I can't stand how disgustingly shallow I am...I think it is going to drive me to madness one of these days.
Do I really need all these books?
These movies?
These games?
This stupid computer?
Do I need to waste even more hours of my life on games?
If things work out for Wheaton...then what?
Another place to call home?
More stuff piled in places I will never want to go back to?
I hate this middle class stupor, this apathy which begs me to stop thinking, stop caring and just settle for a mediocre Christian life which doesn't give a damn about anyone else.
The problem...the paradox, even the apathy, is all wrapped up in the ego-centric use of the first-person, singular personal pronoun "I".
That IS who and what this is all about right?
After all, who is everyone else and what do they matter?
Maybe if I was less of a contradiction things would be much more simple...or maybe it would just prove my theory that the only people content are those who refuse to see themselves for who they truly are. The struggle...to refusing to surrender to our base nature and be controlled by it is what helps make us...shape us...form us into who we are becoming for all of eternity.
** ** ** ** **
For those who stop long enough to realize Your power...how infinite, how destructive, how horrifically beyond our notion of perfection You are...there are no words. Everything ends, everything dies, everything in our grasp of the universe is decaying but You are not.
There is this growing fear...uncertainty of knowing just how to be...how to cope with...how to deal with such things.
The shallowness of my heart expose my true intentions...that I have never truly tried to love You...I have just been here sucking up all the safety and security I could find.
I just...want to be loved and to be found faithful...that is...that is all.
Everything else is dying, everything else is fading away and is dying.
There is no certainty, there is nothing in this world except open hope.
I have no songs, no poems, no words to offer or to give...just myself.
My broken, jaded and bitter love that I clutch onto until the end and reluctantly surrender to the One who has owned it all the time.
My knees are broken, my soul crushed...can You find the child of faith inside this growing web of cynicism?
Infinite, wondrous beauty, for who praise there could never be enough. We are narcissists but how You are pure and beyond our grasp...yet You lower and bring Yourself to our level...just so we might begin to grasp the infinite beauty and love You want to share and give.
"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"
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