Bloody Notes

I think one of the main reasons I am so frustrated with so many Christians apathy, selfishness, moral failings and in general their existence is because of how much of myself I see in them, the trappings of humanity I mean.

It is not easy to fail to live up to expectations, especially when those expectations are yours and you typically are an irrational beast focused on himself.

I wish I could be like the others, uncaring and blind in their intoxicating drugs and hedonism.

I may be in miserable pain both with my spirit and body but I know.

I know.

I have seen things no other human has nor would they believe. I have lived a short but explosive life, going places I never intended to either.

It honestly feels like I am at the very end of something. It could be my life in Jemison, my barely functioning trust in Him above or it might be the end of my trappings here on earth.

I wish I could just drink myself into a stupor, just let go and have hedonistic sex with as many women as I could, I wish I could take every possible drug to dull the ache inside my chest that travels through my stomach and to the very reaches of my soul.

My life would be so much easier from a philopshy point of view, a greater number of superficial people would like me more and want me around.

None of it would matter in the long run, it would all be equably pointless as a think and as a treat most people as being.

I seem as being lepers who might possible infect me if I bother to foster any sort of relationship with them. I see them as meaningless scum, the dried out refuse of a world that sees them as being. Worthless, pretentious, lying and theiving bastards, ever last one of them.

As if it was some sort of sick joke I hold myself up as being better than all of them. It is as if I can lie to myself long enough and even I might be tempted to believe it. But, I can't even full the most gullible person, myself.

So much hate. So much extreme emotion and desire I do not understand. I have all of these impulses of seething rage, desperate lust for superficial intimacy, all of these stupid chemical reactions in my head that make less sense than they might have before.

Who am I?
Who are you?
Why, why any of this?

You are the only one that makes sense,
can we just go away,
both You and I?
Run free across these dying wastelands
and find ourselves alone.
Deeply running connections that none understand
but you and I.

This unbreakable heart longs to be held,
understood and shattered.
The desire to be bent and broken is strong,
the desire to die that I might live again.
No matter how much I desire You in love
I hate you back with equal spite.

These contradictions en mass,
Resulting in delayed connections.
I can play this game but I will loose.
I can't stand who I am
anymore than maybe you.

I need a helping hand,
to be held and brought deeper and closer,
this isn't making anymore sense than before.

I could use some disgusting waste,
some indulging lies and forgotten purpose.
Being broke and shattered across this pretty lie,
knowing the look of disgust in your eyes is justified
just because I gave in and indulged.
Your petty lies just make me sick sister,
I just hope you are hurting like me.
The burning desires in my heart manage to touch yours
and leave unforgettable scars that you will never
live down in this life or the next.

It is just this music playing in my ears,
the deep resonating pain inside me.
I hate all I ever held dear,
nothing is worth this, nothing is worth this.
Worthless like so much fool's gold.
Worthless in your sugar coated lies
and false promises.
Worthless because you never knew how
you were such a fool.

All that is remaining after this fire is me.
You can die and be set to rest
in this gold lined coffin,
I have far to much pain left to feel and give.
Gifts too gleeful not to share.

A wicked smile behind serrated teeth,
free flowing masses of blood as I bathe in it.
Soaking up every last desire of my heart
so i can smile at you in pain,
knowing that I KNOW you know my hate.
The inescapable disgust that you are weaker
and I fail because I choose to.

The verdict is in:
I never had enough love to love you.
But why would I stop while I'm on a roll?
Learning to hate you is just too much fun.

Several Rather Awesome Albums

"Acthung Baby", "Zooropa", "Pop" - U2

"Supernatural" - dc Talk

"Five Iron Frenzy 2: Electric Boogaloo" - Five Iron Frenzy

"The Light of All Things Hoped For" - Brave Saint Saturn

"Somewhere in the Inbetween" - Streetlight Manifesto

"The Great Depression" - Blindside

"Songs in the Key of Life" - Stevie Wonder

"Discovery" - Daft Punk

"London Calling" - The Clash

"At Folsom Prison" - Johnny Cash

"Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness" - The Smashing Pumpkins

"No Sir, Nihilism is Not Practical" - Showbread

"The Triptych" - Demon Hunter

These words haunt deeply.

It isn't like I chose this path, it chose to be me.

Words intermingle on this woven path.

It is much easier to die then to live.

It is easier to die for a noble cause then it is to live for one, to see things until the end and to help shape a future for all.

Mirror Images

I'm nothing more than a child,
pretending to be a man.
There is nothing within me
but a childish mind.
Regardless of my false impact
I'm just as hollow
if not more so then these religious tracts.
I speak of being free and being Yours,
but in reality I am nothing less
then the grand total
of a vast improbability
and impossibility,
the sum culmination
standing naked before your eyes.

I can play at being something else,
but you will always see past my image
and see the traitor under the skin.
Every breath I take
and ever lie I hold
You look past and see the real me.

Despite my honest depravity
You have loved me as I am.

Images can play back off of this mirror
but you see what no one else wants to.
You feel the pain in ways
that terrify others.
Because of your love, we hate you.
We bring about your death because
we are terrified of being found worthy,
being understood,
being anything less then what we want.
If it wasn't for the fact we desired it,
we think we would have nothing.
We demand justice and a sign
when all we are doing is standing in your hands.
Broken trusts with shattered lies,
mixed with the tears burning your eyes,
we hate you for showing weakness,
for daring to love us when we first hated you.

I'm so tired inside.

It's good to know I'm alive.

I guess.

I just don't know where I am going right now or what I'm going to see or do or feel.

God, I'm just...there is frustration and such.

I love you up there but still, just.

It is frustrating.

I can't stand who you are.
If I stopped long enough to consider,
even think about the complications
that arise from your life
then I might be nicer.
But I am not.
Just a fiend,
judging
and holding myself
to be much higher,
beyond perfection
and much more than
you could be aware of.

There is so much I just miss and so much pain right now.

Words Lost In Thoughts

The words floating in this air between us lost their meaning hours ago.
I'm too tired to care enough to lie to you.
If it was still all about you I would just let you be
but my soul is tired from bleeding.

Anemic and empty it just wants to sleep.
Fall into Your arms and find rest.

Sometimes it helps for people to be honest.
Let the bad air be let out,
the honest truth happy endings are on movies.
Celluloid lullabies we whisper,
clutching to whatever idols we built.
It's not a sin to be optimistic
but false hope is a worse despair when it is ripped
and torn from your bleeding hands.

Being slave to the addiction of life,
the fragrance of sin
and the biting taste of its liquor.
This drug setting my veins on fire,
burning inside my soul as I beg to scream
through this bound lips.

Trite as this all may sound it is my life,
not yours and nothing I asked for.
Something more then what the dead have.
It's all I got and it shouldn't be wasted.

Radiohead - Creep

Cell phone text messaging is honestly one of the most obnoxious and among the stupidest modern inventions of man. That alone would be enough to cause me to wish for any earlier apocalypse but the only thing worse than this annoying technology are those who insist on partaking in it and will not be silent about it.

If I had to choose between a nuclear apocalypse or dealing with someone text messaging me you had better believe I would take the nuclear apocalypse, hands down.

At least that way the freaking cell towers will be down.

I am simply just everyone's fool.
I can smile and I can dance,
I can writing and wax poetically
and I can wear a smile.

That is enough to make them happy
but few look to see inside me.
That I do not enjoy the games and tire of the wasted life.

If you would dare to venture forth from thy house
and take a look dear lady
then you might see something different.
A horror show of ultra violence,
a shocking sight of human depravity.
You speak of experience but you fool only yourself.

If nothing else you almost make me laugh.
How pitiful, how sad.
God help you because I sure as Hell won't.

NANOWRIMO IS COMING!!!

NANOWRIMO IS COMING!!!

NANOWRIMO IS COMING!!!

NANOWRIMO IS COMING!!!

NANOWRIMO IS COMING!!!

NANOWRIMO IS COMING!!!

Winter Rains

It is safe to assume you will hear as long as you stand to listen.
We have this platform, you and I, on which we share life.
The days are born, christen with rain and die in shades of red.
The bridegroom chasing his wife,
waxing needlessly eloquent poetry over a mere function of the sky.
The first of many gifts we take for granted.

We laugh together, you and I, in this place.
The skies are gray and forebode violence.
Their chill is matched on in the vapid violence within.
Attentions can be held only for a moment,
the moment before the fallen and grounded rise to meet the heavens.

Inhibitions fall short at the reflection and marvels of the inside.
Everything we take for granted is summed up into this neat package,
real only in the metaphysical and in our delusional pinnings.

We are real in each others eyes only as long as we can see.
When we pass beyond vision and earthly perceptions
please remember me,
for the good and not the bad.
Remember the falling rain intertwined with tears,
the heavens echoing your sentiments in a burning cold.
It has gone beyond a simple choice of no,
it is deciding where you will spend the rest of the all in all.

If this is all we have left,
this place in our rain,
then we have truly fallen from grace.
Angels with no wings,
except we do not know the heaven we missed.
Embracing stains that can never be erased
in exchange for a self made prison.
Hypocritical hyperbole I can only hope is true.

Cravings for grace,
for mercy
and to live
for the love.

Confused battles with no purpose,
except that they exist out here in our rain.
The seas churning in turmoil at the lies
we perfected into a reassuring smile.

Endless seas of thoughts covered in the ever falling rain.
Swirling mists and broken fires lay about in grand circles.
The record player continues to skip in its corner and it screeches,
almost with remorse over what has happened,
what is happening
and what is to come.
A future oh so much clearer,
because of loosing that inhibition.

I refuse to pretend just to make you happy.
Even if you hate it from now until the end,
it sill survive.
All of these things move beyond us and it is okay.
Even with all of these contrived trends
I find nothing worthy of mentioning.

I have nothing but this platform and you.
The emotions pour out easily when you start to realize,
start to realize the utter humanity of our enemy
and the reluctance to extinguish a life that is worthy of life.

I cannot pretend to know.

Things are as they ever will be and can be.
People return but somethings never change.
Even with no moral support, no food and no sleep it can be done.

Just a small walk around our platform
and let the truth speak beyond the floating mists,
a darkened shower,
beyond the trite names.

Let it fall, intermingled with tears.
Colds winds and water lightly dancing in the sky.
Reminders of life and we're still alive.
The only fear we have is together,
just you and I.

God, I hate me so much so often.

Whyd o I have to have memories or feel guilty or responsibility for stupid mistakes, why can't I just be apathetic like most people seem?

Could you reduce the pain inside me long enough for me to be able to function?

I'm here right now.

Where are we going to go together?

I know the bad that is going to happen because there is so much fear inside of me.

It is sort of hypocritical of me, I know. Depression, the desire to die and not wanting to live...and yet still I feel absolute terror over the thought of being put in danger again.

I haven't been able to sleep well or function. I randomly have the shakes and just am not sure how long I can live like this before I pop.

The dawn is quickly coming this way, lighting up in bright shades of gray.

I long for a better place and better time but I'm afraid my fear will compel me to stay here to long and I will die.

Just stay here please, do not let me go because the hour is late and I don't know what to do or what will happen.

Please.

The first day of fall...stupid drugs and fear of tomorrow and what it might bring.

I really do not want to be around him or live with the fear and confusion.

I wish things could be much more simple then they are.

Yeah...you may hate me but I promise that nothing you ever say or do will ever match the absolute revulsion I feel every day at the self awareness of my own existence.

Item number two - Nightmares.

Why? Just honestly...why?!?

I wish I didn't have them and wish I had someone I could trust to talk to right now.

Dear God;

Considering I doubt you are overly busy with having numerous people complain about the same different and boring things I decided to keep this short and to the point.

Sexuality was about the single most idiotic thing you EVER came up with.

Seriously.

Love;
-Matt

Sometimes it just feels really good to know I have given in and given up in every way, to know defeat and to know it never mattered in the first place.

I'm here right now.

Where are we going to go together?

I know the bad that is going to happen because there is so much fear inside of me.

It is sort of hypocritical of me, I know. Depression, the desire to die and not wanting to live...and yet still I feel absolute terror over the thought of being put in danger again.

I haven't been able to sleep well or function. I randomly have the shakes and just am not sure how long I can live like this before I pop.

The dawn is quickly coming this way, lighting up in bright shades of gray.

I long for a better place and better time but I'm afraid my fear will compel me to stay here to long and I will die.

Just stay here please, do not let me go because the hour is late and I don't know what to do or what will happen.

Please.

I'm here right now.

Where are we going to go together?

I know the bad that is going to happen because there is so much fear inside of me.

It is sort of hypocritical of me, I know. Depression, the desire to die and not wanting to live...and yet still I feel absolute terror over the thought of being put in danger again.

I haven't been able to sleep well or function. I randomly have the shakes and just am not sure how long I can live like this before I pop.

The dawn is quickly coming this way, lighting up in bright shades of gray.

I long for a better place and better time but I'm afraid my fear will compel me to stay here to long and I will die.

Just stay here please, do not let me go because the hour is late and I don't know what to do or what will happen.

Please.

The only place I feel safe is my room but it acts like a prison cell, cutting me off from the rest of the world. But God, I can't handle much more contact with the people I know. I am feeling so stretched...like I am pulled to far apart...too many conflicts, pains and confusing sentiments.

I want to go home.
Beyond this desolate wasteland.
This cheap plasticland with no sense of real,
I'm so sick of this all.

I guess it may not matter much but I do miss you.

I'm thinking you might not recall that morning...but I do. It was on the History channel and I almost died the night before. You gave me a bowl of cereal after I had a very long and rough night of not being able to sleep.

It's amazing how being treated like a human can be so humanizing...a reminder that it is okay to just be me...that all the thoughts I process are just thoughts and do not mean anything more then I allow for them to.

As A Matter of Fact

You ask for a why but herein there lies no reason.
You want to know me deeper
and feel that the reason is real.

I can't offer you anything but uncertainty,
a look at the masks I wear and the lies
forever tied around my neck,
millstones crashing into the dark deeps.

This is me,
the real me,
the me never seen.
You wouldn't know me if you could see,
could see me being him
and he staring as me.

The most sincere thing I can do is lie.
Because stories embody more truth
then anyone can bare.
It's not like you can breath underwater
or take my life for it's problem.

I want to be free,
run free,
escape from this constraint of life.
To not feel like every breath of my being
is just another lie and another burden,
something to be tolerated but never accepted
for me.

I can be me but you wouldn't know me,
you would never see me walk across your street.
You are just happy knowing this half life
because you are afraid to be disappointed in my humanity.