Why was I stupid enough to actually think that mattered?

I feel like a quote out of context
Withholding the rest
So I can be free what you want to see
I got the gesture and sound
Got the timing down
It's uncanny, yeah, you think it was me
Do you think I should take a class
To lose my southern accent
Did I make me up, or make the face till it stuck
I do the best imitation of myself

Quote of the Day:

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.”
-Anne Lamott

Psalm 120

"How I suffer in far-off Meshech.
It pains me to live in distant Kedar.
I am tired of living
among people who hate peace.
I search for peace;
but when I speak of peace, they want war!"
-Psalm 120:5-7



I feel like I am in exile from myself.
I keep running, running to hold the place I am at...and then I realize I have no clue as to what I was doing or where I was going in the first place.

I can go on about how unfair this is...but you already know.
You never delight in our sufferings...Jesus is mentioned as being a man of many sorrows...and living amongst us...it just brings comfort that you are a God that knows and cares about where we are, what we are doing and what will happen.

This isn't just some abstract philosophical concept...you love me, you desire me and even when I run away and hide so I can cry...you follow me and have your arms wide open to embrace me and love me...how can my paltry thanks ever be enough?

I am a hypocrite and cause pain...but I want to change, I want to bring peace where I go, peace at any cost except for striking back...true lasting peace, not one instilled by fear or coercion...but the peace built out of your love for me and the love you have put inside this broken heart.

The love you put in this heart doesn't stay because of all the cracks and fractures...the love you pour into me seeps, leaks and at times gushes out from me...and I want it to be love, not bitterness, resentment or poison...there is too much evil already.

I want to be broken open like a vessel of perfume so that when I am finally destroyed it brings peace...not more grief or pain.
Please.
Please change me.
Guide me.
Love me.
I love you Daddy.

Salt in the wound.
Lemon juice on a cut.
Nails on a chalkboard.
Insult to injury.

Geez, would someone go ahead and just douse me in petrol and set me on fire already so I can be done with this?

I should be doing homework.
Or writing.
Maybe playing a video game.
Instead I am sitting here, in front of my computer drinking Gatorade and listening to "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd, all the while feeling so freaked out about tomorrow.

I wish there were some easy answers...why did all of this have to fall at once?
I guess it's better now than much later...but still.

Is it so wrong to want to be liked and wanted and not to repulse people with my faith?

Ah...just randomness I guess.

I can't share these deep thoughts with anyone...I just have to fold my arms over my chest so they won't try to escape and cause more harm.
I don't know if I can ever trust so deeply like that again...it just is so hard to gather up the strength and faith to fly when it feels like your wings got crumpled up and are just a broken mess barely hanging on.

I have to be strong.
Or least wear a mask.
Maybe if I can pretend well enough the problems may go away...or at least I would have better conversational topics with people besides freaking out and thinking I am dying.

I mean...if this surgery happens...I will not be able to function for a while.
Major invasive surgery...and I will be stuck here...no school...not really seeing anyone at all. Who in their right mind would want to drive up here from Mobile just to see me drugged up and in pain?

I don't feel depressed, suicidal or anxiety.
I just feel...so useless and powerless, which in and of itself is scary enough.
I do not think it matters much because these problems are out of my hands.

I know you keep trying to get my attention Daddy, try to beat sense into me...that I need to sit still, be quite, let you love on me and transform me...but I am so scared of the pain...of what it will take for me to become more like you...and what else I will have to loose and endure loosing.

I want to be able to praise always in the light and dark...sickness and pain...good health and love.
I want so badly to be faithful...to endure to follow you where you guide.
I just am so blind and uncertain...help...please?

Overcast

Words, words, words
that is all they ever are.
Words, words, words
that is all they can be.

All is dark and shade
until a brilliant star
pierces the veil
breaking just when is apt
and opportune.

Falling like rain
full of grace
bringing life
and hope to this desert plain.

Endlessly falling
with little shape
of rhyme or reason
but words they are
and words they shall remain.

Quote of the Day:

"Teach me, O God, not to torture myself, not to make a martyr out of myself through stifling reflection, but rather teach me to breathe deeply in faith."
-Soren Kierkegaard

"we are the few that won't say nothing right
we are the footsteps fading into the night
nobody cares and nobody stares with such conviction and i say:
i never wanted this, no one ever wanted this
but they gave it to you so you might as well be proud of it
and i don't know where we went wrong
all i know now is i got to do something right"

Quote of the Day:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
-C.S. Lewis

Temet nosce.

Will-o'-the-Wisp in the Soul

God...I just feel so alone and helpless.
I know you are there...that there is a reason and time...but that doesn't drive the fear away.

It is scary that you care enough to let me suffer so that I can grow, learn and mature...but does it have to hurt this bad?

Layers and layers and layers
of my soul gets peeled back,
showing the fragile soul below
as wisps of hope push out the bitter.

All my fancy word amount to nothing but a hollow sounding gong...because I am without love...not giving or being willing to accept it.

Father, Father, Father...I love you, even though I don't know how.
I need...you closer than ever before...just close the gap between us tonight.

I have...nothing.
Nothing more.

Just hope I am not suffering alone...that this pain will one day be gone...
*sigh*
Oh well...easy come, easy go...

Letting go...never seemed more appealing than now.
Especially considering how desperately I need to get better...God alone knows how long I will be stuck here if I have to undergo any sort of surgery...

And rumors...It's UM so I'm not surprised...it still just absolutely sucks private business cannot be kept between two people...at the same time, because of the harm I caused...I deserve it. It's not like I was ever worthy of a sterling reputation anyway.

*sigh*

People make life too complicated.
But I can't go in a cave...I'll get too crazy.

I just..want to heal...my mind, body and soul...I don't want to cause more pain or drama...I just want to be healed...and have my heart and soul bandaged and loved...from the process of ripping it went through. I'm not angry and I'm doing what I can to not be bitter...I want what is best for everyone...

But what is best for me?

Winding Down

Fallibility of life reaching out tonight,
fragrance of stagnating hope
all while waiting at this bus stop.

Sounds of crying and decay
all around
and in
consuming and infiltrating.

I can feel the sins of my own excess
crying up from the ground against me,
mixing and matching,
falling in ordered lineup
along nightmares
from long ago.

But what does one do
when one's dreams
become their terror of the night
and what does one do
when the god of self reaches out to embrace?

I am, I am, I am
screams out of purgatory
where the worst possible sentence
is getting everything you ever asked for
with nothing in return.

Freedom in a Hell of your own making,
falling and free
just within the constraints
of your own sick mind.

Freedom, true freedom
bought with blood
of a meek Lamb
and horrifyingly awe-some Lion
one of three
entwined beyond comprehension,
because human meaning.

It is, it is, it is
is what shall be said
and forever spoken of.


These poems, these words
never can they seek to convey
or illustrate
the complexities
and depth of my mind
and the thoughts
and the motives,
all which drive and push me onward.

You, dear reader,
the one reading
and filling in the gaps as it goes
we create this picture together.
Time and space are ignored
and the letters meld together
to form images
and a painting
varying in shades and hues.

The question,
is what do you see?
Does it matter what I meant?
Most of the time I have no,
these words just fall
and fall
and make their place.

Why?
No, not the most important question
but it is one that has driven me
since the chaos broke out.
However, since no one here knows
it'll simply have to be.

Choices, decisions, becomings, directives
and here we lay.

Lies and truth run together
and I look forward to the day
I leave all of this behind,
this soot and ash
and false words of no substance,
placating lies
perpetuating false grace.
My tongue just as guilty
so I point to myself first,
just know it hurts as well.

Yesterday's news, thrown out garbage.
Something, something, something...

Trying to recall a song that I have a small fragment of in my mind...

So let me be the first to say that having an internal infection where if I make the wrong sudden movement it could pop and kill me in a manner of hours is not only awesome but motivational as well!

You know...I can't imagine Hell being much worse than this...feeling abandoned by God and in excruciating pain.
That is my existence.
And my cat won't stop meowing at me.
Did I do something wrong?


I am sorry.
So, so sorry.
=/

Oh dear sweet God I didn't know I could hurt this freaking much.
I just don't know what to do.
I can't move, breath...without agony.
God.
Please.
Something.
Anything.

Quote of the Day:

"I nursed my resentments and disgrace like young plants, watering them, trimming back the dead leaves, making sure they got enough sunlight.

At times like these, I believe, Jesus rolls up his sleeves and smiles roguishly, and thinks, "This is good." He lets me get nice and crazy, until I can't take my own thinking and solutions for one more moment. The next morning, I got on my knees and prayed "Please, please, help me. Please let me feel You while I adjust to not getting what I was hoping for."

And then I remembered Rule 1: When all else fails follow instructions. And Rule 2: Don't be an asshole."
-Anne Lamott

Psalm 117

"Praise the Lord, all you nations.
Praise him, all you people of the earth.
For he loves us with unfailing love;
the Lord’s faithfulness endures forever.
Praise the Lord!"
-Psalm 117:1-2

This is it?
This is the entire psalm?

Honestly, the absolute last thing that was on my mind when I woke up this morning is "praise the Lord".
The absolute last thing I feel like doing is praising.
Maybe screaming.
Possibly jumping around my room punching and kicking the air out of frustration.
But praise?
No. Not in the least.

Maybe I am just bad at being a theology major but I refuse to do something that is not sincere, that is not an honest expression of my heart.

I am scared, I am bitter, I am terrified, I am in pain...I am full of fear and pain...so no the last thought on my mind is "praise the Lord/great things he hath done" because my first thought was "How bad is it going to be today?" "How painful will the tests be?" "Can't I just lay in bed and fade out of existence?"

I know there are absolutely wonderful and amazing things in life...and that there are flowers, sunshine and kittens...but they don't do a damn thing for me when the only thing I can do is curl up in a ball and cry from being in such pain.

Why are you so far away from me Lord?
Why do you wait so long to come and save me?
How long will you choose to turn a blind eye to your people, to me?
How long must we suffer in this world before you return and bring balance back into this world?

Yes, my sin is great.
I am jaded and bitter, cynical and full of hate...and for that I am sorry. I am sorry for being so weak, so quick to doubt and not believe you alone are worthy of praise...I'm sorry for being such a self-righteous git because it isn't helping me or anyone with dealing with me.

The last thing I ever intended was to get to upset over being in constant pain...but when it feels like every day might possibly be the worst day of my life...it starts to wear on one's soul.

How long?
How long to sing this song?
How long?
Oh, how long?

My throat is raw and I have no more tears to cry.
I'm so full of self I could just be like Jonah and lay here and sulk until I die from exposure. I am patterned after the worst of things here...and supposedly you still love me.

Why do I refuse to forgive and love?
Why do I want to hold onto these worldly nothings?
What can I do besides weep?
I want to be forgiven, I can't carry this burden...this weight on my own.
I'm holding too tight onto nothing that will never last and just cause me more pain.

I want to love you, I want to love you more and I need to be forgiven, I need the peace that can only come from you...I know that with you, we can do this together...I just need help standing back up...because I've fallen down again and am stuck flat on my face...sin and sin.

Where are we going?
Can we rest soon?
I feel faint from thirst and hunger...please keep me safe.
I'm so afraid of the lions that are out and about at night...please keep me safe.

I have nothing, all I am is found in you.
You alone Daddy.

...really?

Apparently some wounds only worsen with time.
Bah...I'm too tired to deal with this or care about this...

I just...yeah.
People.
Humanity.
Am I really all that surprised?

I hate doctors and hospitals.
Nothing is going to come out of this painful and awkward experience...and getting a hold of the doctor afterward is going to prove to be nigh impossible.

I hate needles.
I hate pain.
I'm still hurting from Monday and I'm going to have a few more holes and bruises added to my collection.

Oh well.
Doesn't matter I suppose.
Just another day in my life.
Another round of nausea and pain, another round of pain and asking questions.

Even with my near insanity at times...thankfully things are not worse...I can barely cope as is.

"It's common knowledge that you've been dead for a while.
It's well known that the cross is only a burden with pains and trials.
But thinking how come my shoes are so light,
how come I can walk for miles?
And still, just love you?

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words."

Why do I still care about something that was never real, much less mattered, in the first place?

Certainly fiction is not worth loosing so much sleep over...