I really, really, really miss my grandmother.
A lot.
I went to check my mail in Samford and for some reason the empty box reminded me that...I wouldn't be getting any cards from her. It's been six or seven years since I have gotten one from her...but just...the void is still there.
It is nowhere as raw as the feelings were when her health started to decline...but at the same time...it's one of those things that I don't think can really ever heal. I think Anne Lamott put it best when she mentioned that loosing someone you love...it's like having a badly broken leg...it'll heal and you can dance but you will always still have a small limp and hurt some when you move the wrong way.
I sometimes hate the fact I am forced to need people...and resent God for putting me in life where I am going to hurt like Hell and there is nothing I can do about it. There is just want to be self righteous about it...but it's a loosing battle...just breathing, being able to move at all and breath is a blessing.
It is amazing how the things we talked about in Acting I today applied to my life...how pain and the past have marked my life so heavily...and how impossible I have found it to just be able to move at times...to think, to breath...to do anything except feel the pain in such a frighteningly vivid manner.
But...even in the cold snow that falls from this pain...the frigid casing that wraps around my heart and tries to keep me from breathing...even in the dark...I feel hope, I feel the warmth of the Lamb as he calls my name and relentlessly pursues me...with such a reckless love.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Psalm 127
"Unless the Lord builds a house,
the work of the builders is wasted.
Unless the Lord protects a city,
guarding it with sentries will do no good.
It is useless for you to work so hard
from early morning until late at night,
anxiously working for food to eat;
for God gives rest to his loved ones."
-Psalm 127:1-2
the work of the builders is wasted.
Unless the Lord protects a city,
guarding it with sentries will do no good.
It is useless for you to work so hard
from early morning until late at night,
anxiously working for food to eat;
for God gives rest to his loved ones."
-Psalm 127:1-2
I'm hurting.
Fairly freaking bad.
There was not hot water so I had a cold shower.
I feel nauseated.
But I have joy.
I hurt like I was thrown down a flight of stairs but God has me standing up.
I'm drinking blueberry pomegranate tea with a smile.
The future is here at last and I'm greeting her with a smile and a limp, but a smile all the same.
Fairly freaking bad.
There was not hot water so I had a cold shower.
I feel nauseated.
But I have joy.
I hurt like I was thrown down a flight of stairs but God has me standing up.
I'm drinking blueberry pomegranate tea with a smile.
The future is here at last and I'm greeting her with a smile and a limp, but a smile all the same.
"
"One"
Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you
Now you got someone to blame
You say one love, one life
When it's one need in the night
It's one love
We get to share it
It leaves you baby
If you don't care for it
Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's too late tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one but we're not the same
We get to carry each other, carry each other
One
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one but we're not the same
We hurt each other, then we do it again
You say love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter but then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on to what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love, one blood, one life
You got to do what you should
One life with each other
Sisters, brothers
One life but we're not the same
We get to carry each other, carry each other
One"
"One"
Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you
Now you got someone to blame
You say one love, one life
When it's one need in the night
It's one love
We get to share it
It leaves you baby
If you don't care for it
Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's too late tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one but we're not the same
We get to carry each other, carry each other
One
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one but we're not the same
We hurt each other, then we do it again
You say love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter but then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on to what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love, one blood, one life
You got to do what you should
One life with each other
Sisters, brothers
One life but we're not the same
We get to carry each other, carry each other
One"
Monday, September 6, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I wish I could give you the positive change you want to see so bad...but the best I can do right now is just take a step...left, right, left right...hoping I am heading in the right way.
Things are always changing...there is beauty to behold...and we're all heading in some direction, there is confusion...I'm so tired.
Maybe I am getting better...at least that would explain why I am sleeping so much lately...just the pain is still worrisome.
Maybe the doctors can fix my body...maybe even bits of my mind too...it's just between the Great Physician and myself to do some needed work on spirit improvement...walking forward and not holding back...being terrified of change and of the past.
Things are so vivid...so ever changing.
I want, need, hope...so desperately...
Everything human...
Words fail me.
As of late they often have...
Peace tomorrow, maybe the sun will rise on churches and inspire new hope.
The energy drain of the humidity and heat may be going...coolness is a welcome change.
Fall is my season, the season of change, where things become brown and colored and colder and darker.
October, November, December...such hope for you all this year...
Hope.
Hope?
Hope.
Things are always changing...there is beauty to behold...and we're all heading in some direction, there is confusion...I'm so tired.
Maybe I am getting better...at least that would explain why I am sleeping so much lately...just the pain is still worrisome.
Maybe the doctors can fix my body...maybe even bits of my mind too...it's just between the Great Physician and myself to do some needed work on spirit improvement...walking forward and not holding back...being terrified of change and of the past.
Things are so vivid...so ever changing.
I want, need, hope...so desperately...
Everything human...
Words fail me.
As of late they often have...
Peace tomorrow, maybe the sun will rise on churches and inspire new hope.
The energy drain of the humidity and heat may be going...coolness is a welcome change.
Fall is my season, the season of change, where things become brown and colored and colder and darker.
October, November, December...such hope for you all this year...
Hope.
Hope?
Hope.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"God is not proud...He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him."
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
Psalm 124
"What if the Lord had not been on our side?
Let all Israel repeat:
What if the Lord had not been on our side
when people attacked us?
They would have swallowed us alive
in their burning anger.
The waters would have engulfed us;
a torrent would have overwhelmed us.
Yes, the raging waters of their fury
would have overwhelmed our very lives.
Praise the Lord,
who did not let their teeth tear us apart!
We escaped like a bird from a hunter’s trap.
The trap is broken, and we are free!
Our help is from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth."
-Psalm 124:1-8
It is nice to breath.
To have a cup of tea.
I am alive.
Here for the moment and soon to be gone.
Beauty that lasts from moment to moment,
hope that will live on beyond the fragile.
This personality, this soul
the need to feel and breath
leap and bound
from moment to moment
will stretch from now until forever
eternally laid out before Love
in such unknowable
vivid tones and colors.
Here now,
gone and soon.
But beauty while it lasts
as it evolves
and becomes more than it would have been
in any other form or sense.
Thank you for loving me in spite of my insanity and faulty ways...of carrying me when I'm too tired to do anything except be in pain...thank you for loving me as me...loving me enough to never leave me just as I am...but wanting me to improve, to grow and transform into who I can be.
So much I know so little I do know
but I do know love
feel it so vividly
even when I hurt
and in the ache
and longing for you.
Eternal longings,
just to blend from now
into you
soul and soul entwined
and forever together
never to be gone again.
Hope beyond hope.
Such beauty
such need.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Let all Israel repeat:
What if the Lord had not been on our side
when people attacked us?
They would have swallowed us alive
in their burning anger.
The waters would have engulfed us;
a torrent would have overwhelmed us.
Yes, the raging waters of their fury
would have overwhelmed our very lives.
Praise the Lord,
who did not let their teeth tear us apart!
We escaped like a bird from a hunter’s trap.
The trap is broken, and we are free!
Our help is from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth."
-Psalm 124:1-8
It is nice to breath.
To have a cup of tea.
I am alive.
Here for the moment and soon to be gone.
Beauty that lasts from moment to moment,
hope that will live on beyond the fragile.
This personality, this soul
the need to feel and breath
leap and bound
from moment to moment
will stretch from now until forever
eternally laid out before Love
in such unknowable
vivid tones and colors.
Here now,
gone and soon.
But beauty while it lasts
as it evolves
and becomes more than it would have been
in any other form or sense.
Thank you for loving me in spite of my insanity and faulty ways...of carrying me when I'm too tired to do anything except be in pain...thank you for loving me as me...loving me enough to never leave me just as I am...but wanting me to improve, to grow and transform into who I can be.
So much I know so little I do know
but I do know love
feel it so vividly
even when I hurt
and in the ache
and longing for you.
Eternal longings,
just to blend from now
into you
soul and soul entwined
and forever together
never to be gone again.
Hope beyond hope.
Such beauty
such need.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
My soul feels a tad dingy...a bit dirty and needs to be cleaned off.
It's been sitting outside in the dirt for a little too long and needs to be shaken off before being allowed to come inside and play.
I guess part of the problem is my ability to see most black and white issues in various shades of gray and to know that no one is really the villain...as much as we all are just broken and confused people wandering around this triage unit called life.
That isn't to shirk responsibilities as much as it is just to say we are all equally dependent on some measure of grace to be able to breath and reach some sort of place where we can stop and have some juice to drink.
I guess that might be an appropriate metaphor for life.
We all are really just broken and wounded people walking around a sick bay with an opportunity to help those with the same injuries and pain we have experienced and dealt with...hmm...sometimes life is too real and too vivid for life.
It's been sitting outside in the dirt for a little too long and needs to be shaken off before being allowed to come inside and play.
I guess part of the problem is my ability to see most black and white issues in various shades of gray and to know that no one is really the villain...as much as we all are just broken and confused people wandering around this triage unit called life.
That isn't to shirk responsibilities as much as it is just to say we are all equally dependent on some measure of grace to be able to breath and reach some sort of place where we can stop and have some juice to drink.
I guess that might be an appropriate metaphor for life.
We all are really just broken and wounded people walking around a sick bay with an opportunity to help those with the same injuries and pain we have experienced and dealt with...hmm...sometimes life is too real and too vivid for life.
Friday, September 3, 2010
I have issues with facades...somethings seeming too good to be true...I'm not sure...may just be paranoia...and yet...I detect hints of...
Hrmm...
No need to judge on my part, just pray.
What more can you do to help someone who doesn't want help?
Or may not even need it.
That is the funny thing about being human...you never get the full picture of anything.
Hrmm...
No need to judge on my part, just pray.
What more can you do to help someone who doesn't want help?
Or may not even need it.
That is the funny thing about being human...you never get the full picture of anything.
"Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm here without a name in the palace of my shame
Love rescue me
In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm here without a name in the palace of my shame
Love rescue me
In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"
Psalm 123
"I lift my eyes to you,
O God, enthroned in heaven.
We keep looking to the Lord our God for his mercy,
just as servants keep their eyes on their master,
as a slave girl watches her mistress for the slightest signal.
Have mercy on us, Lord, have mercy,
for we have had our fill of contempt.
We have had more than our fill of the scoffing of the proud
and the contempt of the arrogant."
-Psalm 123:1-4
Mercy...such beauty, such wonder after a lifetime of trying to find perfection that can never be. I am so sick of trying to find something that isn't there...trying to beat myself to find a life that isn't there...and the bitterness and anger that comes from being disappointed with everything and nothing.
Can I let go?
I can I just let everything go?
Fall, fall into your arms and forget every pain and sin I have ever felt?
It is a new day, a new life, a new everything...and I just want to go back to sleep. Can that be my worship for now? Just enjoying another hour or two of sleep because I feel like crap?
I love you Daddy, I love you so much.
You are amazing and so beautiful to me.
I never know what will happens but even when horrible, horrible stuff happens you love me...and I can never thank you enough, worship or praise you enough.
Thank you.
Thank you for loving me as I am, not what I should be.
O God, enthroned in heaven.
We keep looking to the Lord our God for his mercy,
just as servants keep their eyes on their master,
as a slave girl watches her mistress for the slightest signal.
Have mercy on us, Lord, have mercy,
for we have had our fill of contempt.
We have had more than our fill of the scoffing of the proud
and the contempt of the arrogant."
-Psalm 123:1-4
Mercy...such beauty, such wonder after a lifetime of trying to find perfection that can never be. I am so sick of trying to find something that isn't there...trying to beat myself to find a life that isn't there...and the bitterness and anger that comes from being disappointed with everything and nothing.
Can I let go?
I can I just let everything go?
Fall, fall into your arms and forget every pain and sin I have ever felt?
It is a new day, a new life, a new everything...and I just want to go back to sleep. Can that be my worship for now? Just enjoying another hour or two of sleep because I feel like crap?
I love you Daddy, I love you so much.
You are amazing and so beautiful to me.
I never know what will happens but even when horrible, horrible stuff happens you love me...and I can never thank you enough, worship or praise you enough.
Thank you.
Thank you for loving me as I am, not what I should be.
Random Explosion of Thoughts and Exuberant Gratefulness
Life can never be as simple as a story or song...sadly in ways...
However there is something infinitely more wonderful about how messy, screwed up and disgusting as humans finding redemption and being able to make even the simplest things work.
Friendship.
Playing games.
Talking about books over coffee.
I never have stopped to appreciate just how amazing it is to be able to work on homework together and laugh over small things.
Yes I am excessively negative because I look at the wrong things a lot of the time...I see the imperfections and what things COULD be...which is maddening...and will never lead to happiness...however friendships where people are allowed to not have everything together...that is something I would like to see.
In fact...the Society of Scapegoats should have something like that in it's manifesto. Perfection is not allowed in our meetings, activities or friendships...perfect people are banned and will be set on fire if they persist in coming.
There is nothing perfect in human existence...and the fact God not only desires us, but thinks of us, longs for us to be near in spite of that shows what an utter madman he is. He doesn't desire even the wicked to perish...even the worst of us...and how Jesus had true humanity...it is amazing, beyond amazing...just this visceral love...this painful love that makes my heart ache...and desire to just hug Jesus and cry out every last ounce of anguish joy inside of me.
I think I love U2's music so much because the songs capture emotion or a moment so well...this element of worship that transcends and makes my Christian mystic/hermit tendencies all happy, warm and fuzzy inside...
I don't even know what I am rambling about...except I am happy to be alive this very moment. I could have died any infinite number of times...and I love my mother, my friends, my dear sweet friends so very much...they are this collection of rag tag individuals all misfits from the church but all amazing in their own ways.
Who says we must be perfect?
Who demands it?
Humans demand it when God knows we can't do it?
How silly and futile.
Jesus thank you being so utterly wacky and insane to have made me and love me as I am. Do you know and realize how utterly screwed up that is? How insane and crazy I am? Do you?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
However there is something infinitely more wonderful about how messy, screwed up and disgusting as humans finding redemption and being able to make even the simplest things work.
Friendship.
Playing games.
Talking about books over coffee.
I never have stopped to appreciate just how amazing it is to be able to work on homework together and laugh over small things.
Yes I am excessively negative because I look at the wrong things a lot of the time...I see the imperfections and what things COULD be...which is maddening...and will never lead to happiness...however friendships where people are allowed to not have everything together...that is something I would like to see.
In fact...the Society of Scapegoats should have something like that in it's manifesto. Perfection is not allowed in our meetings, activities or friendships...perfect people are banned and will be set on fire if they persist in coming.
There is nothing perfect in human existence...and the fact God not only desires us, but thinks of us, longs for us to be near in spite of that shows what an utter madman he is. He doesn't desire even the wicked to perish...even the worst of us...and how Jesus had true humanity...it is amazing, beyond amazing...just this visceral love...this painful love that makes my heart ache...and desire to just hug Jesus and cry out every last ounce of anguish joy inside of me.
I think I love U2's music so much because the songs capture emotion or a moment so well...this element of worship that transcends and makes my Christian mystic/hermit tendencies all happy, warm and fuzzy inside...
I don't even know what I am rambling about...except I am happy to be alive this very moment. I could have died any infinite number of times...and I love my mother, my friends, my dear sweet friends so very much...they are this collection of rag tag individuals all misfits from the church but all amazing in their own ways.
Who says we must be perfect?
Who demands it?
Humans demand it when God knows we can't do it?
How silly and futile.
Jesus thank you being so utterly wacky and insane to have made me and love me as I am. Do you know and realize how utterly screwed up that is? How insane and crazy I am? Do you?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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