It may be the new medication but my understanding is at an all time low.

I feel so...strange...warm and odd.

The White Queen's errant knight has returned from many wondering wanderings.

Exhaustion, pain, confusion and befuddlement.

Aie.

*sigh*

So, so so tired of nightmares...

My job was just made so much easier:

http://www.imageonto.com/full/93a81cz953t765

"But if you can’t close up all the gaps tonight
Put me to bed in your way
You see right through everything I am
For you my insides are displayed
Sing me to sleep my beautiful one
I will love only you for all time
Sing me to sleep my only one
With promises that you are all mine"

Showbread Owes Me Another Set of Headphones

How many more of these things am I going to destroy because of their music?

Seriously.


"After all of this we’ve been dismissed by those who prefer to eat dirt
We’ve been gladly exempt, we are racked with contempt
And we happily wish you this hurt
My skull is on fire with barbs and black spires
My synapses shriek in the flames
Yet we reel with desire though chocked by coarse wire
Loosed by our raging disdain

I’m gone, God help me, I’m done, I’m done
Nothing can stop me, I’m done, I’m done

No fear, no doubt, I’ve bottomed out, I’ve lost myself, I’m letting go
No pride, no me, I’ve set them free, I’ve lost my mind and now I know
No pain, no death, they’re put to rest, we leave them here, we close the door
No earth, no man, now take my hand, cause nothing matters..."

My Problem(s) with Calvinism, systematic theologies, reformed theology and etc. (aka. Theological Vomit Part I)

This video reminds me why I hate theology, why I hate ministry and why I want to burn everything I have ever written and just take a vow of silence until the day I die.

Okay maybe that is a bit dramatic but I lost my patience when it comes to dealing with this stuff years ago.



I don't have anything again people who are Calvinists, who use systematic theology or enjoy reading reformed theology. My problem begins when it seems that that particular interpretation becomes the center of a person's everything.

It's like the notion of a different interpenetration is in and of itself heretical.

Excuse me for being willing to question the potentially flawed thoughts of another flawed human being.

I understand people want to have a neat little package to put Jesus in and then tie it up with bows and stash it on some self to collect dust...but that is such crap. If that is all Jesus is to someone then what is the point?

If this is just for my benefit why am I doing this? Why bother write? Why question? Why try to understand?

If I can show up and have someone hand me a sticker book with all the proper outlines to fill in why even bother think anymore?

I find more spiritual significance in the lyrics of Joe Strummer then I do in the seemingly mindless reiterating circles I seem to find so many 'theologians' in. Is this why music and the visual arts have been suppressed and ridiculed by the church for so many years? Because free thought is 'dangerous'?

Please.

Maybe if someone is so secure in their theological meanderings that they can say that God only loves 'the elect' that they can afford to be a sarcastic ninny with no regard for whom they may be pushing away from God. Sure, if God already knows who is going to save why not? Why not be sarcastic and shut as many doors as possible? The good doctor is right, why stop halfway? Just pick up a sign and go join Westboro baptist church.

If I sound angry it is because I am.

I don't jump at a chance to get behind a pulpit because of how serious I take my Jesus and how people see Him. It's not my responsibility to find people and shove a Bible down their throat, my 'job' is to make friends and love people in the same way Jesus loves me. This isn't a job, it is my life and who I am.

I'm a broken human that is loved and that is all I can and will ever be.

In ministry there is no room for arrogance, for being a self indulgent jerk and there is no excuse for not questioning everything everyday because God made us with brains that we do not use.

I understand Rob Bell enrages a lot of people off and why? The most common complaint I've heard is because he asks questions and doesn't give answers. The message of what Christian people call 'the gospel' is in his books, is it just because he doesn't cater to a certain sect or group think mentality that he is somehow 'bad'?

Loving Jesus should give you more answers than questions. When I tell people that I am in love with God I feel like I sound insane and for good reason! How often have people murdered in the name of God? I don't want to be associated with the crazy fundies who strap bombs to themselves and murder innocent people.

I want to be associated with Jesus who is Love.

That Love should burn, stir and cause a heart to awaken to its original intent.

I cannot speak for everyone but part of that is asking questions about everything. Every fundamental we take for granted. The only things I can know for sure are the ones I have experienced first hand...and that includes this love that has set my heart on fire and makes my bones burn when I do not share. It's sort of what the prophet Jeremiah wrote:

"You pushed me into this, God, and I let you do it.
You were too much for me.
And now I'm a public joke.
They all poke fun at me.
Every time I open my mouth
I'm shouting, "Murder!" or "Rape!"
And all I get for my God-warnings
are insults and contempt.
But if I say, "Forget it!
No more God-Messages from me!"
The words are fire in my belly,
a burning in my bones.
I'm worn out trying to hold it in.
I can't do it any longer!
Then I hear whispering behind my back:
"There goes old 'Danger-Everywhere.' Shut him up! Report him!"
Old friends watch, hoping I'll fall flat on my face:
"One misstep and we'll have him. We'll get rid of him for good!""
-Jeremiah 20:7-10


I don't like disagreeing with people but this has come up so many times over the past few years that I have had to write this before I explode. I don't hate people who are different, I relish the different thoughts and opinions...it's just I have heard this view dogmatically defended so many times that I am only a half step away from having an aneurysm.

Am I being too accepting of the 'bad' people?
Am I just being accommodating of 'sinner's?
I have a wide spectrum of friends with various beliefs, alternative lifestyles, odd tastes in music and ideas of theology that make me blush. What does this mean? What does my own personal inefficient hypocrisy mean?

I ask myself these questions all the time and the only answer I have found that makes sense is that "Jesus loves me/this I know."

I want to spread love, hope and truth. I don't want to be a conduit for something as ugly as so many churches are today; this toxic sludge pouring from a jaded heart that has no concern for anyone.

Is there a middle ground between Jesus and religion?
Love and dogma?
Truth and personal biases?

I don't want to sidetrack or knock anyone off of their path but I just have to speak. How much of this conversation is in fact a conversation? How can perpetuating an endless cycle of never asking 'why' help us? Help any of us? How does this factor into the BIG picture of love and the Kingdom?

I'm not trying to somehow expand my image or about how 'great' I am but about how confused and sick of empty religious exercises I am. Back in school I got so sick of studying theology because it felt like we were being told what truth was instead of trying to understand and live it.

It's the real difference between being told Jesus loves you and seeing that Jesus loves you.

Am I the only one seeing this? Feeling this way?
Am I just jaded and burned out?
So sick of being sick that I am in fact making myself sick?

I know what I have seen and experienced.
I'm just not exactly sure what to do next.
It feels like every time I *know* what to do something else happens.
The one thing I am certain of is that:

"Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incomplete will be canceled."
-1 Corinthians 13:8-10

"Jesus loves the outcasts."

I just signed up as a volunteer to work with xxxchurch at the Atlanta Pride Festival October 31st -November 1st

Here's hoping things may actually work for once...

Romans 5:6-8

Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.

I hate medication and the growing need...the needs...need for it.

More fire...more tired...blue colors.

My Muse

You ask me these questions...you push me...you prod me and you test me.

You remind me of who I am in this dark night and ask me to believe...not in you or in my abilities but in the Love that created me.

You wrote my work for me, you phrased the verses and put the chorus into my heart.
How could I sing apart from thee?
Blossoming thoughts and cherishing life,
and if Lou Reed is asking I'll tell him you said hi.

Ignorance is a cover for truth
and words are not wisdom alone.
Altruisms lace my lips
like a cheap poison,
come what may be in this trip
alike we are chosen to love.

I'm asking for truth from above,
words of solace
to illuminate this soul
to feel love replace
and fill this God shaped hole
and light this dark alcove.

I'm praying for the peace to settle on us,
for you, for me and the rest of these children.
Where will your words come from next?
It always feels like this next moment,
this crushing doubt will be the last.
Unstructured as time
and just as fleeting.

You do know,
do you not?
The thoughts, the hope
and the dependency that has grown.

I'm still a child
but then so are you.
Love teaching us,
Love keeping us,
Love correcting us
and filling us to overflowing.

Good time today...just the pain is keeping me up...again.

Heh...I forgot there was a 'Zelda' street in Montgomery, AL...how freaking epic is that?

To my knowledge that is STILL the only good thing about that city...

I feel like such a volcano of emotion and thought is building...maybe it's confusion...maybe guilt...I just know so much of it is from missing You.

Where did You go?

I freak out at the slightest pain and confusion...so could You please close the distance once again?

I'm tired of sleeping while awake and never knowing when my dreams end and You begin.

Jesus...why am I in so much pain?

Did I do something horrible? If so...just destroy me and be done with it...I'm running out of optimism here. Please be my God, be my Savior, my Love...pull me out of this personal Hell and set me on something I can stand on.

I need You.

Please.

"Deathbed" - Relient K

"I'm Lost/Nothing Matters Anymore" - Showbread

"One Down" - Ben Folds

I forgot how freaking amazing 'Fight Club' is.

I just...don't have the strength right now.

It...hurts.

Would anyone be terrible surprised if I said I was depressed?

Red and Green

I see such vivid layers of frustration.
Why must thing be so?
It's not like this or that
it's just really us.
Or is it me pretending to be you
while I pretend to just be me?

It's not like ever really knew,
knew what we were getting into.
Life started flying
Life started falling
and everything we had
is everything we got.

I wish things could be simple,
that I could just shut up
and be quiet long enough
for You to be happy.
It's like every utterance
just brings us back to this place.
A vivid visual trap
that could close so casually.

Why does it have to feel so shallow?
It's like everything I fought for
was this casual careless parade.
Painted red like the gallows,
there is no open door
and no charming voice to dissuade.
It's just us, us standing here
and wondering what might be next.

I feel it burning in me,
so deep and long.
I can't drink to quench the burning
and it's just another long night.
Everything I open my eyes
I want them shut
just so I don't have to see You.

Night Time Cafe

It's not like I started out the night knowing we would be here.
It's not like I started out my life knowing where I would be.
Any other day we could have met and simply passed,
and yet here with sincere bated breath we wait.

Any other day in my life could have had me walking,
passing the other way not realizing
not feeling how incomplete being me could be.

We don't have enough time for bad metaphors
and me to pander to just me.
Not just another series of notes,
You, it's You I'm trying to write about.
Just forget me enough to write this note
and hope something happens.
That maybe Your door will open
and maybe just maybe everything will be.
Just like it should be.