I hate losing friends because of my beliefs...I hate the feeling of driving people away because of what I believe and how the Holy One...can be the only true Love in my life...

*sigh*

Beauty Beyond Beauty, Hope Beyond Hope

I can't stand how disgustingly shallow I am...I think it is going to drive me to madness one of these days.

Do I really need all these books?
These movies?
These games?
This stupid computer?
Do I need to waste even more hours of my life on games?

If things work out for Wheaton...then what?
Another place to call home?
More stuff piled in places I will never want to go back to?

I hate this middle class stupor, this apathy which begs me to stop thinking, stop caring and just settle for a mediocre Christian life which doesn't give a damn about anyone else.

The problem...the paradox, even the apathy, is all wrapped up in the ego-centric use of the first-person, singular personal pronoun "I".

That IS who and what this is all about right?
After all, who is everyone else and what do they matter?

Maybe if I was less of a contradiction things would be much more simple...or maybe it would just prove my theory that the only people content are those who refuse to see themselves for who they truly are. The struggle...to refusing to surrender to our base nature and be controlled by it is what helps make us...shape us...form us into who we are becoming for all of eternity.



** ** ** ** **



For those who stop long enough to realize Your power...how infinite, how destructive, how horrifically beyond our notion of perfection You are...there are no words. Everything ends, everything dies, everything in our grasp of the universe is decaying but You are not.

There is this growing fear...uncertainty of knowing just how to be...how to cope with...how to deal with such things.

The shallowness of my heart expose my true intentions...that I have never truly tried to love You...I have just been here sucking up all the safety and security I could find.

I just...want to be loved and to be found faithful...that is...that is all.
Everything else is dying, everything else is fading away and is dying.
There is no certainty, there is nothing in this world except open hope.

I have no songs, no poems, no words to offer or to give...just myself.
My broken, jaded and bitter love that I clutch onto until the end and reluctantly surrender to the One who has owned it all the time.

My knees are broken, my soul crushed...can You find the child of faith inside this growing web of cynicism?

Infinite, wondrous beauty, for who praise there could never be enough. We are narcissists but how You are pure and beyond our grasp...yet You lower and bring Yourself to our level...just so we might begin to grasp the infinite beauty and love You want to share and give.


"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"

I both love and hate the reminder that I am finite and will be finished oh so soon...

Pacified Thoughts

To return gross rudeness (unintentional or otherwise) with gross rudeness is to forget the point of the cross.

IS life about me?
What I want?
What I need?
What I think?

It is our base nature which cries out for blood, a broken bone for a broken bone...the base nature of ours which demands justice. But...how can a broken and incredibly finite creature do something such as 'justice'? Our sins are so great and so many...the face we are able to pray at all is a miracle in and of itself.

Prayer.
Begging for mercy from above, for grace for those who have wronged us...for the Christian we have no other choice but to pray for those who hurt us, persecute us and who cause us pain.

Where is the line?
What is the point?
Where?
How?

I know not.
I only know that I wish to be faithful and obedient like Christ, even unto death like the savior I seek to follow.

Quote of the Day:

"A faith that can be destroyed by suffering is not faith."
-Richard Wurmbrand

Nomenclature

Bathing moon light
passing on by
carrying hope
being lifted high on lies
as the clock is ticking by.

Life, light and lies
slipping out on your tongue
like the hyperbole hypocrisy I wrote,
just acting as I am too afraid to.

I have no idea what any of this is supposed to be.

Being myself,
just bearing my cross
and unloading my soul
is never quite enough to be enough.

Irregardless, time and life
wouldn't stop for you
even if you asked them to.

Is this your love?
Is this your salvation?
Is this the faith your profess,
that flickering
and glimmering
aspect of hope
you keep throwing in the trash?

Pearls to swine
or maybe it is wine to water,
either way
you couldn't recognize the difference.

Interference riding in on crashing static waves,
hoping to bring you truth in several flavors
just so you aren't inconvenienced.

Oie.

This has become the house of the cooking fire grill rave.

Oh yes.

Ahhh!
Stuff!

I am tired...so tired in ways and awake.
Clothes are washing...

Books are being read...the evening is on its way.

I still cannot manage any sort of coherent thoughts...
Ack.

I am forgetting something...it seems...

Amazing how my mind somehow manages to never turn off...just...

So...that was an interesting take on Robin Hood.
Brain tired.
Stress from life...and decisions to make...

Choice.
Indecision.

Hope...?

So many routes and roads to traverse...why can they never be the easy ones?

I...do...not...really...know...know...know...

I am...not sure.

Hmm...

You know...there is apparently a difference between saying and doing...who knew?

*Sigh*

People are so depressingly stupid...

"The ghost of hope still strikes its brilliant lightning.
Through the dark our hearts will scream,
for a world we’ve only dreamed.
And the past, it will decay,
so sing goodbye to yesterday
and I believe."

There is nothing quite like the feeling of loosing your mind!

Hooray!

=D

Quote of the Day:

"As we come to grips with our own selfishness and stupidity, we make friends with the impostor and accept that we are impoverished and broken and realize that, if we were not, we would be God. The art of gentleness toward ourselves leads to being gentle with others -- and is a natural prerequisite for our presence to God in prayer."
— Brennan Manning

Ack...essay writing...ack.

Argh.

Blurgh.

Blergh.

Blearghurgherghs.

Yes...try saying that last one five times fast.

I just...
The wonder and helplessness I feel at times...what hope prevails and drives this heart to force my way through the surreal landscape surrounding me?

I'm not sure...how and why but people speak of Hell with authority.
The grandeur of Heaven is reduced to mere humanistic terms...the physical and what we get out of it...not what truth may be...truth beyond our understanding and desire.

So many of the issues revolve around...

The words I wish to utilize silence themselves because of the narcissism involved with it.

Features...floundering and Hell...this and that...this and that...
Why do I bother to care?
What is it I am fighting for?

At the smallest...slightest...things divide and pain...
Jesus, why?
I don't want to carry this burden...but has it ever been my choice?
What is relevant in decision when it feels like all I can do...is...is...

It is clear I haven't dealt with things ending with this semester...seeing an empty ice cream box was enough to almost make me want to cry.

I had something profound...but it's gone...now it's just a mixture of exhaustion and not knowing where exactly to look right now...but everything is...is...and will be.

Chicago...doesn't feel all that far away right now...

More than ever I am getting the distinct impression this university isn't all that concerned about my well being...