Cleaning while having pneumonia is not QUITE as exciting as it sounds.
However listening to "I Am the Doctor" from Doctor Who makes things infinitely more exciting than they would be otherwise.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
Oh for a Song to Sing, A Muse to Cry Unto
Reading words with no context.
With no voice.
Not being able to hear the tones and inflections...
Oh the pain.
Memories that are treasures,
start to weigh down
and feel the weight of glory.
That maybe all will be revealed.
And I can take you by the hand,
see your smile face to face
and we can walk in the Kingdom.
Unburden by chronic death
but flowing with everlasting Life.
With no voice.
Not being able to hear the tones and inflections...
Oh the pain.
Memories that are treasures,
start to weigh down
and feel the weight of glory.
That maybe all will be revealed.
And I can take you by the hand,
see your smile face to face
and we can walk in the Kingdom.
Unburden by chronic death
but flowing with everlasting Life.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Woah
Well the season premiere of Sons of Anarchy was insane enough to where I am not sure I can watch the rest of the season.
Just...wow.
Just...wow.
Labels:
episode premiere,
Season Five,
Sons of Anarchy,
squick,
Woah
Wandering Souls
So cold in here.
Loosing feeling
and loosing touch,
so cold.
I miss warmth.
Hugs.
Feeling sure.
The capacity of assurance.
Days have gone by,
sun setting on the day
and I have to wonder.
What will come at night?
Will the shadows darken?
What will come out at night?
Will the demons show?
There is the wonde
as the soul wanders,
never finding contentment
but acting as a leech,
always wanting.
Something new,
something bigger
and something greater.
But I have not the capacity for such foolishness,
the night approaches
and my road hasn't grown shorter.
I still have to walk.
Even when there is no light to see by.
Step by step,
pace by pace
Hope I don't fall in the dark
and break my freaking neck.
At least
I have the hope
that the one who wanders
is not lost.
And maybe one day
there can be warmth
and hugs.
Loosing feeling
and loosing touch,
so cold.
I miss warmth.
Hugs.
Feeling sure.
The capacity of assurance.
Days have gone by,
sun setting on the day
and I have to wonder.
What will come at night?
Will the shadows darken?
What will come out at night?
Will the demons show?
There is the wonde
as the soul wanders,
never finding contentment
but acting as a leech,
always wanting.
Something new,
something bigger
and something greater.
But I have not the capacity for such foolishness,
the night approaches
and my road hasn't grown shorter.
I still have to walk.
Even when there is no light to see by.
Step by step,
pace by pace
Hope I don't fall in the dark
and break my freaking neck.
At least
I have the hope
that the one who wanders
is not lost.
And maybe one day
there can be warmth
and hugs.
Money In, Money Out
Money in, Money out.
Bills come and stay.
Get paid.
Get replaced.
Get paid again.
And are sill replaced.
Cycles and never ending rotations.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.
Bills come and stay.
Get paid.
Get replaced.
Get paid again.
And are sill replaced.
Cycles and never ending rotations.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Another Day, Another Breath and Another Step
The funny thing about telling people "there is hope", "don't give up" and "there is a reason to live" is that when I start to hurt or despair...I have to live with what I have said and carry it.
Partly it is obligation and partly because I have to keep living.
I have had no choice or say in the matter.
I should be dead.
And yet I live.
Breath is in my lungs.
My heart still beats.
And the neurons are still firing in my brain.
This pain in my soul, body and mind will not destroy me.
It will hurt.
It will knock me down.
But I will stand again.
I will be pulled back to my feet.
When my body gives out I trust I will fall into the arms of One waiting.
But there are no easy answers or solutions to life problems.
And no easy escape.
For better or worse I'm stuck on this linear course.
And I aim to do what I can.
Show as much love and compassion and see what happens.
Partly it is obligation and partly because I have to keep living.
I have had no choice or say in the matter.
I should be dead.
And yet I live.
Breath is in my lungs.
My heart still beats.
And the neurons are still firing in my brain.
This pain in my soul, body and mind will not destroy me.
It will hurt.
It will knock me down.
But I will stand again.
I will be pulled back to my feet.
When my body gives out I trust I will fall into the arms of One waiting.
But there are no easy answers or solutions to life problems.
And no easy escape.
For better or worse I'm stuck on this linear course.
And I aim to do what I can.
Show as much love and compassion and see what happens.
Quote of the Day
"Even with so much bad blood between us...it's funny. Now that I'm actually face to face with him again...the hatred is gone. All I feel is a deep sense of longing, and pity."
-Snake "Jack", Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
-Snake "Jack", Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
On Jennifers
So Jennifer finally visited me...a couple weeks ago.
I know if I do not post this now I am not sure when I will.
I was medicated out of my skull and only have the faintest memories of the visit, however I was told it went well.
Seems I always have such strange timing.
Strange how she visited now and we met after years of correspondence.
Time is fleeting, so very fleeting.
Why won't you slow down so we can all take a comfortable stroll?
I know if I do not post this now I am not sure when I will.
I was medicated out of my skull and only have the faintest memories of the visit, however I was told it went well.
Seems I always have such strange timing.
Strange how she visited now and we met after years of correspondence.
Time is fleeting, so very fleeting.
Why won't you slow down so we can all take a comfortable stroll?
Early Morning Existential Quandary
The greater the selection of options, choices and possible results...the greater the pressure of choice becomes.
At least it is from my perspective.
Maybe that is why it is so easy for me to feel such weight?
Even when I wish for it all to vanish in wisps of smoke.
One of the normal questions asked when diagnosing depression, anxiety and etc. is if a person has lost joy in their ever day life.
Why does it seem...what does it feel...like I either have to be joyful or miserable?
Not a balance of those two emotions but one of the poles.
I do not feel it is me setting me up for failure...but just if I do not exercise caution my heart/soul/mind wanders and finds all these questions, all these instances of pain and all of the sum total of silliness of human existence...and I feel the pain others feel.
Sometimes I forget that I am supposed to feel my own pain.
It is so much easier to let situations and guilt dictate how I breath.
What is this?
What is it we become at night?
For all the roads we walk
and questions we ponder,
where is it we are going?
Questions aplently
but answers afew.
Oh how I wish You were here.
So much regret.
So much pain.
I have to decide.
Sooner,
always sooner
and never later.
Stay with me.
Through this night,
through the pain,
as my flesh fails
and my spirit cries out,
stay with me.
Please.
At least it is from my perspective.
Maybe that is why it is so easy for me to feel such weight?
Even when I wish for it all to vanish in wisps of smoke.
One of the normal questions asked when diagnosing depression, anxiety and etc. is if a person has lost joy in their ever day life.
Why does it seem...what does it feel...like I either have to be joyful or miserable?
Not a balance of those two emotions but one of the poles.
I do not feel it is me setting me up for failure...but just if I do not exercise caution my heart/soul/mind wanders and finds all these questions, all these instances of pain and all of the sum total of silliness of human existence...and I feel the pain others feel.
Sometimes I forget that I am supposed to feel my own pain.
It is so much easier to let situations and guilt dictate how I breath.
What is this?
What is it we become at night?
For all the roads we walk
and questions we ponder,
where is it we are going?
Questions aplently
but answers afew.
Oh how I wish You were here.
So much regret.
So much pain.
I have to decide.
Sooner,
always sooner
and never later.
Stay with me.
Through this night,
through the pain,
as my flesh fails
and my spirit cries out,
stay with me.
Please.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Happiness is a state of...being?
I wonder if the lack of posting I've done on this blog means anything particularly outside of the fact I've been suffering severe drying up of writing...for one reason or another.
In some ways I do not think I could be happier...but in others I wonder what is going on. Why I am doing what I am doing and what I am doing it for...
I keep having to deal with emotional/mental stress on top and beside the physical ones...wondering what will happen. What will happen?
What is really worth fighting for in this mixed up world?
I am trying.
Thoughts keep spiraling one way or another.
Certain things in my life can keep going this way...but a lot of changes need to be changed.
There is hope...even when I'm not entirely sure what of and why and how.
In some ways I do not think I could be happier...but in others I wonder what is going on. Why I am doing what I am doing and what I am doing it for...
I keep having to deal with emotional/mental stress on top and beside the physical ones...wondering what will happen. What will happen?
What is really worth fighting for in this mixed up world?
I am trying.
Thoughts keep spiraling one way or another.
Certain things in my life can keep going this way...but a lot of changes need to be changed.
There is hope...even when I'm not entirely sure what of and why and how.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Spiritual maturity...or lack thereof...
So many things, so much confusion.
I am having trouble putting words into exact meaning.
However, the fact I'm supposed to be something significant is disturbing.
I feel more like I'm falling from platform to platform as opposed to understanding or knowing exactly what is going on.
So many things, so much confusion.
I am having trouble putting words into exact meaning.
However, the fact I'm supposed to be something significant is disturbing.
I feel more like I'm falling from platform to platform as opposed to understanding or knowing exactly what is going on.
Escape, Nausea Laden Trips
It feels so childish, drama laden and teenage angst to say "You do not understand me."
But honestly.
Going with pure honest thought.
It is how I feel.
I let that kind of stuff effect me too much.
You.
The one reading.
The one not reading.
The one looking.
The one passing by without a thought.
My thoughts do not compile in rational thought as it rushes hither and tither, trying to make some sense while at the same time just as likely to send me into being in panic mode.
And then I claim to be a Christian Pacifist when I'm so angry and destructive.
I want so much.
And act like I deserve it.
I cause so much pain by my choices.
Darkness feel so close.
Close and burning in my heart.
Wrapping and intoxicating hate where I do not have to feel or think.
Hope is painful.
Love makes no sense.
But here I am.
Hanging on.
Crying out in the dark.
Hope will prevail.
Light cannot be destroyed.
Refracted.
Confused.
But the Love of Christ burns in this dark.
So I stand here.
Hope.
Hope.
Hope.
But honestly.
Going with pure honest thought.
It is how I feel.
I let that kind of stuff effect me too much.
You.
The one reading.
The one not reading.
The one looking.
The one passing by without a thought.
My thoughts do not compile in rational thought as it rushes hither and tither, trying to make some sense while at the same time just as likely to send me into being in panic mode.
And then I claim to be a Christian Pacifist when I'm so angry and destructive.
I want so much.
And act like I deserve it.
I cause so much pain by my choices.
Darkness feel so close.
Close and burning in my heart.
Wrapping and intoxicating hate where I do not have to feel or think.
Hope is painful.
Love makes no sense.
But here I am.
Hanging on.
Crying out in the dark.
Hope will prevail.
Light cannot be destroyed.
Refracted.
Confused.
But the Love of Christ burns in this dark.
So I stand here.
Hope.
Hope.
Hope.
Labels:
bad poetry,
Christ,
Christ light of the World,
Dare to Hope,
Hope,
Light,
the dark,
uncertain
Saturday, September 8, 2012
You win blogger.
I've switched to the new layout and there are so many shiny things that I do not know where to click.
If this was your attempt to reduce the amount of random babble I spew throughout the year...you shall not win!
Now if only I could figure out where the publish button is...
I've switched to the new layout and there are so many shiny things that I do not know where to click.
If this was your attempt to reduce the amount of random babble I spew throughout the year...you shall not win!
Now if only I could figure out where the publish button is...
Labels:
blogger,
Confusion,
new interface,
you shall never win
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