Fleeting Thoughts

I want them to see
what I myself am afraid to see,
the fear of my soul
and my heart missing beats.
The joy bursting out of my soul
at the merest brush of your thought.
Everything I've thought I am is nothing
compared to you.

Every waking moment
of every stolen dream
is just a reminder
of the chasm between you and I.
Grace never seemed enough
and forgiveness seemed fake.
But in this night time of the day,
the darker moments of me being lost
You still will have me,
will love me and carry me.
Take this broken heart
and save me from myself.

Even at the darkest moment of my hate,
my hate at this world
but mostly at myself.
Thank you for loving me enough
to let me live
and to do what I have.
This sick body may not have much,
but whatever it is we can be together
from now until the end of eternity.

"Mercenary" - Brave Saint Saturn

I was the future in 1995
I watched the flashbulbs burst whenever I’d arrive
I’d tape my knuckles up, cinched and tight for the ring
Just beneath the gloves, clenching white for the swing
I was a sellout before a sellout crowd
I threw the fight in my head, before the fat lady bowed
You want a tip-off, some good advice for the brawl?
Just wear a mouth-guard, to keep your teeth when you fall
And when you quit
Make sure that you can wash your hands of it

Armed to the teeth, score one for treachery
I am a mercenary
There’s more lies here than we can all bury
I am a mercenary

I’ve seen the headlines swarming thick with flies
I’ve seen the Billboard charts, I’ve heard them spitting lies
Here’s to your lame award, your phony Nobel Prize
Here’s to the suckers lining up to see us compromise
Let’s light a campfire, we’ll have a singalong
I’ll burn some bridges, you’ll bring the crappy songs
And when you quit
Make sure that you can wash your hands of it

Armed to the teeth, score one for treachery
I am a mercenary
There’s more lies here than we can all bury
I am a mercenary

There’s a part of me I’ve compromised
Buried somewhere under ghosts of lies
Make it quick, make it sick
Turn the crank and just play the greatest hits
Sigh
There’s a part of me that I despise
Pull the curtain back and see what dies
Emerald spires of the near profound
Let’s burn this lousy city down

Armed to the teeth, score one for treachery
I am a mercenary
There’s more lies here than we can all bury
I am a mercenary

Cold Night Awashed in Light

The land is dark this night
even with such a moon as this,
it being closer to the Earth
than you are to me,
despite being so few inches away.
Separation by the breadth of our minds
and as wide as our souls.
Each step forward is just another dance back
and it is so very cold tonight.

Every breath we take is in pain
and every word we make is a curse
directed at the moon.
Things are never as they really seem
and things may never be
as they try to be
but here we are,
just tonight
among the lilies
and the thorns.
Bathed in moonlight
and washed in a still breeze,
but it's not as cold
as the movement of our souls
but nowhere as cold as this night.

How can I form the words in my heart,
in my mind and soul?
How can I introduce this common theme again?
When sometimes it feels distance
is the only thing sane?
The only thing real?
What is this?
These jumbled thoughts
attempting to assemble themselves
into something more.
On this blank canvas
that was just covered in blood
and my lost regrets.
It is cold.
So very cold.
Colder than this night.

The moon tries to shine into the pool,
to brighten this water
but the light rays
cannot hope
to pierce the bleakness
and show what lies underneath.
It just becomes the mirror I hold
so you can see me.
See who you want me to be,
see what I need to be
see what this is
letting you see just
what it is you want.
Nothing more and nothing real.
Just this cold night
barely lit in blueish light
and the cold piercing the heart.

These words mean nothing more than they do,
only what you give them.
Nothing more or less.
Write them off,
please.
It would be the best thing you can do
on this bitter cold night,
the best for either of us.
Just pretend nothing was said
and that the best thing possible
was just for us to enjoy the moon
and the light reflected on still glass
and the bitter cold in our souls.
The pain we just can't be rid of
and this life we are lost on.
It's cold
but then that is the way of the night.
Bitter, alone and buffeted by time.
Making this circular hole.

"Hallelujah" - Leonard Cohen

"And Death Shall Have No Dominion" -Dylan Thomas

And death shall have no dominion.
Dead mean naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion.

Air, Light and Life

It's like the dawn of a new day,
just getting this breath of air.
This release of toxic burnt carbon
just flitting invisible into the air.

The clock is unwinding more and more
and the best we can do is try
just to breath.
To love, to laugh, to cry
and refuse to give in
and simply die.

Every breath of air is an act of defiance
a rebellion to this world out of synchrony
with its original blueprint.
Every exhale is the reply of a dying body
just fighting for the will to survive.

It's more than this.
It can't end just like this.
It has to be more,
has to be real
has to be the realization of self
as being the answer
just as much as the problem.
A cancer of soul
being burned by pure light.

"Moment of Surrender" - U2

I tied myself with wire
To let the horses run free
Playing with the fire
Till the fire played with me

The stone was semi-precious
We were barely conscious
Two souls too smart to be
In the realm of certainty
Even on our wedding day

We set ourselves on fire
Oh God, do not deny her
It’s not if I believe in love
But if love believes in me
Oh, believe in me

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I’ve been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body’s now a begging bowl
That’s begging to get back
Begging to get back to my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control

I was punching in the numbers
At the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down ’til the pain will stop

At the moment of surrender
Of vision of over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

youtube makes my soul sad

It's such a long night and long day.
So many painful thoughts that just cannot make sense.
But there is good in and among the bad.

Just so tired.

Even with the good.

It feels like my physical weaknesses coupled with mental fatigue and my weakness just fucks everything up beyond belief.

God, I just hate myself sometimes.

I know it's not as bad as it feels...but it feels like the only decision I can make at the moment is going to upset someone...and I can't help but care about that because of how much it hurts to feel pain...others...and I just...can't process this just right now. I just want to make the right decision for once and make the pain stop.

Just a thought...

I like to think of myself as being a realist with strong cynical leanings but with a touch of romanticism to make things a bit more interesting.

Moment

Loss of control like that...is quite unacceptable.
I may not be worth all that much but there is that need of control.

I'm not sure.

I want to be however.

But the cloud cover is coming yet again.

Why?

Persistence in confusion.

More than words, more than exsistance, more than self, I need You...to just believe in me, to help me to fly from this Hell, to find rest in Your arms, oh Lord, please.

Please.

Ghosts in the System

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System restart.

Reboot.

Renew.

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Word Play Minus the Play

I have such a ridiculous amount of rage right now. Sometimes I have no clue what is going on up there. Why do such subtle and small things cause me to simply almost explode with rage and violence?

I hate being here, living here. There are no words in the English language that can just convey the amount of disgust I have for my egotistical and narcissistical bastard self right now.

I want to rage and rant about being told to do things, being treated like a child...how infuriating it is to not have my pain taken seriously.

It feels like a bad joke being taken too seriously.

A little compassion or empathy to ask?

Not just for myself but for people who actually need it.



There are just parts of my mind and soul that are beyond definition, beyond phrases, beyond comprehension. Beyond the loose definitions of anything around here, beyond the misconceptions and derisive laughter.

I'm just sick of it all and want it to be ripped away. I want the curtains separating the physical with the metaphysical ripped down and torn into shreds. I want to see the existential dread and look it in whatever passes for eyes. I want to take the fear in my hands and unleash visceral hatred and feel the pain of busted knuckles and broken bones and taste the dying blood of something that has been a part of me before I even knew of me.

It's exhausting running in pointless circles, being tripped up on useless medication that does nothing but make me question the point of my next breath. I don't hate the beast I am underneath my wool, I love it too much and do not know how to let go and be responsible with reality.

I'm sick of having to develop excuses for every breath I take, to feel I have to justify every last bite of food I take. I'm fucking tired of having to look in the mirror at you and give excuses for why I'm still sitting in this rotting house with the vain hope that it is going to collapse in on me and snuff out this inexcusable life of mine.

I love to talk about love but am loath to give it.
I am all about embracing this hate, this anger, this lust of desire and letting it run its course until I'm embittered and angry about being angry.

I can keep running these circles or violently end it while I can still choose to choose because choice is the only choice for this imprisoned.

But this, this lethargy, this cancer eating my soul...I'm sick, sick of it.

I'm so tired of pain and nausea and hurting with no purpose or reason other than I simply am.

That is not enough and never will be.

So As

My mind is much too fried for poetic expression.
I'm so tired, oh so worn down.
When was the last time I could breath?
I'm not even sure about direction
or where it was I was heading.

The only thing to cause this much pain
can be love.
The only thing to bring as much pain
is the memories of hope.

I can't imagine time with you
any more than I can imagine me.
Or reimagine things
as they could
and should be.

Imaginative really.
Trying to make thoughts rhyme,
making them fall in line.
Peace, hope and love
just fair thoughts really
victims of apathy.

Close

ειρήνη

ελπίδα

αγάπη

Eh, close enough...

Je déteste l'utilisation de l'internet pour essayer de traduire, mais il est beaucoup plus facile que le simple usage de l'anglais quand il se sent comme je le dis, chaque mot est pris trop au sérieux et que je ne peux plus être moi-même dans ce domaine que j'ai utilisé pour appeler les miens.

Mais Dieu, est-ce que je vous manquez.

Qui est à mes propres faiblesses.

Une partie de cette prison ainsi.

Votre beauté me laisse à perte pour les mots, ces mots fragiles ne commencent pas à vous montrer mon amour ou de mes soins, tout mon corps finis et les brisures de soi.

Tu me manques.

Stress has been building up and unless I take a huge breath and a step back away from this mess...I dare say I will snap again.

It's nice to see snow for once.

Such Eyes as These

Not being able to express
the inexpressible
is beginning to take its toll.
Images flood the screen
and all they do is remind,
remind of the empty
and the shallow graves
that awaits all invalid thought.

It is a binding
a chain around the heart
that chokes with every moment
of the passing day.
All screams and smiles
are just choked
and held in place
in ways you will never know,
unless you know what I know now.
I pray you stay ignorant
just so you can breath.

Even if things could be
this slice of perfection,
then what?
I'm afraid the perfection
would be tainted by my breath
or we would realize
how much we aren't,
our disdain for one another
and that the dream
was a nightmare we now run from.

It's a fear
and a chance.
But it could be more,
so much more.
Past the impossible.

But God,
dear God the pain.
My own hypocritical hyperbole.
God forgive me.
Please.
Don't fall away
but draw near.
Keep me in the night
and take me when I break.
Hold me like only you can
and only you will,
even at my worst.

On Circles of Time...

I keep typing out these words
attempting to explain what they meet
forgetting the point is moot
because you already know.

You've seen the story of my heart
and the ways of my life,
seen these stones rolled away
and seen hearts bleed out love in their ways.

There could never be enough words,
never be enough ways
and never enough time
to just give you everything
that you deserve.
Give you all the words
to explain your finite beauty
which burns from the infinite gift
you have been given
which I can see,
just with one look in your eyes.

Thankfully time isn't just this one way line,
a symmetrical system we can grasp.
If eternity is infinity
then we can be complete, be one
even if that doesn't mean the present time.
Or tomorrow.
But it does mean now and forever.

Just in Hope

If it happens to snow tonight,
just like the news man says
I can always hope it falls heavy and new.
Fall upon this dark heart
with its light dusting
falling from the heavens above.
Falling to make things new.
One can always hope when it melts,
when the temperature of my heart
heats it beyond its points of life
that the water it makes will melt
and fill in the crevices within.

Sometimes just reading someone's story is enough to remind you of the communality we share...and in my case makes me cry.

This is one those times.

I could stand to be a bit less overemotional...

*Sigh*

It Only Comes Out At Night

My soul doesn't sleep at night.
All the darkness does is serve to remind
how alone and afraid the night can be.
A reminder of how my soul,
how it can only have this one real connection
and that anything else is just finite.

There is the absence of light
this fear of all the burning it brings
and the pain it reveals.
All of the ugly scars and the truth
that can no longer hide from me.
All reveled in an instant to the world
all the secrets worked so hard to conceal.

The night hides everything I never wanted
and is given to me in dreams.
Dreams of Hell fire and
of deepest wasters of darkness.
Reminders of the finite little boy here,
that he cannot survive nature
much less his own fears.

It's this night that acts as a cancer
eating at my soul.
Showing every little fault line
and every moment that has cut my heart,
pressing deep on the wounds
making me unable to breath.

It is this night that dares to taunt me
and dares to remind me of my loss.
How this chasm has grown deeper by day
and wider by night.

To live is to hurt.
Memories are bitter sweet
but sometimes so bitter
that I do not know if I was better with them
or without them at the time,
much less now
when all the final nail needs
is just a simple breeze.

Love is not finite.
It has no compromises.
Just that which is imposed on it
to please those it needs.
So that it is not forever alone.
Love mends, builds and restores.
Just as easy as it kills on a whim.
Passionate insanity,
a delusion based in the soul
and carried out by a diseased mind and body.

But it is this coming night I fear.
The night when I awake to find the day has fled
and all is now hidden by night eternal.
That you are nowhere to be found
and I weep alone,
held in place by the nights cover.
Keeping me sanitized
from the offensive perturbation
and protrusion
of love into this night
hiding my soul so sweetly
and with the utmost kindness
found only in the night's dark charity.

Lovely Talk Tonight

I'm sitting here wishing
I had some good news to give.
I'm sitting here and hearing
just every word in every phrase
of everything I never wanted you to say,
to feel the quiver of your lips
moving in slow ways
with resounding doubt.
But better this time than last.

I wanted to say it's alright
or that I'm sorry.
Sorry for crimes I haven't committed yet,
just some words to get your mind
moving elsewhere,
to give them form here.
On an adventure to see,
just so you see how beautiful you are.

It feels too trite to say,
too disarrayed to know
too broken to feel
too many ways
to not know how to say
just how little love
just how much pain
just how insufficient
I am,
and how the future should be more.
So much brighter than what I can offer to say,
offer to do for it.

Out of sync rhymes hoping to make sense
over the snaps and cracks
of a world falling out of place
and it landing in your backyard.
Given the choice none of us would have asked for it
but we get the gifts
of universal fear, doubt and understanding
and grace just
and only just as we need it.

I want to be the one who doesn't care
about the thoughts of others
but it means neglecting
even betraying a part of me
that I just cannot let go of.

It's like I cannot help but look at this mirror
and see what is behind me.
The background is my foreground
as much as I'm your foe.
This odd and needed reversal.

I can't help but want to see some real transformation
to see this fake part of town on fire
seeing everything burned down
and made new.
Renewed with the pain of burning
and being made beautiful again.
To see the location
of your soul
be found again.
Smiles of sunlight
on these blades of grass.
They need you so they won't wither.
Without you there is no life,
no life for the place you are given.

It's not like we're living for today
anymore then it was yesterday
or the year before.
It's not like we're running out of time
just the minutes of every day.

It's not like it's new
we've been through this every day of our life,
every moment before we knew of the other
as if somehow,
we always had this intristic connection
that was made before time began.
That love which shaped creation with words
making us to be who we are before we knew.
Before we knew the potential of life
or the Hell is becomes.
Before we could scarcely hope to believe in hope
or that we can find each other.
The need to know we are both here and there
even when there is nothing in between.
That the longing felt can be made whole,
that the two halves torn apart will be restored.

That there is love to be had,
hope to be found,
love to restore
and hope to heal.

That these thoughts,
these wild whispers of untamed hope
might find life in your breath.
That they may be brought back to life
and set the fire in your heart
so you aren't afraid to ask,
ask the hard questions when all you want is
all that you are never seeing.

There are never words enough to offer,
prayers cried
or screamed into heaven.
There will never be enough verbal expression
or words being written
that can give justice to emotion
and its merest of consequences.

We can talk about sleep
but what about when it never comes?
Like the pause before dawn
except this is looking into an abyss
of self established failure.

But it is more,
more than you
and thankfully more than me.
It's behind you
and inside you.
Waiting to catch flame
and burn ever bright.
Love on its way down to the top.