Redundancies

Such a strange mix of angst, fear, anxiety, depression, anticipation, self centered me-ism...circling, circling and just falling back into this weird mixture of life I have been falling into.

I keep getting these snatches of memory...of a child.
It couldn't have been me.
There was no fear.
Excitement.
Willing and wanting to talk.
Unreserved joy and wide eye wonder at the world.

None of The Darkness that has slinked into so much of my daily life.
Feeling those tendrils drift in and start choking the life from me.

Non-stop flashing of instants gone by.
Days, months, years, decades...time before I was.
All mixing.
Interchanging and making less sense by the day.


I have no hope in humans.
This ego of mine wishes I could be completely separated from this taint.
The weakness, the frailty and the disgusting mess of being flesh.
It is so hard to let go at all.
To stop worrying about the pain.
All the surgical scars and self sabotaging.

I want to run.
But the fool I am will not let me.
So I am stuck halfway.
Too tired to move forward but unable to return.

There is Truth beyond Truth.
Reality beyond myself.
A world waiting to be seen, touch, tasted, heard and felt.
Ultimate Reality that takes this dirty flesh and give meaning.
Nurture to my burning and parched soul.

I want to be alone.
But no one can hide from You.
I can lay in this misery and cry for rocks to hide me
but none can escape Your impossible love.
So much so that we pray for wrath
just to avoid the pain of change.

Blessed hope and redemption.