"Creep" - Radiohead

2007-2010's theme song is official.

Quote of the Day, the Fourth:

“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”
-C.S. Lewis

Quote of the Day - Part Three:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
-C.S. Lewis




I know that is the truth...but if the price of love...of friendships...of making family is nothing but this bitter sting of pain and isolation...I wish I never would have had it to begin with. I wish I never breathed the air of this same terra firma as the notion of pain and love...I wish the best possible of worlds truly did exist and it was nowhere near this Hell.

That is my current struggle.

I want to close my heart, my mind, my soul and just let it rot...or just end it all.

I don't like who I am or what I have become...so bitter and jaded over doing the right thing. I don't think...in fact I know it isn't just you...or one or two other things...it's a life that has been spiraling downward for years trying to serve myself.

I want peace, I want grace...I want...

Yeah, I want that too.

But I just can't live with it, I can't function without it.

It's angst, it's been drawn and cut off, it's been reminded that to live is to hurt...and hurting and pain are how we define our existence...UNTIL we find something bigger than ourselves.

And I have that in You Love...it's just the rest of your damn creation that is driving me mad right now. Your daughters and sons...someday...I hope we can sit down and have a chat about this. I can have my cat and dog there...and just be held by you while I cry about the pain and have You take it away...drawing the venom and pain from my soul as give me grace, give me the eternal love that You are.

"The thought it comes to my mind, to somehow intervene
But it could bring me trouble, and what can I do anyway?
It's hard to be effective when it happens so often
To see a life unraveling, through drawn venetian blinds
I'm sickened by compassion, I'm stifled by my limitations
Anesthetic apathy, come take the pain away."

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

"Sometimes you say things in songs even if there's a small chance of them being true. And sometimes you say things that have nothing to do with the truth of what you want to say and sometimes you say things that everyone knows to be true. Then again, at the same time, you're thinking that the only truth on earth is that there is no truth on it. Whatever you are saying, you're saying in a ricky-tick way. There's never time to reflect. You stitched and pressed and packed and drove, is what you did."
-Bob Dylan

This pain in my body, my heart and soul is for a reason...right?
Increase my faith please.

Forgive my idolatry...for I need You...

"When He Returns" - Kevin Max

Blood Stained Eyes

I need to be stronger than this,
what are tears but fallen water?
Expressionless water wasted
dripping at an unpredictable rate
as I wonder
and I wonder why
not knowing how
but feeling
and hoping
that the love we share
is as eternal as Your light
and infinite as your peace.

I'm struggling to find footing
trying to just breath in this world
You know I need You
more now, more than ever
and I'm loosing my step
forgetting my breath
like the way Home.

Make me a way
give me the strength
It's late and I'm already crying
needing only what You can give me.

"I'm Happy Just To Dance With You" - Anne Murray

Stupefyingly beautiful song.

Can't sleep...problems keeping me up.

Listening to Queen's '86 Wembley concert while reading "Jesus Loves You This I Know".

Music:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdGcX-s99Rg&feature=PlayList&p=14B841A896833C5C&index=0

Book:
http://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Loves-You-This-I-Know/dp/0801013291/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256287048&sr=8-1


I started a couple of hours ago and I'm almost done with the book...really good read, important stuff about getting back to the roots of Jesus' love in doing ministry. God I want to do this so bad...

Quote of the Day:

"In our sleep, pain which cannot beget
falls drop by drop upon the heart
until, in our own despair, against our will,
comes wisdom through the awful grace of God."
-Aeschylus

"Believe" - The Newsboys

Interesting Article

About John James, the original lead singer of The Newsboys and about his struggle with addictions and faith:

http://www.crossrhythms.co.uk/articles/print.php?Article_ID=25790

Top of the Tower

I'm sitting at the window looking into the night, the dark that my eyes can't break. I'm sipping cocoa and listening to a little music of hope.

I am flabbergasted at the sheer amount of drama that can fit into one day.

Why do I make stupid decisions?

Base of self?

None of this stuff makes me genuinely happy anyways. I'm best at compromising and pretending everything is okay just so I don't have to make major decisions.

Lord, what the hell am I doing?
Where am I going?
What do You want from me?

I guess I don't know you as half as well as I thought I did.
I feel...things but so many of them have no real meaning, right?
Superficial thoughts and an overly dependent personality do not make any sort of friendship worth mentioning.

I don't like the drama in my life.
I don't like the pain.

I suck at dealing with strife in a healthy way.
I want to run, I want to hide, I just want to flee from everything I know and go somewhere to start new.

So much I hate Matthew Pike and I want him to die.
I can't stand who he is, what he stands for, what he does, what he doesn't do...he isn't a villain but he is not a hero. He is tragically human, with all the same flaws as you...except he doesn't see him as you do.

It would be so easy to just end it, right now.
I could do it and be lost to the void in a matter of minutes, if not just seconds.
But that misses the point I think.

I either have to face the fact that life isn't just this...one second, one moment...but here we are. A mix of good and bad.

I just wish I could find rest and an easy way out of this place.

I want to be a coward and take the easy way out...I don't care to hear about how God loves me enough to let me suffer...just making it through today is hard enough.

I suppose a key tip off was never being asked simple things...like how I was.
Tip offs like...

The mind, the soul and body are all stressed.
So many words, so many thoughts.
Divide and ridiculous in nature.

If I could change something...it would just being able to let go, to be able to let my mind shut down and relax.
I can't sleep, I am not able to at night because of every little thought about every possibility.
Even if I could pour myself into a life saving project...my apathy wants to rule. I want to make this all about me...so I don't have to have responsibility.



But that is just the night.

I'm alive.

I was born with purpose.

I keep running and running and still You love me.
Thank you.
Help me, pull me out of this zone of comfort and this need to be about me. I want to forget about everything except You for a good while...teach me, love me please.

If feeling alone and like I'm going crazy is Hell...then I'm a few levels above it currently.

The food is bad, the service is worse and I have this funny aftertaste in my mouth that tastes of guilt and shame.

And it's lonely out here in space.

Well I'm a terrible person.

I think...I've run out for now.

Which is sort of sad...I'm writing about writing nothing.

My mind needs to shush now.

"Comfortably Numb" - Pink Floyd

*sigh*

What is it with me and wanting to rush in and help people the second it seems they are in any trouble whatsoever?

I'm just...going to fade away on this.

I'm not wanted or needed...I'm just not sure which of those two are the more important qualifiers.

I would say in case of an emergency...you know how to get me...but that is precisely the problem I think. I am just a 'go to' guy when things get rough or go bad...not that I don't mind...seriously. Ministry is a thankless task...but I hate thinking of my friends as just being 'clientele' or something.

Like...when I move...I was thinking of having a small going away party...but it's just going to be like graduation night back in high school...or university...me sitting in my room smiling all sort of sad because I can't get ahold of anyone and no included me in any of the plans.

Sad sorta...the plus side...if there is one, is that it literally cannot get worse for me today.

I am one hundred percent sure it cannot and will not get worse.

Logistically speaking it is impossible.

Which is sort of a relief...help me to stay the course...please.

Looks like it's going to be one of those years...

Fact:

Storing loose change in a glass Sobe bottle for several years will in fact make the coins smell like the former drink, albeit with a particular metal scent worked in.

I now have coins with the smell of Liz Blizz Pina Colada.

No, they do not taste like Liz Blizz Pina Colada flavored drink.

I know it is history...but still...why does almost every Biblical story have to end in death?

For once...why can't the happy ending happen while still here on earth?

Help my weak faith grow...I've read Genesis a half dozen times and only You know how many more times I'll read it before I die...but I just need hope.

Please?

Help me to trust that this is the best way...that You know what you are doing and that You can give peace and love...even in this chaotic mess. Increase my weak faith, my faith which flees at the moment of pain.

Help me surrender to what is true, what is good, what is pure...not my false concepts over what is to become of me...but the plan you wrote at the beginning of time.

Quote of the Day - Part Three:

"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."
-Douglas Adams

Playful Intent

I'm like a child
who has lost his way.
Not knowing my left
from my right.

Just longing to hear something,
to hear something good
to know what I did wrong
and baby what I did right.
If anything.

I can't cry
it's much too late
much too late to drink
and I can't miss the beat
or bear the brunt
of repeated failures
of knowing.

Knowing nothing
is knowing enough for you
but never knowing
is enough to drive me mad
because after all
I'm just a child,
picking at the sores
knowing it's hurting
and not knowing why
just knowing I see blood
and feel a little hurt
and hoping it works out.