And so the night goes on...

In ways it feels like I missed my birthday.
Certainly sleeping fifteen hours on that day doesn't help.
I was running a fever yet  again.

I am still occasionally having a fever but thankfully my throat is cleared out and I can more or less breath and talk without excruciating pain.

Instead I'm staring at a white screen and typing in symbols instead of staring at the ceiling.

I'm listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" for the third time today.

That album has really grown on me.

Time is passing by.

I feel such a need to withdraw.

And at the same time this need to engage.

Two warring factions within myself.

Back and forth, back and forth.

Sleep.
Need sleep.
Please sleep?

Fine.
No sleep.

Ack.
Pain.

Stupid body.

Must...find...sleep...

A Life of Arrested Development

I suppose one might call my life one of arrested development.
I'm about to leave my mid twenties and be in my late twenties.
Yet I am afraid.
Deeply afraid.
Terrified.
Such palatable pain and fear.
To such a point I often do not know what to do.
So I hurt.
Deeply.
And react.
So I hide.
I fight to break free.
For what?
Illness.
Pain.
Sickness.

Does this make sense?
Did I choose such a path?
Was I given a choice?

And yet here I am.

Uncertain.
Afraid.
Longing.
Lost.
Needing.
Hoping.
Praying.
Feeling.
Believing.

Do you see the sun rise?
Such pale distant piercings of faint light?

Some call my God a dream.
Falsehoods built over fears.
Yet Love won me.
Divine Lover wooing me with passion.
Washing me with Love and Grace.
Impossible concepts.
Impossible ideas.
Things I could never grasp.

But arrested and stunted in emotional growth I might be in,
I still hope.
Hope.
Love.
Need.
Give.

From here.
To you.
From me.

Hmm.

Last day of June.

Year has flown by.

Hmm.

Distance in Thoughts

Riding these thoughts like waves...I'm here.
Am I going through life or just falling through time and managing to hit every step along the way?

The more I think the harder it is to write.
The thoughts become a whirlwind.
I lose my step.
The sand becomes swept into a vortex of endless possibilities.

I see but I am blind.
I hear but I am deaf.
I touch but I cannot feel.
I am alive but I am not here.

Distance becomes reality as I exist.
Time flows.
The age unwinds as planets spiral around stars spinning.

To the future.
No more regrets.
No more tears.
A brave step forward.
To the unknown.
And to the impossible becoming possible.

Hi.

Another Late Night Musing

Seemingly the worse I feel the more productive I become.

It's not as if I have this sudden foreboding dread that I will die and leave so much unfinished (I'm planning on leaving a massive inbox of things to take care of after said death anyway) but perhaps it is this need to keep my mind occupied.

Pain, be it physical or mental, is persistent. 

It occupies.

It drains.

So just a little bit can sometimes be made better by working, being creative, finding something...someplace....somewhere to find simple joys.

Twelve hours at the gameshop, with a mixture of tournament Magic play, running the counter and sorting.

I'm not sure what 'average' people do on their weekends but it's not at a gameshop and I feel sad for them. Especially for that Christian minority who refuse to frequent anyplace that is 'un-christian'...which is a silly notion in and of itself.

...digressing.

Point being, there is therapy and relief in finding somewhere besides this room I live in and my mind which can become a prison in and of itself. I've spent hundreds of hours sick and stuck both in this bed and inside of my mind.

The more I find reasons to go out, to meet people, to see people, to help  people and love them...the less reasons I find to just stay here and victimize myself further with isolation.

Strange how illness repeats.

But...as the song does say "hope still flies"

The longing.
The loneliness.
The sense of loss.

I think those are the things which hurt the most.

Great Frustration

Yeah I’m stressed out.

Nothing new there I suppose.

…it’s a bit irritating when 2/3rds of your best friends are out of their respective countries on trips and are unable to talk.

And other 1/3rd is uncertain what to say mixed with very busy.

And…I’m also in alot of pain.

Oh well…

An ever increasing annoying thing is the thing…which is the thing…and the other thing…

Knowing what you want.

Knowing what you need.

But feeling as though vocalizing it negates the point of people even doing anything… presumably if they know and love me they know what I need.

Despite their lack of psychic abilities.

So another doctor visit later today, more sedation and endoscopic procedures to make sure I'm not slowly rotting from the inside out from cancer or something.

Hooray.

Some progress on thesis...must register for summer classes...navigate new stuff at school...become world renown philosopher, teacher and Magic player so I can repay student loans and pay to have a complete body replacement...yay goals...

Sensory Deprivation

Images floating by on your screen
inside
outside
images passing by in hazey dim.

It there anything to be understood
when the night passes
but time just skips the dawn
passes the day
and brings things around to evening?

A fall.
Silent screams.
The detachment required to function
is elusive
finding nothing in something
as we sit here watching.

Nothing simple.
Nothing clean.
Numbness.
Checking out,
it all becomes a blood soaked fight to the death.

All or nothing.
Enforced hope.
Head to the ground.
Wounded and cut to the quick of the soul.
Blood feeding the ground
as souls stand about in whisper,
just lost and forgotten

Either caring or not caring.
There is no middle ground.
Killing my emotions dead.
Huh.
Doesn't seem as far fetched or crazy as it might have a year ago.
Almost a year ago today even.

It is frighteningly painful how fast time goes.

Sunday Evening

Should I give a damn about the lack of effort exerted?
It should cause pain.
Distress.
Discomfort.

...and yet...nothing.

Void.

Null.

Not even apathy...a concentrated effort for nothing.

Eventually the emotion will come swirling back.

An explosion.

But for now...

 "Nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care anymore"

It's a wee bit depressing when the people you are supposed to love are the ones to whom it is easiest to lie.

It does seem that sometimes...loneliness...and isolation are the answers.

Extended Post Scripts

Sometimes it feels every step forward is several back.
Meeting someone I haven't seen in eight years was bizarre.
Just a happenstance meeting in the library.
Invitation to Church tomorrow.

What does it matter...if it matters...at mattering?

Like getting a key to the new store finally.
About a month after we open.
Maybe I can get some extra work in.
Maybe I will be crushed under the weight of my thesis.
Or my health finally gives out via heart failure, cancer or mental illness.

Maybe.
Something.
Everything.
Possibly.

It is so easy to live in hesitation.
That moment of not knowing.
Paralyzed for decades.

Wavering back and forth.
Misery to misery.
Ashes to the dust we become.

Even if you read this...very sentence,
would you know this was about you?
Or just think it was for someone else?

Somethings change.
Everything ends.

You made your decisions.
And so did I.
It seems that now,
we must understand why. 

Must be a strange thing to believe in love.

Hope is hope.
Right?

Last One for the Night

Tired of being tired.
So tired.
Yet again.
Words.
Less words.
More words.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.

It's not what you are looking for
but maybe it will find you.

Things are getting better.
And not even a touch of sardonic thought to add.
Just tired and such.
Here we go.

It's amazing how almost dying can put life in perspective.
What you love.
What you care about.
What you treasure.

Or in my case how I have none of the above.

"nothing can stop me now
I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
I just don't care
nothing can stop me now
you don't need me anymore"

The plus side of self awareness, is that deep down...I know how incredibly horrible of a person I am and somehow manage to get away with it.