Saturday, October 17, 2009
"Spartan" - Five Iron Frenzy
Billie Holiday on the radio
my sluggish heart is beating seven beats too slow
another sad song and another shot of blue
cold and unconcerned are anything but new
He said “Love endures all things”
and it hurts to think He’s right
If I mark the span of failure
is his burden just as light?
I am, Spartan
close my heart so tight
Jesus
Save me
from myself tonight
Limping through the world
there’s a knowing look or two
is it just the cripples here
who understand the truth?
Why is love so painful
why do we always lose
paving pathways for the lost
the bitter, and recluse?
He said “Love endures all things”
and it hurts to think it’s true
did it nail Him on a cross
did it crucify Him too?
I am, Spartan
close my heart so tight
Jesus
Save me
from myself tonight
The angels are singing over the plains
the shepherds are quaking, echoing refrains
And all of our slogans designed to take away the pain
meant nothing to the Son of God that night in Bethlehem
Encouragement comes in all forms:
Always nice to know someone has already been recognized as the worst writer of all time, saves me the fear of claiming the title for myself.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amanda_McKittrick_Ros
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amanda_McKittrick_Ros
Models, RPG's and Emulators
So the other day I was talking to my online friend who does modeling in Britain and we got onto the subject of Dungeons and Dragons and World of Warcraft. Neither of us knew the other was an aficionado of the pen and paper RPG realm and the ensuing dorky discussion led to her showing me a picture of her giving a high five to a statue of an Orc riding a Wargen (from Lord of the Rings) and that led to me making a playful jab about her being an Orc lover.
Turns out she actually mostly plays male Orc and Blood Elf characters on World of Warcraft. My initial thought was because of wanting to avoid lecherous perverts but it turns out she simply prefers the aesthetics of the male character models.
My mind was blown and I came to a conclusion:
"Not everyone that plays a game does so from the perspective of one who actually plays a role."
Whoa.
As my friend Nichole says "We're roleplayers, most everyone else are gamers." and this is true. When I play a character I strive to be as true to the character as possible. As a test I've been trying to play through one of the dozen or so remakes of Final Fantasy I and I am hating the game because for the most part there is NO story in the game. The most one can say of the story is that it is an exercise in Chaos Theory in how a dozen or so unrelated events could theoretically lead to the destruction of the world.
To be absolutely frank I am shocked the game series has lasted almost fourteen main incarnations and a dozen or so spin off games just going off of the first game. I'm about halfway through the masochistic exercise of trying to finish that game and plan on finishing it but only by having the emmulator speed set a 10X so I can get the pain over sooner.
Turns out she actually mostly plays male Orc and Blood Elf characters on World of Warcraft. My initial thought was because of wanting to avoid lecherous perverts but it turns out she simply prefers the aesthetics of the male character models.
My mind was blown and I came to a conclusion:
"Not everyone that plays a game does so from the perspective of one who actually plays a role."
Whoa.
As my friend Nichole says "We're roleplayers, most everyone else are gamers." and this is true. When I play a character I strive to be as true to the character as possible. As a test I've been trying to play through one of the dozen or so remakes of Final Fantasy I and I am hating the game because for the most part there is NO story in the game. The most one can say of the story is that it is an exercise in Chaos Theory in how a dozen or so unrelated events could theoretically lead to the destruction of the world.
To be absolutely frank I am shocked the game series has lasted almost fourteen main incarnations and a dozen or so spin off games just going off of the first game. I'm about halfway through the masochistic exercise of trying to finish that game and plan on finishing it but only by having the emmulator speed set a 10X so I can get the pain over sooner.
God I hate pictures that remind me of the seemingly infinite grand nature of my failures.
The tears I'm crying feel pointless just like so much of my inescapable destiny when it comes to destroying lives and hurting people.
I'm damned to wander this world with the impossible scope of having to wonder at the very nature of my soul and what it means to cause pain.
If I wanted to express every layer of my doubt...I would ask if I was already dead and stuck in a purgatory I never believed in. It was bad enough having to return home but then to develop the intense feeling of my insides on fire as being the only heat to warm my soul at night...I wonder at my level of sanity and how long before I might find reprieve.
I'm wandering across this vastless wasteland and I do not understand how people have hope, what they are living for. I have the hope of Christ which is the only thing keeping me from ending my life sooner...how do people walk without God loving them and they knowing they were being held up?
I curse the day of my birth as being one of the manifestation of death and the realization that every human is imperfect and I am the crown jewel of that disgusting fact.
I'm a diseased and rotting bag of flesh that holds a soul.
Christ have mercy and end this farce before anymore innocent people are hurt by Your most beloved bastard son.
The tears I'm crying feel pointless just like so much of my inescapable destiny when it comes to destroying lives and hurting people.
I'm damned to wander this world with the impossible scope of having to wonder at the very nature of my soul and what it means to cause pain.
If I wanted to express every layer of my doubt...I would ask if I was already dead and stuck in a purgatory I never believed in. It was bad enough having to return home but then to develop the intense feeling of my insides on fire as being the only heat to warm my soul at night...I wonder at my level of sanity and how long before I might find reprieve.
I'm wandering across this vastless wasteland and I do not understand how people have hope, what they are living for. I have the hope of Christ which is the only thing keeping me from ending my life sooner...how do people walk without God loving them and they knowing they were being held up?
I curse the day of my birth as being one of the manifestation of death and the realization that every human is imperfect and I am the crown jewel of that disgusting fact.
I'm a diseased and rotting bag of flesh that holds a soul.
Christ have mercy and end this farce before anymore innocent people are hurt by Your most beloved bastard son.
Jesus you have a strange sense of humor.
Distance is confusing...are you just screwing with the numbers right now because I'm so tired and am having trouble thinking?
I'm free for lunch tomorrow if you are, if you aren't too busy it would be good to see You for once and get a hug...I won't take up too much time...I just...need help to be able to give help.
Give me the strength I never had.
Distance is confusing...are you just screwing with the numbers right now because I'm so tired and am having trouble thinking?
I'm free for lunch tomorrow if you are, if you aren't too busy it would be good to see You for once and get a hug...I won't take up too much time...I just...need help to be able to give help.
Give me the strength I never had.
Quote of the Day - Part Two:
"How extraordinarily stupid it is to defend Christianity, how little knowledge of humanity it betrays, how it connives if only unconsciously with offence by making Christianity out to be some miserable object that in the end must be rescued by a defence. It is therefore certain and true that the person who first thought of defending Christianity is de facto a Judas No. 2; he too betrays with a kiss, except his treason is that of stupidity. To defend something is always to discredit it."
-Søren Kierkegaard
-Søren Kierkegaard
Quote of the Day:
"Worldly wisdom thinks that love is a relationship between man and man. Christianity teaches that love is a relationship between: man-God-man, that is, that God is the middle term."
-Søren Kierkegaard
-Søren Kierkegaard
Friday, October 16, 2009
Quote of the Day:
"We know too much, and are convinced of too little. Our literature is a substitute for religion, and so is our religion."
-T. S. Eliot
-T. S. Eliot
Forever in Timed
Uncertainty is seemingly always certain,
regardless of how contrived
that may seem.
Beauty strives in originality
but is always seen in the redeemed
in how everything will be remade.
A good, good day to you
and a fair and beautiful night
as we all drift
as we glide
sliding along
on these fragile wings of hope.
The future is coming along
at a frightening pace
and it's hard to say hello
even at the best of times
because I feel
I'm lacking in grace
and I just want to cry.
The morning is coming
so it's the right time
to just dry your eyes
wiping away ever tear
and just forever
try to forget
just this fear.
Expectations inevitably arise
and fall
and believe as they will.
But to hope is precious
as it is fleeting
and so quick to flee
as we dance across our time.
regardless of how contrived
that may seem.
Beauty strives in originality
but is always seen in the redeemed
in how everything will be remade.
A good, good day to you
and a fair and beautiful night
as we all drift
as we glide
sliding along
on these fragile wings of hope.
The future is coming along
at a frightening pace
and it's hard to say hello
even at the best of times
because I feel
I'm lacking in grace
and I just want to cry.
The morning is coming
so it's the right time
to just dry your eyes
wiping away ever tear
and just forever
try to forget
just this fear.
Expectations inevitably arise
and fall
and believe as they will.
But to hope is precious
as it is fleeting
and so quick to flee
as we dance across our time.
Good morning
A beautiful song for what I deem to be a beautiful day.
Smile, we live today and tomorrow we will be swept up into God's presence...today is a gift and although my hypocrisy runs deep...the beauty of Love outshines our weakness.
Smile for today is but a beginning of so much more.
Smile, we live today and tomorrow we will be swept up into God's presence...today is a gift and although my hypocrisy runs deep...the beauty of Love outshines our weakness.
Smile for today is but a beginning of so much more.
Unspoken Domain
I'm looking, looking for something.
Feeling for something new
hoping for something old.
Knowing I'm going
and when I'm going
I'll be gone
so far gone from here
that I'll never need to hear
or stop to feel
what it meant to be
standing in the shoes
not sure of where I fall
or where this expanse is becoming.
The fact I'm an adult is terrifying.
I was told this was to be mine
and I don't even know
know what that means anymore.
Was I born here for purpose?
Born here for reason?
This isn't the land of my fathers
for that is a place I don't even know of.
I'm hoping to hope
and praying for more
for all this is going to be
is leading to places I've never seen.
I'll follow
but never pretend
or act like I am the one to lead
because
this isn't my story,
it never was
nor could it be
for I was created
and born
made to inhabit
this space and time
and so I shall
until the call Home
and everything
is brought together
in one accord
and onto one knee.
Feeling for something new
hoping for something old.
Knowing I'm going
and when I'm going
I'll be gone
so far gone from here
that I'll never need to hear
or stop to feel
what it meant to be
standing in the shoes
not sure of where I fall
or where this expanse is becoming.
The fact I'm an adult is terrifying.
I was told this was to be mine
and I don't even know
know what that means anymore.
Was I born here for purpose?
Born here for reason?
This isn't the land of my fathers
for that is a place I don't even know of.
I'm hoping to hope
and praying for more
for all this is going to be
is leading to places I've never seen.
I'll follow
but never pretend
or act like I am the one to lead
because
this isn't my story,
it never was
nor could it be
for I was created
and born
made to inhabit
this space and time
and so I shall
until the call Home
and everything
is brought together
in one accord
and onto one knee.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
God I hate being so...sentimental and holding on to everything...I just stumbled across some mementos my grandmother left me after she died...God it hurts so freaking bad.
"Limping through the world
there’s a knowing look or two
is it just the cripples here
who understand the truth?
Why is love so painful
why do we always lose
paving pathways for the lost
the bitter, and recluse?
He said “Love endures all things”
and it hurts to think it’s true
did it nail Him on a cross
did it crucify Him too?"
-Five Iron Frenzy, "Spartan"
"Limping through the world
there’s a knowing look or two
is it just the cripples here
who understand the truth?
Why is love so painful
why do we always lose
paving pathways for the lost
the bitter, and recluse?
He said “Love endures all things”
and it hurts to think it’s true
did it nail Him on a cross
did it crucify Him too?"
-Five Iron Frenzy, "Spartan"
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