Bloody Notes

I think one of the main reasons I am so frustrated with so many Christians apathy, selfishness, moral failings and in general their existence is because of how much of myself I see in them, the trappings of humanity I mean.

It is not easy to fail to live up to expectations, especially when those expectations are yours and you typically are an irrational beast focused on himself.

I wish I could be like the others, uncaring and blind in their intoxicating drugs and hedonism.

I may be in miserable pain both with my spirit and body but I know.

I know.

I have seen things no other human has nor would they believe. I have lived a short but explosive life, going places I never intended to either.

It honestly feels like I am at the very end of something. It could be my life in Jemison, my barely functioning trust in Him above or it might be the end of my trappings here on earth.

I wish I could just drink myself into a stupor, just let go and have hedonistic sex with as many women as I could, I wish I could take every possible drug to dull the ache inside my chest that travels through my stomach and to the very reaches of my soul.

My life would be so much easier from a philopshy point of view, a greater number of superficial people would like me more and want me around.

None of it would matter in the long run, it would all be equably pointless as a think and as a treat most people as being.

I seem as being lepers who might possible infect me if I bother to foster any sort of relationship with them. I see them as meaningless scum, the dried out refuse of a world that sees them as being. Worthless, pretentious, lying and theiving bastards, ever last one of them.

As if it was some sort of sick joke I hold myself up as being better than all of them. It is as if I can lie to myself long enough and even I might be tempted to believe it. But, I can't even full the most gullible person, myself.

So much hate. So much extreme emotion and desire I do not understand. I have all of these impulses of seething rage, desperate lust for superficial intimacy, all of these stupid chemical reactions in my head that make less sense than they might have before.

Who am I?
Who are you?
Why, why any of this?

You are the only one that makes sense,
can we just go away,
both You and I?
Run free across these dying wastelands
and find ourselves alone.
Deeply running connections that none understand
but you and I.

This unbreakable heart longs to be held,
understood and shattered.
The desire to be bent and broken is strong,
the desire to die that I might live again.
No matter how much I desire You in love
I hate you back with equal spite.

These contradictions en mass,
Resulting in delayed connections.
I can play this game but I will loose.
I can't stand who I am
anymore than maybe you.

I need a helping hand,
to be held and brought deeper and closer,
this isn't making anymore sense than before.

I could use some disgusting waste,
some indulging lies and forgotten purpose.
Being broke and shattered across this pretty lie,
knowing the look of disgust in your eyes is justified
just because I gave in and indulged.
Your petty lies just make me sick sister,
I just hope you are hurting like me.
The burning desires in my heart manage to touch yours
and leave unforgettable scars that you will never
live down in this life or the next.

It is just this music playing in my ears,
the deep resonating pain inside me.
I hate all I ever held dear,
nothing is worth this, nothing is worth this.
Worthless like so much fool's gold.
Worthless in your sugar coated lies
and false promises.
Worthless because you never knew how
you were such a fool.

All that is remaining after this fire is me.
You can die and be set to rest
in this gold lined coffin,
I have far to much pain left to feel and give.
Gifts too gleeful not to share.

A wicked smile behind serrated teeth,
free flowing masses of blood as I bathe in it.
Soaking up every last desire of my heart
so i can smile at you in pain,
knowing that I KNOW you know my hate.
The inescapable disgust that you are weaker
and I fail because I choose to.

The verdict is in:
I never had enough love to love you.
But why would I stop while I'm on a roll?
Learning to hate you is just too much fun.