I really should stop.

"Anthem" - Tree63

Tired With a Touch of Hope

So as fun as pain isn't...I feel as though I might have a bit of a better perspective with suffering.

I'm okay with everything and nothing happening...I'm on the process of learning more and how and such...it's not easy and even if I have to endure even more I will.

I have hope about a handful of things...but they aren't my salvation...they won't make me joyful...they will just be nice things to have along the way.

But...as I have been learning...if I need to I can and will do without.

Such intoxicating...such unstoppable hope...

Quote of the Day:

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past."
— Anne Lamott

I'm not a fan of this...uncertainty but at this point...I have no other choice.

Faith...belief...trust...such novel and high concepts until you are forced to depend upon them with your life. Then they just tend to suck at times...but still be good and worthwhile...just it's hard at times.

Difficult...but not impossible...

Stress...stress...stress...productive stress despite other factors, fun factors though.

And stuff.

Such stuff.

And other stuff.

Stuff again.

I'm such a dork. ^_^

Prayers feel insufficient right now...but what more can I do?
I'm frustrated by my inability to act...to serve...to take away the pain of others...Jesus Christ, what more can I do?

Will it take drawing a circle and refusing to budge to make you move?
I don't enjoy being one of your most belligerent children...but my soul is screaming out at seeing the pain...

...I suppose I had gone too long without sticking my foot in my mouth.

Fleeting Rain Drops

Peacefulness flows like a river,
arching from your mind
and passed through the soul
as I lay here thinking...wondering...hoping...

Everything that is and will be
is but dust,
bits and pieces
of the general mish mash
just coming together
as we're all coming apart
and just wondering,
where You are?

Close enough to feel
but far enough to hurt,
it's like we have this dance
for just the two of us.

Every passing minute
and every fleeting second
is another without
and while wanting.

Such silly notions
and thoughts that captured my mind
as I wander about in wonder
of this endless...abundant beauty,
commonly called grace.

It's not that nice guys finish last, it's just we're the only ones stupid enough to get up at one AM to listen to someone talk about something that we have no idea what is what about...

Hmm...is there a way to make that sound less cynical?

Mayhaps.

But it's early.

And it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to. =P

Another Thing on Pain...

There is a lot of positive.
Suffering leads to the impossible...
I hate saying that because it means once again that Jesus is right and I tend to be a whiny crybaby...but things are this way...the way they are could not be different...anything else is the denial of reality as we see it.

It's easy to sit on this perch and complain about the pain because it is easy...the most difficult thing however...is making myself breath and then, despite the pain, push forward into the task of loving.

God, other and myself...one must not forget to truly love themselves...otherwise they cannot love God or others.

I hate pretending to be strong...it feels like I'm lying...but otherwise I would be causing those who do care about me to worry even more than they do...and everyone reaches a limit of where they simply cannot take or deal with anymore stress.

Besides, maybe if I lie about how my health is enough my body will start to believe it and I can magically "Try feeling better" and it will work.

The loud noises, the screams and terrible music...it reminds me of being in the hotel room in China, sick with dysentery. I was on the fifth floor I think...and across the street was the shop that played this terrible techno CD from about 8am until around 6pm. It was about fifteen tracks I had memorized by the third day of my sickness.

I would wake up from my fever humming the bar it was on.
I had my portable CD player and listened to stuff like Brave Saint Saturn, dc Talk, Five Iron Frenzy and Blindside...but the loud abrasive music didn't exactly help my headache...

I guess I say that just to be able to say...sometimes life simply sucks. And it can always be worse...I have most of my heath...I just feel nauseated and have a really bad migraine...it could be worse.

I have those I love and who love me...and the One who is Love...even when I am hurting...there is peace and hope I cannot deny.

I want to be healed and whole...but maybe that is not my destiny...if by suffering I become more like Christ...I become more understanding of pain and can help those who suffer...maybe this isn't all just pointless.

Certainly I wish someone else would make the sacrifice...but who will?
Maybe...just maybe all these dreams may start to become real...and I could help someone...

I'm never going to get use to the nausea...and on top of it...the idiots are still yelling about the game that ended three hours ago.
I really do not like sports...

In the good news realm...I think I may have my thesis paper topic: "Kierkegaard's View of the True Relation of the Christian and of the State"

Could someone please explain to me, please tell me what I did to have the gods of poverty, death, social drama and poor health chase me across this world?

Paradiso

Reality is a harsh enough mistress, why must my dreams lend themselves to solidifying the nihilistic horror of being aware to the true purpose of the universe?

I have and will continue the pursuit of truth at the sacrifice of everything...just as I have the first twenty-three years...so is it too much to just want a happy dream from time to time?

Happiness in life is not impossible...just vastly improbable...and for those who are aware, who seek and wish to know how far this rabbit hole goes...there is nothing but an assured life of...

But why get ahead of myself?
Many much more talented and useful people than myself have fallen harder and failed to finish...so who is to say I'll make it to the next mile marker or even the next step before I fall down and quit?

My soul aches for completion...it misses you...it misses things that I never have known and may never see. Is it silly to cast everything on the dreams and longings of a place that may have never been?

...there is hope, solid and hopefully undying hope...it's just the pains and frailties of my health act as this thorn that makes me doubt...that makes me afraid that I am forgotten and that...

I just...wish and hope I can get lost on this past to truth...maybe see the ones I'm looking for while on the way...maybe there will be...

Okay...weird night.
I want this weekend to end already so I can get back to class...so much less confusing >_>

Oh how I can't stand the part of me that is such a fatalist and doubter of all that is good...

Such an odd and exhausting night...

"But if you can't close up all the gaps tonight
Put me to bed in your way
You see right through everything I am
For you my insides are displayed
Sing me to sleep my beautiful one
I will love only you for all time
Sing me to sleep my only one
With promises that you are all mine

Be still my heart, I hear your back cracking
It sounds like music to me
I see your face and I can hardly breath
It looks just like a song to me"

I wish my body did not hate me and would stop trying to reject the fact I am alive. =/

Late Night Pain Induced Ramblings

I have got to learn how to deal with stress better...it feels like I've been kicked right in the stomach...and just...God I need help...serious help.

I keep hearing about all these horrible and bad things happening to friends...and I feel powerless. I mean...when bad things happen to a friend that is Christian...I can relate and there is that common ground of "Oh yes, Jesus does love us and has our best interest at heart but life will still suck and horrible things will happen because somehow this is for some sort of greater good." but with my friends who aren't...I am always at a loss for words...I can't even hug them because of the distance...so it's just me wanting to cry while praying.

I know it's stupid...and so needlessly messianic of me...but I just wish I could take away all of their pain and show them the Love I have seen and felt...I am already hurting so why not add more pain to what I am going through? I sort am beginning to understand what Paul meant when he wrote about being willing to trade away his connection with God just so the rest of his 'family' could know.

I hate feeling like I'm simply proselytizing...because it is the difference between telling about love and showing love...and I wish my heart and life wasn't this black hole of contempt, bitterness and selfishness...so maybe I could get over myself and the fact I am in pain...and actually do something to help someone.

...I feel like I whine about this all the time...but...I just want to give love...because it's what I have been given.

I hope I don't make things worse.

Why must technology fail the only time I need it to work?!?

"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"

"Matthias Replaces Judas" - Showbread

I have so much and so little to say at the same time.
Words...seem to be absent these days...

...it is way to freaking early in the morning to have to hear someone sing opera. #_#

Quote of the day:

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Why me?" Then a voice answers, "Nothing personal... your name just happened to come up.""
-Charlie Brown

I am a rather silly human being for smiling over something so small...and though I am touched with the curse of hyperbole...somethings really are just better left unsaid...except with a smile of course.

"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul."

I felt sort of melty right now.
Is that even physically possible?

So close to being done with this weeks massive projects...I slept much longer than I meant to but my sanity is more intact than it normally would be...I may be actually on the verge of learning how to balance my time with writing stuff for school.

Scary stuff.

I'm still not used to this whole being an adult thing...

Trying to make sense of what is going on with these texts and on in my mind and soul right now is a dozy.

I like writing about this stuff...now why is it so hard to...you know, actually write about it...

"If Jesus Christ is true
then I am mostly lies
if Jesus Christ is Love
then I have failed to try
if Jesus Christ is Life
then please just let me die
let...this...die..."

Lord, why do I have the distinct feeling you are about to take all of my plans, put them in a blender, hit puree and then throw the whole contraption out the window while I look on in confusion and horror?

I get the fact You are infinite, incomprehensible, terrifying and by all accounts a nice guy to drink wine with, but at what point did I start taking what is the right thing to do and make it all about me?

This isn't a disaster...far from it...it's just confusing and it is stressful to have to hang here in the air while waiting for something to happen...

...it's like how I've applied to xxxChurch for their internship three times now and have been turned down each time...was that even something You told me to do? Is any of this ministry stuff even YOU? Or is it just my megalomania wanting to try and 'save' people to make Matthew look good?

I'm not under the deluded impression that there is a 'good' or 'right' way to come to you...there is no selfless way to turn to you over anything because that is all I am ever really concerned about...me and how people fit into my plans, my wants, me this...my that...

If I haven't been listening...I am.
I have a lot of work to do but I am listening.
If you want to be a help please set my systematic theology and new testament text books on fire and speak to me from them. It's not that I need a sign or anything but I just really, really, really hate those books.

Help me keep my sense of humor while it is nighttime.
I just...I have no words.
Just bad jokes.
Help.
Please?

Stress.

Upset.

Exasperation.

Empty dorm room again.
Somewhat yay.

Lot's of homework.
Not so much yay.

Stomach is somewhat better.
Lots of yay.

Food.
Nay.

Water and Gatorade.
Yay.

A long useless list.
Not sure why but it just keeps growing itself.

The whole not sleeping thing...not so healthy.
I feel a bit less stressed since I have things outlined...now just to follow through sometime after I wake up in the morning...do that test and start major prep work for Tuesdays presentation.

I am almost feeling a bit creative.
Writings...writings...writing...

Ah oh well...maybe more sleep.

Focusing isn't my forte right now.

It's nice to smile and laugh.

Slept some...still feeling deathly though...need homework done...

No sleep.
Oh well, at least I've got the pain to keep me awake, going and company.
It just is not a very good conversationalist.
Most days.

...is it not bad enough that I have to deal with no sleep, stress, muscle twitching, being in a perpetually bad/depressed/mopey mood but nightmares?

What few minutes I sleep are vivid, terrifying nightmares.

I just...don't know.

I am far from being in a rational mind right now...almost no sleep this week on top of stress...and I found out I have ANOTHER presenation Tuesday while going through my class itinerary.

Is it too much to ask for a desk calendar?

I knew I was screwed, hands down, but this is looking to be the coup de grâce of my spirit at the rate things going.

My thoughts are following such a lack of any sort of order...I have myself worked up into such a perfect little ball of stress and I am forgetting to breath...and I thought this was going to be the year of trying not to whine all the time...but we see how quickly that went out the window.

Part of me wishes I could just get a hug while laying here...but just...screw it, there is no point anyway...a zero multiplied into a zero still only makes a zero. Nothing is nothing is nothing is nothing...or so it seems to go on about.

Maybe...just maybe a little attempt at sleep now...maybe...

Late Night Walks

I am tired.
Things are not very coherent right now but I'm trying to make sense of the long sadness I feel inside of me.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact I haven't really slept much this week...just naps here and there to help baptize my already sick body and mind into getting a bit worse.

I want to run and hide from...what feels like fake light.
I want to see the truth I always miss
and see what in life that is not worth dying for
but the beauty worth living,

I have no doubt things will become even more redundant as things tend to make even less sense as they go along...and God knows I'm lonely but I can deal with being alone, just as I have had to deal with not eating and drinking as I would like.

My body protests a lot and apparently thee skills may allude me.

I am not sure how long that started but they are working on it...well are.

A two mile walk, a hot shower and a shave later...I still can't sleep...the walk and prayer helped...just...I need to formulate this better...so many loose ends...

Screw this...too much noise...too much on my mind...time for a walk...

I think studying systematic theology turns me off so much because of the abundance of holy language being reiterated every few paragraphs as well as the lack of actual systematic structure.

Call me crazy but if I wanted to actually map out beliefs and thoughts like this I would include charts and graphs.

As is I'm wadding through massive walls of text that take a lot to say little. Focusing is hard and ultimately it just leaves me feeling a little miffed.

I'm not even sure what I need to do to become more...open to studying and being willing to learn...this is so hard to focus on because I know so much about it that I do not care. I know enough to know that the people who actually spew this crap out verbatim are typically the ones I have the least amount of patience with because it feels like it is religion and less about any sort of vivid love...but that assumption of mine is inherently flawed because I'm trying to act as a judge and play God.

Ack.
I suck.
=/