Quote of the Day

That's what everybody keeps saying. "I'm just a professional". Everybody keeps saying that to me. "I'm just a professional", "I'm just a professional". I'm getting sick and tired of hearing that."
-Creasy

Psalms 134

"Praise the Lord, all you servants of the Lord
who minister by night in the house of the Lord."
-Psalm 134:1

Yahweh, Abba, Daddy, Father, Lover...oh I need You.
This night is so dark, the pain is so vivid and driving me crazy.
Please help me.
Please.

Light my way.
Help me to see.
Not to be obsessed with myself or others but to show love, grace and compassion no matter my walk in life, no matter where I go or what I see and do.
Please help me to learn to be responsible.
Thank You Daddy.
I need You.

Psalm 128

"How joyful are those who fear the Lord—
all who follow his ways!
You will enjoy the fruit of your labor.
How joyful and prosperous you will be!"
-Psalm 128:1-2

I have to ask...what am I doing wrong?
Is it me being cynical?
Negative?
Not willing to be nice enough?
Positive enough?
Kind enough?
I do not enjoy suffering and pain God.
I would like to do things...and well nice things to happen.
What can I do differently?

I don't think it's just a psychological change needed and I want to do the right thing.
And the right thing regardless.

Today is going to be long, painful and challenging.
Please help me to keep a positive attitude, as much of a smile as possible, a willingness to go above and beyond and ultimately remember that Your Love for me is greater than these fleeting pains I will experience every day of my life.

You are beautiful.
Wonderful.
A matchless Love and Beauty beyond my comprehension.
Hope beyond hope.
Beauty beyond Beauty.

It is all just one day at a time and I want to be lost in this Love.
Thank You for loving, rescuing, saving and wanting me.
I love You.
Thank You for loving me.

So tired of being so sick and in so much pain so often.
Choices, choices and choices.

"Love Rescue Me" - U2

"Love rescue me
Come forth and speak to me
Raise me up and don't let me fall
No man is my enemy
My own hands imprison me
Love rescue me"

"I'm wide awake
and thinking about the cross,
the Trinity apart.
I dig and come up empty,
clutching an empty heart."

And all those projects I was going to start?
Since I got unemployed?
Forgot about them till right now.
Ooops.

Migraine sure won't help me be productive... >_>

Ouchies.
Migraine.
After everything else...this is kind of hilarious in a "Ouch, please stop hurting." kind of way.

Night turned out to be really well...someone who I thought had forgotten...had forgotten but things did a quick one hundred and eighty degree turn. ^_^

"As the Ruins Fall" - C,S, Lewis

For several years now, I have read this poem on my birthday. Growing older has helped me realize the interconnectedness, our need for one another and ultimately our need for a God bigger than we could imagine.

Thank you all for joining me on this merry adventure, I look to many more years with you all.

-Matt

** ** ** ** **

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

Knowing does help.
Actually.

Knowing just what the &$%^ is going on would be nice.

"Anyone with half a brain
Could spend their whole life howling in pain
‘Cause the dark is everywhere
And Penny doesn’t seem to care
That soon the dark in me is all that will remain

Listen close to everybody’s heart
And hear that breaking sound
Hopes and dreams are shattering apart
And crashing to the ground

I cannot believe my eyes
How the world’s filled with filth and lies
But it’s plain to see
Evil inside of me is on the rise "

"
death, it doesn't scare me thinking that you're somewhere on your way
i can't go on pretending i might never see the day
it's not hard for me to picture but makes me feel out of place
i hope i'm not afraid when i see you face to face

to some you're like a prison when they've yet to taste freedom
and maybe you feel bitter because Jesus broke your kingdom
once you felt so powerful and power made you happy
but now you're like a ferry boat
now you're like a taxi

when i die whatever you might say, don't say i'm gone
gone is not the word for someone who finally found his way back home"

Trying not to feel so...
Confused.
Trying not to feel so...
Bitter.

And all on my birthday too.

Broken Synapses

Another milestone,
the year out of the way
so why of all feelings
is a tightening like a millstone?

I want thing to work.
Words to rhyme.
Couplings to beings.

I'm tired and worn out that...I don't even know why.

"Lonely Day" - System of a Down

So...twenty-six.
Yikes.
This is awkward...

Sometimes caring at all is the hardest part.

You Know...

It's amazing how alone, really is alone.
Trying to hope...
So sick with bronchitis, strep throat, diverticulosis, anxiety, depression.

I wonder why.
Why.
Why.
I wonder.

Such vivid loneliness.
Palatable.
Tangible.
Painful.

Aching in my soul,
coursing through my blood
and ripping through my mind.

Caring was the first mistake.
Dreaming was just losing perspective
and pretending,
merely pretending
there was more than it seemed.

Quote of the Day:

"No girl who plays the role of a hero dates a guy who uses her. She knows who she is."
-Donald Miller

Quote of the Day:

“Courage isn’t just a matter of not being frightened, you know. It’s being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway.”
-The Third Doctor

Day One of Unemployment

Working on working on working on things!!!

Except them to be on:

www.lamecreation.com
https://twitter.com/LordSquishy
http://lordsquishy.tumblr.com/

Besides job hunting I'm trying to fill my hours with productivity in order to keep the Depression, Anxiety and Panic Attack monsters at bay!

Caring, fighting and living take such effort.
Hope...somewhere.

Quote of the Day:

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
-Ferris Bueller

Hrmmm

Psalm 91

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him."
-Psalm 91:1-2

Oh Father.
Abba.
I'm so tired, so weak.
I feel like I am close, oh so desperately close to making progress.
But what is my progress?
What is this life?

I want passion again.
The fire and conviction burning in my soul.
I miss You.
Desperately.

My choices...so scary, confusing.
I want to rest in the warmth of Your arms.
Hold me tight.
Be my Father.
Help me.
Please.

I need, need, need You.
Thank You.
Please wash away my shame, my dirt, my pain and all this discomfort and make me Yours.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again.

Thank You...

"All alone, or in two's,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.

And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall."

Daily Residuals

Another day or two of trying to do the right thing.
Breathing deeply.
Pushing back against the night.
The demons and howls of violence,
creeping under the door
and into the mind.

'ing and 'ing
again and again.
It is a pity you do not pick up irony.
Otherwise the cafe might be full by now.

Insomnia

Yeah.
It sucks.

Metaphor for the Evening

I think keeping a foot in the door while getting some fresh air may be in order.

Or even putting a door stop.

One long weekend that is only halfway over.
Can't do anything but go up from here!

I want to go Home.

"Where is the light that I thought I was promised?
Where is the truth and the hope and the way?
I’ve lost my footing, my spine, my eyes
Everything keeps slipping away
Where is the storybook ending?
The love, the joy, the laughter?
Is all there is just nothing at all?
Is there anything that matters?
Is this all we get for our lives?
And after everything, why is it still so lonely?
So blank, so dry, so numb?
Are we brought up just to crack and bleed out?
Unravel, coming undone?
Is this all we get?

Is this all we get for our lives?
Is this all we get?"

Psalms 81

"Now I will take the load from your shoulders;
I will free your hands from their heavy tasks.
You cried to me in trouble, and I saved you;
I answered out of the thundercloud
and tested your faith when there was no water at Meribah."
-Psalms 81:6-7


"Truth is an arrow and the gate is narrow that is passes through
He unreleased His power at an unknown hour that no one knew
How long can I listen to the lies of prejudice ?
How long can I stay drunk on fear out in the wilderness ?
Can I cast it aside, all this loyalty and this pride ?
Will I ever learn that there'll be no peace, that the war won't cease
Until He returns ?

Surrender your crown on this blood-stained ground, take off your mask
He sees your deeds, He knows your needs even before you ask
How long can you falsely and deny what is real ?
How long can you hate yourself for the weakness you conceal ?
Of every earthly plan that be known to man, He is unconcerned
He's got plans of his own to set up His throne
When He return."
-Bob Dylan, "When He Returns"

All this pain and hope,
wrapped up and trapped in my bones.
The tears I cry from this soul
wishing to depart.

Your grace falls like rain
on this arid land.

Falling,
twisting,
turning
and lying.

Aching to kill my pain
and fall in Your arms.

Where am I going,
when I run
frighted
out of sync
with life
and reality.

How long,
how often
how long,
must I carry these lies
clutched to my side?


Everything before me feels so barren and so empty.
I keep trying to fill life with my lies.
To gorge on something to blank out the pain.
But everything fades, all the pain stops
and the dissonance becomes clear
when You draw near.

When I finally stop screaming hate at myself
it is You
only You
that makes sense.

All the pain, broken loyalties and confusion
become washed
and cleaned
by Your life and light.

Somehow and someway
You make sense of this pain.

Thank You.
Thank You so much for this love.
All the care, carrying and painful
and beautiful Love.

Nightmares about failing out of graduate school.
That is always reassuring.

All things considered, I'm alive.
And it is a beautiful thing.

Chills, shivering, nausea, sickness...oie.

And all I WANTED to do was go to work.

Silly, silly body. #_#

NOVEL WRITING!

AHOY!

Psalms 63

"O God, you are my God;
I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in your sanctuary
and gazed upon your power and glory.
Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
how I praise you!
I will praise you as long as I live,
lifting up my hands to you in prayer.
You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
I will praise you with songs of joy."
-Psalms 63:1-5

I'm so distant from where I feel I should be.
So much debt.
So many bills.
So many problems.
Pain and sickness.
I feel like I'm drowning.

Is this the life I'm supposed to be living?
Obsessed and talking in circles.
Me.
Me.
Me.

Can I hear you over the sound of my own voice?
I need Your breath, Your voice and Your presence.
I need You.
I am nothing.
This fading candle that is lost in the rain and wind.
Please don't let me extinguish in this night.

I want to lock up, get lost in myself.
Find a place to lay down and die.
And hide.
Hide from You and life.
But I want to break free.
And make You proud.

"Love, rescue me."

"A Place to Call Home/Melodies of Life" - Nobuo Uematsu

"Man's ego is inflated, his laws are outdated, they don't apply no more
You can't rely no more to be standing around waiting
In the home of the brave, Jefferson turning over in his grave
Fools glorifying themselves, trying to manipulate Satan
And there's slow, slow train coming up around the bend.

Big-time negotiators, false healers and woman haters
Masters of the bluff and masters of the proposition
But the enemy I see wears a cloak of decency
All non-believers and men stealers talking in the name of religion
And there's slow, there's slow train coming up around the bend.

People starving and thirsting, grain elevators are bursting
Oh, you know it costs more to store the food than it do to give it
They say loose your inhibitions, follow your own ambitions
They talk about a life of brotherly love, show me someone who knows how to live it
There's slow, slow train coming up around the bend."

Working on another nervous breakdown?
Silly.
Time to push on with work and novel writing!

Quote of the Day:

“Arthur felt happy. He was terribly pleased that the day was for once working out so much according to plan. Only twenty minutes ago he had decided he would go mad, and now here he was already chasing a Chesterfield sofa across the fields of prehistoric Earth."
-Douglas Adams, "Life, the Universe and Everything"

Words

Blocked.
Blocking.
Blocked.

What is it?
The words keep getting lower, more quite and harder to grasp.
My output has been dropping.

Was this all because I was parading for attention and parroting words?

Words.
So many things keep coming back to that.

Small words.
Big words.
Scary words.
Terrible words.
Needy words.
Painful words.

The things I see.
Feel.
Taste.
Hope.

The emotions I feel.
Crying.
Laughing.

Living.
Hoping.
Dying.

I cannot begin express how frustrated I am.
Anger.
Rage.
Bitterness.

I am trying.
I really am trying my best.
But it feels pointless.

The world isn't out to get me but why try so hard?
Why continue building when things keep falling?

I wear a mask so I can breath.
No one wants to see under it.
The play is the thing.
And all this Religious Talk
has become an exhibit.

Something that makes me nauseated.
I feel so lost.
So stretched thin and confused.
Wishing...just hoping and wishing.

All is fading.
Falling.
Hurting.
Swinging and spinning out of synch.

My head hurts from trying to make sense of work.
#_#

It's nice to smile.
And believe.
And know I am loved.

Even with all the pain,
all the hurt,
beauty still takes flight.

I will not be destroyed by my body's decay.
My soul shall outshine
and one day
my Love
shall heal this destroyed form.

Thank You.
Time and Again.

"Precious Angel" - Bob Dylan

"Precious angel, under the sun
How was I to know you'd be the one
To show me I was blinded, to show me I was gone
How weak was the foundation I was standing upon ?

Now there's spiritual warfare and flesh and blood breaking down
Ya either got faith or ya got unbelief and there ain't neutral ground
The enemy is subtle, how be it we are so deceived
When the truth's in our hearts and we still don't believe ?

Shine you light, shine your light on me
Shine you light, shine your light on me
Shine you light, shine your light on me
Ya know I just couldn't make it by myself
I'm a little too blind to see."

"Shot of Love" - Bob Dylan

"I need a shot of love, I need a shot of love.

Don't need a shot of parish to kill my disease
Don't need a shot of turpentine, only bring me to my knees
Don't need a shot of codeine to help me to repent
Don't need a shot of whiskey, help me be president.

I need a shot of love, I need a shot of love.

Doctor, can you hear me ? I need some Medicaid
I seen the kingdoms of the world and it's making me feel afraid
What I got ain't painful, it's just bound to kill me dead
Like the men that followed Jesus when they put a price upon his head.

I need a shot of love, I need a shot of love.

I don't need no alibi when I'm spending time with you
I've heard all of them rumors you have heard them too
Don't show me no picture show or give me no book to read
It don't satisfy the hurt inside nor the habit that it feeds.

I need a shot of love, I need a shot of love."