I hate Catch 22 situations where it feels like there is no 'real' answer...

Going a little...little crazy...need some help Jesus.

Please.

Let the moving be quick and home be close.

I refuse to see lines...barriers on the horizon...it is open...the sky it is beautiful...the possibilities are endless...and all thanks to You.

Psalm 143:7-10

Hurry with your answer, God
I'm nearly at the end of my rope.
Don't turn away; don't ignore me!
That would be certain death.
If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice,
I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you.
Point out the road I must travel;
I'm all ears, all eyes before you.
Save me from my enemies, God—
you're my only hope!
Teach me how to live to please you,
because you're my God.
Lead me by your blessed Spirit
into cleared and level pastureland.

With Love

With trying to feel,
to love at all
it makes me feel,
makes me feel like I'm a child
just a child playacting as an adult.
A needy child aching for his mother
not knowing why falling down hurts.
I ache and cry
while hoping and trying
living with thoughts of dying
and all and all and all
is all we got.
Singing this same song again and again.

Can I hear You tell me
the why and how
the way things came to be.
Just one more bed time story,
just one more time why we're here
and where this is all going.

Sing to me again and again,
this same old song we've heard
from beginning until end.
Sing to me Love
and help me to understand why.

Oh love sing to me again
it's never been about me
but if you believed,
just if you could believe in me
and could carry this weight
around your neck.
Can you believe in me
believe in Your song and me
once again?

Just one last song for the night
on final time to say goodbye
and kiss the stars,
see them burn out of fight.
While I see you standing
standing in pale moonlight.
Is this all we have left?
Just Love?

Sing to me once more,
open the heavens,
challenge the sky,
leave what is wrong
and let us leave all this below
and become enraptured
in this Muse inspired song.
And let us sing once more
together over life
and Love.

Two more...

"Where the Sun Never Dies" - Blindside

"Where the Sun Never Dies" - Blindside

I think I saw a place in the distance
We've always known it was there
When I have breathed for the last time
I'll walk out to the end of that pier
There is that place in our conscience
So talk so loud so you won't hear and forget
But I'll still call it home

Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise

I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way

There's something moving in the shadows
There is that rumor of hope
When the spirit starts roaring
For so long we have but no longer will we cope
Love is personified
I'd rather die in love
Than stay alive numb
I'll still call it home
I'm still longing home

Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise

I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way
I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way

"The world is full of ones like me, who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed, the truth is only you
The world will soon become extinct, the age will pass away
And all will know that you are God, hallowed be your name "

Future...Inklings?

Okay...seriously...this new development about the internship...if this is just a jest then you know how upset I will be.

"and when the trumpets call us home and i am no longer bedded by pain
our tears will be forever dried for the author of life knows my name
so we trample the hoards of the pointless and blank
we will die for the truth in our hearts
no force that exists will steal us from his hands
nothing will tear us apart

though the mirror is dull, the reflection obscured we look beyond the obtuse
and the world weighs down, beating us to the ground
but her efforts are of little use
the annointed one has purchased our souls death is battered and lifeless before me
the truth rains down for the children of Christ and the truth has set us free
and through it all we rise when we fall
though the road grows more narrow before me
though we ache though we cry never break, never die
the one truth there is sets us free"


...I just don't have words to express my exuberant and obsessive love for You...You make EVERYTHING...so pale...so seemingly pointless by comparison...help me out here...please...please...

Show me this step to take and I will take it.

Regardless of the pain or what I have to give up.

Nothing is too much if is what You want and will bring glory to You.

Teach me patience and humility through my pain...make me who You know I can be...just be with me, let our spirits entwine and be One...once again...

Musing About a Muse

Every time I see information about xxxchurch...I'm reminded of not getting the internship...but I'm also reminded of a quote from Morpheus:

"What happened, happened and could not have happened any other way."

It may not be literal life and death...but pursuing the truth...finding where I am going...should go and what should I do...vastly important...

Truth...truth...there is something about that word that gives chills to me...truth, finding where this is and where it is all leading...what this will all mean...eventually from the view of eternity.

What do you think?
I hope to bump into your words a bit more...finding truth and hope...finding certainty and love.

I feel like I fell down a flight of stairs...a good bit of pain...but I still miss you more than this and that.

Hello.

Goodbye.

I hate saying goodbye...still haven't got it all through my head that it, that the virtual mechanics are dead...that the world has just dissipated into digital code...

I have dreamed a dream and that dream is now gone from me...

Love...such a funny hypochondriac filled word.

Argh!


Stuff!


Explosion!


I missed the Assassin dying again in MXO. On top of other dramas.

Drama.

Blergh.

I HATE Itunes.

Die Apple die.

My love life is masochistic...even in my dreams...

"Comfortably Numb" - Pink Floyd

Phasing in and out of existence at this point...

Jonah 3:3

"This time Jonah started off straight for Nineveh, obeying God's orders to the letter."


How is this one verse...becoming so important...so quickly?

"It’s not if I believe in love
But if love believes in me
Oh, believe in me

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me."

It's stupid to miss you as much as I might...but I do...I do...

Hearing from beyond the sea walls?

Or too pretentious...

Escape...and why?
Why not?

Oh...

Dreams...no.

No.

No.

Not more.

Not again.

Go away.

Far, far away.

Is it too much to ask for freedom from this weight...this pain?

"Out of Control" - U2

...I can't believe I forgot to post this year's birthday song...

It's A Wonder Why...

The music...keeps drawing memories out...siphoning out thoughts...taking form only in dreams...strange disheartening visions, more nightmares than escapist fair.

Where is this going?
Why are you still here?
Why must you, damnable specter of the past, haunt me still?
Did you not do enough damage in the first act of my life?
Must you haunt these grounds still tonight?

Such a lofty moniker you still wish to claim.
Father?
I think not.
Biological consequence alone does not equip one for such a task.
I keep getting told to write to you...consider this a first entry.
Not much to say because the task is rather...large.
But then again...here we are.
It's a wonder why, it's a curiosity...

I want to see through the looking glass, so desperately. I want to see beyond it but the damn thing is fogging up with my breath and I see nothing but pale shadows creeping closer behind me.

I'm feeling quite...uncomfortably numb...

I hate logging into MXO.

It's just so...empty.

*sigh*

I feel like I crashed into a metaphorical wall which also happened to be made of real bricks.

While Wilco was playing in the background too.

More Jonah Notes:

Jonah 2:1-10

Prayer of Jonah while inside the big fish. Contrast with Jesus' prayer in the garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:31-46 Mark 14:32-42, Luke 22:39-53, John 17:1-26)

Content of prayer similar to Psalm 40


Jonah 3:1-10
v.1-2 The second time God spoke. Apparently the fish was a subtle hint to Jonah. Exact same commands, exact same words dictating Jonah to go to Nineveh.

-What levels of irony exist that the 'fish' would be a symbol of early Christians? Drawn in the dirt for believers to see and know things were safe?

v.3- Jonah obeyed to the letter...Nineveh was big enough to take three days to travel...how many miles would that be?

v.4 - Jonah's message was simple and just proclaimed destruction. There was no exhortation to repent, no salvation message...no acknowledgment that there would even be a means to avoid the destruction. It was pure fire and brimstone.

v.5 - A city wide fast was held, people believed that God cared, cared about them and wanting repentance

Jonah 4:1-11

John 15

"I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer. He cuts off every branch of me that doesn't bear grapes. And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more. You are already pruned back by the message I have spoken.

"Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me.

"I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.

"I've loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love.

"I've told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. You are my friends when you do the things I command you. I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father.

"You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.

"But remember the root command: Love one another.

"If you find the godless world is hating you, remember it got its start hating me. If you lived on the world's terms, the world would love you as one of its own. But since I picked you to live on God's terms and no longer on the world's terms, the world is going to hate you.

"When that happens, remember this: Servants don't get better treatment than their masters. If they beat on me, they will certainly beat on you. If they did what I told them, they will do what you tell them.

"They are going to do all these things to you because of the way they treated me, because they don't know the One who sent me. If I hadn't come and told them all this in plain language, it wouldn't be so bad. As it is, they have no excuse. Hate me, hate my Father—it's all the same. If I hadn't done what I have done among them, works no one has ever done, they wouldn't be to blame. But they saw the God-signs and hated anyway, both me and my Father. Interesting—they have verified the truth of their own Scriptures where it is written, 'They hated me for no good reason.'

"When the Friend I plan to send you from the Father comes—the Spirit of Truth issuing from the Father—he will confirm everything about me. You, too, from your side must give your confirming evidence, since you are in this with me from the start."

I've got everything and nothing to say...so many thoughts.
I want in and out...all at the same time.
I want to be carried and I want to run at the same time.
You know what may be going on but I don't, I don't.
```````````````

Just a thought...

Would it be possible to do the lyrical styling of Bob Dylan meets the musical scope of Nine Inch Nails?

Any takers?

Anyone?

And...here we are.

"Out of Control" - U2

Monday morning
Eighteen years of dawning
I said how long
Said how long

It was one dull morning
I woke the world with bawling
I was so sad
They were so glad

I was of the feeling
It was out of control
I had the opinion it was
Out of control

Boys and girls
Go to school, and girls
They make children
Not like this one

I was of the feeling
I was out of control
I had the opinion it was
Out of control

I'm out of control
You say
Out of control
I'm out of control
Out of control
Out of control
Out of control

I fought fate
There's blood at the garden gate
The man said childhood
It's in his childhood

One day I'll die
The choice will not be mine
Will it be too late
You can't fight fate

I was of the feeling
It was out of control
I had the opinion
It was out of control

It IS okay...it really, really is...

"The Sky (Alpha)" - Showbread

N.L. Church Notes 7-20-09

Postmodernism...oh joy. >_<

Epistemology - how one reaches 'the truth'

Unless truth is formed by being given or what you reject.


Recognizing different places/persons/things which help give us negative formations of truth...political, religious...peoples and groups that hold their version as superior and champion that cause...whether consciously or otherwise.


It's easy to relapse into false notions of God if we do not think critically as to why we believe and think.


Exodus 32:1-6, 21-24, 35
-Part where Moses goes up to get the Ten Commandments and is taking 'too long'. The Israelite had been waiting 400 years in slavery...but they get bored and ask for Aaron (Moses' brother) to make them an idol. And Aaron made a golden calf idol (which they were familiar with in Egypt...they adopted a false cultural god because they were not getting what they wanted when they wanted from their idea of God).

-Postmodernism...a post is the reaction to the base word of the phrase...it is a reaction to modernism; the period of historical development where we had a way of thinking, started in the 14th century with the Renaissance, to the 17th the Enlightenment...the idea is that there WAS objective reality...truth that could be discovered...truth could be missed and found...one's job was to find that truth.

-All opinions are held as the same.
-Pluralism society is allowing all thoughts to be treated equal...popular notion is that all options and thoughts are correct.
-Faith...more like a favorite song or the number of jelly beans in a jar?
-It is like the jelly beans...an absolute and concrete idea that we may not get exact but is real.
-You have to have a universal God to have a personal God...otherwise he is merely pop thought.


Individualized truth 2 Corinthians 11:3-4
-The deception of Eve in the garden.
-Genesis 3, 'knowing good and evil'...truth and understanding beyond God, a truth that is personal
-Intimacy is created by exclusivity. True love can only be built on a individual level. Allowing 'idols' to get between our relationship with God makes things shallow and empty.
-John 1 - personal Jesus


1 Corinthians 1:2; 2:2
-The oneness of the church is based on the Blood of Christ...everything we believe is based on Jesus, his death and resurrection...John 14:6...who is Jesus? How does he bridge this gap between us and God...and makes thing REAL, PERSONAL...regardless of our belief and doubt.
-If we are freed by the love, the intimacy with Jesus...then we are not threatened by differences and people being who they are.
-Moderates in the sense of being flippiant with a relationship...nay...being moderate and willing to think outside the box...yay.
-Being like Jesus...loving people just as they are...showing love and not letting differences stop us from being friends and showing love.
-Nothing they do effects what we believe...when we are exclusive in our relationship with God we're freed to love people with NO conditions.
-Different perspectives make things more beautiful...true believers are taught by anyone and everything.

-The objectivity of Christianity isn't to win but to love.
-God is the God of everyone.

-Everything has two sides but it is like flypaper, it all depends on which side the fly lands on. Only one side allows true freedom.

Matthew 28:18-20
-Always wish us.
-All authority and with us.

** ** **

Thought:

Lord, you have shown you are a constant presence in my life by being...by creating, loving and carrying me through the night.


** ** **

My own personal problem, as I try to define it, is with the religious Christian. I see them setting up walls to keep people out...and I want to run and avoid real relationships with them so that I won't have to have my prejudices challenged.

My personal prejudices is taking a beating to the face with a baseball bat.

I hate religious speech, I hate double talk, I hate the jargon...so much that I let myself hate the people...even though I do not know them or what they could be thinking or doing. I am trying to play angry God throwing down wrath...a preconceived false idol that pretends to love while backstabbing at a moment's notice.

The problem is that this Jesus...this Jesus I've been talking to for nearly fifteen years...is demanding. Freedom requires the sacrifice of my mind...soul..my very being...it requires I lay down my rage, down my arms and allow myself to be loved.

It is so true that intimacy...true, vivid intimacy can only occur on a one on one basis...with honesty and sincerity...and I am the master of what I hate. I despise people who do double talk because it flows so easily...I weave lies so convincingly that I no longer know the truth...who is who...what is what...it's such a tangled web that I want to just burn everything and run away.

I want peace...peace that goes beyond understand...that goes beyond my fallacy and instead allows love to change...divine and intoxicating love...that goes beyond words, phrases, fallen human constructs...and digs to the matter of my broken heart.

If I can pray it is for freedom from myself, my slow lingering death at the hands of self...it's hard to sit here and I would rather run to noise...but silence the noise and still my rapidly beating heart...wipe away the tears and soothe the ache...just let things be...let things be as You will.

I need this consistency...Your constant love...Your constant grace.

I'm so tired of fighting this loosing fight...just help me to give up these shreds of a life that is holding me back. I have dug my hole and built my tower...they are nothing but scratches in the dirt and a few rocks piled on each other...like a certain pair of sisters in that story...my will be done has lead to me laying here dying...precious Lamb...one who has already spilled His blood...is there forgiveness enough for yet another lost one?

Can You, will You still carry me?

I'm too weak to stand and the nausea is a Hell...can you carry me out of this and help me to face the day?

While the proverbial knife is in my soul...would you mind just turning it a bit more to the left?

"When the World Ends" - Dave Matthews Band

...disappointment....disappointment...disappointment...

...practice, practice, practice...

Hate, much like ignorance and willing stupidity, is habit of which it is hard to break.

"Invictus" - Brave Saint Saturn

I've been breaking my back
Only to show You how very lost one can be
And bitterness fires through me
The brilliance that was is flickering cold
Slowly burning to ash
I'm choking on pride, I'm closing my eyes
Till one day I'm scared to go back

You part the shadows
Light of the world
Destroy the blindness
Peace eternal

Take this broken heart
If it brings You praise
Take this beaten soul
Shivering hands I will raise
Hope unstoppable
Sing the morning sun:
'Wake up, oh sleeper
The daylight has come'

You are, You are
Invincible
You are, You are
Unbreakable

Take this broken heart
If it brings you praise
(You part the shadows)
Take this beaten soul
Shivering hands I will raise
(Light of the world)
Hope unstoppable
Sing the morning sun:
(Destroy the blindness)
'Wake up, oh sleeper
The daylight has come'
(Peace eternal)

You are, You are
Invincible
You are, You are
Unbreakable

I've been breaking my back
Only to show You how very lost one can be

Esoteric Playground

This is me and this is you.
I'm hoping for peace and praying for understanding.

I'm even sure about...about...
I'm just not sure.
The more I hear this the further
the further the confusion.

Good God, when does this end?
I'm carrying poison in my veins,
playing at being Messiah
while carrying this broken hope.
Lies I can never cease to love
as I long to break free,
run free
into some hope.

Freedom from hate,
freedom from lies
freedom from the pain.

και εστιν αυτη η αγγελια ην ακηκοαμεν απ αυτου και αναγγελλομεν υμιν οτι ο θεος φως εστιν και σκοτια ουκ εστιν εν αυτω ουδεμια

Such lofty hope.

I'm a bad friend.

I hate going to wedding...either in person or in my dreams.