At least my old, albeit psychotically moody, cat won't judge me.

He just uses me for food, water and shelter.

In exchange he glares at me and complains.

So...yay.

Ah conflict...you had to come back...didn't you?

This whole health thing is driving me crazy...one minute I feel amazing and the next I'll feel as though I have been ran over by a metaphorical truck that forget that it shouldn't exist in reality.

And...most people confuse me.

There are only a handful of people I trust...some I'll never understand how they worked under my skin and armor...but they are there for better or for worse.

I'm not complaining, at least I do not think I am trying to complain.

I want peace, I need hope and I'm lost without Your love oh Lover.

Temporal human love baffles me...I don't understand the intrinsic draw that makes people wish to commit to something that they know is doomed from the start. There is a selfish part of me that wishes the only fellowship I was created for was with God...that way I could avoid all of these awkward and painful moments with people.

Hugs hurt because they are fading, temporal symbols that won't endure the night. They aren't made to...and so the problem is partly mine for putting the desire for the eternal on things so temporal.

Do people even stop to think what Heaven is?
No more division from God, pure love with no bound as we are brought close to Yahweh.
I can think of so many pointless and trivial that feel like they just burn away in the presence of the Father.
It's a terrifying thought of being united with the Holy one who knows no sin, who destroys everything unclean out of holy and just wrath, knowing that nothing I can do can make Him love me more or less...and I can just go on because there is just so much good mixed with fear.

He isn't a tame Lion, He is fierce and beautiful.

I want to love so deeply that everything else becomes nothing, the rubbish and trash it is.

Quote of the Day, the Fourth:

"I mean that to be in a relationship with God is to be loved purely and furiously. And a person who thinks himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because he can't accept who God is; a Being that is love. We learn that we are lovable or unlovable from other people," Paul says. "That is why God tells us so many times to love each other.""
-Donald Miller

I would like to formally request for someone to dropkick me in the face should I actually go about trying to reactivate my Final Fantasy XI account.

Anyone who does me this service shall be paid in candies.

Quote of the Day - Part Three:

"My most recent faith struggle is not one of intellect. I don't really do that anymore. Sooner or later you just figure out there are some guys who don't believe in God and they can prove He doesn't exist, and some other guys who can prove He does exist, and the argument stopped being about God a long time ago and now it's about who is smarter, and honestly, I don't care.

And that's when I realized that believing in God is as much like falling in love as it is like making a decision. Love is both something that happens to you and something you decide upon."
-Donald Miller

"Oh you look so beautiful tonight
in this city, city of blinding lights"

I...I think,
I think that,
I just...I just
might be beginning,
yeah beginning to believe.

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

"Never call yourself a philosopher, nor talk a great deal among the unlearned about theorems, but act conformably to them. Thus, at an entertainment, don't talk how persons ought to eat, but eat as you ought. For remember that in this manner Socrates also universally avoided all ostentation. And when persons came to him and desired to be recommended by him to philosophers, he took and recommended them, so well did he bear being overlooked. So that if ever any talk should happen among the unlearned concerning philosophic theorems, be you, for the most part, silent. For there is great danger in immediately throwing out what you have not digested. And, if anyone tells you that you know nothing, and you are not nettled at it, then you may be sure that you have begun your business. For sheep don't throw up the grass to show the shepherds how much they have eaten; but, inwardly digesting their food, they outwardly produce wool and milk. Thus, therefore, do you likewise not show theorems to the unlearned, but the actions produced by them after they have been digested."
-Epictetus

Quote of the Day:

"'What is truth?' said jesting Pilate, and would not stay for an answer."
-Francis Bacon


Talk about some pwnage right there.

"Last Night on Earth" - U2

Here is the kitsch horror movie esque music video version silly youtube won't let me post on here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwWCUSrpXFw&feature=related

Breath, yeah baby yeah!

It's excessively silly things like that...that make me wonder...but then I remember how little of life I am refusing to take serious now. Not everything is a joke...but more things should make people laugh more than it should make them cry or even upset them in the first place...because...who really...can take the time to care?

Drama?
Oh no, oh no thank you, no thank you, it's not for me, never for me.
I want to smile and see other people smile.
If I can play a song that will make people dance or at least stop to think...then I am doing something beautiful.
If I can write a poem that makes someone realize they are never alone, that they aren't the only person left being human...then that is something too.
I don't NEED to find myself like that...it's a want...but God, thank YOU so much for being so beautiful to a broken wretch like me.
Thank You so much for being so good.

=)

I can breathe.

"Walk out into the street
Sing your heart out
The people we meet
Will not be drowned out
There's nothing you have that I need
I can breathe
Breathe now
Yeah, yeah

We are people borne of sound
The songs are in our eyes
Gonna wear them like a crown

Walk out, into the sunburst street
Sing your heart out, sing my heart out
I've found grace inside a sound
I found grace, it's all that I found
And I can breathe
Breathe now"

Woah...sleepy what evers...hmm...

Strange thought.

But I am tired beating my head on that door.

No sense trying to do something that never was really wanted.

Hmm...I also can't stand friends of convenience but that is enough confused and sleepy rants for the night.

Yay!

Quote of the Day - Part Three:

"Faith is the highest passion in a human being. Many in every generation may not come that far, but none comes further."
-Soren Kierkegaard

Expectation and hope are so very nice...but I think I need to go ahead and give them up and sell the extras I have kept in storage. The recession is hitting everyone hard so I'm sure I can find a buyer on ebay.

Cynicism, bitterness and self betrayal are so much easier to maintain because all one has to do is stagnate long enough and the world because the enemy.

Maybe that is the Church's problem. We're so good at sitting on our hands that we have nothing better to do than play games of who is more holy than whom.

Ultimately the problem is me, I'm not on the front lines in Africa or China doing mission work...so I don't have the right to point the finger. Heck, I won't even part with clothes or food to give to those who are freezing and starving to death.

Child of God I may be...but...I flaunt it too much for someone who doesn't realize what that means anymore.

"It's not if I believe in love
but if love believes in me."

Quote of the day Three:

"Bah, humanity."
-C.S. Lewis

If John Lennon was right in that "God is a Concept by which we measure our pain" then love itself is nothing more than this man invented self delusion by which we attempt to force order and structure into a senseless chaos that has no ultimate meaning or real purpose.

Love is is this tainted, useless, fetid, rotten and disgusting human invention that we use to justify waging wars, the ludicrous acts of procreation and reason enough to get out of bed in the morning.

Humanity is its own worst enemy because we do not allow systems of checks and balances unless they suit us and our needs, therefore negating the very purpose and reason thereof.

God, how I hate the arrogance of my own intellect.

May this rage, this outrage give birth to enough energy to help me punch a hole through this wall, so I can crawl through back into life.

"Undying" - Demon Hunter

Ever since the day that I was made I’ve been deciding the end
And I was made of wood and stone that won’t diminish or bend
So when the heavy hand of death is here to take me away
I’ll be the solid grip of time, forever holding my stay
Nobody ever made a force that took a beating like me
I call the earth and every scum to come and try to fight me
Cus when I made the choice to live beyond the dirt that we tread
I felt the curse of mortal limit fall before it was said

When this season ends…

One final heart-break
And blinding lights will guide our way
Free us our blind state
They will call us by our name
Undying

Tearing through these days I find the tolerance to strive and push on
I know what lies beyond this life for me is already won
No one can take away the blood that covers over my fall
Without the blood of perfect life I know I’m nothing at all
So now I reign forever hallowed in eternity’s hand
No man can shake me from the everlasting ground that I stand

When this season ends…

One final heart-break
And blinding lights will guide our way
Free us our blind state
They will call us by our name
Undying

We are the ones who will still remain when all is laid to waste
We are the ones who, when angels cry, will see them face to face
We are the ones

See my Sickness, See the Burns and Feel the Hope

I stayed this way
and just danced to this tune
because I thought
yeah I just thought it was you.
It wasn't until I realized
I made it about you,
just about you
how shallow this all ever way.

I speak about home
and hope about hope
all the time just dancing
in and outside of time
hoping for hope
and hoping to be,
just to be something I'm not.

I never played at being anything
unless it was a part
just being a part
of everything
and nothing
all wrapped into this nonsense
so I could distract
while I detract from my own soul
and not care as I die
all forgotten and alone
by the One Love
that carried this burden
that my crisis was
and seems to forever be.

At the end,
at our end
at every end
we just find we ended where we began,
hoping to find hope
and needing something more
beyond us
and at the end
it's not about us.
With shock and horror
we find that none are righteous
none were saints,
our absurd thoughts on morality
were nothing more than a play,
a bad play on words
while we pretend to know
that we know
when it is we know nothing
and act as thought everything
was ours for the taken.

If I cared more for truth
you never would have read this,
it would be in the rubbish pile
waiting for the flames.
This is an altar,
my desecration
waiting unashamed
in its horrid naked state,
waiting to be told
just how twisted
and broken it is.

If I cared for truth,
I would have burned this vile trash
and never looked back.
But desiring lust
my heart is forever entwined
in everything that isn't
instead of everything that is.

You are not me
and you never were.

You can see me
but you can't see
with these tainted eyes.
All we can all see
is our lack of hope
while waiting
and burning
and crying in here.

My soul's transgressions
are summed up in saying everything
and nothing
all at once
so I am thought wise,
but only Jesus sees me as I am.
Broken, needy, oh baby so needy,
and hopeless without His Love.

I'm not playing at playing
just seeing to be me
and nothing more
because I can't take this anymore.
I refuse to admit to the drugs,
the sex and bad rock
but you can take this poem
and cash it at the bank
and maybe,
just maybe it won't eat your soul
like it's devoured mine.

I'm ready to feel
just the weight of the eternal
being lifted
and to know what it is like
to see the sky peeled back
and the ecstasy
of my soul leaving this cadaver
as I long to hear Your sweet voice
just once, just once more
as I lay here dying,
covered in morose regret
and a lifetime of shame.

Christ have mercy
for I never had mercy,
Christ show grace
to the one who lacked grace,
Christ give love
to the one who made a game of love
and hold back Your wrath
just one more day,
so maybe,
just maybe
these will see Your eternal love
stretched
and cruelly pinned
to cheap wood
as we play this game
of religion and church
as You weep for us.

"I tried everything to find you
I even took the stairway to hell
I wrote these words down to remind you
that I know life is never pass or fail

so hand me the keys to your kingdom
give me back my garden of Eden
lead me to a place that I can call my own

a home
a sanctuary
home

and we are standing on the edge of it
trying to make some sense of it all
the fear is building and the hatred
until you know we're left with nothing left at all
you know I'm falling"
-Kevin Max, "Sanctuary"

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

"God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love."
-C.S. Lewis

Quote of the Day:

"What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?"
-Irv Kupcinet

Hope is a bit trickier to have than one might think...