Another day of pain and medication.
I keep loosing track of time.
Up is down, left is right and my heart's rhyme is off tempo.

Sometimes I wonder where I am, where I am going and if I have already arrived.

I really do not like how the medication makes me feel...but sometimes it makes the pain my body is in decrease.

Sometimes it feels like I have just been in pain my entire life and that is all there is or will ever be.

My Savior, my Love, my Lord, my Daddy, my King, my Maker...all of these you are...please, please heal me.
Reduce or remove the pain...

I know I ask in vain because I at least know...it is for a reason.
The reason would not make sense to me and I would never be brave enough to have picked this road on my own.

But here stand, You and I.
Forever entwined and even when I falter and fail, you love me all the same.

Proverbs 2

"My child, listen to what I say,
and treasure my commands.
Tune your ears to wisdom,
and concentrate on understanding.
Cry out for insight,
and ask for understanding.
Search for them as you would for silver;
seek them like hidden treasures.
Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord,
and you will gain knowledge of God."
-Proverbs 2:1-5

What can I...should I...hope to say?
I am so tired that I think I just need to lay here.
Speak to me please, pull me up and out of this comfort of self.
I would like to love you, love others...please help me because I do not know how I could ever do this on my own.

It is silly how much I talk about me, with my requests, my thoughts...what I want, what I need...I...I...I...
Is that all I care about?

The Mammon Machine just pumping out more magic, just a few more sold souls in order to rule the world.

At any point you could have tossed me to the streets but you didn't...you could have left me when I started complaining.
You are so faithful, so beautiful, so wonderful to a broken wretch such as I.
Why would you seek for me to love you?
Desire my love out of all those in this chaotic world?

Thank you Love, thank you.
My God, my Lord, my Shepard, my Teacher, my Messiah, my Savior...my Redeemer.

Daddy, thank you.
Thank you for being infinite, boundless, full of grace, loving...but when the time is right you are Judge, powerful...this tumulus storm of love that you refuse to let us remain where we are...and you will do right.

Just...thank you.

Quote of the Day:

"You can either practice being right or practice being kind."
—Anne Lamott

"October/New Years Day" - U2

October
And the trees are stripped bare
Of all they wear
What do I care

October
And kingdoms rise and kingdoms fall
But You go on
And on

The thing that is absurdly hilarious and sad at the same time is that I am the only one to notice the flowing mass of irony surrounding it all.

Oh well.

Nero played while Rome burned.
Maybe I can just take a nap instead.

Quote of the Day:

"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."
-Stephen King

I found out the biopsies taken last week during the test were all negative.

The good news is I have nothing like Bubonic Plague, cancer, deep seated infection or Chronic Spontaneous Human Combustion Disorder. However this also means I really don't have a diagnosis beyond fibromyalgia.

Illness - 12, Medical Science - 0

Okay.
I am slightly freaked out because I think Jesus finally said something to me.
I have been ranting about being sick but my biggest theological question I have been grappling with the past few years (even my senior thesis was on this) is why are good people, any INNOCENT people suffering?

Africa, Europe, Asia, the Americas...starvation, disease, neglect, ignorance...thousands if not millions of lives wasting away...dying from malnutrition, preventable disease...STUPID poverty that by all rights should not exist in the twenty-first situation.

Do you want to know what Jesus said?
It could have been a message out of Job.
No answers, no defense, no justification...just the beautiful way Jesus tends to take situations and turn them around on you.

It was simply this:
"If you care so much why aren't you doing something about it?"

By all means this could just be the product of a sick mind being turned in on itself...but it matches with Scripture to the best of my knowledge.
I rant, write, kick up dust and draw circles in the sand...but what is it I am really doing?

Right now I am too tired, too exhausted to sort things out...but the two groups that come to mind that I need to do more stuff with is One, Amnesty International, World Vision and Voice of the Martyrs.

I have signed petitions in the past...but the gross amount of hypocrisy is that I stopped there...I have not made it a regular issue to pray about...or write about.
That needs to change...

I don't have to change the world.
I can be sick and be in excruciating pain until I fall over dead.
I don't care, I know I am going to die sooner or later...the only thing I even remotely care about right now is being faithful to the post I have been called to.

I think that will require some serious reflection and thought.

Anger is such a useless emotion.
Things go bad and all apart...I am perhaps the only person in the whole world who manages to accomplish nothing when I am angry.

I cannot yell at anyone, hurt them, break things or anything whatsoever...I actually care about people so I can't treat them as objects to use and toss away when I get done with them.

I just...

I am so frustrated with my body not healing, not getting better...small things get under my skin and agitate me...and I just forget why I am even alive in the first place.

Father I am so weary...I find no rest in sleep from the nightmares and most of my waking moments are marked second by second from the pain that comes from breathing, walking, eating food...what am I supposed to do?

I want to believe it will get better than you actually give a damn about me...but my faith isn't that strong. I feel like...I have tried, I have done this...I have done that and ultimately it's all been pointless, meaningless...because I can't even function, I can barely make it to class.

I have nothing left.
I am beyond exhausted and the medication...does nothing, it makes me unable to function.
What kind of sick joke is this?

I feel like I am just falling apart faster every day...and the best service I could do is just to remove every presence of myself here...and there...just find some solitude and peace in the darkness.

I am in so much pain right now that it is starting to make me incredibly angry.
Very angry.
Yay for useless medication, doctors who are less than helpful and impossibly embarrassing and painful tests that lead nowhere!

Psalm 150

Praise the Lord!

Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heaven!
Praise him for his mighty works;
praise his unequaled greatness!
Praise him with a blast of the ram’s horn;
praise him with the lyre and harp!
Praise him with the tambourine and dancing;
praise him with strings and flutes!
Praise him with a clash of cymbals;
praise him with loud clanging cymbals.
Let everything that breathes sing praises to the Lord!

Praise the Lord!
-Psalm 150:1-6


I (mostly) read through the Psalms once again.
It has been an insane summer and fall.

I feel different and think I am no longer the same person I was at the start of summer. For better or for worse it has been a period of time...seconds, minutes, hours, days...just flowing and pulling at me...demanding change.

I really, really, really do not feel like praising right now.
Praising you in the pain is hard.
Even though I may be healing...pain is everywhere it seems.

I can breathe.
I do not really know what else to do...except smile and laugh through the anguish as the best I can.

You are good.
Even when I don't want to admit it.
Even when I am just laying here hurting so much.
I don't have sufficient words.

Life, life, life, life...

What more can I say or do?
I feel so distant and close at the same time.
I have missed so much class that I can barely believe tomorrow is October.

Another three months and it'll be Christmas...another six or seven months and I'll be done with school here.

I want to love you, even though I feel like I keep loosing my path with every step I take...but here I am, still alive.

Every choice, every decision, every time you have rescued me has brought me closer on this path...closer to you...closer to how things can or may be...good and evil, life and death, love and loss...everything is spinning and falling further out of sync as sin continues to mangle and deteriorate everything.

And yet...this is for the good?
I don't know how...I just know that it is truth, something I can't deny because it has engulfed me and turned me inside and out...making me have love and compassion where there was nothing but a desert of apathy.

I'm afraid I am becoming a darker, much more cynical and apathetic monster because of the pain...the sin of life...yet you break this heart of stone every time I try to push you out.

I think that alone is worth praising.
I have nothing to offer you except my wicked heart.
It is a gift, an offering far too small.
Yet, you will have me?
Messiah born in Bethlehem,
You have seen my words, my deeds and actions;
paltry things
always the bare minimum
while I beg you
to feed my hunger
and lusts of my heart.

You see the mercenary
the bastard I try to be
and You refuse
to let me
simply fall apart
and fade into the shadows.

A Cosmic Meddler
But the one calling me
breaking me
and pouring life
into my soul.

You have surveyed the desolation
and the ever spreading wasteland
that my soul
makes itself to be
just to hide from love
and flee from maturity.

Would any one of us,
any single one of us
have agreed to this
given a choice?
Were the fallen angels
found wanting
because they saw the horror
and gave into despair?

I hunger and thirst
but not for righteousness
as much as my own way.
The means and paths I walk,
while pretending to be.

Again, again and again...
When will the cycle stop?
Will this be the now and then
forever and forever?

I just...want to find peace.
Rest in you.
Find love in you.

I am not really sure what to make of today.

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...so many thoughts.
So little time for implementation.

Again, Again, Again

Why bother?
That needs an answer.
No more dodging the question.
No more hiding behind people.
No more of the shadows.

Just another cut
more feedback
coming through your speakers
as you look dumbfounded,
I guess the world wasn't your oyster?
Maybe it'll open up
and you can collect the dust
that was never a pearl.

But it's not like it's different,
nothing except repetitions
as I gaze out the window
of the concrete tomb
I call my home away from home.
Never will the night last,
but that doesn't mean much
except that most of us won't make it out.

But Home,
sweet and beautiful Home.
The one place I have never seen
but the place I have been looking
and crawling to
all of my life.

I may spend all my time,
waste all my blood and
shed my tears
but I will never bow to you.
Silly little wooden idols
you lost my attention
just as soon as everything happened.

Digressions

What to know
what to see
what to feel
what to be
what to care
what to have
what to touch
what to hate
what to love
what to destroy
what to build
and everything you wanted me to be.

Shallow anorexic shadows dance
just vapid images on the wall
as the light reflects
and illuminates
making us all wish to flee
from the righteous wrath to come.

Wow how I hate food.
So much.
So so so so sooooo much.

I feel so tired...this semester feels like it has been longer than a month...more like several years.

Maybe I will graduate this spring...that way I will never have to step foot in this city or at this school again. That alone is something to look forward to.

I just am having trouble looking beyond the incredible amounts of pain I am in today, how I just don't know what to do...how to deal with being in so much pain...feeling so...disjointed and out of place.

How much...really matters that I try?
What in my life...is actually worth doing?
Anytime I can sit here and not be in pain feels like borrowed time I am rapidly running out of.

Oh well...people are people.
Can't really expect them to do anything except serve their best interests at the end of the day.
Sometimes they will surprise you by moving beyond their inner drive for self preservation...but it is certainly not something ever worth holding your breath over.

All of creation is slowly unwinding...as the world falls apart from the inside out.
This sort of...radiant decay as it were.
There is some good to be seen in it, much good when you dig deep.
Just...a good potion of hope seems to be based on willing blindness and building upon the misery of others...which is tragic in and of itself.

Progress that destroys, breaks and corrupts is never progress.
Just lightly veiled sin.

-Galatians 3:13-14

"But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law. When he was hung on the cross, he took upon himself the curse for our wrongdoing. For it is written in the Scriptures, “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.” Through Christ Jesus, God has blessed the Gentiles with the same blessing he promised to Abraham, so that we who are believers might receive the promised Holy Spirit through faith."
-Galatians 3:13-14


I."But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law."
-The law was the guide to the Israelite, the Jewish nation, that they were given after the Exodus from Egypt and camped at the base of Mt.Sinai. God gave Moses the law of what was expected of the people if they wanted to join God in a covenant, a marriage of the people to God that was a fulfillment he had made to their ancestors.
-Humanity has been divided from God, from grace by choosing to ignore God and in fact act against him and one another. God told Adam in the garden that to eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil would mean that he would die. The consequence of sin is death, one cannot have sin and be with God because we would be destroyed.
-The law in a sense acted to show what we could not do on our own, even though there was a sacrifice system so that the Jews could have forgiveness for themselves, their families and as a nation the blood of the animals was only a temporary fix, it did not solve the ultimate problem of humanity being separated from God.
-However Jesus Christ acting as both high priest and the final sacrificial lamb opened a way for people to be fully reconciled and not have to face the ultimate punishment for their sin.


II."When he was hung on the cross, he took upon himself the curse for our wrongdoing."
-Acting as the ultimate sacrifice for our sins he took upon the punishment we deserved for acting against God and each other.
-He was the lamb slain so that the division between God and man could finally be filled.



III."For it is written in the Scriptures, “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.”"
-This quote is from Deuteronomy 21:23
-Jesus became cursed for us so that we would not have to endure the full consequences of our actions.


IV."Through Christ Jesus, God has blessed the Gentiles with the same blessing he promised to Abraham, so that we who are believers might receive the promised Holy Spirit through faith."
-

"And everyone cries out Your name, as the world is raped by selfishness
And no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
And the storm it rages in my heart, and the endless empty roars in my ears
My world is coming all apart, I’ve no strength left to dry my tears
And through it all I hear Your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
Calms the storm inside my soul as You whisper "peace, be still..."

You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen "

Sometimes it seems that the only person I am successful at lying to is myself and I really am starting to doubt how good I am at that.

Quote of the Day:

“You can hold yourself back from the sufferings of the world, that is something you are free to do and it accords with your nature, but perhaps this very holding back is the one suffering you could avoid.”
-Franz Kafka

I am beginning to think that no major writing theologian of the past several hundred years are familiar with the concept of Occam's Razor.

Quote of the Day:

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
-Oscar Wilde

I can say goodnight and take care...because I honestly do not know how this story ends.

Maybe it is just beginning...

There is so much pain, such a struggle...but even laying in this muddy ditch of self hate and medicated misery I can see the stars.

They are so beautiful.

Night into Dawn

I want to run from you.
Flee as far as I might.
From the east is as to the west.
My fear of being loved is too much.

I am.
That is the best I can manage.
You know me, my soul.
I am so...
I just am.
I can't think of anymore to say.

I complain, I cry, I rant...
But here I am.
Good and bad, ugly and beautiful
everything that I am.

Thank you for loving me.
I can only love because you first loved me.

I may be feeling like thawed out death...but it is nice to write some...and feel a little bit better.

Every bit helps.