Unperceived Thoughts (Merrily Onto Folly)

Words are falling.
Cascading,
tripping over themselves again.

I saw your face again,
reflected
in the mirror of my mind.

I sat here waiting.
Promises from years past
as I laid,
not knowing your sincerity
from pillow talk
in the middle of the night.

What mere abstract
was you
and
which were the lies
I made up
so I could sleep at night?

On and on,
so this story goes,
merest whispers on the wind
as I wait.

As ash and age
surely will follow,
and I,
am I,
fool and hopefully hopeless
to every bitter end.

Smiles with tears.
Crisscrossing
and
falling with the night.

"Memories and possibilities are ever more hideous than realities."
-H.P. Lovecraft

Psalm 40

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord."
-Psalm 40:1-3

How long?
How long?
How long?
To sing this song?

My heart soars, swoons and falls
diving, colliding
and begging for You.
Time in,
time out
in every way
in every sight
sound
and light.

How was I alive before You?
How can I pretend to be alive without You?
The only esctsy of my soul
can be found
within Your love for me.
All of these fleeting jewels,
relationships,
sweet pains
are reminders of Love Divine,
that was carried
and spread on a Cross.

Thank You.
Again.
Again.
And again.
Your Love is greater than I.
And shall ever be.
Forever.
And ever.
Amen.

Writer's Block

So I hate writing blocks.

I think there needs to be random writings and thoughts.
May not fix everything but it does something.
And something is needed and wonderful.

It's a bit of a silly thing...it's composed of fear, doubt, insincerity, introspection...and on, on, on and going.

It's so strange how I can wake up and feel so lost, things are floating up and away...when nothing has occurred to change things.

However, this isn't the depression and anxiety doubling up on me.
The happiness is still there.
It just feels frustrating because my health is going up and down still.

There is never a sensation of "having made it" and waiting for that is a bit silly.
Every day of our lives is a chance for living, life and new experiences.

I'm not sure about so many of the other details...but there is more than an ample opportunity for happiness, for living and creating something new.

And I can smile.
That is wonderful all and of itself.
Money may be dwindling and the new job not taking off like I had hoped it would, but it's not the end of the world.

I can choose.
No matter the outcome, there is choice.
I will continue to choose.
Continue to smile.
It's beautiful.
Even with the pain.

Time seems to keep on flying by.
Surgery after surgery.
Pill after pill.
I could give up...but I must not...I cannot...

Broken Beauty

Pain.
Lot's of pain.
Multi day migraine and fibro flare up.
Pain.
Confusion.

Beauty remains even when we forget about it.
Grace prevails.
Grace carries.
Heal.
Redeems.
Life to these dead and dying bones.
Beauty beyond comprehension.

Abba, Adonai, Avinu.
Lover.
Life giving beauty.
Grace beyond Grace.
Day after day.
Thank You.

Foolish.
Insane.
Confused.

But foolishly and relentlessly never giving up.

Why am I such a foolish idiot?

"

"Grace Flood" - The O.C. Supertones

Oh so many foolish things afoot.
Whispers in the wind.'
Hope flying and fluttering,
just out of reach.

Quote of the Day:

"I wish I had never been born," she said. "What are we born for?"
"For infinite happiness," said the Spirit. "You can step out into it at any moment..."
-C.S. Lewis, "The Great Divorce"

Stirrings in the Night

The one you knew is gone.
Replaced by a sound,
strange sensation
and verbalization.

Realization that the world is passed,
going
and leaving,
all left behind
as all is all that it ever was.

Beginning and end
wrapped up in a cloth,
waiting
and
waiting.

Hope is coming.
Shattering storms of wind,
carrying debris
crashing to the soul.

Hope in a hurricane,
destructive light
providing a way out.

Oh how hope is coming.

Jeremiah 20:9

"But if I say, “I will not mention his word
or speak anymore in his name,”
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot."

"Oh, the sky is electric tonight
My savior from myself
Is on the move
My long lost love
My redeemer
Come and remind me

The curse is broken
Heavy burdens are lifted off
And my soul is light as a feather
In your storm

Waves arrive like thunder
I'm not scared to end up under
Wash away my heartache that's
Creeping in
I'm not scared to loose my skin

I'm waiting for you
I always have
I'm waiting for you
And I always have"

"Come and find me, my Love
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
I leave no tracks, no scent, no trace
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
Please forget the things I said and I wrote
Forget them and throw them away
Forget the things that I wrecked and I broke
Forget me and throw me away
The dark to me is a comfort
It offers blindness to me
There are so many horrible things in the light
They hurt for me to see

If you find me, carry me home
Don’t wake me or whisper my name
Lock me in the warmth of Your arms
And walk me away from my shame

Emotional, Mental, Physical and Spiritual Drain

Words.
Yet there is no structure behind them.
Words.
But the meaning is unclear.
Words.
And the block has grown.

Words.
Words.
Words.

Even more words.

More words.

Words.

Too Soon to Speak

Breath.
Pain.
Wonder, enrapturing and catching my soul.

Exodus.
Leaving.
Needs, tradition faltering and trepidation singing.

"I'm Looking Forward To Joining You Finally"- Nine Inch Nails

"thought he had it all before they called his bluff
found out that his skin just wasn't thick enough
wanted to go back to how it was before
thought he lost everything
then he lost a whole lot more

a fool's devotion
swallowed up in empty space
the tears of regret
frozen to the side of his face

the smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes

I've done all I can do
could I please come with you?
sweet smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes"

Late Night Stash of Photos Find

So many pictures found.
Images of life being lived.
Death prevented while hope prevails.
Bitterness mixed with trepidation.

Where does this all lead?
What Rabbit Hole will come next?
Am I lost as I wander,
or is it I am standing
in the center of Your hand
a second from embrace?

Null