Mind barely able to function.
Throat burns.
Mind so clouded.
I just do not understand
the how and.
There is very few answers offered
so in a way it doesn't matter how you come
or really even why.
None good enough,
not even for me.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Touch of a Muse
The burning cancer in me
speaks in verse
demanding attention
the breaking of my spirit
and bending of my knees.
I can't remmeber the last time I saw Your face,
the last time I felt Your touch,
the last moment I didn't doubt everything.
If pain is the only thing left in creation
than let this end.
End all this pain and make this all new.
If there is hope to own
then dear God bring us back to life again.
My heart is such a black, broken and fetid thing.
I never knew pain felt so much like pain
and that faith would feel like fire in my bones
burning with no relief.
I never knew the journey we started together
would one day lead us here,
to this point of irreducible complexity
of both our hearts and minds interlocking
and being graced by the lips and breath of an angel.
speaks in verse
demanding attention
the breaking of my spirit
and bending of my knees.
I can't remmeber the last time I saw Your face,
the last time I felt Your touch,
the last moment I didn't doubt everything.
If pain is the only thing left in creation
than let this end.
End all this pain and make this all new.
If there is hope to own
then dear God bring us back to life again.
My heart is such a black, broken and fetid thing.
I never knew pain felt so much like pain
and that faith would feel like fire in my bones
burning with no relief.
I never knew the journey we started together
would one day lead us here,
to this point of irreducible complexity
of both our hearts and minds interlocking
and being graced by the lips and breath of an angel.
"Lead Us Home" - Demon Hunter
One more day
This time I’ll bite the bullet
Let me stay
And set this life ablaze
Give myself to compromise
And let the hammer fall
From blackened eyes to broken ties
I’ve bled to know them all
Driven to the brink of death
I heed deceptions call
Through bitter tears, forgotten years
I’ve come to sever all
Lead us home
Lead us home
Our tired hearts are failing now, from the inside out
Lead us home
One more time
This day I kill the witness
Take back what’s mine
And give disgrace a name
Give myself to compromise
And let the hammer fall
From blackened eyes to broken ties
I’ve bled to know them all
Driven to the brink of death
I heed deceptions call
Through bitter tears, forgotten years
I’ve come to sever all
Lead us home
Lead us home
Our tired hearts are failing now, from the inside out
Lead us home
Blessed hands will tear me off
And break me at the wrist
Drag me back to solid ground
And slay the fate I kiss
Lead us home
Lead us home
Our tired hearts are failing now, from the inside out
Lead us home
This time I’ll bite the bullet
Let me stay
And set this life ablaze
Give myself to compromise
And let the hammer fall
From blackened eyes to broken ties
I’ve bled to know them all
Driven to the brink of death
I heed deceptions call
Through bitter tears, forgotten years
I’ve come to sever all
Lead us home
Lead us home
Our tired hearts are failing now, from the inside out
Lead us home
One more time
This day I kill the witness
Take back what’s mine
And give disgrace a name
Give myself to compromise
And let the hammer fall
From blackened eyes to broken ties
I’ve bled to know them all
Driven to the brink of death
I heed deceptions call
Through bitter tears, forgotten years
I’ve come to sever all
Lead us home
Lead us home
Our tired hearts are failing now, from the inside out
Lead us home
Blessed hands will tear me off
And break me at the wrist
Drag me back to solid ground
And slay the fate I kiss
Lead us home
Lead us home
Our tired hearts are failing now, from the inside out
Lead us home
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Dark in the Day
More pain, more death.
What is next?
Will this cycle every end?
How much more pain will we have to endure
while we wait for your return?
How much is truth?
How much is fable?
What are the lies we tell ourselves,
just so we can sleep at night?
How can I ever love these people
when I hate myself?
How will I ever lead anyone
when I am so unsure myself?
When will your light burn
and love manifest itself?
How many more tears will be shed,
who will be the next to leave?
How can we know what is next?
Does your love endure beyond the grave?
Will you be there on that final day
to hold my hand
and keep me close when I at last fade?
Home seems like an impossible concept.
This impossible fable of hope.
That love can endure this world,
that your peace and grace are something more.
What is truth?
Questions floating in a void of doubt
come back to my side even though
I am the one who ran from you
and embrace myself.
Lead me home to your side
where eternity stretches
past the breadth of my failure
and the width of the chasm of sin
which separated us for all these years.
Take me,
mold me,
break me,
love me
and never leave me
like I left You.
Your love is new forever,
every day renewed
and more beautiful than before.
Amen and amen.
What is next?
Will this cycle every end?
How much more pain will we have to endure
while we wait for your return?
How much is truth?
How much is fable?
What are the lies we tell ourselves,
just so we can sleep at night?
How can I ever love these people
when I hate myself?
How will I ever lead anyone
when I am so unsure myself?
When will your light burn
and love manifest itself?
How many more tears will be shed,
who will be the next to leave?
How can we know what is next?
Does your love endure beyond the grave?
Will you be there on that final day
to hold my hand
and keep me close when I at last fade?
Home seems like an impossible concept.
This impossible fable of hope.
That love can endure this world,
that your peace and grace are something more.
What is truth?
Questions floating in a void of doubt
come back to my side even though
I am the one who ran from you
and embrace myself.
Lead me home to your side
where eternity stretches
past the breadth of my failure
and the width of the chasm of sin
which separated us for all these years.
Take me,
mold me,
break me,
love me
and never leave me
like I left You.
Your love is new forever,
every day renewed
and more beautiful than before.
Amen and amen.
Ecclesiastes 7
1 A good reputation is better than a fat bank account. Your death date tells more than your birth date.
2 You learn more at a funeral than at a feast—
After all, that's where we'll end up. We might discover
something from it.
3 Crying is better than laughing.
It blotches the face but it scours the heart.
4 Sages invest themselves in hurt and grieving.
Fools waste their lives in fun and games.
5 You'll get more from the rebuke of a sage
Than from the song and dance of fools.
6 The giggles of fools are like the crackling of twigs
Under the cooking pot. And like smoke.
7 Brutality stupefies even the wise
And destroys the strongest heart.
8 Endings are better than beginnings.
Sticking to it is better than standing out.
9 Don't be quick to fly off the handle.
Anger boomerangs. You can spot a fool by the lumps on his head.
10 Don't always be asking, "Where are the good old days?"
Wise folks don't ask questions like that.
11-12 Wisdom is better when it's paired with money,
Especially if you get both while you're still living.
Double protection: wisdom and wealth!
Plus this bonus: Wisdom energizes its owner.
13 Take a good look at God's work.
Who could simplify and reduce Creation's curves and angles
To a plain straight line?
14 On a good day, enjoy yourself;
On a bad day, examine your conscience.
God arranges for both kinds of days
So that we won't take anything for granted.
15-17 I've seen it all in my brief and pointless life—here a good person cut down in the middle of doing good, there a bad person living a long life of sheer evil. So don't knock yourself out being good, and don't go overboard being wise. Believe me, you won't get anything out of it. But don't press your luck by being bad, either. And don't be reckless. Why die needlessly?
18 It's best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.
19 Wisdom puts more strength in one wise person
Than ten strong men give to a city.
20 There's not one totally good person on earth,
Not one who is truly pure and sinless.
21-22 Don't eavesdrop on the conversation of others.
What if the gossip's about you and you'd rather not hear it?
You've done that a few times, haven't you—said things
Behind someone's back you wouldn't say to his face?
23-25 I tested everything in my search for wisdom. I set out to be wise, but it was beyond me, far beyond me, and deep—oh so deep! Does anyone ever find it? I concentrated with all my might, studying and exploring and seeking wisdom—the meaning of life. I also wanted to identify evil and stupidity, foolishness and craziness.
26-29 One discovery: A woman can be a bitter pill to swallow, full of seductive scheming and grasping. The lucky escape her; the undiscerning get caught. At least this is my experience—what I, the Quester, have pieced together as I've tried to make sense of life. But the wisdom I've looked for I haven't found. I didn't find one man or woman in a thousand worth my while. Yet I did spot one ray of light in this murk: God made men and women true and upright; we're the ones who've made a mess of things.
2 You learn more at a funeral than at a feast—
After all, that's where we'll end up. We might discover
something from it.
3 Crying is better than laughing.
It blotches the face but it scours the heart.
4 Sages invest themselves in hurt and grieving.
Fools waste their lives in fun and games.
5 You'll get more from the rebuke of a sage
Than from the song and dance of fools.
6 The giggles of fools are like the crackling of twigs
Under the cooking pot. And like smoke.
7 Brutality stupefies even the wise
And destroys the strongest heart.
8 Endings are better than beginnings.
Sticking to it is better than standing out.
9 Don't be quick to fly off the handle.
Anger boomerangs. You can spot a fool by the lumps on his head.
10 Don't always be asking, "Where are the good old days?"
Wise folks don't ask questions like that.
11-12 Wisdom is better when it's paired with money,
Especially if you get both while you're still living.
Double protection: wisdom and wealth!
Plus this bonus: Wisdom energizes its owner.
13 Take a good look at God's work.
Who could simplify and reduce Creation's curves and angles
To a plain straight line?
14 On a good day, enjoy yourself;
On a bad day, examine your conscience.
God arranges for both kinds of days
So that we won't take anything for granted.
15-17 I've seen it all in my brief and pointless life—here a good person cut down in the middle of doing good, there a bad person living a long life of sheer evil. So don't knock yourself out being good, and don't go overboard being wise. Believe me, you won't get anything out of it. But don't press your luck by being bad, either. And don't be reckless. Why die needlessly?
18 It's best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.
19 Wisdom puts more strength in one wise person
Than ten strong men give to a city.
20 There's not one totally good person on earth,
Not one who is truly pure and sinless.
21-22 Don't eavesdrop on the conversation of others.
What if the gossip's about you and you'd rather not hear it?
You've done that a few times, haven't you—said things
Behind someone's back you wouldn't say to his face?
23-25 I tested everything in my search for wisdom. I set out to be wise, but it was beyond me, far beyond me, and deep—oh so deep! Does anyone ever find it? I concentrated with all my might, studying and exploring and seeking wisdom—the meaning of life. I also wanted to identify evil and stupidity, foolishness and craziness.
26-29 One discovery: A woman can be a bitter pill to swallow, full of seductive scheming and grasping. The lucky escape her; the undiscerning get caught. At least this is my experience—what I, the Quester, have pieced together as I've tried to make sense of life. But the wisdom I've looked for I haven't found. I didn't find one man or woman in a thousand worth my while. Yet I did spot one ray of light in this murk: God made men and women true and upright; we're the ones who've made a mess of things.
Sunday Bloody Sunday
These days I do not preach very often.
I have a degree in pastoral ministries from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary as well as a bachelor of Arts in Christian Studies with an emphasis in pastoral ministries (as well as a bachelor of Arts in Humanities but that is beside the point at this point).
It has been a couple of years since I've taught on a regular basis, a few years since I've done anything I would qualify as being "preaching".
Ever since I was about fourteen I started on a path towards doing 'ministry', 'preaching' whatever all that means. Honestly I'm not sure myself and I've spent a lot of time thinking about those terms and trying to try and come to some real conclusion.
About the time I graduated from high school and started college some events transpired that gave me a foul taste in my mouth concerning church and ministry. Since that time I've had trouble going to church and interacting with Christians. To a large degree I started to develop a distrust and at times a self righteous disgust of Christians.
I got tired of the cliches, tired of the mind games, tired of the politics, tired of the lame jokes and the stupid suits and ties. I got burned out and bitter. I would hear expressions like "God bless you" "God Bless the USA", "Jesus loves you" and see the thousands and at times millions of dollars poured into buildings and programs to entertain the people in church while at the time ignoring those living in poverty just a few miles down the road.
I have and still see Jesus being used as a political tool, some sort of rally cry to gather protesters...as if using Jesus in your slogans would somehow make your cause 'righteous' and 'good'.
If I was to be perfectly honest I think I would be branded both crazed and a heretic. I don't feel I'm that crazy or heretical just that Jesus doesn't divide people based on ethnicity, social class, skin color, religion or anything else people have invented just so they can look down on others. I have serious doubt that Jesus supports the Republican, the Democrats or the Green party...or any political body for that matter. Politicians are just like the rest of us and only care about their immediate concerns.
I could go on about this but for those interested in doing a little background reading about this check out 1 Samuel 8-10
I could go on with this but I'm not going to, that isn't the exact point of this letter, sermon or whatever you want to call it. I don't know what it is exactly. I just know I've seen a lot of broken lives, heard so many stories and just know that this world is getting worse.
Being sick with a disease that keeps me constantly in pain and nauseated has been somewhat sobering. Around the fall of 2007 I was looking at doing a masters of divinity in Birmingham. Now I'm looking at doing a masters of divinity out in San Fransisco. I'm still not exactly sure why I'm doing this other then the fact I feel that I'm being told to do so.
I guess all this comes back to this wild and crazed revolutionary and controversial guy called Jesus. Well, to just say he is a man would miss the point. I mean, the backbone of my education for the better part of six years has been that Jesus is more than a man, that even though he lived and died around two thousand years ago, he is actually alive and is both God and man and somehow he is my best friend and savior.
I never said this was going to sound sane but even though I openly question how this is possible every time I think about it...I can't help but laugh. Like love, it is something that chooses you and you have to give back...or something. I mean, this gets to be really complicated really fast. As much as I try to appreciate the work of those who do apologetics...a lot of time is wasted on research that doesn't amount to much.
From my experience people dying, those who are unemployed, the drug junkie shaking while wanting his next fix...you could pile up all the archeological evidence in the world before them and they could care less. It's not that I'm trying to cause a lot of trouble or step on toes but unless the church is grounded in the dirt and grime of the world, where is she?
I know people like to reduce Jesus to being some sort of holy guy that said 'Hey, why don't we try loving people?' and that sort of is true but at the same time misses the whole point.
For anyone who has bothered to actually read the Bible Jesus was not a lovey hippie figure as much as he was a loudly spoken rabbi who scared religious and political figures so much that they killed him. And despite the minor setback of death that couldn't stop Him.
Don't ask me how it works but it does. There are many trite and pointless analogies and comparisons that real preachers try to use but they all, to be frank, suck. How do you begin to compare the infinite love of an incomprehensibly omniscient and omnipresent being to the breeze blowing, or of human love?
Seriously.
If we're talking about Jesus, this insane mixture of deity and human being then we are talking about something we CANNOT comprehend with empirical science. People have wasted their entire lives arguing and killing one another over who has a better definition of Jesus.
That is partly what this is about, at least I think it is.
I'm sick of the fighting.
Every time I turn on the news or check the BBC's website my stomach turns. I feel nauseated. How many mass shootings have we had in the past weeks? Months? Years? How many times do we hear of someone screaming "Allahu Ackbar!" (Glory to God, for more information see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Takbir) before detonating a bomb and killing dozens of people.
'Glory to God'?
Seriously.
Or how about the crusades? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crusade
Did you read that part in the Bible where Jesus said "Oh, by the way guys, this religion called Islam is going to pop up around the seventh century and eventually will take over Jerusalem. I want you guys to know this ahead of time so you can gather a large group of Anglo Saxons claiming divine right and go kill the Muslims. Rape, pillage, you know the war thing."
What about something a bit more home grown, the whole "Manifest Destiny" that resulted in the genocide of the Native Americans?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manifest_Destiny
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wounded_Knee_Massacre
Or The Troubles in Northern Ireland that have been going on for decades? Militant Catholics and Protestants killing one another.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Troubles
Wait, did someone just say Protestants versus Catholics?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thirty_Years%27_War
I could go on because there is more...but I'm tired of this. As George Santayana said "Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness. When change is absolute there remains no being to improve and no direction is set for possible improvement: and when experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
There has been so much wholesale slaughter in the name of Jesus, so many people rejected and told they are scum by the established church, so many broken promises, so many lies...and at the end of the day I'm no better than those who came before me.
I'm just another broken soul that is afraid and is unsure of life. Half the time I feel afraid to do anything and half the time I feel this indescribable peace and presence that scares me as much as it brings peace.
Love given to me from a finite being merely scares me, love from One who is incomprehensible terrifies me. It's bad enough to look up at the sky when its dark and see the vast ocean of stars...and to think there is One who effortlessly spoke all of this into being?
I mean, really, where does that leave us?
The more I pray, the more I read, the more I study...the bigger the gap seems. There are a good many of different things I believe but most of it can be summed up rather easily:
"One of the religion scholars came up. Hearing the lively exchanges of question and answer and seeing how sharp Jesus was in his answers, he put in his question: "Which is most important of all the commandments?"
Jesus said, "The first in importance is, 'Listen, Israel: The Lord your God is one; so love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.' And here is the second: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' There is no other commandment that ranks with these.""
-Mark 12:28-30
One of my many problems with talking about this kind of thing is knowing where to begin and end things. There is so much to say and so much that is running around in my mind at any give point in the day. But the only thing that still catches my breath still, that makes my heart beat so erratically...is this thought of love.
Genuine love. Not the broken and limited love of people but the αγάπη, the love expressed only by the divine (for some more thoughts on this see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agape
It is this love that I'm chiefly concerned with and it is the lack of reciprocation among Christians that have resulted in some of the most horrific tragedies imaginable.
It is this love that is incredibly complex and simple, both mundane at times and breath taking as well.
It was this love that was expressed when Jesus died on the cross, acting as a passover Lamb for all sin. I know a lot of preachers spend time focusing on how horrible humans are, how dirty we are and how much we need help because none of us can save ourselves. Just a glance at the news headlines and honestly if there is no hope beyond this physical world there is no need to worry about finding Hell because it is already here.
And I really do not feel comfortable talking about this kind of thing. I'm sure to some people it seems like I'm pointing the finger and saying "Look how bad they are and look how awesome I am! Woo! Go team Jesus!" but what I'm trying to say is that the church, including me, has been contributing to the problem by missing the entire point off the Gospel...which is love.
It doesn't matter how you dress, what words you use, what rituals you partake in, what songs you sing or scream, it doesn't matter the degree of love you felt growing up. The past is the past and the offer for a life freed from addiction of self is a few breaths away.
I wish there were some kind of magic words I could speak, some sort of special phrase I could utter and it would make everything better. But the reality of the situation is that things are going to continue to get worse until someone does something.
The task is huge and the potential for failure has never been greater...but for those who have been touched by this incomprehensible love...what are we waiting for? What am I waiting for?
Music to me is a life force that helps push me and keep me going. Positive reinforcement and an outlet for the prayers my soul can only scream in the dark of the night.
A song that has captured this feeling...this disappointment...this heartache of seeing Christianity hijacked and used and manipulated for hate can be found in the U2 song "Sunday Bloody Sunday".
The song itself paints a picture that is a juxtaposition of the massacre in Northern Ireland as Bloody Sunday to the resurrection of Christ on Sunday.
I know I hear a lot of jokes from friends about my love of U2 but this particular performance of this song captures this feeling...this...place where my mind has been traveling to.
How long? How much longer will we be singing this song? How long until the church, until I actually stand up for what is right?
When Jesus mentions loving your enemies, he means loving them as you would your friends. It mean destroying our prejudices about everyone and throwing down our weapons. The early church followed to their deaths.
There is a power in complete surrender and unclenching your fist. Saying no to revenge, saying no to the cancerous hate and fear that threaten to consume our lives. If someone actually wants to change the world they have to love people as Jesus did and being willing to pay for it, just like He did.
I'm so sick of this, not just the hypocrisy in televangelist, not only the wolves posing as sheep to steal money, not just the faux Christian 'leaders' calling for political assassinations and for Christians to 'take back their country'; I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of being so caught up in my problems that I ignore the world around me. For those of us with enough audacity to call ourselves Christians (as it were, ones like Christ, 1 Peter 4:12-19) we have a lot to answer for...a lot to make amends for.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is shut our mouths long enough to hear others speak and the best response we can give is a hug. Words cannot hope to describe and define the beautiful horror that seizes a person when they realize they are loved by Christ. The best we can hope to do is to show that love in how we live, how we treat others and most importantly loving our enemies even if it means our death. That will show a world that Christ is alive and burning inside us.
"Here's another old saying that deserves a second look: 'Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.' Is that going to get us anywhere? Here's what I propose: 'Don't hit back at all.' If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.
"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.
"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."
-Matthew 5:38-48
I have a degree in pastoral ministries from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary as well as a bachelor of Arts in Christian Studies with an emphasis in pastoral ministries (as well as a bachelor of Arts in Humanities but that is beside the point at this point).
It has been a couple of years since I've taught on a regular basis, a few years since I've done anything I would qualify as being "preaching".
Ever since I was about fourteen I started on a path towards doing 'ministry', 'preaching' whatever all that means. Honestly I'm not sure myself and I've spent a lot of time thinking about those terms and trying to try and come to some real conclusion.
About the time I graduated from high school and started college some events transpired that gave me a foul taste in my mouth concerning church and ministry. Since that time I've had trouble going to church and interacting with Christians. To a large degree I started to develop a distrust and at times a self righteous disgust of Christians.
I got tired of the cliches, tired of the mind games, tired of the politics, tired of the lame jokes and the stupid suits and ties. I got burned out and bitter. I would hear expressions like "God bless you" "God Bless the USA", "Jesus loves you" and see the thousands and at times millions of dollars poured into buildings and programs to entertain the people in church while at the time ignoring those living in poverty just a few miles down the road.
I have and still see Jesus being used as a political tool, some sort of rally cry to gather protesters...as if using Jesus in your slogans would somehow make your cause 'righteous' and 'good'.
If I was to be perfectly honest I think I would be branded both crazed and a heretic. I don't feel I'm that crazy or heretical just that Jesus doesn't divide people based on ethnicity, social class, skin color, religion or anything else people have invented just so they can look down on others. I have serious doubt that Jesus supports the Republican, the Democrats or the Green party...or any political body for that matter. Politicians are just like the rest of us and only care about their immediate concerns.
I could go on about this but for those interested in doing a little background reading about this check out 1 Samuel 8-10
I could go on with this but I'm not going to, that isn't the exact point of this letter, sermon or whatever you want to call it. I don't know what it is exactly. I just know I've seen a lot of broken lives, heard so many stories and just know that this world is getting worse.
Being sick with a disease that keeps me constantly in pain and nauseated has been somewhat sobering. Around the fall of 2007 I was looking at doing a masters of divinity in Birmingham. Now I'm looking at doing a masters of divinity out in San Fransisco. I'm still not exactly sure why I'm doing this other then the fact I feel that I'm being told to do so.
I guess all this comes back to this wild and crazed revolutionary and controversial guy called Jesus. Well, to just say he is a man would miss the point. I mean, the backbone of my education for the better part of six years has been that Jesus is more than a man, that even though he lived and died around two thousand years ago, he is actually alive and is both God and man and somehow he is my best friend and savior.
I never said this was going to sound sane but even though I openly question how this is possible every time I think about it...I can't help but laugh. Like love, it is something that chooses you and you have to give back...or something. I mean, this gets to be really complicated really fast. As much as I try to appreciate the work of those who do apologetics...a lot of time is wasted on research that doesn't amount to much.
From my experience people dying, those who are unemployed, the drug junkie shaking while wanting his next fix...you could pile up all the archeological evidence in the world before them and they could care less. It's not that I'm trying to cause a lot of trouble or step on toes but unless the church is grounded in the dirt and grime of the world, where is she?
I know people like to reduce Jesus to being some sort of holy guy that said 'Hey, why don't we try loving people?' and that sort of is true but at the same time misses the whole point.
For anyone who has bothered to actually read the Bible Jesus was not a lovey hippie figure as much as he was a loudly spoken rabbi who scared religious and political figures so much that they killed him. And despite the minor setback of death that couldn't stop Him.
Don't ask me how it works but it does. There are many trite and pointless analogies and comparisons that real preachers try to use but they all, to be frank, suck. How do you begin to compare the infinite love of an incomprehensibly omniscient and omnipresent being to the breeze blowing, or of human love?
Seriously.
If we're talking about Jesus, this insane mixture of deity and human being then we are talking about something we CANNOT comprehend with empirical science. People have wasted their entire lives arguing and killing one another over who has a better definition of Jesus.
That is partly what this is about, at least I think it is.
I'm sick of the fighting.
Every time I turn on the news or check the BBC's website my stomach turns. I feel nauseated. How many mass shootings have we had in the past weeks? Months? Years? How many times do we hear of someone screaming "Allahu Ackbar!" (Glory to God, for more information see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Takbir) before detonating a bomb and killing dozens of people.
'Glory to God'?
Seriously.
Or how about the crusades? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crusade
Did you read that part in the Bible where Jesus said "Oh, by the way guys, this religion called Islam is going to pop up around the seventh century and eventually will take over Jerusalem. I want you guys to know this ahead of time so you can gather a large group of Anglo Saxons claiming divine right and go kill the Muslims. Rape, pillage, you know the war thing."
What about something a bit more home grown, the whole "Manifest Destiny" that resulted in the genocide of the Native Americans?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manifest_Destiny
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wounded_Knee_Massacre
Or The Troubles in Northern Ireland that have been going on for decades? Militant Catholics and Protestants killing one another.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Troubles
Wait, did someone just say Protestants versus Catholics?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thirty_Years%27_War
I could go on because there is more...but I'm tired of this. As George Santayana said "Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness. When change is absolute there remains no being to improve and no direction is set for possible improvement: and when experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
There has been so much wholesale slaughter in the name of Jesus, so many people rejected and told they are scum by the established church, so many broken promises, so many lies...and at the end of the day I'm no better than those who came before me.
I'm just another broken soul that is afraid and is unsure of life. Half the time I feel afraid to do anything and half the time I feel this indescribable peace and presence that scares me as much as it brings peace.
Love given to me from a finite being merely scares me, love from One who is incomprehensible terrifies me. It's bad enough to look up at the sky when its dark and see the vast ocean of stars...and to think there is One who effortlessly spoke all of this into being?
I mean, really, where does that leave us?
The more I pray, the more I read, the more I study...the bigger the gap seems. There are a good many of different things I believe but most of it can be summed up rather easily:
"One of the religion scholars came up. Hearing the lively exchanges of question and answer and seeing how sharp Jesus was in his answers, he put in his question: "Which is most important of all the commandments?"
Jesus said, "The first in importance is, 'Listen, Israel: The Lord your God is one; so love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.' And here is the second: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' There is no other commandment that ranks with these.""
-Mark 12:28-30
One of my many problems with talking about this kind of thing is knowing where to begin and end things. There is so much to say and so much that is running around in my mind at any give point in the day. But the only thing that still catches my breath still, that makes my heart beat so erratically...is this thought of love.
Genuine love. Not the broken and limited love of people but the αγάπη, the love expressed only by the divine (for some more thoughts on this see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agape
It is this love that I'm chiefly concerned with and it is the lack of reciprocation among Christians that have resulted in some of the most horrific tragedies imaginable.
It is this love that is incredibly complex and simple, both mundane at times and breath taking as well.
It was this love that was expressed when Jesus died on the cross, acting as a passover Lamb for all sin. I know a lot of preachers spend time focusing on how horrible humans are, how dirty we are and how much we need help because none of us can save ourselves. Just a glance at the news headlines and honestly if there is no hope beyond this physical world there is no need to worry about finding Hell because it is already here.
And I really do not feel comfortable talking about this kind of thing. I'm sure to some people it seems like I'm pointing the finger and saying "Look how bad they are and look how awesome I am! Woo! Go team Jesus!" but what I'm trying to say is that the church, including me, has been contributing to the problem by missing the entire point off the Gospel...which is love.
It doesn't matter how you dress, what words you use, what rituals you partake in, what songs you sing or scream, it doesn't matter the degree of love you felt growing up. The past is the past and the offer for a life freed from addiction of self is a few breaths away.
I wish there were some kind of magic words I could speak, some sort of special phrase I could utter and it would make everything better. But the reality of the situation is that things are going to continue to get worse until someone does something.
The task is huge and the potential for failure has never been greater...but for those who have been touched by this incomprehensible love...what are we waiting for? What am I waiting for?
Music to me is a life force that helps push me and keep me going. Positive reinforcement and an outlet for the prayers my soul can only scream in the dark of the night.
A song that has captured this feeling...this disappointment...this heartache of seeing Christianity hijacked and used and manipulated for hate can be found in the U2 song "Sunday Bloody Sunday".
The song itself paints a picture that is a juxtaposition of the massacre in Northern Ireland as Bloody Sunday to the resurrection of Christ on Sunday.
I know I hear a lot of jokes from friends about my love of U2 but this particular performance of this song captures this feeling...this...place where my mind has been traveling to.
How long? How much longer will we be singing this song? How long until the church, until I actually stand up for what is right?
When Jesus mentions loving your enemies, he means loving them as you would your friends. It mean destroying our prejudices about everyone and throwing down our weapons. The early church followed to their deaths.
There is a power in complete surrender and unclenching your fist. Saying no to revenge, saying no to the cancerous hate and fear that threaten to consume our lives. If someone actually wants to change the world they have to love people as Jesus did and being willing to pay for it, just like He did.
I'm so sick of this, not just the hypocrisy in televangelist, not only the wolves posing as sheep to steal money, not just the faux Christian 'leaders' calling for political assassinations and for Christians to 'take back their country'; I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of being so caught up in my problems that I ignore the world around me. For those of us with enough audacity to call ourselves Christians (as it were, ones like Christ, 1 Peter 4:12-19) we have a lot to answer for...a lot to make amends for.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is shut our mouths long enough to hear others speak and the best response we can give is a hug. Words cannot hope to describe and define the beautiful horror that seizes a person when they realize they are loved by Christ. The best we can hope to do is to show that love in how we live, how we treat others and most importantly loving our enemies even if it means our death. That will show a world that Christ is alive and burning inside us.
"Here's another old saying that deserves a second look: 'Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.' Is that going to get us anywhere? Here's what I propose: 'Don't hit back at all.' If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.
"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.
"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."
-Matthew 5:38-48
Saturday, April 11, 2009
"The Beginning" - Showbread
I used to dream that I could fly
Just above the whispered clouds, beneath the somber sky
I had a dream I was alive
I dreamt that love would never die, goodbye
Dreams were cheap and hope was easy (so light)
The forgeries of life deceiving (so bright)
And as I glided to the ground (so long)
Calcified, the concrete weighed me down (cruel world)
Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I had dreamt that I could fly
Alkaline the burning frost, has blistered deep beneath my bones
And winter spat its hatred, cold and coiled, black and deep
As it called me ever further, where evil burns and never sleeps
I once had prayers that found no words, fragile things I've never spoken
Through my lips passed eulogies for all the oaths that I have broken
And still the ghost of hope was haunting, through the dark to save the living
And still beneath it all I dreamt that God could be forgiving
Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I dreamt that I could fly
When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride
I am the worst of all things here
My crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear
And each and every sparrow
They flutter to the ground before they die
So please God don't forget me
''I have been with you all along, you have not noticed me.'
Nervosa now felt more ashamed than ever before.
'Why would you still care enough to save me
even after seeing the horrible things I have done?
Why do you remain here even now?' She asked, sobbing.
'Because, here is where you are,' the Lamb said softly,
'And I long to be with you.''
See from His head, His hands, His feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
To Christ, who won for sinners' grace
By bitter grief and anguish sore
Be praise from all the ransomed race
Forever and forevermore
Just above the whispered clouds, beneath the somber sky
I had a dream I was alive
I dreamt that love would never die, goodbye
Dreams were cheap and hope was easy (so light)
The forgeries of life deceiving (so bright)
And as I glided to the ground (so long)
Calcified, the concrete weighed me down (cruel world)
Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I had dreamt that I could fly
Alkaline the burning frost, has blistered deep beneath my bones
And winter spat its hatred, cold and coiled, black and deep
As it called me ever further, where evil burns and never sleeps
I once had prayers that found no words, fragile things I've never spoken
Through my lips passed eulogies for all the oaths that I have broken
And still the ghost of hope was haunting, through the dark to save the living
And still beneath it all I dreamt that God could be forgiving
Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I dreamt that I could fly
When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride
I am the worst of all things here
My crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear
And each and every sparrow
They flutter to the ground before they die
So please God don't forget me
''I have been with you all along, you have not noticed me.'
Nervosa now felt more ashamed than ever before.
'Why would you still care enough to save me
even after seeing the horrible things I have done?
Why do you remain here even now?' She asked, sobbing.
'Because, here is where you are,' the Lamb said softly,
'And I long to be with you.''
See from His head, His hands, His feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
To Christ, who won for sinners' grace
By bitter grief and anguish sore
Be praise from all the ransomed race
Forever and forevermore
Somewhere Between Love and Here
Fallen out of sight of You
I start to loose myself.
Your voice is so faint,
but I can remember,
remember those first words.
The words bringing the chaos to calm,
the words that brought order
to an endless void.
With a simple word you speak
and creation kneels before thee.
You spoke and by your breath
brought this soul and body together.
I cannot remember much
but I have felt your arms
and your tears matching mine.
The burdens around me
that threaten to capsize me
and pull me under
are never a surprise to You.
Somewhere a child is dying
cold, alone and hungry.
Somewhere an innocent
is dying alone
blood pooled around
forsake by all
but You.
A blood smeared cross is the profit of my gains.
I killed the maker of creation
Arson of the soul burning with no notion
forgetting the price of life and the pain.
Every last word I can whisper
speaks as an eternal scream
blood red spilling as ink on paper
Nightmares replace my dreams
as I long for You again.
To have my savior be mine,
the One whose love is not mere vapor
burning in the sun.
But the One whose love burns the sky
gentle as a lamb
more fearsome than the darkness
There is no aptness
no words
no ritual
no saving grace
except for what You have given.
This body will continue to fail
and my words ring about in this room empty,
curses lifted in vain
against myself
against You
and whoever else who tries to help.
I lack words to speak
as I gasp for air
to weak now to scream.
I whisper in the dark,
I wonder where you are.
I can't scream
and my throat aches from the sores
of a lifetime spent lost
but here You are.
The smells of death and decay
and the rotting piles of trash around me.
The dark smiles at me,
smirks I recognize as my own.
Whispers of finality
that is my own voice.
I am but not alone.
More then this pain
and finality is You.
Jesus, bless me so I can move.
My tongue is full of venom
and has crafted so much deceit.
The blood continues to flow out
and I beg for Your touch once more.
The medication blocks the pain
but the disease of sin still festers.
Kiss the sparrow and come back to my side.
You see the fields of flowers
but I only see me.
There is a world diseased and dying
but here I am.
Please find me here.
Forget me not.
Forgive me for my doubt
and the gods that are my pain.
I don't understand.
My mind become more clouded
pain more intense.
I don't want to be saved,
I want to be yours.
I speak contradiction
and have my life engraved in stone.
It seems like the view of a sea.
White sands and eternal oceans.
My weakness and hate evident.
The tears I shed are for myself.
I've never remembered another
or cared to help give my abundance.
It is self.
No why or how.
No rhyme or reason.
Just this shattered heart
feeling lungs collapse.
Feeling the pain in my stomach build
for no reason.
Can we go alone,
just You and I?
Could You carry me to distant shores
although You have already died?
Can you carry the weight of my sins
and the weight of this dead body?
Can you carry me through eternity
and wipe away every tear?
Will you please save me,
Savior?
Redeemer?
Your cross is horrifying in its beauty.
Undying love at the price of a life.
My pride, my lust and my ambition
the hammers that drove nails
and here I lay on this mountain
covered in the dirt of this worlds triteness.
I feel the cold piercing my bones.
The fever of endless dreams
while waiting on this mountain side.
I wait while my faith breathes its last
and my body longs to give in with one last sigh
so please do not forget me Father.
Do not leave me here
rotting in my shame.
I start to loose myself.
Your voice is so faint,
but I can remember,
remember those first words.
The words bringing the chaos to calm,
the words that brought order
to an endless void.
With a simple word you speak
and creation kneels before thee.
You spoke and by your breath
brought this soul and body together.
I cannot remember much
but I have felt your arms
and your tears matching mine.
The burdens around me
that threaten to capsize me
and pull me under
are never a surprise to You.
Somewhere a child is dying
cold, alone and hungry.
Somewhere an innocent
is dying alone
blood pooled around
forsake by all
but You.
A blood smeared cross is the profit of my gains.
I killed the maker of creation
Arson of the soul burning with no notion
forgetting the price of life and the pain.
Every last word I can whisper
speaks as an eternal scream
blood red spilling as ink on paper
Nightmares replace my dreams
as I long for You again.
To have my savior be mine,
the One whose love is not mere vapor
burning in the sun.
But the One whose love burns the sky
gentle as a lamb
more fearsome than the darkness
There is no aptness
no words
no ritual
no saving grace
except for what You have given.
This body will continue to fail
and my words ring about in this room empty,
curses lifted in vain
against myself
against You
and whoever else who tries to help.
I lack words to speak
as I gasp for air
to weak now to scream.
I whisper in the dark,
I wonder where you are.
I can't scream
and my throat aches from the sores
of a lifetime spent lost
but here You are.
The smells of death and decay
and the rotting piles of trash around me.
The dark smiles at me,
smirks I recognize as my own.
Whispers of finality
that is my own voice.
I am but not alone.
More then this pain
and finality is You.
Jesus, bless me so I can move.
My tongue is full of venom
and has crafted so much deceit.
The blood continues to flow out
and I beg for Your touch once more.
The medication blocks the pain
but the disease of sin still festers.
Kiss the sparrow and come back to my side.
You see the fields of flowers
but I only see me.
There is a world diseased and dying
but here I am.
Please find me here.
Forget me not.
Forgive me for my doubt
and the gods that are my pain.
I don't understand.
My mind become more clouded
pain more intense.
I don't want to be saved,
I want to be yours.
I speak contradiction
and have my life engraved in stone.
It seems like the view of a sea.
White sands and eternal oceans.
My weakness and hate evident.
The tears I shed are for myself.
I've never remembered another
or cared to help give my abundance.
It is self.
No why or how.
No rhyme or reason.
Just this shattered heart
feeling lungs collapse.
Feeling the pain in my stomach build
for no reason.
Can we go alone,
just You and I?
Could You carry me to distant shores
although You have already died?
Can you carry the weight of my sins
and the weight of this dead body?
Can you carry me through eternity
and wipe away every tear?
Will you please save me,
Savior?
Redeemer?
Your cross is horrifying in its beauty.
Undying love at the price of a life.
My pride, my lust and my ambition
the hammers that drove nails
and here I lay on this mountain
covered in the dirt of this worlds triteness.
I feel the cold piercing my bones.
The fever of endless dreams
while waiting on this mountain side.
I wait while my faith breathes its last
and my body longs to give in with one last sigh
so please do not forget me Father.
Do not leave me here
rotting in my shame.
Ιησού Χριστού
Χριστέ μου, σωτήρας, με σώσεις.
Για τον λόγο σας, την ομορφιά σας.
Αποθήκευση μου.
Καθαρίζονται με το αίμα μου,
πλύνετε την ψυχή μου καθαρή.
Πατέρα, πατέρα μου.
Αγάπη μου με τον τρόπο που μόνο εσείς μπορείτε.
Είμαι κλάμα για την αγάπη σας
και μόνο εσείς μπορείτε να με σώσεις.
Θα ξεχάσουμε αυτές τις λέξεις
αλλά ποτέ δεν μου επιτρέπει να ξεχνάμε
η αγάπη σου για μένα.
Ιησού Χριστού,
σώσεις.
Για τον λόγο σας, την ομορφιά σας.
Αποθήκευση μου.
Καθαρίζονται με το αίμα μου,
πλύνετε την ψυχή μου καθαρή.
Πατέρα, πατέρα μου.
Αγάπη μου με τον τρόπο που μόνο εσείς μπορείτε.
Είμαι κλάμα για την αγάπη σας
και μόνο εσείς μπορείτε να με σώσεις.
Θα ξεχάσουμε αυτές τις λέξεις
αλλά ποτέ δεν μου επιτρέπει να ξεχνάμε
η αγάπη σου για μένα.
Ιησού Χριστού,
σώσεις.
Friday, April 10, 2009
"Every New Day" - Five Iron Frenzy
When I was young, the smallest trick of light,
Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day,
I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for,
And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar,
I just don't feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears,
Watered Heaven with their tears,
Before words were spoken,
Before eternity.
Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again.
When I was small, the furthest I could reach,
Was not so high,
Then I thought the world was so much smaller,
Feeling that I could fly.
Through distant deeps and skies,
Behind infinity,
Below the face of Heaven,
He stoops to create me.
Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again.
Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.
The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep piling
Up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountain is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace.
Dear God...
Increase.
Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours,
Only You can make every new day seem so new.
Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day,
I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for,
And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar,
I just don't feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears,
Watered Heaven with their tears,
Before words were spoken,
Before eternity.
Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again.
When I was small, the furthest I could reach,
Was not so high,
Then I thought the world was so much smaller,
Feeling that I could fly.
Through distant deeps and skies,
Behind infinity,
Below the face of Heaven,
He stoops to create me.
Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again.
Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.
The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep piling
Up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountain is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace.
Dear God...
Increase.
Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours,
Only You can make every new day seem so new.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
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