"In this time of introspection
on the eve of my election
I say to my reflection
God, please spare me more rejection
'cause my peers, they criticize me
and my ex-wives all despise me
try to put it all behind me
but my redneck past is nipping at my heels"
-Ben Folds Five, "Army",
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Aiiiarrrgh!!!
I just missed Showbread.
They played forty five minutes from my house.
It was an early evening concert.
It was tonight.
Ten dollars.
God what are you doing to me?
They played forty five minutes from my house.
It was an early evening concert.
It was tonight.
Ten dollars.
God what are you doing to me?
1 Corinthians 4:1-15
Don't imagine us leaders to be something we aren't. We are servants of Christ, not his masters. We are guides into God's most sublime secrets, not security guards posted to protect them. The requirements for a good guide are reliability and accurate knowledge. It matters very little to me what you think of me, even less where I rank in popular opinion. I don't even rank myself. Comparisons in these matters are pointless. I'm not aware of anything that would disqualify me from being a good guide for you, but that doesn't mean much. The Master makes that judgment.
So don't get ahead of the Master and jump to conclusions with your judgments before all the evidence is in. When he comes, he will bring out in the open and place in evidence all kinds of things we never even dreamed of—inner motives and purposes and prayers. Only then will any one of us get to hear the "Well done!" of God.
All I'm doing right now, friends, is showing how these things pertain to Apollos and me so that you will learn restraint and not rush into making judgments without knowing all the facts. It's important to look at things from God's point of view. I would rather not see you inflating or deflating reputations based on mere hearsay.
For who do you know that really knows you, knows your heart? And even if they did, is there anything they would discover in you that you could take credit for? Isn't everything you have and everything you are sheer gifts from God? So what's the point of all this comparing and competing? You already have all you need. You already have more access to God than you can handle. Without bringing either Apollos or me into it, you're sitting on top of the world—at least God's world—and we're right there, sitting alongside you!
It seems to me that God has put us who bear his Message on stage in a theater in which no one wants to buy a ticket. We're something everyone stands around and stares at, like an accident in the street. We're the Messiah's misfits. You might be sure of yourselves, but we live in the midst of frailties and uncertainties. You might be well-thought-of by others, but we're mostly kicked around. Much of the time we don't have enough to eat, we wear patched and threadbare clothes, we get doors slammed in our faces, and we pick up odd jobs anywhere we can to eke out a living. When they call us names, we say, "God bless you." When they spread rumors about us, we put in a good word for them. We're treated like garbage, potato peelings from the culture's kitchen. And it's not getting any better.
I'm not writing all this as a neighborhood scold just to make you feel rotten. I'm writing as a father to you, my children. I love you and want you to grow up well, not spoiled. There are a lot of people around who can't wait to tell you what you've done wrong, but there aren't many fathers willing to take the time and effort to help you grow up. It was as Jesus helped me proclaim God's Message to you that I became your father. I'm not, you know, asking you to do anything I'm not already doing myself.
So don't get ahead of the Master and jump to conclusions with your judgments before all the evidence is in. When he comes, he will bring out in the open and place in evidence all kinds of things we never even dreamed of—inner motives and purposes and prayers. Only then will any one of us get to hear the "Well done!" of God.
All I'm doing right now, friends, is showing how these things pertain to Apollos and me so that you will learn restraint and not rush into making judgments without knowing all the facts. It's important to look at things from God's point of view. I would rather not see you inflating or deflating reputations based on mere hearsay.
For who do you know that really knows you, knows your heart? And even if they did, is there anything they would discover in you that you could take credit for? Isn't everything you have and everything you are sheer gifts from God? So what's the point of all this comparing and competing? You already have all you need. You already have more access to God than you can handle. Without bringing either Apollos or me into it, you're sitting on top of the world—at least God's world—and we're right there, sitting alongside you!
It seems to me that God has put us who bear his Message on stage in a theater in which no one wants to buy a ticket. We're something everyone stands around and stares at, like an accident in the street. We're the Messiah's misfits. You might be sure of yourselves, but we live in the midst of frailties and uncertainties. You might be well-thought-of by others, but we're mostly kicked around. Much of the time we don't have enough to eat, we wear patched and threadbare clothes, we get doors slammed in our faces, and we pick up odd jobs anywhere we can to eke out a living. When they call us names, we say, "God bless you." When they spread rumors about us, we put in a good word for them. We're treated like garbage, potato peelings from the culture's kitchen. And it's not getting any better.
I'm not writing all this as a neighborhood scold just to make you feel rotten. I'm writing as a father to you, my children. I love you and want you to grow up well, not spoiled. There are a lot of people around who can't wait to tell you what you've done wrong, but there aren't many fathers willing to take the time and effort to help you grow up. It was as Jesus helped me proclaim God's Message to you that I became your father. I'm not, you know, asking you to do anything I'm not already doing myself.
Speaking of Garbage
What is this faith of mine?
What is it I truly believe?
I've been on this Jesus kick since I was nine years old and I've been playing at being Bono since age fourteen.
What is this faith?
Is it because of this deep set empathy I have, seeing people hurting and feel that hurt in my soul, that causes me to fall on broken knees crying?
Is it for faith that I cut myself with words of criticism and bitter hate?
Is it for faith that I disgrace myself day in and out being reluctant to choose or decide?
Is it for faith that I have forgotten the Face of my Father?
Is it for love that I curse and spite those who disagree with me?
Is it for the sake of hope that I bring myself low just so I can open my eyes to see people stare at me?
Has this been a farce?
Has this all been an obscene parade with the focus on myself?
"We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. We have become the scum of the earth, the garbage of the world—right up to this moment."
-1 Corinthians 4:12
What is it I truly believe?
I've been on this Jesus kick since I was nine years old and I've been playing at being Bono since age fourteen.
What is this faith?
Is it because of this deep set empathy I have, seeing people hurting and feel that hurt in my soul, that causes me to fall on broken knees crying?
Is it for faith that I cut myself with words of criticism and bitter hate?
Is it for faith that I disgrace myself day in and out being reluctant to choose or decide?
Is it for faith that I have forgotten the Face of my Father?
Is it for love that I curse and spite those who disagree with me?
Is it for the sake of hope that I bring myself low just so I can open my eyes to see people stare at me?
Has this been a farce?
Has this all been an obscene parade with the focus on myself?
"We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. We have become the scum of the earth, the garbage of the world—right up to this moment."
-1 Corinthians 4:12
I can bike a half hour and cause my lungs to burn and my body to ache...my heart to burn and my eyes to cry...but it cannot silence my mind nor my soul...nothing silences their pestilence bickering.
Words in the darkness...crying out you are never alone.
Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.
The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep pilling
Up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountain is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace.
Dear God...
Increase.
Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Your's,
Only You can make every new day seem so new.
Hallelujah.
Words in the darkness...crying out you are never alone.
Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.
The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep pilling
Up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountain is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace.
Dear God...
Increase.
Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Your's,
Only You can make every new day seem so new.
Hallelujah.
Friday, August 14, 2009
"The Road goes ever on..."
Right now I'm listening to a mixture of Ben Folds and Streetlight Manifesto so I can pass the time until I leave. It's not that I miss home (I do miss Home Home however, if it is possible to miss somewhere you've never been) but I'm so exhausted from the shared space. I do not understand how people are able to be in enclosed areas like this and not go crazy.
Regardless the future awaits.
Yesterday I went to have a consult with the pain doctor and his number one suggestion for me was to go to a three week pain management course so that my symptoms do not worsen and hopefully it will lead to me getting a somewhat better sense of this magical thing called 'health'.
The only foreseeable problem is that this place is located in a distant land known as Rochester, Minnesota. Turns out it is a real state and is south of this strange land called Canada that I thought existed only in John Candy films. Who knew health care would also teach me elementary level geography?
I'll find out in the coming weeks whether or not Insurance will pay for this, if I can get in and when exactly I'll be there. Assuming things go through with the clinic I'm looking into staying with friends both before and after so this is looking like this might turn into a month (+) longer exodus.
It's been a strange week. More than I can ever write about happened...strange thoughts and occurrences...people I will never see...paintings that were made of various shades of living color.
It's been easy for me to live with this notion that one day everything will slide into place...clarity will come and everything will be waiting for me. As if the Universe would hold everything out on a silver etched platter and then the Universe would just tip his at at me and walk off with a stride that would make
Zaphod Beeblebrox blush.
I do believe everything happens as it will for a purpose. Some might call it faith, predestination, ka, politics, karma, life, drugs or whatever...I think of it as being the love of God holding us and letting us live despite our screw ups.
I don't know how to stop and just breath. To be able to look around and enjoy the smells, sounds and taste of where I am...I have few enjoyable moments of just enjoying life from college. Not that people didn't try to involve me but I was too busy with my own world to really just be thankful I was enjoying standing there.
If that makes sense.
I almost feel that I'm over thinking over thinking.
"There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you
While the world is watching
All you need is the thing you forgotten
And that's to learn to live with what you are"
-Ben Folds, "Learn to Live With What You Are"
The point, I think, is that...it is nice to just sit here on this hotel bed and watch the sun rise over the Atlantic ocean. It is nice to stretch my legs out and feel the sheets just lay there. It's nice to know that I can breath and just think for a few more moments.
I want simply try to enjoy and not let so many small things annoy me beyond expression.
I don't know where this road is going...and for now I think that is okay. I've got my laptop in one hand, my Bible in another, my backpack loaded up and my baseball bat on standby.
World I am ready.
"The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say. "
-Frodo Baggins
Regardless the future awaits.
Yesterday I went to have a consult with the pain doctor and his number one suggestion for me was to go to a three week pain management course so that my symptoms do not worsen and hopefully it will lead to me getting a somewhat better sense of this magical thing called 'health'.
The only foreseeable problem is that this place is located in a distant land known as Rochester, Minnesota. Turns out it is a real state and is south of this strange land called Canada that I thought existed only in John Candy films. Who knew health care would also teach me elementary level geography?
I'll find out in the coming weeks whether or not Insurance will pay for this, if I can get in and when exactly I'll be there. Assuming things go through with the clinic I'm looking into staying with friends both before and after so this is looking like this might turn into a month (+) longer exodus.
It's been a strange week. More than I can ever write about happened...strange thoughts and occurrences...people I will never see...paintings that were made of various shades of living color.
It's been easy for me to live with this notion that one day everything will slide into place...clarity will come and everything will be waiting for me. As if the Universe would hold everything out on a silver etched platter and then the Universe would just tip his at at me and walk off with a stride that would make
Zaphod Beeblebrox blush.
I do believe everything happens as it will for a purpose. Some might call it faith, predestination, ka, politics, karma, life, drugs or whatever...I think of it as being the love of God holding us and letting us live despite our screw ups.
I don't know how to stop and just breath. To be able to look around and enjoy the smells, sounds and taste of where I am...I have few enjoyable moments of just enjoying life from college. Not that people didn't try to involve me but I was too busy with my own world to really just be thankful I was enjoying standing there.
If that makes sense.
I almost feel that I'm over thinking over thinking.
"There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you
While the world is watching
All you need is the thing you forgotten
And that's to learn to live with what you are"
-Ben Folds, "Learn to Live With What You Are"
The point, I think, is that...it is nice to just sit here on this hotel bed and watch the sun rise over the Atlantic ocean. It is nice to stretch my legs out and feel the sheets just lay there. It's nice to know that I can breath and just think for a few more moments.
I want simply try to enjoy and not let so many small things annoy me beyond expression.
I don't know where this road is going...and for now I think that is okay. I've got my laptop in one hand, my Bible in another, my backpack loaded up and my baseball bat on standby.
World I am ready.
"The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say. "
-Frodo Baggins
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Galatians 2:20-21
What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law man" so that I could be God's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Rod
Tonight I was upset.
Too much stress and too little means in ways of dealing with it, so I went for a walk before I just exploded.
I walked along the beach, past the pier and several sand castles and just watched the endless horizon; the sea and sky juxtaposition to the end of the world, crossing but never touching one another.
I saw lightning flicker and walked more.
I walked back and went up and down the board walk, past the clubs and bars, past the tacky souvenir shops and the restaurants. I walked past a guy shouting some Bible verses very loudly towards another guy who was sitting down on a bench. I walked a little further and heard vague quotes from Matthew that sounded like they were used more for morality bashing rather then love.
As I was walking back past the guy on the bench he said 'Hi.' and I stopped. I looked at him and said hey. He asked me to sit down and I did.
He asked if I was homeless or just in the hotel, I mentioned the hotel and welcomed me to his home. Which begs the question, do I always dress like a hobo or was tonight just a special divine occasion?
We talked about thirty minutes or so, periodically being interrupted by his friends many of whom were either drunk or going through drug withdrawals...very tense moments at times but it was something special.
Rod served in the military doing construction and mentioned serving in Afghanistan during the 80's. He said he almost was able to finish his work for massage therapy and get licensed but his mother died and that started him off into a spiral of drugs, both illicit and pharmaceutical, booze and trying to find himself.
Originally he was from North Carolina but found himself at Jacksonville Beach somehow.
He mentioned about how he washed tires and told jokes to try and earn enough money to be able to afford cigarettes and the beer to try and keep his drug withdrawals down. I'm not sure if jusice is a euphemism for something that else that is bad for the body but he asked if he could tell a couple of jokes to have enough money so he could have something to drink.
I obliged him and sadly the jokes were incredibly vulgar (yes I did laugh) and so vulgar that I can't share them on here.
About this time I asked him about the cross he was wearing...he mentioned how he was given the cross and a hundred dollar bill by a guy who wanted to help him. I asked him if he was a believer and he said yes, so much so that him and one of his drunk friends immediately sat down and started praying for me.
That was...something special.
I am too proud for my own good. I won't ask for something because I'm afraid of being told no...or looking like an idiot...but something I've wanted so much this week is for someone...my family or whatever to pray over me, pray for me and with me. It never has to be fancy words but just having someone willing to hold my hand and say 'It's going to be okay, Jesus loves so much and this is going to be okay'...and I know some of you have done so much that I could never repay...and thank you...but sometimes having it in person goes so far.
But these guys...no home, addictions, cancers, pain, heart breaks, disappointments, disillusionment, social stigmas...so much going against them and they are my brothers in faith. They believe ardently that Jesus loves them with a passion that will never cease, that as long as their heart beats that they are beloved by God...that no matter how people look down on them, spit on them, make fun of them...that despise their inability to be perfect Jesus loves them for them.
There is this prevalent lie that perfection and Christianity is somehow supposed to be hand in hand. I don't know if it is just people wanting to see those who claim to be saved fall...or our egos...but this is such garbage. I hate people over quoting Romans but it's true...none of us have our act together...what is better? To be a blind rich man in a condo with no sense of truth...or a beggar who sees the colors of life and has to trust the same God who feeds the birds will feed him?
"So where does that put us? Do we Jews get a better break than the others? Not really. Basically, all of us, whether insiders or outsiders, start out in identical conditions, which is to say that we all start out as sinners. Scripture leaves no doubt about it:
There's nobody living right, not even one,
nobody who knows the score, nobody alert for God.
They've all taken the wrong turn;
they've all wandered down blind alleys.
No one's living right;
I can't find a single one.
Their throats are gaping graves,
their tongues slick as mudslides.
Every word they speak is tinged with poison.
They open their mouths and pollute the air.
They race for the honor of sinner-of-the-year,
litter the land with heartbreak and ruin,
Don't know the first thing about living with others.
They never give God the time of day.
This makes it clear, doesn't it, that whatever is written in these Scriptures is not what God says about others but to us to whom these Scriptures were addressed in the first place! And it's clear enough, isn't it, that we're sinners, every one of us, in the same sinking boat with everybody else? Our involvement with God's revelation doesn't put us right with God. What it does is force us to face our complicity in everyone else's sin."
-Romans 3:9-20
People spend their time feeling pity for the poor...but maybe it is they who really pity us. Not just the American beggars but those starving in Africa, the Christians and Democratic protesters being beaten and tortured in Iran and a dozen other countries around the world...maybe it is those who see the American church as the over bloated and sad caricature that it is pities us...because they can see what we can't see...that it's the sick who need a doctor...and God are we so very sick.
I don't know if I will see Rod again here...but we promised to see each other when we both get to the Kingdom, that I cannot wait for.
Too much stress and too little means in ways of dealing with it, so I went for a walk before I just exploded.
I walked along the beach, past the pier and several sand castles and just watched the endless horizon; the sea and sky juxtaposition to the end of the world, crossing but never touching one another.
I saw lightning flicker and walked more.
I walked back and went up and down the board walk, past the clubs and bars, past the tacky souvenir shops and the restaurants. I walked past a guy shouting some Bible verses very loudly towards another guy who was sitting down on a bench. I walked a little further and heard vague quotes from Matthew that sounded like they were used more for morality bashing rather then love.
As I was walking back past the guy on the bench he said 'Hi.' and I stopped. I looked at him and said hey. He asked me to sit down and I did.
He asked if I was homeless or just in the hotel, I mentioned the hotel and welcomed me to his home. Which begs the question, do I always dress like a hobo or was tonight just a special divine occasion?
We talked about thirty minutes or so, periodically being interrupted by his friends many of whom were either drunk or going through drug withdrawals...very tense moments at times but it was something special.
Rod served in the military doing construction and mentioned serving in Afghanistan during the 80's. He said he almost was able to finish his work for massage therapy and get licensed but his mother died and that started him off into a spiral of drugs, both illicit and pharmaceutical, booze and trying to find himself.
Originally he was from North Carolina but found himself at Jacksonville Beach somehow.
He mentioned about how he washed tires and told jokes to try and earn enough money to be able to afford cigarettes and the beer to try and keep his drug withdrawals down. I'm not sure if jusice is a euphemism for something that else that is bad for the body but he asked if he could tell a couple of jokes to have enough money so he could have something to drink.
I obliged him and sadly the jokes were incredibly vulgar (yes I did laugh) and so vulgar that I can't share them on here.
About this time I asked him about the cross he was wearing...he mentioned how he was given the cross and a hundred dollar bill by a guy who wanted to help him. I asked him if he was a believer and he said yes, so much so that him and one of his drunk friends immediately sat down and started praying for me.
That was...something special.
I am too proud for my own good. I won't ask for something because I'm afraid of being told no...or looking like an idiot...but something I've wanted so much this week is for someone...my family or whatever to pray over me, pray for me and with me. It never has to be fancy words but just having someone willing to hold my hand and say 'It's going to be okay, Jesus loves so much and this is going to be okay'...and I know some of you have done so much that I could never repay...and thank you...but sometimes having it in person goes so far.
But these guys...no home, addictions, cancers, pain, heart breaks, disappointments, disillusionment, social stigmas...so much going against them and they are my brothers in faith. They believe ardently that Jesus loves them with a passion that will never cease, that as long as their heart beats that they are beloved by God...that no matter how people look down on them, spit on them, make fun of them...that despise their inability to be perfect Jesus loves them for them.
There is this prevalent lie that perfection and Christianity is somehow supposed to be hand in hand. I don't know if it is just people wanting to see those who claim to be saved fall...or our egos...but this is such garbage. I hate people over quoting Romans but it's true...none of us have our act together...what is better? To be a blind rich man in a condo with no sense of truth...or a beggar who sees the colors of life and has to trust the same God who feeds the birds will feed him?
"So where does that put us? Do we Jews get a better break than the others? Not really. Basically, all of us, whether insiders or outsiders, start out in identical conditions, which is to say that we all start out as sinners. Scripture leaves no doubt about it:
There's nobody living right, not even one,
nobody who knows the score, nobody alert for God.
They've all taken the wrong turn;
they've all wandered down blind alleys.
No one's living right;
I can't find a single one.
Their throats are gaping graves,
their tongues slick as mudslides.
Every word they speak is tinged with poison.
They open their mouths and pollute the air.
They race for the honor of sinner-of-the-year,
litter the land with heartbreak and ruin,
Don't know the first thing about living with others.
They never give God the time of day.
This makes it clear, doesn't it, that whatever is written in these Scriptures is not what God says about others but to us to whom these Scriptures were addressed in the first place! And it's clear enough, isn't it, that we're sinners, every one of us, in the same sinking boat with everybody else? Our involvement with God's revelation doesn't put us right with God. What it does is force us to face our complicity in everyone else's sin."
-Romans 3:9-20
People spend their time feeling pity for the poor...but maybe it is they who really pity us. Not just the American beggars but those starving in Africa, the Christians and Democratic protesters being beaten and tortured in Iran and a dozen other countries around the world...maybe it is those who see the American church as the over bloated and sad caricature that it is pities us...because they can see what we can't see...that it's the sick who need a doctor...and God are we so very sick.
I don't know if I will see Rod again here...but we promised to see each other when we both get to the Kingdom, that I cannot wait for.
Tentative Diagnosis
Today during my second doctors appointment he suggested that I might be suffering from Fibromyalgia, which far from being good news it is much better than it could be.
Rather then try and explain the disease I'll post some links and let you go read and come back at your leisure.
Take your time.
I'll wait for you I promise.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/DS00079/DSECTION=symptoms
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/AR00056
...back?
Okay good.
What does this mean?
I'm actually happy to have some sort of label for my problems...more than once I have thought that (and have been told by what I assume are well meaning people) that I was, to be blunt, insane. I would be in excruciating pain one day and the next in moderate pain. No real patterns existed except pain. So to a degree I feel a certain kind of validation...now that I know what the problem is I can start trying to work towards some sort of solution.
It's a fresh of breath air.
Tomorrow I'm meeting with a doctor at the clinic to talk about treatment options as well as a list of diagnostic questions I have to try and rule out some other possible diseases that could be contributing to things.
Things are still tense around here...I've never been a big fan of family vacations to begin with but certain factors out of my control are making things...extra stressful.
Depending what happens in the morning we may be staying another couple nights or coming home...it just depends on the next doctor appointment. So...we shall see.
Thanks for all the prayers and support. We'll see how deep this particular rabbit hole goes...
Rather then try and explain the disease I'll post some links and let you go read and come back at your leisure.
Take your time.
I'll wait for you I promise.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/DS00079/DSECTION=symptoms
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/AR00056
...back?
Okay good.
What does this mean?
I'm actually happy to have some sort of label for my problems...more than once I have thought that (and have been told by what I assume are well meaning people) that I was, to be blunt, insane. I would be in excruciating pain one day and the next in moderate pain. No real patterns existed except pain. So to a degree I feel a certain kind of validation...now that I know what the problem is I can start trying to work towards some sort of solution.
It's a fresh of breath air.
Tomorrow I'm meeting with a doctor at the clinic to talk about treatment options as well as a list of diagnostic questions I have to try and rule out some other possible diseases that could be contributing to things.
Things are still tense around here...I've never been a big fan of family vacations to begin with but certain factors out of my control are making things...extra stressful.
Depending what happens in the morning we may be staying another couple nights or coming home...it just depends on the next doctor appointment. So...we shall see.
Thanks for all the prayers and support. We'll see how deep this particular rabbit hole goes...
I need to write...my stress levels are peaking out and I feel like I'm going to throw up from pure stress...I hate being in close quarters with my family...I'm a horrible son for not trying to work at bringing things together better...but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one attempting to be an adult...and it's been that way for what feels like twenty years...
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