sorrow awaits the unjust judges
and those who issue unfair laws.
They deprive the poor of justice
and deny the rights of the needy among my people.
They prey on widows
and take advantage of orphans."
-Isaiah 10:1-2


You can turn the unjust just.
You alone can turn this world upside down.
Father, turn me upside down.
Help me to see the unjust places in my life, grieve my soul and help me change.

Give me sight to see the things I can do in this world...and help me to not stop until I see You face to face.
Evidently I have an unintended habit of stepping on toes...I never realized just speaking my mind was so dangerous...

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Idiosyncratic Ramblings

Meh.

Eh?

Bah.

Emph.

I really cannot get my mind going to start writing something coherent...mental and emotional funk in line with my physical aching and hurting.

So much...internal conflict and convoluted thought...over thought.
And things.
And pain.

I wonder.
Yeah it makes me wonder.
All the aches, pains and mehness.

Sums...everything adding to something...unknown and confusing...

I'm not even making sense to myself.
I could use less pain, warmth, a hug, reassurance, love, a gentle breeze, seeing the stars and knowing I am loved.

Things.
Yeah things.

I wish I could be more apathetic, more calm, more cool and collected then I tend to ever be.

Too much passion, too many emotions...all of it misdirected into...this black hole of pointlessness.


Everything will be better in time.
Everything will be healed.
Everything will be restored.
Everything made new.

It's just the waiting that kills me.
"Hey you
What you running from?
All your hate
What you've become
Bet you didn't think
It would happen to you
All used up
Half way through

And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you
are real
I'll give anything"

Anything.
Anything.
Any.
Thing.
Murph.

That...would be a good attempt at summarizing.

Incidental Transcendentalism

Dawn, is so peculiar.
Because of being so sick, so often I rarely take the time to enjoy anything outside of my room...much less the sun rising and setting.

The light coming to life and dying away.
Colors being painted across the sky, spreading across like the laugh of a child and then fading away like the last sparks of life.

We have these huge post marks of life and death.
Everything else in between helps some give some meaning.
It's so hard to remember how and why.

Contrary to popular belief I am not miserable all the time.
I just tend to feel things far too intensely for my own good.
Put me alongside those who are happy and I feel their joy.
Likewise for the miserable.




A pity Jesus said nothing about going to parties, concerts, playing more video games, watching more comedies and laughing more.

Then again, life is to be lived.
Who was it that said life was wasted on the living?
I've done and seen some amazing things.

Feeling the wind in my hair, the taste of salt on the air, the sounds of laughter and the mists of rain as a gentle kiss.+

So many of the small things in our lives reflect who we are, who we really are deep within us and behind all the masks we try to hide behind.


So that makes me wonder what my love of the absurd, silly and none sense says about me...if much at all.

As the day begins, much like it will end...in bed and darkness...I can't help but wonder what will or can happen today. How much pain, how tired, how life will happen and everything in and around the between.

Somethings and some people I may miss...but most I won't.
Most of the things I cannot.
Why waste my time worrying and grieving over things that were make believe in the first place?

Maybe I can have some non-cynical conversations today as well.
And maybe pigs will start flying as well.
Never know, right?

Friday, April 29, 2011

Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
"There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb."




The one thing reality will not permit me is numbness.
No breaking from the pain.
Cycles...in and out, circular, moving, falling and being destroyed.

Why do I...and why should I care at all?

Moving beyond the open gate and into reality...seeing all there is to be seen and realize that none of it amounts to much...

Faith, hope and love...but where is the love?

Clever lines of jargon and disinformation...lies I fed to myself in order to invent you...make you up and become enamored with something that wasn't even real to begin with.

Curious...curious...

I wish sleep could take me and I would wake up to where everything was better...
One day...one day...one...day...