Actual effort takes so much energy.

"To have found You, and still be looking for You,
It's "the soul's paradox of love."
You fill my cup, I lift it up for more.
I won't stop now that I'm free.
I'll be chasing You
Like You chase me."


Looking for and missing the Divine,
to hear the whispers of the Muse
no matter how faint she is
or the distance the news must travel.
Longing to know
to hear
and feel
what it is to be united,
reunited with the feelings
of blissful love.

"And so with the dawn You’ve come
Eye to eye with nothing in between but this fragile glass
Your lips move again
I try but I can’t detect the vibrations in the air
How I’ve longed to inhale Your breath
It’s still early and I see your words getting caught
In the window slowly turning into frost

I see Your hand move and I can’t detain
Scraping down a word I can’t explain

I think I’ve known you all along
Just lost Your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You"

Winter Rains

So close
yet so far
every movement forward
is just me falling back
and loosing
just loosing momentum
and hoping on hope
that may never arrive
as I keep falling back
and loosing sight
of every site,
every vista
that once caught my eye.

I'm at a loss for words
as I hear maybes
and less concerting phrases
and I know
I'm getting lost again
in everything
and nothing
all at once.

I would say I could
just sit here all day
letting the red roses blossom
and wither in the cold
just like the beats of my heart
but then I would simply be lying.
My heart is too weak to feel
and I flutter and fall
as I'm shaken by this wind
and all in all
I hoping for hope,
just the barest snatch of freedom
as the wind blows
and rain glistens
as it falls.

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.”
-Dave Barry

Quote of the Day:

“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition”
-Graham Greene

"They want you to be Jesus
They'll go down on one knee
But they'll want their money back
If you're alive at thirty-three
And you're turning tricks
With your crucifix
You're a star"

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm not sure what a song about British/Irish political prisoners and criminals being shipped to Australia during the 19th century has to do with Thanksgiving...but it's a beautiful song all the same.

Hope all of you have a wonderful day.

This is beginning some of my least favorite parts of the year...I enjoy all of it with the exception of the awkwardness of family.

It can be so...sudden...so swift that is steals what joy of the Holidays I had.

I amaze myself at my ability to screw things up in an utterly unfixable sense.

At least I am good at what I do...right?

Jesus?

I don't know if I know You.

I certainly don't recognize the Caucasian with the 'Aryan' tendencies for blond hair and blue eyes. I don't see you asking for money on the television nor do I hear you in increasingly crappy pop music.

I haven't seen you in a while.

The last time I saw you was in the eyes of a homeless guy who was desperate for money to fuel his next hit.

It was really awkward but I think I saw more of you in that conversation then in about ten years worth of crappy sermons and music that makes my soul more depressed.

I'm getting disturbed by the fact I'm finding more spiritual significance in Trent Reznor's music then I am in trying to find more 'uplifting' music. There is at least honesty in the darkness...compared to the false pretense of dark disguising as light.

I see hope.
It's not just all darkness...

But it's my own path I can't see at all.
I'm trying to be obedient...but every time I take a step in what I feel is the right direction...I get hurt.
Bad.

And now...Mobile?
Why?
Why am I returning to this place that makes me so afraid for my soul?
I would be less afraid in Las Vegas, San Fransisco, Las Angles or New York...because there my soul wouldn't grow complacent.
I wouldn't be forced to dine on this expired spiritual garbage.

I need honesty.
I want to walk into the darkness.
I need to feel that what I'm doing is relevant.
Hiding in the Christian subculture bubble isn't my calling.

But I've been sick in bed for two years...that was for a reason, right?
I've felt my heart turn to stone just to have it shattered...and feel it bleed so painfully...that was for a reason, right?
I feel closer to You but more far away than ever.
I want to cry because I can't feel the One I Love.
That is for a reason, right?

Help my weak faith.
It's the fetid, malnourished and dying creature.
Help me with my lack of faith.
Help me forget about myself...this pain overwhelming my senses.
I want to get lost in You.
I want to feel You...more intimately than before.
I want to scream until my lungs are numb because I would rather die in this Love than live another day numb in this gray land.

"What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"

I hate being in pain...and bleeding...and being so clumsy and cuts...and everything...so much pain all over...

Forthcoming Collapse

Weary as the lies
and fallacies
that drip from your tongue,
my soul is run ragged
just from the maze
of your indecipherable mind
and I'm starting
to simply just fade.

Apathy,
sweet wine
and cauterizing poison
drowning my soul.

Love,
bitter pain
rip open these sores
and pull me awake.

Every twist of this turn
is leading me
and pulling me,
dragging me along with you
and I don't know
and haven't cared.
I just want to know
what you mean
when you say
and how you feel
what you mean
because altogether
it means nothing to me.

Words are just words
and God knows I hate this fake season
as much as everyone else
but to my heart
there is a special place
for over hypocrisy.
Just be honest
when you shove that dagger
deeper in my back
and maybe
we can just learn to be
the best of all kinds of friends.

And I can lay here
and enjoy the feelings of mercy
as they drip away from me
and I sort of just loose myself
like I've been trying to for years.

It's like everything said
and everything never meant
were the words and the deeds
that push along my soul being rendered
as my insides get put up for display
in these gardens you maintain.

Blood making payments to the grass
being a new soil
mixing with foreign regrets
and everything new
as life is cast and directed
to revolve around you.

Pale metaphors
barely renown
as they fall
making place
and biting their tongues
as I resume this silence.

My integrity sold by the yard
as I look back into silence
and another stay in exile.
Maybe I'll get lost this time
and never seek to return.
If there is justice
none shall see me again
and I'll fade back into the night
from which I came
and no more pain
shall issue forth
from these cracked lips
and the twisted nether
of my broken soul.

"We're In This Together" - Nine Inch Nails

"Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails

Is praying for death all that wrong? Really?

So sleepy...but so worth it to help someone I care about.
Sacrificing for those I love...it is redeeming.

*sigh* 'Up' is such a sad and depressing film.

So tired...borderline annoyed...

Musings on a Muse...just poor words incapable of speaking expectation mixed with the loneliness of the day.

Little Song Bird

Compromise, your name is mine.
In a lot of ways effort feels like too much...
To scale this mountain of insecurity
and doubt of myself
which means I could never understand
or try to show love.

I paralyze myself into indecisive,
because I drink this poison.
I drink my shame and guilt
just so savor the pain
so I can record it here
in a shrine filled with derelict trophies.
Full of mottled feathers
that hold stories
and no gain.

Is it better to make a proactive deicion at once
instead of doing nothing forever?
I don't know what other decision to make
because to push foward into silence
and into pain
feels so counterintuitive.
It's not my choice to say no
but hearing silence speak so loud
almost makes the unspoken words
just ring through my mind.
That I'm reading into nothing,
secret messages not for me
and poor theology that would never sing.

No one can judge a human heart
or see what is inside.
Only God is privy to the how's and why's.
come down from your perch
oh little song bird
and let us look eye to eye.
Maybe as equals,
if not as walking companions
but maybe just fools in the rain
trying to understand
while we question the unfathomable.

Being back in this apartment in bizarre...so many...thoughts and memories...

My soul,
oh my soul so tired
so worn down and exhausted.

Note to self:

Call Dr.Taylor at ten on Monday to see about setting up class schedule.

Nine hours, three classes.

Hooray.

** ** ** ** **
** ** ** ** **

Potential class schedule:
NT 521.40 - NEW TESTAMENT INTRODUCTION (3 Hours) 600pm - 855pm ----R-- Taylor, C.

TS 531.40 - SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY (3 Hours) 600pm-855pm --T---- Robertson



** ** ** ** **
** ** ** ** **

List of fun classes I want to do for kicks and giggles:

English 331.90 - (Advanced Composition) (3 Hours) ONLINE

English 421.01 SPECIAL TOPICS IN AMERICAN LIT AMERICAN REALISM AND NATURALISM 3 930am-1055am --T-R--

Philosophy 401 D1/English 400 HERMENEUTICS/Critical Theory (3 hours) 1100am-1225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)

Philosophy 412 01 MORAL PHILOSOPHY AND ETHICS (3 hours) 100pm-225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)

Music 181.7/482.7 - BASS GUITAR

And I'm here...drinking coffee and writing...so tired...but it's nice to be back at someplace that almost...just almost feels like it may be...home.

Sick again.

My heart is just as diseased as the rest of my body.

Only my Love can preserve and redeem this soul.

I with the rest of this would just die so I could be free of this agony.
I want to persevere but Jesus it is so hard.
I feel more alone now than ever.
Just redeem me if I can
and cast me aside if I can't.
Love me Lover.
As only Your infinite grace can.

I feel like crap.

But I'm excited.

So yes.

I will finish dressing, finish packing and cast my lots to the wind and pray to God my freaking car doesn't explode in route.

I feel as though I were the one that fell down a flight of stairs.
I am going to need an obscene amount of caffeine to survive the drive down.

Hmm...

A phone call.

I'm feeling so overloaded.
I want to crash and fall down,
just simply explode
and let my inner thoughts burn outside
as they have seared my mind.

I can't tell if what I am onto is something...or just plain insanity.

Oh well...

"Love is Blindness" - U2

"Who Wants to Live Forever?" - Queen

I can't focus enough to even try working on my novel...thank God I won't be here this weekend and I will barely be online at all.

I'm sick of this room...this cell that I have spent the past two years in mostly isolation in. I've seen more of myself then I ever wanted to and can barely remember how to socialize.

If I get back into school God help my future roommates.

I can't focus.

I'm tired...but I'm not.
I'm stressed but not too bad.
I'm excited about going to see Donald Miller tonight and eating a taco at my favorite Mexican restaurant.

I wish I better understood...but I can't.
So it will have to be okay.

"Narcolepsy" - Ben Folds Five

Being upset at others because of my own assumptions and thoughts is pure madness.

I just really wish I could be free of this all.
No more doubt.
No more shame.
A reduction of the pain I live in and to have true clarity so I can see again.

Quote of the Day:

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-Douglas Adams

"You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything"

Cyclic Nature

So it begins again.
This cycle of how much I hate myself.
All over stuff that is trivial dust in the wind...

I'm so tired...I hurt so badly right.
Why...why the hell do I want things I can't have?
I shouldn't have?

I'm so sick of me...sick of bleeding out my soul and falling fast and hard for no reason just to have my heart crushed with the vice grips of apathy.
Whose fault is it?
Mine for trying too hard and caring...

Flying too close to the sun...
I hate the me that is,
the me that falls into this trap
and makes the mistake
that things are good
and there are happy endings
in this hellish wasteland
where the only hope is in the beyond.

Any good is ripped apart shortly thereafter...
So many things...so little....
The combination...so fleeting...

Can you see?
Do you feel?
Would it matter if the time was split asunder
and every moment between now and infinity
was brought close
and I placed it in your hand?

No one knows what I'm talking about
because I don't.
There are so many thoughts screaming through my head
that I can't sort them out.
All of these dead people who will not be silent
and all of the blood on my soul
screaming out convictions
that only Jesus can take away.
But He can't
because I can't let go long enough.
I hate myself so much I make myself suffer
which is the grand irony of this all.

I want to feel the lungs empty
I want an end
a real resolution.
I want so desperately for a happy ending
that cannot exist
because in so many ways I do not.

You say happy and I don't know what that means
I just know my soul is heavy
and there is a burden which will not leave.
The more I speak of it
the least it makes sense.

There is no healing in Gilead,
no balm
and no healing for the soul.
Living in this house for two years
has been perugatory and Hell.

My soul has found no resolution
just a reptition
of the pain
and the tears
that can't be wiped away.

I just want,
you to care
but that is stupid
because I'm talking to a blank wall.
How can you converse with someone not here?
How can they hear?
How will they respond?
It is merely a useless vanity,
a repition of my voice
because I love myself more than these
and will never bow until I break
and I won't break until I weep.

I try to leave it but I can't.
Every last part of my soul needs to be purged.
I feel so sick,
my body's nerve cells scream in protest an intense pain
and I just want to lay down and die
because that would be preferable
to suffering endlessly
in this circle
and repeating
and falling
and everlasting
hopeless night of the dark soul
looking for a light that isn't there.

I can look to you,
the mere vanity,
a human like you for hope
but there is none in your kind.
I left the human race years ago
when my innocence was a flame
that was quenced by those
drunk off their power
and I lost who I was
to the cruelty
and lack of understanding.

I am.
I am me
and will be
until something changes again
and then you will look
and try to see and find me
but I'll be gone.

I want this dark soul to die
and I want my works to burn
and be my funeral pyre,
so that everything I was
will be blown into the wind
and the nothingness in me
will simple be
and all that is will be
and all in all
it is nothing.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

0f course bloody decorating the Christmas tree would make me miss a VITAL phone call!!!!






...it's okay Chuck...I feel your pain man... =/

It's selfish...but I'm hurting so bad I wish the pain would end in anyway...anyway...

A Lost Verse for Your Time

Endless spaces devoid,
expunged of meaning
by a jet black heart.
"Meaningless, utterly meaningless!" cries the teacher
as I seek to expose this fallacy,
the lies I wear on my sleeve.

The only person who believe me
was the sickly face in the mirror,
too pale to be alive
and too dead to care about such trifles.

Every dream I chased,
every fallacy I lived
is this song
I've sung
since the beginning.
Hallowed desecration
is my specialty
because none can know the truth
for I believed every lie I spouted.

If only it were as simple of a matter
as killing this weak and fetid thing,
letting it starve to death
in the isolated chamber it grew in,
to let it decay
and instead
of letting it finish transforming
into the fel beast it is to become.

Dreams twisted,
nether things,
hopeless thoughts of the divine
while I plummet
falling and bleeding
from the heights from which I disgraced
with the profane of my soul.
Such vile lies,
such twisted truth,
all for my sake
and the lies I told
just to keep you safe.

I love myself enough to worship myself
and hated you just enough
to factor you into my plans
until it meant
reality had to rear its head
and cause everything I believed
to be consumed in flames.

How can I believe such falseness?
What weight is this I carry?

It's all entwined
caught up in your name
as I try to flee from here.
Never have I saw this as I do now
how fairly unconcerned I am with all
unless it factors into my game
and how things must revolve around me.

Mercy I cry,
mercy I need
as it's grace that I will plea
and love I thirst for
as I lay here in this darkest night
being baptize in hues of gray.
Broken Alabaster jars
as I long to be
long to be more than just this mud
and for this heart
to be formed from more than just clay.

One day...

One day I will stop sticking my foot in my mouth.
Sadly today is not that day.
God I just wish my brain had a delete button.
Oh good grief...

Two Things I'm Giving Up:

1.Food - Every time I have eaten this week I've gotten sicker.

2.Song Writing - I try but I CAN'T play freaking chords on a guitar. I have bass so ingrained in my mind all I can do is play notes. That does not lend itself to song writing and what few examples I have of my effort are such God awful that I think Jesus would rather me worship Him with my devoted silence then cause ears to bleed with my poor poetry set to even worse song.

"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"

Stone Heart, Broken and Bleeding

Compromise I shan't,
every offer
and counter offer my soul makes
I would rather just be
here alone
in pale solitude
than to barter my soul
for something of lesser value.

Who I am
cannot be
anything eternal
for my heart bleeds
and aches like yours
but who I am
is simply
another of a long line
of those purchased
at bulk discount
but who also
have their heart again
and have been freed
to live and love
like you may never know.

It's all pretensions
and seemingly nonsense
about how the temporal
can approach the eternal
but the thought is backwards
because it is not I
but outside of me
from where Love comes.
It is the Spirit
touching
stirring
convicting
loving
and raising back to life.

You can't see this
and I know not why
for all the light
from the sun
is ours to share
and rejoice under,
just try and see
how I can mean
what I say
and hope
to believe
that life is never this
but what may come to be
and never just what
we can only see
but what the heart longs for
in the darkest of nights.

I can't stop living
and pushing forward,
longing for this heart
to beat more
and faster,
just to feel You walk by
and speak my name
just once more
and know,
just know this isn't a dream
but that the eternal sunrise
is ours to share
and that the beauty
is never temporal
but just a gateway
a sign
for what is to come.

It both amuses and disturbs me anytime I see someone using Shakespeare's 'Romeo and Juliet' as some sort of ideal for love and what one might consider to be a good and stable relationship.

Oie.

Can one say epic failure in the making?

"Our selfishness consumes us
Until the whole world is not enough
Forgive the day that I erased your name
that I erased your name
For it's the memory of me that will decay

I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone
I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone"

Note for the Noveling Battle Friend

20k...I hope you know I'm proud of you for making a comeback.
The easiest thing in the world is to quite when you are behind...
The hardest thing is looking your own fear and doubt in the mirror...and choosing to press on past the voice of self defeating ridicule...and those in your past who were too stupid to realize how unique and talented you are.

There is no bad story because it comes from your heart, it is what you are...and what you pull out is a part of you and the final product will be different...but it is still a part of you as any child may be.

Good luck and feel free to send some more taunts when you catch up to where I am.