It's been a bad feeling afternoon...but...I guess I'm better.

I feel slightly numb from the medication...

Thoughts keep racing...a lot of fear and confusion...I'm praying harder though...if I'm going to go You are going to have to make a way...and I'm only going to get there, wherever there is, by trusting You.

"Sing Me to Sleep" - Showbread

Being wished that I would just go lay in a grave always helps.

"Spartan" - Five Iron Frenzy

Billie Holiday on the radio
my sluggish heart is beating seven beats too slow
another sad song and another shot of blue
cold and unconcerned are anything but new
He said “Love endures all things”
and it hurts to think He’s right
If I mark the span of failure
is his burden just as light?

I am, Spartan
close my heart so tight
Jesus
Save me
from myself tonight

Limping through the world
there’s a knowing look or two
is it just the cripples here
who understand the truth?
Why is love so painful
why do we always lose
paving pathways for the lost
the bitter, and recluse?
He said “Love endures all things”
and it hurts to think it’s true
did it nail Him on a cross
did it crucify Him too?

I am, Spartan
close my heart so tight
Jesus
Save me
from myself tonight

The angels are singing over the plains
the shepherds are quaking, echoing refrains
And all of our slogans designed to take away the pain
meant nothing to the Son of God that night in Bethlehem

I, being possessed up such ridiculous scorn and a mind which remembers countless acts I have perceived as disrespect and hurt, have such a struggle with forgiving and not seeing actions for being what they are...as opposed to what I perceive them as.

I have...I can very easily feel overwhelmed and let things build up...which is what I'm trying to fix. I don't like the feeling of things being against me...and I strive so hard to avoid contact with people who cause my anxiety to sky rocket...and I just...it's just...

The solution is escape, not escapism.

I need Light to see by...Love to feel by and...and...fill in the rest.

Please.

Teach me love...I'm weak because all I feel right now...is a lot of anger and resentment.

Anger.

My hands ache from guitar...it's a nice feeling but it makes it hard to type...haha...wow.

It's...so strange to see mirrors...especially of the...spiritual kind. It has been so long that I almost didn't recognize it when I saw one...hmm...must press deeper into thought and try to understand...

More clarity and honest evaluation...odd but funny thoughts...

Mind so tired...maybe I do need sleep...after all...

"Farewell to Arms" - Five Iron Frenzy

You said, "Down with the church",
with your fists up in the air,
all the rancor and the hate,
yeah we saw your frigid stare.
You hate Christianity, but love your animosity,
it's the church who's getting rotten,
yet it's Christ that you've forgotten.

Goodnight, goodbye, farewell to arms, it's time.
Lay down your hate,
(the burden and) the weight will disappear.
If you could separate your anger,
from that still small voice you hear.

Clench your fists and grit your teeth,
save forgiveness for the weak.
Let your bitterness consume,
let the salt rub in your wounds.
You have saved up all your spite,
stoked the flame that keeps the fight,
it's so hard to be objective,
when your reason is defective.

Goodnight, goodbye, farewell to arms, it's time.
Lay down your hate,
(the burden and) the weight will disappear.
If you could separate your anger,
from that still small voice you hear.

You say that you've aged, I think you're just enraged.

Goodnight, goodbye, farewell to arms, it's time.
Who incited, what ignited, all this hatred?
Say farewell to arms.
Broken hearted, dearly departed,
maybe we should say farewell to arms.

Does anyone else remember a time when Mozilla Firefox was vastly superior to Internet Explorer?

Does anyone else remember when Mozilla did not consist of so much suck?

I miss those days and I'm so sick of Mozilla hogging all of my ram and crashing itself or my computer.

Bah.

If this keeps up I will code my own browser and made it 8-bit themed.

Pleasant.

Aiiiiiiiie!!!

Okay...I feel much better now.

I should perhaps try virtual shouting more often.

So...I didn't say this earlier...

ZOMG EXPLOSIONS OF AWESOME!!!

THE FIVE IRON FRENZY DVD IS FINALLY COMING!!!!

IT'S FIVE YEARS OVERDUE BUT ZXOMGAWESOMESAUCE IT'S COMING!!!


http://www.fifdvd.com/


Ahem.

I'm sure it's going to be delayed for another 3-15 months...but that is fine.

I'm just happy Reese Roper hasn't given up on his rather lunatic prone fans.

I suspect that if there is announcement about Brave Saint Saturn touring the Anti Christ will in fact rise the day the tour was supposed to reach wherever I am living at the time.

Ohhh...goodness.

I can't believe it's coming out...I freaking missed seeing them because of being 17 and not allowed to drive three hours to see them on their final tour...but dangit...I don't care if I have to sell plasma, offer my cat to a pawn shop or find a job taking part in medical trials...I will have this DVD and will weep tears of joy at finally seeing a full live performance of Every New Day.

I remember going to my rather crappy senior prom and leaving after an hour or so and going across the street from the Winfry Hotel and going to some music store...and actually SEEING Five Iron Frenzy's last album that had came out that week...'The End Is Here'...a double album contain their last studio record and their final concert.

If I didn't belong to an online community of fellow dorks I would feel so strange saying these rather unknown bands changed my life...but they did.

And since this is my blog...if you want to be considered my friend still you have to listen to these and like at least half of them.

Sorry that's the rules.

A Few Blaise Pascal Quotes

"We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end. When we think to attach ourselves to any point and to fasten to it, it wavers and leaves us; and if we follow it, it eludes our grasp, slips past us, and vanishes for ever. Nothing stays for us. This is our natural condition and yet most contrary to our inclination; we burn with desire to find solid ground and an ultimate sure foundation whereon to build a tower reaching to the Infinite. But our whole groundwork cracks, and the earth opens to abysses."

"For, in fact, what is man in nature? A Nothing in comparison with the Infinite, an All in comparison with the Nothing, a mean between nothing and everything. Since he is infinitely removed from comprehending the extremes, the end of things and their beginning are hopelessly hidden from him in an impenetrable secret; he is equally incapable of seeing the Nothing from which he was made, and the Infinite in which he is swallowed up."

"We desire truth, and find within ourselves only uncertainty. We seek happiness, and find only misery and death. We cannot but desire truth and happiness, and are incapable of certainty or happiness. This desire is left to us, partly to punish us, partly to make us perceive where from we are fallen."

"The knowledge of God without that of man's misery causes pride. The knowledge of man's misery without that of God causes despair. The knowledge of Jesus Christ constitutes the middle course, because in Him we find both God and our misery."

"Not only do we know God by Jesus Christ alone, but we know ourselves only by Jesus Christ. We know life and death only through Jesus Christ. Apart from Jesus Christ, we do not know what is our life, nor our death, nor God, nor ourselves."

Psalm 40:1-3

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him.

Hmm...irony.

"Verge of a Miracle" - Rich Mullins

Clung to a ball
That was hung in the sky
Hurled into orbit
There You are
Whether you fall down
Or whether you fly
Seems you can never get too far
Someone's waiting to put wings
Upon your flightless heart

You're on the verge of a miracle
Standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle
Just waiting to be believed in
Open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle

Here in your room
Where nobody can see
Voices are loud
But seldom clear
But beneath the confusion
That's running so deep
There is a promise you must hear
The love that seems so far away
Is standing very near

You're on the verge of a miracle
Standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle
Just waiting to be believed in
Open your eyes and see

When you've played out
Your last chance
And your directions
Have all been lost
When the roads that you look down
Are all dead ends
Look up
You could see if you'd just look up

You're on the verge of a miracle
Standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle
Just waiting to be believed in
Open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle

There is a...quote about the past and Satan that I'm trying to recall...regardless living in the past is an addictive poison...it can pass into nothing where it belongs...

It's good to just breath.

Good Morning

A second wind is blowing through me...passing by my thoughts, my ever lacking esteem and you know...it's nice to know I'm not alone.

It may rain, it may be sun filled day...I'm not sure...but the sky is filled with light even at this dark hour...the angels are singing their peace around the throne and...I feel things that I haven't in a while...curiosity, hopeful anticipation...something mixed, something old, something new and many unexpected things flowing through my mind at so late of an hour.

As much as I would like to pinpoint a few things...a theme mayhaps...it's lacking for sure.

I'm not even sure what I am trying to say...I want to sing, I want to dance in freedom...I feel more alive in this exhausted, spent and medicated stupor then I have since I can last remember (which is about two weeks give or take) and...and...what does it mean?

A challenge...some shaping of the soul perhaps...refinement by processing and thinking deeper...analyzing and pulling from my books and trying to understand that which I have avoided...

This is not making sense to me.

I'm not sure about where I wanted to go when I finished Mobile...I mean...I was told where to go but I think I backed out because of fear...and I ended up hear sick...I don't know if it's normal for those with chronic pain...but I haven't even really thought about...being alive in the year 2010...or living to hit twenty-five or thirty or whatever....

I don't know...tell me...does that sound morbid?

I'm ready to start trying to live again...I feel some sort of energy, some sort of...ability to smile even though it hurts to smile...

But it's still good...is this making sense yet?

I don't think it is...but that is okay.

I'm sort of used to being so...scattered...and it's not that I have someone special other than You...I'm trying to impress...I just...wish I could give better meaning, better words, somehow give You what You have deserved for all these years.

I love You.

You knew this before matter was matter, before I had oxygen to breath and before I cried my first time...You knew the scars that I would carry and my odd way of walking...did you plan for me to look so goofy with my hair not being cut? I mean...You love me...don't You?

I feel...intoxicated...with how...vivid You feel...
Who...or what even...I'm speechless.
I cannot begin to give meaning to my words...You know what I've been trying to say while I go on and on...maybe I'll shush before I just loose the meaning all together.




"It won't break my heart to say goodbye..."

Duck and Cover

Mechanics of Derivatives

In these hands I hold this weight,
the burden of your ever lost soul
reluctant I have held through the night
as I watch the growing holes.

Melodrama, now and for sure
reluctant in this blessed allure
but I held the tools
as they stole my heart
turning man into machine.
Flesh bearing out this fool
believing as I am man made art
and making myself forget what has been.

It is blood that shaped my bearing
and blood that hearkened this forgiving
as I look north and stare into the mind
of the one who would steal my heart
perpetuating this horror show maligning
and eating those who respond in kind
but it is You who divide and cleave.
You that spoke this all into being
and the Author of my final reprive.

I'm ready to face the being I am
and bearing this beam
carry wood and stone
and pass through fire and dreams
and feel the endless wind as it is blown
casting me towards this future,
one of hope and rapture.

I'm more awake now...than I may have ever been...so many thoughts about everything...and about nothing...about dreams...living...hope...so much more...

Morning...or so it is called...

A few memories of a dream...

Somewhere/Beyond the rain and autumn plains, the snow/That litters the countryside/I find a piece of you
And somewhere/Beyond the frozen fields, I clearly see/The end of our misery/A part of the place we knew
And slowly down through the fire, burning/Into this darkness I fall/

Your presence right here beside me, yearning/Through it all

dokoka/ame to aki matsu no mukou/inaka no yuki ni/anata mitsukeru
(Somewhere/Beyond the rain and autumn plains, the snow/
That litters the countryside/I find a piece of you)
dokoka/kotta hara no mukou, atashi/mijimesa musabi/shiteta dokoro ni
(And somewhere/Beyond the frozen fields, I clearly see/The end of our misery/A part of the place we knew)

And as the shadow dawns upon us/All I seem to think about is/Where our hope has faded away/Into

kage wo miedashitara/kangaeru dake wa/shioreta nozomi
doko ni...
(And as the shadow dawns upon us/All I seem to think about is/
Where our hope has faded away/Into)

And somewhere/Beyond the hills below the horizon sun/A life that has just begun/A life we’re meant to know
dokoka/ame to aki matsu no mukou/inaka no yuki ni/anata mitsukeru
(Somewhere/Beyond the rain and autumn plains, the snow/That litters the countryside/I find a piece of you)

Moon Light

Sometimes knowing is but half
other times it is
complete within its own self.