"Alas My Love/ The Hardway" - dc Talk

"Mind's Eye" - dc Talk

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength,
    always ready to help in times of trouble. 
 So we will not fear when earthquakes come
    and the mountains crumble into the sea. 
 Let the oceans roar and foam.
    Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! "
-Psalm 46:1-3




"I wanna be in the light
As you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, lord be my light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light
All I want is to be in the light

The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control
Tell me, what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a savior"
 -dc Talk, "In the Light"










My soul aches. screams
and protests all the pain and fear.
In this tomb I live in.
My life is Yours,
but oh God,
how I fear so badly.
I ache and fear,
rescue me Love.
Rescue me my Beloved.

Psalm 45

"Beautiful words stir my heart.
    I will recite a lovely poem about the king,
    for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet."
-Psalm 45:1

Oh my King,
My Love,
Deliverer,
Savior,
Wonderful One,

So much life
so much pain
and so much grace.

Thank You for life.
Thank You for this life to call my own.
I miss jobs,
I fail at work,
I end up with so much debt in student loans and rent.


But still,
You are Good.
You are God.
You are Wonderful.


I want to give You my words,
this tired
and achey
and weary words
which may somehow
please
and 
 bless
You alone,
My Love.


Thank You.
I just need Grace.
To fall at Your feet.
Take this empty bottle of grief
that I clutch like a child to,
killing myself
all because of what I want.


Help me to accept
and stand in the downpour
and rain
of Love,
The Love of You.


Thank you.

Psalm 43

"For you are God, my only safe haven.
    Why have you tossed me aside?
Why must I wander around in grief,
    oppressed by my enemies?
Send out your light and your truth;
    let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
    to the place where you live."
-Psalm 43:2-3


I've read this passage again...and again...and again.
How long?
How long?
I wait in pain.
Anguish.
In need of You.


So much is fleeting,
passing
and gone by.


How long until You return?
Until Healing?
Until things can be made right?

I wait for You,
for You alone
my Love.
Please do not tarry.
 

Painted in Twilight

Dust in the fading light,
catching the eye
as  the wind catches,
cradles us
in a loving embrace.

"The Day the World Went Away" - Nine Inch Nails

Slipping Away

Letting go,
the slip,
sensation of free falling
out of
away from
you.

"The First Time" - U2

So strange to have so many people in this house.
And there to be no connection.
No feeling.
No emotion.
Just this emptiness.

I wish I knew which truths were lies and what lies were truth.

But then...life might become too simple.

"Only" - Nine Inch Nails

Unperceived Thoughts (Merrily Onto Folly)

Words are falling.
Cascading,
tripping over themselves again.

I saw your face again,
reflected
in the mirror of my mind.

I sat here waiting.
Promises from years past
as I laid,
not knowing your sincerity
from pillow talk
in the middle of the night.

What mere abstract
was you
and
which were the lies
I made up
so I could sleep at night?

On and on,
so this story goes,
merest whispers on the wind
as I wait.

As ash and age
surely will follow,
and I,
am I,
fool and hopefully hopeless
to every bitter end.

Smiles with tears.
Crisscrossing
and
falling with the night.

"Memories and possibilities are ever more hideous than realities."
-H.P. Lovecraft

Psalm 40

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord."
-Psalm 40:1-3

How long?
How long?
How long?
To sing this song?

My heart soars, swoons and falls
diving, colliding
and begging for You.
Time in,
time out
in every way
in every sight
sound
and light.

How was I alive before You?
How can I pretend to be alive without You?
The only esctsy of my soul
can be found
within Your love for me.
All of these fleeting jewels,
relationships,
sweet pains
are reminders of Love Divine,
that was carried
and spread on a Cross.

Thank You.
Again.
Again.
And again.
Your Love is greater than I.
And shall ever be.
Forever.
And ever.
Amen.

Writer's Block

So I hate writing blocks.

I think there needs to be random writings and thoughts.
May not fix everything but it does something.
And something is needed and wonderful.

It's a bit of a silly thing...it's composed of fear, doubt, insincerity, introspection...and on, on, on and going.

It's so strange how I can wake up and feel so lost, things are floating up and away...when nothing has occurred to change things.

However, this isn't the depression and anxiety doubling up on me.
The happiness is still there.
It just feels frustrating because my health is going up and down still.

There is never a sensation of "having made it" and waiting for that is a bit silly.
Every day of our lives is a chance for living, life and new experiences.

I'm not sure about so many of the other details...but there is more than an ample opportunity for happiness, for living and creating something new.

And I can smile.
That is wonderful all and of itself.
Money may be dwindling and the new job not taking off like I had hoped it would, but it's not the end of the world.

I can choose.
No matter the outcome, there is choice.
I will continue to choose.
Continue to smile.
It's beautiful.
Even with the pain.

Time seems to keep on flying by.
Surgery after surgery.
Pill after pill.
I could give up...but I must not...I cannot...

Broken Beauty

Pain.
Lot's of pain.
Multi day migraine and fibro flare up.
Pain.
Confusion.

Beauty remains even when we forget about it.
Grace prevails.
Grace carries.
Heal.
Redeems.
Life to these dead and dying bones.
Beauty beyond comprehension.

Abba, Adonai, Avinu.
Lover.
Life giving beauty.
Grace beyond Grace.
Day after day.
Thank You.

Foolish.
Insane.
Confused.

But foolishly and relentlessly never giving up.

Why am I such a foolish idiot?

"

"Grace Flood" - The O.C. Supertones

Oh so many foolish things afoot.
Whispers in the wind.'
Hope flying and fluttering,
just out of reach.

Quote of the Day:

"I wish I had never been born," she said. "What are we born for?"
"For infinite happiness," said the Spirit. "You can step out into it at any moment..."
-C.S. Lewis, "The Great Divorce"

Stirrings in the Night

The one you knew is gone.
Replaced by a sound,
strange sensation
and verbalization.

Realization that the world is passed,
going
and leaving,
all left behind
as all is all that it ever was.

Beginning and end
wrapped up in a cloth,
waiting
and
waiting.

Hope is coming.
Shattering storms of wind,
carrying debris
crashing to the soul.

Hope in a hurricane,
destructive light
providing a way out.

Oh how hope is coming.