"Hulking, smashing, I come crashing,
nothing like when I was small.
I am unstoppable, I am the cannonball.
That feeble coward that you knew,
has undergone an overhaul.
I am unstoppable, I am the cannonball

And everyone will say it's just an accident,
like some mishap or a tragedy.
I think that failure has a purpose,
and I don't believe it's chance if I fall.
And I know that if I ever do fall, He will catch me.
And if He ever lets me fall down,
for the good of those who believe Him,
He will make me into a cannonball.
Unblemished, and faultless.
A burning luminescence.
Unequaled precision, beyond your scope of vision.
Cannonball."

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.”
-Anne Lamott

Attempts at perfection seems to so often turn into a pointless battle of egotism and self-righteousness that ends with me saying "screw it" and slamming my head on my desk.

I am going to stop this, if nothing more than to just save on having to buy so much Excedrin.

The "short cape" that I spent at least 30+ hours trying to recall the name of is a "mantle".

Bah.

Peace and Love, Hope and Dreams

How has this world been held together when there is so much mistrust, so much pain, so much hate and such endless self destruction?

Somehow, someway, some means that I truly do not understand...I am trusted.

The personal and broken lives of friends...and they trust me to hear, to listen, to see their wounds...a broken and tired child who doesn't know his left hand from his right...and yet, with just a prayer and hope...sometimes things can be okay.

Is this what you meant to be community?
Just this...simple hope that by being honest...by trying to do the right thing...somehow, someway...things can somehow work out?


I know it's stupid but sometimes I think I must have done something horrible, something terribly sinful to "deserve" all the pain and doubt I have. Not being able to sleep because of the levels of pain and then to hurt so much that I can't write, much less pray like I used to...but...isn't this love?

Love requires honesty.
Love requires disarming.
Love requires pain.

For love to grow, muscles have to be stretched, pulled, broken, stitched back together...and repeated, again and again...again and again.

God it hurts.
But if this is life, if this is what it means to live in live...and "fellowship" I suppose I can say it might just be worth losing my life over.

I still have so many doubts about being called and where I am being called or even if I can do anything right...but even with all my doubts...You believe in me.

Which is painful but I can't help but believe.
It goes beyond what I can choose to do and you love me.
Love me.
Love. Me.

After all the unintentional pain I have caused...been apart of...thank you for holding me, keeping me close and not letting me fade into the dark.

Ha.

I should not find that endlessly hilarious.

But I do.

I have to keep laughing.

Wow...just...wow.

The nerve and arrogance of some people.

Seriously.

Who died and made you God's Dean of Admissions?

Why must life continually be so...so...complicated?

Quote of the Day:

"Jesus said whatever you do to the least of these my brothers you’ve done it to me. And this is what I’ve come to think. That if I want to identify fully with Jesus Christ, who I claim to be my savior and Lord, the best way that I can do that is to identify with the poor. This I know will go against the teachings of all the popular evangelical preachers. But they’re just wrong. They’re not bad, they’re just wrong. Christianity is not about building an absolutely secure little niche in the world where you can live with your perfect little wife and your perfect little children in a beautiful little house where you have no gays or minority groups anywhere near you. Christianity is about learning to love like Jesus loved and Jesus loved the poor and Jesus loved the broken."
-Rich Mullins

I really wish people would not always tell me everything.
Confession booth Matthew doesn't like being a confession booth.
I try to not be a jerk and be judgmental...but rules are there for a reason.

Oie.

SO many things...worries...things to pray for...to hope for...

Maybe I'll be free soon.
Released from the pain and confusion.

Quote of the Day:

"We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy in the church is not that rich Christians do not care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor."
-Shane Claiborne

So tired.
Confused.
Achey.

Thoughts aren't so clear right now.
Too tired to deal with..."things".

Oief.
Bad food...mixing with spiritual angst...bad...bad...combination...

#_#

Why was I so stupid and gullible to trust her in the first place?
I don't need a reminder of a few days, a few weeks, a few months...what I was thinking and doing an exact year ago...

Chasing after fantasies and mist...running after a rainbow that was never there...not even finding gold...but just realizing how naive, how trusting and how STUPID I am.

That sort of brings all those thoughts nicely together.
I let myself get used by emotional and mental leeches.
When I should just carry around a box of matches and when one of them touches me I could set fire to them.

Possibly, the hint may be taken.
Although I doubt the intelligence runs that high.

You know...if I write a "what if" story about what never happened and well, let's face it, what will NEVER happen...it would at least get some of these thoughts out and I'll have written a piece in a genre I've never tried before.

"Annoying, stupid, whining, crying and etc. useless crap that should be burned instead of read."

Or you know...that is just the placeholder until I find a more acronym friendly title.

God, I need to write.
I need to get these thoughts out.
Writing feels like one the last avenues I have.
I can do that decently and sometimes do something good.
Maybe even something that is right.

"Three strands of wire,
Threefold the tie that binds.
She is the one thing on the earth for which he still pines.
To his heart she was life,
So he prays to his Maker with a sigh,
As his fire sputters out,
Because robots never cry."


" Gloria, in excelces deo.
Glory, gloria.

Too weak to wonder,
too tired to care,
Jesus Christ, are you really there?
I've fallen down,
Can't pull myself back up.
I'm going to drown, have mercy,
Have mercy.

I need you now,
Not words or a feeling.
But Jesus Christ,
I've hit the ceiling.

Your love,
Your mercy,
Your light unending.
Your hope,
Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending."

Alter of the Soul

Well...I think I manged to slam that door on my own face.
Do I at least get some sort of bonus points for trying to be a team player and sacrificing stupid thoughts that never should have been there in the first place?

All these circles.
Endless cycles.
Life is brief.
Painful and beautiful at times.

Sometimes I wonder if the answer it to become more stoic, more denial...or just give up and start wandering around.

I wonder how/if any good I am able to be with and to others...

The hour is late and too many thoughts...too many what if's...too may regrets about wasted time...and the need to go beyond mere feelings of sentiment...to casting everything in with Jesus and just letting go of everything.



If I put my health, my loneliness, my desire for a mate, my fears, my failings, all of my relationships...all of these broken and painful things...if I set them on this alter like you want me to...will you be here to step into the void I will have?

If I finally begin to trust, ask me to do all in Scripture...will that mean I might feel your peace...your strength, your grace and glory?

So often I am not sure I can see myself...but I know You are here...please, please, please do not leave my side.

Bargh.

How...can I be useful or helpful?

I just feel so useless...I know prayer is not useless...but I wish I could do more...more than give well wishes and prayers...but do the impossible and physically change things...for the better.

Quote of the Day:

"So it seems God is OKAY with killing, but gets ticked if openly gay people are allowed to participate. Hard to imagine a more bizarre deity."
-Greg Boyd

Broken Traffic Lights

Why do I care so much about little things that have no real value or meaning beside the petty and minute label I bestow upon them?

Why do I invest emotion and time into things that I know will wither, decay and be blown into the wind?

Why do I exhaust what little energy I have after being sick over something so temporal and fleeting?

Hope.
Faith.
Love.

Hope that despite the inward decay and pain, I will one day stand on distant shores.
Faith that the Love which has captivated me will follow through on every promise.
Love that is so weak and broken, but still I try to share.

The pain will never be avoidable as long as I am here.
I will stand.
It might seem absurd but even in my decay and pain, I refuse to quit.

Show me the frailty of my soul and the broken nature of my soul and I will smile.
The person who has lost everything is finally freed and capable of doing everything and anything.



I want to pretend I can be the apathetic bastard who shifts through life with no problem, using and discarding people left and right.

That isn't something I will choose.
The decay in my bones and taint in my blood will not make me betray that which I follow, the chivalry that demands I act.

Yes.
It's an inward struggle and battle.
But so is every important battle.


This heart is so weak, so small and dying.
But so capable of hope.

I will not quit.
But possibly I will fade.
Withdraw to heal.
Let the wounds be wrapped and soaked in hope.

So much time, all of it passing.
It will all be over soon.
Then I can go home.
No more pain, all the tears wiped away and love eternal.

Quote of the Day:

"Believe me, Doctor, the place is impregnable!"
" Never cared much for the word 'impregnable.' Sounds a bit too much like 'unsinkable.'"
"What's wrong with unsinkable?"
"'Nothing,' as the iceberg said to the Titanic!"
" What?"
"Glub glub glub...."
-Exchange between The Brigadier and The Doctor

I really need to read more.
Read the Bible and make notes.

I hate when I get out of that habit.
Psalms and Proverbs again...

Or.

Something...

Loser Penultimate Statement of my Life:

Sometimes I wish I could be The Doctor.
Just to be able to save the day.
And be her hero.

"No one knows your heart
And no one knows your fears
When no one solves the mysteries
Or even wipes away the tears

Can you hear the sound of laughter
From the other side of life?
There are days when I feel like a stranger sometimes
Tell me, are there any other fools like me?

This reliance on another world
Has a great effect on this world
This conscience of another world
Has a great effect on
Grace recollection

He doesn't love us 'cause of who we are
He only loves us 'cause of who he is

We all were children once
So will we return
So let those days return
Let us all return..."

Western Winds

Your cross and grace are more than I can bear...
This pain is too real and my soul cries for peace
in the middle of this struggle.

I know You,
I have known Your voice since I was a child,
a child so lost and confused
who didn't know which way to look.

You took my hand
and carried me,
brought me to this alien land
with such profane tongues.

When did I walk away?
When did I realize enough was never enough?

My soul is Yours to take
and my life is Yours to make,
in this storm
that is causing me to break.

"Don't go thinking I'm crazy
But I'm feeling your heartache
Your creation through your eyes
There is pain it's no mistake

Closer I get to you I see
Souls full of hurt, full of need
The closer I get I see less of me

And I feel like I could break
And, I feel like I could break
Lord, I know now it's getting late
Let my heart be broken by your heartache
And I feel like I could break
Now, it's more than I can take

'cause all of those times I ran away
From all of those things I used to say
And all of those pains I feel
Revealed to me"