Here goes something.

Psalm 37

"Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes."
-Psalm 37:7

Who else can save me from myself?
My heart is broken.
Who can know the inner workings of something so broken,
so prone to evil
and quick to hastily act and lead to destruction?

My soul aches for You.
I worry.
I fear.
I hurt.
How can I heal?
I want to let go of this millstone on my neck
and take up Your yoke.
Carry the burden of Your love and grace.
Help me.
Help me.
Thank You.
Thank You.

Your grace is beyond words.
And my soul finds rest in You.
I want to lean against You
and just fall in Your love,
float in the Grace that saved me,
that pulled my head from ignorance
and helped me gained this perspective.

I want to move forward.
To breath.
To live.
And live in You.

Psalm 37

Psalm 36

"Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds."
-Psalm 36:5

That love is my hope.
That is all.
That is only.

Nothing else, there is no Plan B.
There is nothing but hope.
So much pent up fear, doubt and shame...

And yet, so much hope.
So much fearful and needed hope.
To love at all...is risk pain.
To open up to the Infinite Gulf of God, so scary.
So painful.
So unexpected.

Words feel so inefficient and cheap.
But hope remains.
Even with my broken shell.

"Every time I know myself, I leave what I know behind"

Sheer paranoia and stupidity...making...head...hurt... #_#

I was trying to figure out why I was yelling at the computer.

I was becoming slightly worried about myself.

Then, I realized the computer has Windows Vista installed.

Everything makes sense.

And now everything is better.

Psalm 35

"Then I will rejoice in the Lord.
I will be glad because he rescues me.
With every bone in my body I will praise him:
“Lord, who can compare with you?
Who else rescues the helpless from the strong?
Who else protects the helpless and poor from those who rob them?”"
-Psalm 35:9-10

With every bone in this broken body I ache.
With every breath my soul sighs.
So much trouble.
So many doubts.
So many years of my soul being in anguish.

Would you please draw near?
I am weak.
Too tired to crawl.
Please rescue me, yet again.
I have fallen, too weak to mend my injuries.
And here I lay,
hear me please,
do not abandon me to my just fate.

Are any good?
Are any righteous?

But it is by Your blood,
Your grace,
Your eternal love
that sinners are saved
and such a silly phrase
that "saints" came into being.

This road is long and painful,
I am afraid
but I will try.
Please do not abandon me,
do not leave me here.
My fear is great,
the fear of never knowing Your presence
and Your love wrap around me.

Rescue me, hold me up
and give me the strength
to face myself
and be willing to heal.
Please.

Psalm 34

"Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!
Fear the Lord, you his godly people,
for those who fear him will have all they need."
-Psalm 34:8-9

It's so hard to focus...to find a quiet place...to come here at all.
Why do I keep this stupid blog?
Why do I write personal spiritual junk for the world to see?
What was I thinking back in 2007?
Public accountability was a good idea?

I doubt.
I ache.
I feel.
I fear.
I want.
I need.

God is "I am", He IS.
I am here.
He is.
There is such a divide.
Even with Christ bridging the gap and carrying me.
I falter.
I fall.
I hurt.
I cry.
I need.
I ache so, so bad.

I feel harassed, pushed about and overcome by these waves.
This little ship is so close to capsizing and then what?
Am I to be lost to the waves?
I feel like Job so much but now it is Jonah.
I know this storm is for me.
I just do not know if I am going to drown.
Or if you will rescue me.
Jesus was three days in Hell just as Jonah suffered three days in the stomach of the fish.

Where am I to go?


"Darkness can't perceive the light,
though lightlessness has chilled us numb,
and though its wings may cloud the skies,
the dark shall never overcome.
Light of the World,
Your love, has never failed.

Your love,
Your mercy,
Your light unending.
Your hope,
Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending.
Daylight.
Save Me."


I need Your refuge.
I need Your grace.
Despite what seems my ability to screw up it all.
Everything I am, everything I will be, everything I can be is rooted in You alone.
You and I.
I and You.
This Love.
Burning Hope.
Peace beyond understanding.
Eternal Love with no bounds.

Father & Son

Somethings will never be.
The finality of life
crashing into death
and the painful beauty
of having to move.

There will never be
nor could there
exsist a picture perfect moment
to speak and say:
"I love you"
"Goodbye"

The time we have is the time we have,
beauty and pain,
wonder and hope
tragedy and life.

Sometimes there is a last hug.
Mostly the shades and whispers of night
as they pull
and grasp with slender tendrils
pulling time into the endless empty void.

Nothing is forever
but nothing was created to be.

Instead is hope and fear.
Hope for love.
Fear of love.
Hope of failure,
fear of success.
Such twisted views.

Love wins.
Endures the night.
Pierces the stone heart
and burns through the void.
Taking this pain
and telling you the words
I can never speak,
saying
"I love you."
thought I never really knew you.

Such impossible ways, means and hopes.
That this is not the end.
Fading flesh and broken hearts.
Idiosyncratic words refusing to rhyme,
hurting as they pass from lips to air
but hoping they can pull
and drain
years of frozen bile,
help pull out the pain
so I can begin to breath,
to laugh
to cry
and maybe just smile.

"Et il est un jour arrivé
Marteler le ciel
Et marteler la mer

Et la mer avait embrassé moi
Et la délivré moi de ma caille

Rien ne peut m'arrêter maintenant"

Nanowrimo Mentor Newbling List:

1.Sketchasketch
2.Mitsozuka
3.Spike4886
4.ulianne
5.jmkwriter
6.Mimedestroyer

Nothing screams love, peace and unity like Rage Against the Machine.
When/where and HOW did I ever get any of their music?
o_O

"Escape from pain"

Has such a wonderful sound to it...and a dream at least...not a real or practical one...but one can hope...

Quote of the Day:

"Henceforth I will write in such wise as to IRRITATE people into facing the issues. I can compel no man to agree with my opinions, but at least I can compel him to have an opinion."
-Soren Kierkegaard

And...here...we...go!

"Believing in love, believing in hope
Surrendering all of my will
Believing in nothing is scary
Believing in something is scarier still"

"there's something like a nothingness that's terribly illusive
the more i want to shut me down the more i am abusive
and when i watch the slideshow of the bits of me i'm dragging
i don't recognize the photographs, i'm not sure when (and if) they happened

i forget the me that i must have been before the me that i am now
i remember a year that i got through, but i don't remember how

the devil lives in the crossing place between two mountains in the desert
for 40 days he promised me his kingdom for forever
but i'm not sure i'm fit to run a kingdom of any kind
every time i know myself, i leave what i know behind"

Psalm 30

"I cried out to you, O Lord.
I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
“What will you gain if I die,
if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O Lord.”
-Psalm 30:8-10

Why add commentary where it might just take away the meaning?
So tired.
So sick.
So weak.
Why do I live?
What purpose is before me in this world?
The dust in my veins is filling my head and I'm tired.
So, so, so tired.

Hope lives.
Pushes it away through this weak heart.
Quick to turn.
Quick to fallacy.

Love.
Why?

This venom is so potent.
So quick.
So deadly.
So much pain.
And for what?

More hypocritical found judgement.
Destroying.
So murky.
So hazy.

"Oh the thought of what sets a person free
before I could ever love you back you gave your love to me
now I see my sentencing reprieved
you offer me your everything even though I am still me"

"Father, hear my voice, be it small
Here I am, though I am nothing at all
Dost thou still see something to love in me?
If it be, You will carry me away
That I might live today"

"Love Rescue Me" - U2

Five years later this song still sums up most of my life and struggles...



"In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

So cold.
So tired.
Matters of matter mattering.
Falling in and out.

People bother me.

But really, it IS none of my business.

Or concern.

Or responsibility.

What was that loud crunching sound you just heard?

Oh yes.

'Persona 4' just crushed against my face because of flying through my television set because of the utter lack of a Fourth Wall.

"It's not if I believe in love
But if love believes in me
Oh, believe in me

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me"

Psalm 27

"The one thing I ask of the Lord—
the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
delighting in the Lord’s perfections
and meditating in his Temple.
For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
he will hide me in his sanctuary.
He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
Then I will hold my head high
above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
singing and praising the Lord with music.

Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
Be merciful and answer me!
My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
Do not turn your back on me.
Do not reject your servant in anger.
You have always been my helper.
Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
O God of my salvation!
Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord will hold me close."

-Psalm 27:4-10

Quote of the Day:

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
-CS Lewis

Of course.
More exalted royalty.
That seems to be a theme of my life actually...

Cascades at the Hour

Such painful beauty at such an early day.
Sun rises, sets
and slips in and out of mind.
Fair winds pulling at my hair,
with the words
they just slip
and keep on slipping through my fingers.

Words too good,
too strong
and too beautiful
for such a moment.

Heh...dark humor never gets old...

Thought of the Day:

If you have to go out of the way to request respect, there is a very good chance you are missing the point altogether.

Somethings in life make no sense.

Faith.
Hope.
Love.

To just name a few.

And despite my best efforts to flee...Love comes dragging me back.
Cropping up in some of the most unexpected places.

Impracticable Absurdism

1.Impracticable - The doctrine of "impracticability", in the common law of contracts, excuses performance of a duty, where that duty has become unfeasibly difficult or expensive for the party who was to perform.


2.Absurdism - In philosophy , "The Absurd" refers to the conflict between the human tendency to seek value and meaning in life and the human inability to find any. In this context absurd does not mean "logically impossible," but rather "humanly impossible." The universe and the human mind do not each separately cause the Absurd, but rather, the Absurd arises by the contradictory nature of the two existing simultaneously.

"Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled and the powerless rise (and the powerless rise).
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned.

Wait here for death. Wait here for death.
The "blessings" of excess are only a burden on us.

It is a broken system where we just wait for death.
It is a broken system where suffering can never end.

Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled and the powerless rise (and the powerless rise).
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned... (the broken are crowned).

If helplessness is our system then we're better off upside-down."

Note to self: While having the moral high ground is good...in actuality, keeping it requires staying on the moral high ground.

Little less bitterness might go a long way...or at least somewhere...

Running, running.
Fleeing to what end?
Seeking to find what life?
Such silly and well meaning naivety.

All the choices of life
and the consequences of pain
mixed with be and being.

Why is it so easy to be so dismissive and cynical about all humans...?

Yeah...

People.

So...sad.

Meh.

...words.

I am far too efficient at changing flat tires.
Damaged the spokes by making them too tight.
I actually bent steel by hand.

Believe me my body feels the pain from the effort...

I suppose that shouldn't be anywhere as funny as I simply find it to be...

"October" - U2

"Dust to dust,
Ashes in your hair remind me
What it feels like
And I won't feel again
Night descends
Could I have been a better person
If I could only do it all again

And the sky is filled with light
Can you see it?
All the black is really white
If you believe it
And the longing that you feel
You know none of this is real
You will find a better a place
In this twilight"

Nothing clever.
Nothing worth saying.
Just blind hope wanting to see.
Just some blind hope needing to see.

"And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything"

Redundancies

Such a strange mix of angst, fear, anxiety, depression, anticipation, self centered me-ism...circling, circling and just falling back into this weird mixture of life I have been falling into.

I keep getting these snatches of memory...of a child.
It couldn't have been me.
There was no fear.
Excitement.
Willing and wanting to talk.
Unreserved joy and wide eye wonder at the world.

None of The Darkness that has slinked into so much of my daily life.
Feeling those tendrils drift in and start choking the life from me.

Non-stop flashing of instants gone by.
Days, months, years, decades...time before I was.
All mixing.
Interchanging and making less sense by the day.


I have no hope in humans.
This ego of mine wishes I could be completely separated from this taint.
The weakness, the frailty and the disgusting mess of being flesh.
It is so hard to let go at all.
To stop worrying about the pain.
All the surgical scars and self sabotaging.

I want to run.
But the fool I am will not let me.
So I am stuck halfway.
Too tired to move forward but unable to return.

There is Truth beyond Truth.
Reality beyond myself.
A world waiting to be seen, touch, tasted, heard and felt.
Ultimate Reality that takes this dirty flesh and give meaning.
Nurture to my burning and parched soul.

I want to be alone.
But no one can hide from You.
I can lay in this misery and cry for rocks to hide me
but none can escape Your impossible love.
So much so that we pray for wrath
just to avoid the pain of change.

Blessed hope and redemption.

"Am I not living up to what I'm supposed to be?
Why am I seething with this animosity?"

Psalm 26

"I wash my hands to declare my innocence.
I come to your altar, O Lord,
singing a song of thanksgiving
and telling of all your wonders.
I love your sanctuary, Lord,
the place where your glorious presence dwells."
-Psalm 26: 6-8

Divine comedy.