Psalm 84

"How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
I long, yes, I faint with longing
to enter the courts of the Lord.
With my whole being, body and soul,
I will shout joyfully to the living God.
Even the sparrow finds a home,
and the swallow builds her nest and raises her young
at a place near your altar,
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, my King and my God!"
-Psalm 84:1-3



It feels silly to say I hunger and thirst for righteousness, for love, for hope eternal...but I do.
Where is the line between accepting I am human and tolerating sin because of my inner depravity?

I have felt such things...such wonder and such horrors...the outer courts of heaven to a few paces from the seventh circle of Hell.

Thank you for being faithful when I have sought ways to run...thank you.

Quote of the Day:

"Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a piece of blank paper until your forehead bleeds."
-Douglas Adams

Psalm 83

"O God, do not be silent!
Do not be deaf.
Do not be quiet, O God.
Don’t you hear the uproar of your enemies?
Don’t you see that your arrogant enemies are rising up?"
-Psalm 83:1-2

So many thoughts about judgment...and what it means to be on the receiving end of your just rage against sin and our disobedience.
But...if I understand...this judgment is something we choose by not letting you fix us, by redeeming us...it is an eternal action but also a daily process...of Hells or Heavens.

I'm tired of feeling like I am the enemy...you mention us about being sons and daughters...but God I just don't know what to do.
You know?

I mean...it is easy to talk doctrine but until it is truth in the heart and mind...what good are our attempts to systematically categorize you?
I want the love to be real...and for the obedience in my life to come from love...not terror...

Silly Moments of Time

I strived to impress people who had little vested interest in me to begin with...making a fool out of myself and going above and beyond for nothing...when just simple joys around me are so much better than bleeding myself dry over toxic relationships.

I never thought I would be so grateful for the taste of Gatorade and cereal in the morning.

I am alive.
I could have died at any point in the past twenty-four years...and I am grateful to be so loved, so cared about.

I go on about the negative and heaven knows I have enough to complain about...but I am grateful to be able to move at all, to speak and type this silly thing with so many millions have no clean water, food or electricity.

I don't know why you love me Father but thank you.
Help me to learn what that love really means...

"As the Ruin Falls" by C.S. Lewis

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

Psalm 82

"“How long will you hand down unjust decisions
by favoring the wicked?
“Give justice to the poor and the orphan;
uphold the rights of the oppressed and the destitute.
Rescue the poor and helpless;
deliver them from the grasp of evil people."
-Psalm 82:2-4

A thought that has been heavy on my mind lately is Your justice...what it means exactly for you to not only deliver justice but what you see when you see our sin...and what it means for you to see Jesus' death instead of our filth.

It seems impossible, it certainly is improbable that you would love and desire to be near sinners...that you would wish to eat with me and keep company with me and the rest of the 'sinners'.

What is this fleeting life?
Thousands of innocent children are dying a day...where is their justice?
Who stands up in defense of them?
How can you stand by while we have made such a mess of things...while there is such utter misery?
Is free will worth enough to you that you would see so many innocents not only suffer but die so excruciatingly?

Even my pain...the daily struggles I have to function...I know I am not innocent. I have sinned against you and though I have placed my faith in Christ...I still feel I deserve the pain...but that isn't right...is it?

To be made new is to be made new...all sin has been wiped away, all the horrors forgiven...it's just like You have opened the door and you are waiting for me to step through into new life...a life to where I see this gross injustice and I am supposed to do something...but I can't, not on my own anyway.

This love, this beauty...this hope...is more than I could expect...and I want to learn how to be loved by you...and that you like me and want me near.
Maybe I can start doing some sort of good after I learn that...

Such unexpected beauty...

Peace.

Quote of the Day:

"Man with all his shrewdness is as stupid about understanding by himself the mysteries of God, as a donkey is incapable of understanding musical harmony."
-John Calvin

Psalm 81

"You must never have a foreign god;
you must not bow down before a false god.
For it was I, the Lord your God,
who rescued you from the land of Egypt.
Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things."
-Psalm 81:9-10

Beloved...Abba...the idols in my life look so much like me.
The false god I pursue looks so much like me.

My Egypt, my slavery of self hate...addiction to pleasure...to buying, to controlling, to beating myself in order to feel good about my spirituality.

I've been alive for almost twenty-four years and I am still learning the very basic aspects of what it means to be a Christian.

Simplicity...love today, tomorrow...

My faith is so weak that I can't believe that God loves me for me...and likes me despite my tendency to sin. I don't need to worry about the 'grand' lessons...I just need to learn what it means to love and be loved. To stop running back to Egypt and be able to find contentment in this place.

So much going on...so many things, so many thoughts...

The air is somewhat cooler but still having some trouble breathing...ack...lousy lungs...why do you disdain me along with the rest of my body?

There is hope...unexpected beauty in this dark night...


It is just...struggling with who I am takes its toll after a while.
I want to be faithful.
That is all I want.
But I am afraid of the pain I cause...and all the hurt...choices, decisions, feelings, life...expression.

I miss art.
I miss what felt like the Muse directly injecting ideas into my soul.
I also miss the peace that comes from silence and obedience.

I can smile.
I will smile.

Yes.

You know...I sometimes hate being right.
Especially when it involves a friend's doomed relationship.

Quote of the Day:

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'”
-C.S. Lewis

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"Juggernaut" - Five Iron Frenzy

Psalm 78

"So each generation should set its hope anew on God,
not forgetting his glorious miracles
and obeying his commands.
Then they will not be like their ancestors—
stubborn, rebellious, and unfaithful,
refusing to give their hearts to God."
-Psalm 78:7-8


What does it mean to 'set its hope anew'?
Does it have something to do with expectation, goals, ideals of worship or something else entirely?

How can it feel as if I have been alive for generations?
To feel so weathered in my soul, as if I have lived to see so much born and passed away? Ultimately I feel as if I am nothing more than Israel...stubborn, rebellious, unfaithful...this adulterous bride whose last concern is her betrothed.

God...wants my heart?
He not only loves me...but likes me...wants me closer to Him...YOU want me closer...I just...do you understand how impossible this seems and sounds?

Yet...my heart beats so fast when you are near...I loose my grasp on the temporal...and it as if things are fading from view and are beginning to make sense for the first time...

The stench of the hypocrisy which flows from my mouth...such trite and meaningless metaphors...like a drunk stumbling in a dirty alley. Grace has never left me...and still chases after me...

"From machines that I have made
I’ve become the slave
but I’ve been carried along
freedom like a song
Freedom lifts me like a song
when the weak shall be made strong..."

"The Anatomy of Hypocrisy"

The phrase and title gives me some ideas...

It's clear I've been running...just running from You, myself and everything.

The question is...what am I hiding from?

It's not as if I could succeed.

I know part of it...but there is so much I do not see about myself...about life.

I've cared too much about opinions and I am dying from the weight of expectations on my shoulders...my spirit cannot breath because I left the yoke of the Lord and took on this world, well meaning people who I cannot help, and I drown in the smallest of streams.

At any point You could have wiped me out, destroyed me in Your wrath...and yet grace, beautiful and wonderful grace for a sinner like me. Thanks hardly seems appropriate...much less when I fall down so often and am a child.

But thanks...thanks a million times.

Somethings...someone I do miss...and conversations, joy and life...

It feels as though the day is stretching on and night may last forever.

But...eternity...if nothing else will be a long enough time to catch up.

I do miss the true honesty...not abrasive berating for its own sake...or self motivated righteousness seeking things I can't defend...or just me being on trial for being the fool I am...but the love that grows between two souls sharing life.

It's good to know I can feel.
The pain will pass.
The beauty will grow.
Everything worthwhile will bloom.

Such wonder, such greatness...revealed to one as me?
Such a paradox.
But such beauty.

I keep forgetting that I am turning twenty-four in a few days...for some reason I kept think it was twenty-five.

Ack...numbers.

Isn't prayer supposed to be one of those givens?

I am in such intense physical agony right now that I wish to scream...but no one who can hear me will be able to do anything.

I'm trying to trust and be obedient...even in this incredible darkness...but I'm afraid. I can't carry on, I can't breath...I am broken and needy.
Please don't leave me here...don't forget me...

I feel as though everything is...

The effect of a good story is the impact it makes after all is said and done...something feels like it is missing but also that something has been added.

Yeah...it was a good story.