"Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am in distress.
Tears blur my eyes.
My body and soul are withering away.
I am dying from grief;
my years are shortened by sadness.
Sin has drained my strength;
I am wasting away from within."
-Psalm 31:9-10
I know there is Hope, Love and Grace.
But the waiting,
the pain of seconds becoming minutes becoming hours,
how long,
how long shall I wait?
Till my age increases
and my hair becomes fully gray
and these belittled bones into dust?
Some say it is melodrama
but my life is empty, incomplete
and at such a loss
without You, Abba, Father.
These words are nothing without You.
For it is You who gives meaning,
that creates a purpose
from being awake until dreaming,
all of the pain has this purpose
but it only is derived from You.
What shall I do?
What can I do?
What must I do?
These songs are fleeting
but I feel Your melody,
it is within me
and far without
as I wait here.
Lost in dreams
becoming nightmares,
stuck in this Beyond
never knowing
or sure.
Lover please Love me.
Do not be distant.
Or wait till I have decayed from doubt and pain,
rescue me.
Once again.
This is a trap and pain of my own devising
but You alone can rescue me.
Only You are wonderful, beautiful and perfect.
These ashes of my life will be scattered soon,
so please do not tarry.
Do not tarry Love.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Psalm 29
"Honor the LORD, you heavenly beings;
honor the LORD for his glory and strength.
Honor the LORD for the glory of his name.
Worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness."
-Psalm 29:1-2
Honor, glory and Love to thee,
my Frighteningly Beautiful Lord, to thee alone.
All of these fake gods, false idols and things that distract me,
all are nothing, were nothing and shall be nothing.
All is fading,
broken
and lost in the coming twilight.
Hope still flies.
Even in the darkest nights of my soul,
for You alone are Beautiful.
You alone are Good.
Thank You.
Thank You.
Forever deserving of worship and praise,
You have carried me.
Thank You.
honor the LORD for his glory and strength.
Honor the LORD for the glory of his name.
Worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness."
-Psalm 29:1-2
Honor, glory and Love to thee,
my Frighteningly Beautiful Lord, to thee alone.
All of these fake gods, false idols and things that distract me,
all are nothing, were nothing and shall be nothing.
All is fading,
broken
and lost in the coming twilight.
Hope still flies.
Even in the darkest nights of my soul,
for You alone are Beautiful.
You alone are Good.
Thank You.
Thank You.
Forever deserving of worship and praise,
You have carried me.
Thank You.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Quote of the Day:
"The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
-Douglas Adams
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
-Douglas Adams
Psalm 28
"I pray to you, O LORD, my rock.
Do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you are silent,
I might as well give up and die.
Listen to my prayer for mercy
as I cry out to you for help,
as I lift my hands toward your holy sanctuary. "
-Psalm 28:1-2
And so, such an apt prayer.
Such an appropriate verse to read.
My soul is trampled and lost in the mire.
It becomes a question of what may or may not.
Feeling dead, uncertainty and mixed emotions.
And yet, here we are.
Once again.
So many thoughts.
So much unknown.
I can hope.
I can fear.
So much pain.
Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and psychological.
I have not a clue who I am or what I will be.
All these words I'm muttering are about me.
Where are You in this pain?
How far are You?
My Love, my Abba, the one closest and somehow furthest away.
I will wither without Your Love.
Look at this mess of a life.
The Fibromyalgia, anxiety, surgeries, pain, reckless pain.
My soul is dry and dead without You.
Food, music, sunlight, air, stories, work, reading...all have lost their flavor.
Like salt which has gone beyond use, they no longer bring anything relevant or useful to my life.
Here I am.
Praying.
Hoping.
There is hope, even with my despair and pain...the Light has burned even brighter.
That there is more than this pain.
And fading humanity.
Whatever happens, give me grace and conviction to turn back to You.
This broken heart, this wounded soul need You.
I thirst for Your Love and Spirit.
For Grace again.
To fall in Love again but more than that...to remember the Cross and follow.
To carry the burden of Yours that is not a burden.
To let loose this poison and hold to You.
Do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you are silent,
I might as well give up and die.
Listen to my prayer for mercy
as I cry out to you for help,
as I lift my hands toward your holy sanctuary. "
-Psalm 28:1-2
And so, such an apt prayer.
Such an appropriate verse to read.
My soul is trampled and lost in the mire.
It becomes a question of what may or may not.
Feeling dead, uncertainty and mixed emotions.
And yet, here we are.
Once again.
So many thoughts.
So much unknown.
I can hope.
I can fear.
So much pain.
Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and psychological.
I have not a clue who I am or what I will be.
All these words I'm muttering are about me.
Where are You in this pain?
How far are You?
My Love, my Abba, the one closest and somehow furthest away.
I will wither without Your Love.
Look at this mess of a life.
The Fibromyalgia, anxiety, surgeries, pain, reckless pain.
My soul is dry and dead without You.
Food, music, sunlight, air, stories, work, reading...all have lost their flavor.
Like salt which has gone beyond use, they no longer bring anything relevant or useful to my life.
Here I am.
Praying.
Hoping.
There is hope, even with my despair and pain...the Light has burned even brighter.
That there is more than this pain.
And fading humanity.
Whatever happens, give me grace and conviction to turn back to You.
This broken heart, this wounded soul need You.
I thirst for Your Love and Spirit.
For Grace again.
To fall in Love again but more than that...to remember the Cross and follow.
To carry the burden of Yours that is not a burden.
To let loose this poison and hold to You.
I know it's a bit silly wishing I was less conflicted, less in pain, less torn...because this is a broken world.
There is beauty, there is wonder, there are things not just worth dying for...but actually living for.
However, when you are feeling as though you have fallen into...and might just be stuck in life's gutter...it's so easy to lose perspective and forget who you are, why you were born and what it is you are just capable of living and being.
There is beauty, there is wonder, there are things not just worth dying for...but actually living for.
However, when you are feeling as though you have fallen into...and might just be stuck in life's gutter...it's so easy to lose perspective and forget who you are, why you were born and what it is you are just capable of living and being.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Quote of the Day:
"Truth is not always the best basis for happiness. There are certain lies which may constitute a far better and more secure foundation of happiness. There are people who perish when their eyes are opened."
-Wilhelm Stekel
-Wilhelm Stekel
Friday, February 24, 2012
Quote of the Day:
"The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."
-Wilhelm Stekel
-Wilhelm Stekel
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
One step forward medically and multiple steps back with physical pain.
Spiritual pain as well...death in the family and aching for a friend who is stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I tend to be stuck between alot of rocks and a lot of hard places.
Sometimes I am not sure WHICH are the rocks and WHICH are the hard places.
But there is prayer.
Grace beyond understanding.
An all encompassing hurricane of love that is my Abba, my God and Strength, my Love and Lover.
I breath and live for such as Thee.
Such paltry and simple words...as I am amazed.
Spiritual pain as well...death in the family and aching for a friend who is stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I tend to be stuck between alot of rocks and a lot of hard places.
Sometimes I am not sure WHICH are the rocks and WHICH are the hard places.
But there is prayer.
Grace beyond understanding.
An all encompassing hurricane of love that is my Abba, my God and Strength, my Love and Lover.
I breath and live for such as Thee.
Such paltry and simple words...as I am amazed.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Finding Grace, Again and Again
This night, like most nights that end up with me unable to think and write, was strange. Because of growing up around people unable to control their drinking, I typically will do anything but be around those drinking, but tonight I spent time with those who drank.
I was not made to question people's salvation.
To ponder if God would have chosen them and ergo spared just the right enough blood to cover them.
I can't reconcile predestination, election, freewill and how we have to choose God as much as He chooses us. I refuse to try and solve a paradox of God's love because there is too much else that needs to be doing.
I can sit in a room and play theology all day long...or take the Love, the Love that bleed and died for me - Chief of Sinners, and convey such grace with these unworthy lips.
It is like I can hear my purpose again.
So faint.
So far away.
On a distant shore.
The waves are calling for me.
It is not my time but soon.
This diseased and dying shell will exhaust itself.
I will fall into the arms of Christ to never hurt again.
But until then I must love.
Love with the passion of a Savior who first love me.
Such impossible,
such madness
the love of Christ
conveying,
carrying
and being all that I could ever dream.
Needing, longing for You.
Messiah, Lover, Father and Friend,
such impossible titles
for such improbable Love.
I was called to teach, to love and to do something new.
Somehow I keep losing myself in this pain and fear.
What should I do, Abba?
How can I go forward?
For so long I tried and beat my head against so many walls.
Those walls kept collapsing.
China, all the Bible studies, the bands, failed relationships, nervous breakdowns, surgery after surgery, embarrassing health problems and this growing social anxiety fear.
The last thing I want to do is anything but anything.
What can I do?
Please, please, please open the doors.
Your Word says the Spirit prays when we do not know how.
I do not know how.
Fear, depression, self hate, wanting this all to end and all of these dark thoughts have been so constant and I hear nothing but the screaming winds of this madness. Monsters and demons in the dark striking out at me and finding every weakness to exploit.
And I hear I am.
Naked before You.
All I am is layed before.
I have nothing to hide and nowhere to hide it.
From the beginning You knew me.
My weakness, my shame, my fear...
Yet, You love me.
Chased after me for Your good pleasure.
Mad.
Insane.
I want to scream and cry from the pain ripping through my body right now but my soul, You speak words of Love to my soul.
Please stop this mad pain.
Please let me have rest.
Please, Abba, Father.
I am so afraid.
So very afraid and weak.
Carry me.
Hold me as I sleep.
Speak to me and may I share Love only as You may will.
"My sin O the joy of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and
I bear it no more praise the Lord, praise the Lord,
O my soul
And Lord haste the day
When my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and
The Lord shall descend
Even so it is well with my soul"
I was not made to question people's salvation.
To ponder if God would have chosen them and ergo spared just the right enough blood to cover them.
I can't reconcile predestination, election, freewill and how we have to choose God as much as He chooses us. I refuse to try and solve a paradox of God's love because there is too much else that needs to be doing.
I can sit in a room and play theology all day long...or take the Love, the Love that bleed and died for me - Chief of Sinners, and convey such grace with these unworthy lips.
It is like I can hear my purpose again.
So faint.
So far away.
On a distant shore.
The waves are calling for me.
It is not my time but soon.
This diseased and dying shell will exhaust itself.
I will fall into the arms of Christ to never hurt again.
But until then I must love.
Love with the passion of a Savior who first love me.
Such impossible,
such madness
the love of Christ
conveying,
carrying
and being all that I could ever dream.
Needing, longing for You.
Messiah, Lover, Father and Friend,
such impossible titles
for such improbable Love.
I was called to teach, to love and to do something new.
Somehow I keep losing myself in this pain and fear.
What should I do, Abba?
How can I go forward?
For so long I tried and beat my head against so many walls.
Those walls kept collapsing.
China, all the Bible studies, the bands, failed relationships, nervous breakdowns, surgery after surgery, embarrassing health problems and this growing social anxiety fear.
The last thing I want to do is anything but anything.
What can I do?
Please, please, please open the doors.
Your Word says the Spirit prays when we do not know how.
I do not know how.
Fear, depression, self hate, wanting this all to end and all of these dark thoughts have been so constant and I hear nothing but the screaming winds of this madness. Monsters and demons in the dark striking out at me and finding every weakness to exploit.
And I hear I am.
Naked before You.
All I am is layed before.
I have nothing to hide and nowhere to hide it.
From the beginning You knew me.
My weakness, my shame, my fear...
Yet, You love me.
Chased after me for Your good pleasure.
Mad.
Insane.
I want to scream and cry from the pain ripping through my body right now but my soul, You speak words of Love to my soul.
Please stop this mad pain.
Please let me have rest.
Please, Abba, Father.
I am so afraid.
So very afraid and weak.
Carry me.
Hold me as I sleep.
Speak to me and may I share Love only as You may will.
"My sin O the joy of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and
I bear it no more praise the Lord, praise the Lord,
O my soul
And Lord haste the day
When my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and
The Lord shall descend
Even so it is well with my soul"
"How many years have we waited
for a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
chasing a love that was not our own?
I sat ashore and watched
as one hopeless wave crashed upon another
while my thoughts ran to the hills
my heart never reached the sea
with only delusions of an endless journey
I am left with an ocean between you and me
Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
of someone else's dream
The gate to my heart has been weld shut
with the splendor of my aspirations closed in
how many years have we waited
for a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
chasing a love that was not our own?
Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
of someone else's dream"
for a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
chasing a love that was not our own?
I sat ashore and watched
as one hopeless wave crashed upon another
while my thoughts ran to the hills
my heart never reached the sea
with only delusions of an endless journey
I am left with an ocean between you and me
Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
of someone else's dream
The gate to my heart has been weld shut
with the splendor of my aspirations closed in
how many years have we waited
for a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
chasing a love that was not our own?
Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
of someone else's dream"
Faith Stranger Than Fiction
Waves beat across the shore,
birds are crying
and we're holding back tears.
Seeing your dreams dashed to pieces
sending this mournful aching
through my chest,
hearts filled with this fear.
Messiah born in Bethlehem,
wearing thorns
and splinters in Your skin,
this blood You spilled
with all my sins that you bore,
what foolishness is this?
In all of this,
my shame is all I have,
this life profane
and this is how grace will begin?
This foolishness saving my life
burning in my soul,
a fire to my bones
as I lay in wait,
on this shore of broken dreams
naught that I can own,
just this regret
and a scream,
a need to be redeemed.
birds are crying
and we're holding back tears.
Seeing your dreams dashed to pieces
sending this mournful aching
through my chest,
hearts filled with this fear.
Messiah born in Bethlehem,
wearing thorns
and splinters in Your skin,
this blood You spilled
with all my sins that you bore,
what foolishness is this?
In all of this,
my shame is all I have,
this life profane
and this is how grace will begin?
This foolishness saving my life
burning in my soul,
a fire to my bones
as I lay in wait,
on this shore of broken dreams
naught that I can own,
just this regret
and a scream,
a need to be redeemed.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
1 Thessalonians 5:12-22
"Dear brothers and sisters, honor those who are your leaders in the Lord’s work. They work hard among you and give you spiritual guidance. Show them great respect and wholehearted love because of their work. And live peacefully with each other.
Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone.
See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people.
Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. Do not scoff at prophecies, but test everything that is said. Hold on to what is good. Stay away from every kind of evil."
-1 Thessalonians 5:12-22
Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone.
See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people.
Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. Do not scoff at prophecies, but test everything that is said. Hold on to what is good. Stay away from every kind of evil."
-1 Thessalonians 5:12-22
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