True Words...

"You don't measure up to the expectation.
When you're unemployed, there's no vacation.
No one cares, no one sympathizes.
You just stay home and play synthesizers."
-Flight of the Conchords, "Inner City Pressure"

I'm having so many scattered thoughts right now...I'm forgetting which way I was walking a moment ago. I'm ready for the pain to end and for some semblance of peace to come.

I don't want to pray right now.

I'm too upset and frustrated. It's like this rut...and the only way I see out is a way paved in angry and violence...it's hard to remember to even breath at times like this.

But hey you know...everything is alright.

Everything is okay.

Nothing is wrong here.

Everything is passing.

You know...I realize now...it's okay to be twenty-three and no longer act like a teenager.

God that is an amazing concept.

Now for the church stuffz...

For Future Reference...

Artist: Ben Folds Five
Song: Army
Album: The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner

(see bottom for chords)

VERSE 1 (see below for guitar interlude played during verse)
G#
Well I thought about the army
D#m
Dad said, "Son you're fucking high"
C# G#
And I thought, yeah there's a first for everything

So I took my old man's advice, three sad semesters
D#m
It was only fifteen grand
C#
spent in bed, I thought about the army
G# C#/F
I dropped out and joined a band instead


CHORUS (piano solo)
D#m A#m G#maj7
D#m A#m G#maj7


VERSE 2 (same as verse 1 except for Fm chord)
Grew a moustache and a mullet
Got a job at chick-fillet
Citing artistic differences
the band broke up in May
Fm
And in June reformed without me
And they got a different name
I nuked another grandma's apple pie
And hung my head in shame, no

CHORUS (listen to song for the arrangement of the chords)
D#m A#m G#maj7
Been thinking a lot today

D#m A#m G#maj7
Been thinking a lot today

BRIDGE
F# C# G#
Oh Oh Think I'll write a screenplay
F# C# G#
Oh Oh Think I'll take you to LA
F# C# Cm
Oh Oh Think I'll get it done yesterday

(The guitar part played during the bridge goes something like this)
e|------------------------|
b|------------------------| (this followed by triplets of each note heading back down)
g|------------------------| (11-11-11-10-10-10-9-9-9….)
d|------------------------|
a|------------------------|
e|-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-|

PIANO SOLO (listen to song for arrangement of chords)
Fm7 Cm Fm7 Cm
A#7 D#7 G# G#maj7
Fm7 C# C#maj7 Fm/C Fm

GUITAR SOLO (played along with G# D#m C# G# chords)
e|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
b|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
g|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
d|---6-------6s10---8-------8s13---11-------11s15---13---11---10---8---6-|
a|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
e|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

HORN INTERLUDE ("")
G# D#m C# G#
G# D#m C# G#

VERSE 3 (same chords as previous verse)
In this time of introspection
On the eve of my election
I say to my reflection
God please spare me more rejection
'Cause my peers, they criticize me
And my ex-wives all despise me
Try to put it all behind me
But my redneck past is nipping at my heels

CHORUS (same as previous chorus)

ENDING
F#maj7
I thought about
A# G#maj7
the army


CHORDS (these are all the chords used in the song. There are a lot but you basically just need G#, D#m and C# for the main parts of the song)


G# 466544
D#m X68876
C# X46664
C#/F X46464
A#m X13321
G#maj7 XX6543
Fm 133111
F# 244322
Cm X35543
Fm7 131111
A#7 X13131
D#7 X68686
C#maj7 XX(11)(10)98
F#maj7 XX4321
A# X13331

Speaking of crazy...my window is open and I'm just hanging out of it singing along to the Ben Fold's song "Army".

It's a good day to go mad!

^_^

I think it's a lovely day to go insane.

Either the scale is broke or I lost ten pounds in three days...crikey!

I'll come out with my diet soon...Total cereal for breakfast...salad for lunch and dinner and 30 minutes of extreme biking while listening to Nine Inch Nails, Saviour Machine, U2, Five Iron Frenzy, Blindside and a few others.

Gee...I CAN be a terrible person with terrible thoughts...

Going a little crazy.

Shaking from holding back and pushing everything back deep inside.

Release.

Breath.

I just want to explode.

I miss classes so freaking much...

Burning Letter Escaping to the Night

God...I just want to be happy but I can't for...certain people.

Is this jealousy?

That people can take vows that I don't understand? Is that what this is all about? Or is it visceral, the physical and sexual?

I mean...I can't even really talk about it to anyone who understands because all these thoughts revolve around people...person...things and thoughts...back in 2005 maybe...something like that.

What the Hell Jesus?

Why am I so self absorbed that I try to hide it as being concern for other people? I don't care most of the time...it's an accident that I help people a lot of the time. And this isn't false humility...this is me just being Matthew.

I'm broken.
I'm tired.
I laugh at random and horrible things.
I wish for hurricanes and huge storms and destruction and get sad when the storms do not disrupt normal life.
I am the creep wanting a zombie apocalypse just so I don't have to worry about renewing my driver's license in three years.

I heard a Voice say 'I love you' and I have believed it.
I'm staking my life on it.
I can't sacrifice my love for my First Love for anything else...because everything is just pale coal in comparison.

The Love burns me and makes me feel again...it reconnects these nerves to my heart I have tried desperately to disconnect. My plot has always been that if I can kill the ability to feel I can kill my need to hear...to obey...but every step I take away I'm buffeted back by this hurricane of love.

This furious and incomprehensible love.

What am I?
Who am I?
Why was I chosen?
Why not someone else?
Why do You even love me?
Why should You even care?

The morning and the coming day are just rushing forward to meet us.

I've lost another musical endeavor and it hurts...hurts like I did when I dropped seminary...when I failed Greek...when I had my heart thrown out the window...when I've broken a girl's heart...when I ate lunch by myself everyday in my dorm room the last two semesters of school because I was terrified of being in the lunch room...I can hear the episodes of Bleach and taste the stale premade Nestea.

I've walked endless lanes around Mobile, in Orr Park...day and night...just seeing faces and water fall...

I'm seeing dinosaur fossils in my mind and the coffee shop...Javs City...how that was such a fundamental social experience from my first days of school to the last months.

None of this matters because the people there will never see this and if they do they will never realize it is about them...I miss the friendships...I miss knowing Jesus was going to do something special...I don't want to move forward...I want the past because I can live there...sad and numb to life.

I'm running...not to stand still but to escape...and nothing sill.

Nothing.

The rawness.

How can I reconcile all of these images?


Muse!

Mistress of the night and written word...SPEAK TO ME!

How might I reconcile all of these Matthews, all of these different views into one? How do I bring one split back to being one? How do I rectify all this damage before it is too late?

Breath into me.
Kiss me with your sweet Spirit and give me energy, help me to reclaim what it means to even be human.

I'm working this out...thinking about how it is and will be.
Letting the words burn through the air...just as...

Breathing.
Day light into night.

I seem to recall a time when life was much more simple and love flowed free...was it all just a lie? A fool's paradise that never was?

Random Food for Thought...

"The Hand That Feeds" - Nine Inch Nails

You're keeping in step
In the line
Got your chin held high and you feel just fine
Cause you do
What you're told
But inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold

Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?

What if this whole crusade's
A charade
And behind it all there's a price to be paid
For the blood
On which we dine
Justified in the name of the holy and the divine

Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?

So naive
I keep holding on to what I want to believe
I can see
But I keep holding on and on and on and on

"I Think I'm Going To See You" - Showbread

"In this time of introspection
on the eve of my election
I say to my reflection
God, please spare me more rejection
'cause my peers, they criticize me
and my ex-wives all despise me
try to put it all behind me
but my redneck past is nipping at my heels"
-Ben Folds Five, "Army",

Aiiiarrrgh!!!

I just missed Showbread.

They played forty five minutes from my house.

It was an early evening concert.

It was tonight.

Ten dollars.

God what are you doing to me?

1 Corinthians 4:1-15

Don't imagine us leaders to be something we aren't. We are servants of Christ, not his masters. We are guides into God's most sublime secrets, not security guards posted to protect them. The requirements for a good guide are reliability and accurate knowledge. It matters very little to me what you think of me, even less where I rank in popular opinion. I don't even rank myself. Comparisons in these matters are pointless. I'm not aware of anything that would disqualify me from being a good guide for you, but that doesn't mean much. The Master makes that judgment.

So don't get ahead of the Master and jump to conclusions with your judgments before all the evidence is in. When he comes, he will bring out in the open and place in evidence all kinds of things we never even dreamed of—inner motives and purposes and prayers. Only then will any one of us get to hear the "Well done!" of God.

All I'm doing right now, friends, is showing how these things pertain to Apollos and me so that you will learn restraint and not rush into making judgments without knowing all the facts. It's important to look at things from God's point of view. I would rather not see you inflating or deflating reputations based on mere hearsay.

For who do you know that really knows you, knows your heart? And even if they did, is there anything they would discover in you that you could take credit for? Isn't everything you have and everything you are sheer gifts from God? So what's the point of all this comparing and competing? You already have all you need. You already have more access to God than you can handle. Without bringing either Apollos or me into it, you're sitting on top of the world—at least God's world—and we're right there, sitting alongside you!

It seems to me that God has put us who bear his Message on stage in a theater in which no one wants to buy a ticket. We're something everyone stands around and stares at, like an accident in the street. We're the Messiah's misfits. You might be sure of yourselves, but we live in the midst of frailties and uncertainties. You might be well-thought-of by others, but we're mostly kicked around. Much of the time we don't have enough to eat, we wear patched and threadbare clothes, we get doors slammed in our faces, and we pick up odd jobs anywhere we can to eke out a living. When they call us names, we say, "God bless you." When they spread rumors about us, we put in a good word for them. We're treated like garbage, potato peelings from the culture's kitchen. And it's not getting any better.

I'm not writing all this as a neighborhood scold just to make you feel rotten. I'm writing as a father to you, my children. I love you and want you to grow up well, not spoiled. There are a lot of people around who can't wait to tell you what you've done wrong, but there aren't many fathers willing to take the time and effort to help you grow up. It was as Jesus helped me proclaim God's Message to you that I became your father. I'm not, you know, asking you to do anything I'm not already doing myself.

Speaking of Garbage

What is this faith of mine?
What is it I truly believe?

I've been on this Jesus kick since I was nine years old and I've been playing at being Bono since age fourteen.

What is this faith?

Is it because of this deep set empathy I have, seeing people hurting and feel that hurt in my soul, that causes me to fall on broken knees crying?

Is it for faith that I cut myself with words of criticism and bitter hate?
Is it for faith that I disgrace myself day in and out being reluctant to choose or decide?
Is it for faith that I have forgotten the Face of my Father?

Is it for love that I curse and spite those who disagree with me?
Is it for the sake of hope that I bring myself low just so I can open my eyes to see people stare at me?

Has this been a farce?
Has this all been an obscene parade with the focus on myself?


"We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. We have become the scum of the earth, the garbage of the world—right up to this moment."
-1 Corinthians 4:12

"On Distant Shores" - Five Iron Frenzy

I can bike a half hour and cause my lungs to burn and my body to ache...my heart to burn and my eyes to cry...but it cannot silence my mind nor my soul...nothing silences their pestilence bickering.

Words in the darkness...crying out you are never alone.

Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.

The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep pilling
Up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountain is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace.

Dear God...

Increase.

Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Your's,
Only You can make every new day seem so new.

Hallelujah.

My fears?

The kind revolving around being alone for too long...

My tongue is tired from being tied.
God I don't know what to say
or how to say it.

If you have any magical Muse powder left...could you sprinkle some?

It's starting to feel like a "Shaun of the Dead" kind of day...