I wonder if I'm on to strong of a medication...I was feeling better over the weekend and then this week I started up on the higher dosages of Cymbalta...and I've been having odd side effects...abnormal heat, dizziness, a constant headache, additional nausea, extra insomnia and...having a weird metallic taste in my mouth.
I want to sleep...but I'm driven by...more then just me.
I sometimes wonder how many circles I'm running and why I am running them...that if those watching are entertained or if there is some sort of deeper meaning.
Far too often I invest over thinking thoughts into insignificant things anyway.
I don't even know right now what I was meaning to write about...everything is flooding as fast as it comes...I suppose that is nice for once.
Hi.
Hello.
Hope it is well.
Oh no, help all is well.
Good night and such.
But sleep well.
Goodbye.
Bye.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Grace Amongst Religious Infidelity
I'm afraid that with my rant about the polygamy in the Old Testament I came off as sounding like a jerk...the beauty of Christianity isn't in a legalistic set of rules regarding sexuality...but that despite people making horrible and uncaring mistakes there is a God whose love goes beyond our ability to be good.
The idea behind grace, behind the ministry of Jesus, the reason why God came in human form and lived among us, he lived, died and rose again was because we are unable to save ourselves. From the beginning in Genesis to the prophecies concerning the end times God has been adamant that 'the wages of sin is death' but that ultimately 'the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.' (Romans 6:23)
I mean...in my understanding life is more than a black and white dichotomy. The whole idea of Heaven and Hell is not this work based...good vs. evil scale in your life...the idea is that no human is 'good' that we're all broken and hurt each other and deserve what we get.
But the mind blowing aspect of it is that God doesn't just ditch His creation that chose to rebel, instead He pursues us with a fervent love. The idea isn't that we do a lot of good so we get super shiny metaphorical mansions in the clouds but that we have an actual personal relationship with God.
That personal aspect seems lost amongst the rush for programs and rules...that is what drew me in when I was nine, made me feel compelled to ministry at fourteen and what has pulled me back and made me feel love after all these years of brokenness and confusion. It's love being a guide...being a comfort, pulling me, holding me and guiding me...words cannot give justice to love and that's what I feel...this burning, passion filled desire to know and be known.
And to me that's the love that Jesus has for everyone...and the fact He used such an incredibly dysfunctional family to be the basis for his chosen nation Israel...that would eventually give birth to the Messiah.
God loves and attracts and is attracted to the broken...those with no hope and realize they need help.
(And...House is about to come on so I will finish this later...)
The idea behind grace, behind the ministry of Jesus, the reason why God came in human form and lived among us, he lived, died and rose again was because we are unable to save ourselves. From the beginning in Genesis to the prophecies concerning the end times God has been adamant that 'the wages of sin is death' but that ultimately 'the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.' (Romans 6:23)
I mean...in my understanding life is more than a black and white dichotomy. The whole idea of Heaven and Hell is not this work based...good vs. evil scale in your life...the idea is that no human is 'good' that we're all broken and hurt each other and deserve what we get.
But the mind blowing aspect of it is that God doesn't just ditch His creation that chose to rebel, instead He pursues us with a fervent love. The idea isn't that we do a lot of good so we get super shiny metaphorical mansions in the clouds but that we have an actual personal relationship with God.
That personal aspect seems lost amongst the rush for programs and rules...that is what drew me in when I was nine, made me feel compelled to ministry at fourteen and what has pulled me back and made me feel love after all these years of brokenness and confusion. It's love being a guide...being a comfort, pulling me, holding me and guiding me...words cannot give justice to love and that's what I feel...this burning, passion filled desire to know and be known.
And to me that's the love that Jesus has for everyone...and the fact He used such an incredibly dysfunctional family to be the basis for his chosen nation Israel...that would eventually give birth to the Messiah.
God loves and attracts and is attracted to the broken...those with no hope and realize they need help.
(And...House is about to come on so I will finish this later...)
Speaking of Kanye West...
This shouldn't be half as funny as it is but the problem of being an idiot in the internet age is that there are tens of thousands of people ready to make fun of you via Photoshop at a moment's notice...
http://kanyegate.tumblr.com/
http://kanyegate.tumblr.com/
Biblical Relationship Games
So I am reading Genesis currently...I forgot how much annoying polygamy based marriage drama there is. Anytime I hear about some crazy sect spouting off about how the Bible supports polygamy...I have to wonder if they have actually read the Bible or do they just drink large amounts of mercury and randomly stab at pieces of scripture?
The examples are numerous and all equally aneurysm inducing.
Abraham, Sarah and Hagar (Sarah's handmaid)
Jacob was sane and took only one wife (Rebeeca) but his sons:
-Esau took two Hittite wives that caused endless grief to the family because of their idol worship
-Jacob married two sisters Rachel and Leah. There was drama from the beginning because he only intended to marry Rachel but was dupped into marrying Leah and so begrudgingly he accepted Leah and ignored her. Interestingly enough Leah gave him a series of sons rather quickly and Rachel had none...so she took a page from her grandmother's book and told Jacob to marry and sleep with her handmaid Bilhah so she could have sons that way. And THEN Leah tried to one up her younger sister by getting Jacob to marry HER handmaid Zilpah.
I would need a graph to even attempt to comprehend who bore what son but before all was said and done you had twelve sons who were to eventually be the twelve tribes of Jacob...or better known as Israel (which was what he was renamed when he wrestled the angel and blah, blah, blah).
Flash forward about five hunderedish years give or take and you have King David and his son King Solomon.
David had a few wives and then you had Solomon who had the absurd amount of seven hundered wives and three hundered concubines.
I have trouble fathoming a single marriage...much less all of these connections...well disconnections rather. What does it say about a person that they are so insecure that they must have so many people to give them affection and be an outlet for their sexuality?
Does it say something about our sexuality when people live like that in porn? I don't know how many relationships I've heard about where one or the other is obsessed with pornography and won't even look at, much less touch, their spouse other...and why?
Is it fear of actual love?
Rampant insecurities that demand an insatiable appetite?
I mean...I'm sure sex is great and everything...but the thought of all of those mindless connections...just thinking about it makes me feel so empty and depressed. What is this human condition where we can't even attempt monogamy? Much less for people to not desire it at all?
I don't understand my guy friends who are so obsessed with sex and talk about women as though they were just this flesh playthings that exist for the sole purpose of THEIR physical and sexual gratification.
I don't know...this stuff confuses me and makes me want to throw up.
I have my own desires and sexual impulses...but God, seriously, what is the point of being human, much less a Christian if you can't bite your tongue and at least make an effort of being something better than a dog trying to copulate with anything that moves?
It's not my place to judge and I feel like a jerk for even writing these things...but reading the Bible always throws my mind into overdrive and just...so much of the Bible is confusing...well let me rephrase, so much of people's preconceived notion of the Bible is confusing.
People must not realize how much of this stupid relationship drama is in the Bible because they (read that as ME) acts surprise to see humans do incredibly stupid things.
But...this isn't about my rants or whatever.
I just wish I could see grace in my life in a much more vivid way...not anger, a judgmental attitude or this self righteous crap that only cares about myself. But it is so hard to want to show love when I can point the finger and act as though I have my crap together.
Yes...if I even want that connection...I only want one...but I'm so disorganized, so broken, so needy that even if it fell from Heaven and I knew without a doubt to do...I don't know if I could even act if I could know what to do for sure.
Peace...hope...love.
And a crazy orange cat named Yoda that listens to me rant about this stuff twenty hours a day.
At least he doesn't think I'm too crazy.
Hopefully.
The examples are numerous and all equally aneurysm inducing.
Abraham, Sarah and Hagar (Sarah's handmaid)
Jacob was sane and took only one wife (Rebeeca) but his sons:
-Esau took two Hittite wives that caused endless grief to the family because of their idol worship
-Jacob married two sisters Rachel and Leah. There was drama from the beginning because he only intended to marry Rachel but was dupped into marrying Leah and so begrudgingly he accepted Leah and ignored her. Interestingly enough Leah gave him a series of sons rather quickly and Rachel had none...so she took a page from her grandmother's book and told Jacob to marry and sleep with her handmaid Bilhah so she could have sons that way. And THEN Leah tried to one up her younger sister by getting Jacob to marry HER handmaid Zilpah.
I would need a graph to even attempt to comprehend who bore what son but before all was said and done you had twelve sons who were to eventually be the twelve tribes of Jacob...or better known as Israel (which was what he was renamed when he wrestled the angel and blah, blah, blah).
Flash forward about five hunderedish years give or take and you have King David and his son King Solomon.
David had a few wives and then you had Solomon who had the absurd amount of seven hundered wives and three hundered concubines.
I have trouble fathoming a single marriage...much less all of these connections...well disconnections rather. What does it say about a person that they are so insecure that they must have so many people to give them affection and be an outlet for their sexuality?
Does it say something about our sexuality when people live like that in porn? I don't know how many relationships I've heard about where one or the other is obsessed with pornography and won't even look at, much less touch, their spouse other...and why?
Is it fear of actual love?
Rampant insecurities that demand an insatiable appetite?
I mean...I'm sure sex is great and everything...but the thought of all of those mindless connections...just thinking about it makes me feel so empty and depressed. What is this human condition where we can't even attempt monogamy? Much less for people to not desire it at all?
I don't understand my guy friends who are so obsessed with sex and talk about women as though they were just this flesh playthings that exist for the sole purpose of THEIR physical and sexual gratification.
I don't know...this stuff confuses me and makes me want to throw up.
I have my own desires and sexual impulses...but God, seriously, what is the point of being human, much less a Christian if you can't bite your tongue and at least make an effort of being something better than a dog trying to copulate with anything that moves?
It's not my place to judge and I feel like a jerk for even writing these things...but reading the Bible always throws my mind into overdrive and just...so much of the Bible is confusing...well let me rephrase, so much of people's preconceived notion of the Bible is confusing.
People must not realize how much of this stupid relationship drama is in the Bible because they (read that as ME) acts surprise to see humans do incredibly stupid things.
But...this isn't about my rants or whatever.
I just wish I could see grace in my life in a much more vivid way...not anger, a judgmental attitude or this self righteous crap that only cares about myself. But it is so hard to want to show love when I can point the finger and act as though I have my crap together.
Yes...if I even want that connection...I only want one...but I'm so disorganized, so broken, so needy that even if it fell from Heaven and I knew without a doubt to do...I don't know if I could even act if I could know what to do for sure.
Peace...hope...love.
And a crazy orange cat named Yoda that listens to me rant about this stuff twenty hours a day.
At least he doesn't think I'm too crazy.
Hopefully.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
"blessed are the meek who shall inherit
the throes of death for all their merit
the right to stumble, to fall and perish
doomed are those who hold and cherish
I tried to steal the moon from the sky
you hide behind your broken wings
your dreams are all for better things
and in the dark we climb this slope
cause the bravest thing is always hope
goodbye, goodbye "
the throes of death for all their merit
the right to stumble, to fall and perish
doomed are those who hold and cherish
I tried to steal the moon from the sky
you hide behind your broken wings
your dreams are all for better things
and in the dark we climb this slope
cause the bravest thing is always hope
goodbye, goodbye "
Rain Streaked Glass
Rain...as destructive and deadly as it has been since its inception at the flood...it still possess this unearthly beauty that makes both the sky and life seem so much more beautiful.
Rolling dark gray
and sheets of rain.
Fall down today
and wash away
all this tear streaked pain.
Because hope is eternal
and never can fear
outlast the dawn.
It is this time that is crucial
this reaching to the stars
where I dare to dream
and dare to be brave
in that sometimes
the bravest thing is to hope.
Rolling dark gray
and sheets of rain.
Fall down today
and wash away
all this tear streaked pain.
Because hope is eternal
and never can fear
outlast the dawn.
It is this time that is crucial
this reaching to the stars
where I dare to dream
and dare to be brave
in that sometimes
the bravest thing is to hope.
John 9:1-3
As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth.
And His disciples asked Him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?"
Jesus answered, "It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
And His disciples asked Him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?"
Jesus answered, "It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
A few more Blaise Pascal quotes:
The true nature of man, his true good, true virtue, and true religion cannot be known separately.
Instead of complaining that God has kept himself hidden, you will give him thanks that he has made himself so visible. And you will give him further thanks that he has not revealed himself to the wise people full of pride, unworthy of knowing so holy of a God.
Justice, like finery, is dictated by fashion.
If our condition were truly happy, we should not have to diver ourselves from thinking about it.
We must know ourselves. Even if that did not help in discovering truth, it would at least help in putting order into our life. Nothing is more proper.
Ecclesiastes shows that man without God knows nothing and remains inevitably unhappy. To be unhappy is to want to do something but to be unable to do it. He can want to be happy and certain of some truth; however he can neither know nor want to know. He cannot even doubt.
Pride. More often than not curiosity is merely vanity. We only want to know something in order to talk about it. Otherwise we would not go on a sea voyage to say nothing about it, but simply for the pleasure of seeing things without ever hoping to describe them.
Respect means to go out of your way for others. This is seemingly aimless but it is very true, for it means that I would certainly go out of my way if you needed it, since I do it anyway when you do not. Besides, respect distinguishes the great. If respect required only to be directed at those sitting in armchairs, we would respect everyone, and there would be no distinction made. But, having gone to some trouble, we can make the distinction very easily.
Christianity is strange: it requires human beings to recognize that they are vile and even abominable, and requires them to want to be like God. Without such a counterweight this elevation would make them execrably vain, or this abasement execrably despicable.
Wretchedness provokes despair.
Pride provokes presumption.
The Incarnation shows man the greatness of his wretchedness through the greatness of the remedy which was required.
What a distance there is between knowing God and loving Him.
"If I had seen a miracle," they say, "I would be converted." How can they affirm what they would do about something of which they know nothing? They imagine that this conversion consists in worshiping God, seeing it as some king of transaction or conversation. True conversion consists in self-abasement before the universal being whom we have so often angered and who could legitimately destroy us at any time, in recognizing that we can do nothing without him and that we have deserve nothing from him but our disgrace. It consist in knowing that there is an irreconcilable opposition between God and ourselves, and that without a mediator there can be no transaction.
Miracles exist for the sake of doctrine and not doctrine for miracles.
Miracles and truth are necessary because the whole human being must be convinced, body and soul.
Truth is so darkened nowadays, and lies so established, that unless we love the truth we will never know it.
Weak people are those who know the truth, but who maintain it only as far as it is in their interest to do so. Beyond that, they abandon it.
And his most epic quote:
Wretchedness. The only thing that consoles us for out miseries is distraction, yet that is the greatest of our wretchednesses. Because that is what mainly prevents us from thinking about ourselves and leads us imperceptibly to damnation. Without it we should be bored, and boredom would force us to search for a firmer way out, but distraction entertains us and leads us imperceptibly to death.
Instead of complaining that God has kept himself hidden, you will give him thanks that he has made himself so visible. And you will give him further thanks that he has not revealed himself to the wise people full of pride, unworthy of knowing so holy of a God.
Justice, like finery, is dictated by fashion.
If our condition were truly happy, we should not have to diver ourselves from thinking about it.
We must know ourselves. Even if that did not help in discovering truth, it would at least help in putting order into our life. Nothing is more proper.
Ecclesiastes shows that man without God knows nothing and remains inevitably unhappy. To be unhappy is to want to do something but to be unable to do it. He can want to be happy and certain of some truth; however he can neither know nor want to know. He cannot even doubt.
Pride. More often than not curiosity is merely vanity. We only want to know something in order to talk about it. Otherwise we would not go on a sea voyage to say nothing about it, but simply for the pleasure of seeing things without ever hoping to describe them.
Respect means to go out of your way for others. This is seemingly aimless but it is very true, for it means that I would certainly go out of my way if you needed it, since I do it anyway when you do not. Besides, respect distinguishes the great. If respect required only to be directed at those sitting in armchairs, we would respect everyone, and there would be no distinction made. But, having gone to some trouble, we can make the distinction very easily.
Christianity is strange: it requires human beings to recognize that they are vile and even abominable, and requires them to want to be like God. Without such a counterweight this elevation would make them execrably vain, or this abasement execrably despicable.
Wretchedness provokes despair.
Pride provokes presumption.
The Incarnation shows man the greatness of his wretchedness through the greatness of the remedy which was required.
What a distance there is between knowing God and loving Him.
"If I had seen a miracle," they say, "I would be converted." How can they affirm what they would do about something of which they know nothing? They imagine that this conversion consists in worshiping God, seeing it as some king of transaction or conversation. True conversion consists in self-abasement before the universal being whom we have so often angered and who could legitimately destroy us at any time, in recognizing that we can do nothing without him and that we have deserve nothing from him but our disgrace. It consist in knowing that there is an irreconcilable opposition between God and ourselves, and that without a mediator there can be no transaction.
Miracles exist for the sake of doctrine and not doctrine for miracles.
Miracles and truth are necessary because the whole human being must be convinced, body and soul.
Truth is so darkened nowadays, and lies so established, that unless we love the truth we will never know it.
Weak people are those who know the truth, but who maintain it only as far as it is in their interest to do so. Beyond that, they abandon it.
And his most epic quote:
Wretchedness. The only thing that consoles us for out miseries is distraction, yet that is the greatest of our wretchednesses. Because that is what mainly prevents us from thinking about ourselves and leads us imperceptibly to damnation. Without it we should be bored, and boredom would force us to search for a firmer way out, but distraction entertains us and leads us imperceptibly to death.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Feeling Alive
It's the blood I feel in my veins
as my heart pumps,
the same blood that carried you
and let's me feel the same pain
that defined you.
The balance of being here and there
feeling these manipulations of my heart
that splinter apart in my mind
while daring to hope to redefine
this casting about for a part
It's just me being me
feeling a part of you,
never knowing I was looking
until You found me here.
as my heart pumps,
the same blood that carried you
and let's me feel the same pain
that defined you.
The balance of being here and there
feeling these manipulations of my heart
that splinter apart in my mind
while daring to hope to redefine
this casting about for a part
It's just me being me
feeling a part of you,
never knowing I was looking
until You found me here.
Act
I cannot just act.
There must be justification...reasoning behind the action...the purpose leading to the action that will inevitable lead to a reaction.
There has to be a process.
There is a process.
Without there is no meaning in the behavior and actions.
Action and reaction...cause and effect.
God made...things are...the Lamb loves because He is...there is accountability and an accounting...but it is for freedom and love that Christ died...to free us from sin...not so that we could be slaved to ever changing whims of our broken hearts.
Is it possible to be whole?
To regain thoughts?
To feel again?
It's like a wine...some intoxication that pulls at my heart...I feel this ice around my heart melt and warmth flood into my body...I don't deserve it...I can't comprehend it...but it is something so vivid I want to share...I know I was born to share it.
How...and why...
I don't know...so much...I'm trying to understand...I want to...
I'm afraid I'm pushing things I shouldn't...but you know...I haven't slept in a long time and my brain is getting muddled...I'm still incredibly stressed out over crap from yesterday and I need to rest my mind for a couple of hours.
The world may not end soon...it will end too soon...but hopefully not before I wake up and am able to confront this enigmatic thought once more...and strive to understand Love as is...and find a place to be...to act.
God...just help...please.
There must be justification...reasoning behind the action...the purpose leading to the action that will inevitable lead to a reaction.
There has to be a process.
There is a process.
Without there is no meaning in the behavior and actions.
Action and reaction...cause and effect.
God made...things are...the Lamb loves because He is...there is accountability and an accounting...but it is for freedom and love that Christ died...to free us from sin...not so that we could be slaved to ever changing whims of our broken hearts.
Is it possible to be whole?
To regain thoughts?
To feel again?
It's like a wine...some intoxication that pulls at my heart...I feel this ice around my heart melt and warmth flood into my body...I don't deserve it...I can't comprehend it...but it is something so vivid I want to share...I know I was born to share it.
How...and why...
I don't know...so much...I'm trying to understand...I want to...
I'm afraid I'm pushing things I shouldn't...but you know...I haven't slept in a long time and my brain is getting muddled...I'm still incredibly stressed out over crap from yesterday and I need to rest my mind for a couple of hours.
The world may not end soon...it will end too soon...but hopefully not before I wake up and am able to confront this enigmatic thought once more...and strive to understand Love as is...and find a place to be...to act.
God...just help...please.
"The Lamb" - William Blake
Little Lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Gave thee life, and bid thee feed,
By the stream and o'er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight,
Softest clothing, woolly, bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice,
Making all the vales rejoice?
Little Lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Little Lamb, I'll tell thee,
Little Lamb, I'll tell thee.
He is called by thy name,
For He calls Himself a Lamb.
He is meek, and He is mild;
He became a little child.
I a child, and thou a lamb,
We are called by His name.
Little Lamb, God bless thee!
Little Lamb, God bless thee!
Dost thou know who made thee?
Gave thee life, and bid thee feed,
By the stream and o'er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight,
Softest clothing, woolly, bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice,
Making all the vales rejoice?
Little Lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Little Lamb, I'll tell thee,
Little Lamb, I'll tell thee.
He is called by thy name,
For He calls Himself a Lamb.
He is meek, and He is mild;
He became a little child.
I a child, and thou a lamb,
We are called by His name.
Little Lamb, God bless thee!
Little Lamb, God bless thee!
"Day of Pigs" - Roper
Saturday
I could feet the crowd's dismay
They've acquired quite a fire
to burn the profane on a funeral pyre
Voices shrill
cutting silence like they mean to kill
Some pep rally where we scream His name
like God was loosing in a football game
I don't want to waste His name this time
I will never cast Him to the swine
(Grasping at some feeling you once knew
is nothing sacred ever safe with you?)
Silver tongues
all the spirit of an iron lung
Selling highs as if we needed one
Flash the lights so not be outdone
Counterfeit
wanting joy so much we take a hit
like a tapeworm deep in hunger digs
Waste the sacred just to feed these pigs
I don't want to waste His name this time
I will never cast Him to the swine
(Grasping at some feeling you once knew
is nothing sacred ever safe with you?)
If this is real, then you must find it
between the space of grace and grim
It's nothing you can manufacture
your walls cannot contain Him
"Grace" - U2
Grace, she takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name
Grace, it's the name for a girl
It's also a thought that could change the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything
Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma, karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty in everything
Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flue for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark no longer stings
Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things
Grace finds beauty in everything
Grace finds goodness in everything
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name
Grace, it's the name for a girl
It's also a thought that could change the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything
Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma, karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty in everything
Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flue for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark no longer stings
Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things
Grace finds beauty in everything
Grace finds goodness in everything
It's been a bad feeling afternoon...but...I guess I'm better.
I feel slightly numb from the medication...
Thoughts keep racing...a lot of fear and confusion...I'm praying harder though...if I'm going to go You are going to have to make a way...and I'm only going to get there, wherever there is, by trusting You.
I feel slightly numb from the medication...
Thoughts keep racing...a lot of fear and confusion...I'm praying harder though...if I'm going to go You are going to have to make a way...and I'm only going to get there, wherever there is, by trusting You.
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