Top of the Tower

I'm sitting at the window looking into the night, the dark that my eyes can't break. I'm sipping cocoa and listening to a little music of hope.

I am flabbergasted at the sheer amount of drama that can fit into one day.

Why do I make stupid decisions?

Base of self?

None of this stuff makes me genuinely happy anyways. I'm best at compromising and pretending everything is okay just so I don't have to make major decisions.

Lord, what the hell am I doing?
Where am I going?
What do You want from me?

I guess I don't know you as half as well as I thought I did.
I feel...things but so many of them have no real meaning, right?
Superficial thoughts and an overly dependent personality do not make any sort of friendship worth mentioning.

I don't like the drama in my life.
I don't like the pain.

I suck at dealing with strife in a healthy way.
I want to run, I want to hide, I just want to flee from everything I know and go somewhere to start new.

So much I hate Matthew Pike and I want him to die.
I can't stand who he is, what he stands for, what he does, what he doesn't do...he isn't a villain but he is not a hero. He is tragically human, with all the same flaws as you...except he doesn't see him as you do.

It would be so easy to just end it, right now.
I could do it and be lost to the void in a matter of minutes, if not just seconds.
But that misses the point I think.

I either have to face the fact that life isn't just this...one second, one moment...but here we are. A mix of good and bad.

I just wish I could find rest and an easy way out of this place.

I want to be a coward and take the easy way out...I don't care to hear about how God loves me enough to let me suffer...just making it through today is hard enough.

I suppose a key tip off was never being asked simple things...like how I was.
Tip offs like...

The mind, the soul and body are all stressed.
So many words, so many thoughts.
Divide and ridiculous in nature.

If I could change something...it would just being able to let go, to be able to let my mind shut down and relax.
I can't sleep, I am not able to at night because of every little thought about every possibility.
Even if I could pour myself into a life saving project...my apathy wants to rule. I want to make this all about me...so I don't have to have responsibility.



But that is just the night.

I'm alive.

I was born with purpose.

I keep running and running and still You love me.
Thank you.
Help me, pull me out of this zone of comfort and this need to be about me. I want to forget about everything except You for a good while...teach me, love me please.