Sometimes...my thoughts terrify me.
I don't like where they lead...where they go...

Sometimes I fear the best thing I could do for everyone around me...is to vanish, run and flee away from everything and everyone I love.

People love me, adore me, praise me, help me, take care of me...and still, they...they do not see the darkness hiding beneath the bumbling fool I desperately try to be.

Just so no one...no one will see the evil I am.

Yay!

Elated hypocrisy!

Courting with disaster seems to be my almost essential day to day job.

I forgot how nice the cold comfort of apathy can be.

I just don't even know why I bothered...

It is sort of funny...but I am in a place where I really am not feeling attraction to any female or any remote desire for a relationship...it's been this way since August...so strange but so wonderful.

I honesty don't know if I have ever gone this long with out at least feeling some sort of crush...since what...maybe second grade and liking A.T.?

Oh so silly...and that was something like an eight year crush or something.

I really am starting to understand why the Catholic church forbids priests and other leaders from marrying. It is easier to uproot your life in obedience to God and follow when you don't have such silly things tying you down.

Maybe some people can be redeemed and find meaning in marriage and starting a family...but with my genes, my genetics...that route seems like a damnation rather than a salvation.

Me...a husband...a father?
I don't think I possess the faculties to dream of something like that...much less if it ever became a reality.

I can't take care of myself...I suppose like The Doctor said, "I'm rubbish at weddings, especially my own."

I suppose that could also qualify for funerals as well.

Quote of the Day:

“The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.”
-Soren Kierkegaard

Proverbs 28

"When the godly succeed, everyone is glad.
When the wicked take charge, people go into hiding.

People who conceal their sins will not prosper,
but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.

Blessed are those who fear to do wrong,
but the stubborn are headed for serious trouble."
-Proverbs 28:12-14


I'm a swirl, a vortex of emotion coming down off of the high of wanting...needing and begging to understand.

But life isn't about if I understand...but if I love like You love, right?

I just...
I really wish things could be more simple...just be able to breath and relax and not worry so much...worrying about everything and nothing...

What is the right thing to do?
What path is righteous?

You see everything so there is not point to conceal who I am...I am just open and bare before you...you see into me and know everything there is...

I'm not praying to change you...but the hope I can be changed.

The hope I can hold on and not fall to the pain inside of me...but to open up and let the hope carry me...let Your love carry me...because You are all I have...now and forever.

"I've become impossible
holding on to when
when everything seemed to matter more
the two of us
all used and beaten up
watching fate as it flows down the path we
have chose

you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you

awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
they pick and they pull
trying to get their fingers in
well they've got to kill what we've found
well they've got to hate what they fear
well they've got to make it go away
well they've got to make it disappear

the farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of"

The sad part?

I actually wasted my time sincerely offering help.

Nice guys don't finish last, they tend not to finish at all.

It may be because of the aneurysms.

Social drama?

Not to fear!

I'll just narcotize myself with video games, mountain dew and tea...yes...THAT will fix everything.

Now...to get my sarcasm button unstuck...

One of the manifold problems of attempting to play hero all the time is that you end up in a position where...oh it's just silly to say it...or try anything...or do...

It is just...

It is life.

I think I am stuck there with that thought.

God I hate feeling sick...I hate feeling as well...

*sighs*

Fine.

I'm a Ravenclaw.

I'll give up fighting it already.

Stupid know it all Sorting Hats... ~_~

http://www.hexrpg.com/userinfo/Nintene

Proverbs 26

"Smooth[a] words may hide a wicked heart,
just as a pretty glaze covers a clay pot.

People may cover their hatred with pleasant words,
but they’re deceiving you.
They pretend to be kind, but don’t believe them.
Their hearts are full of many evils.
While their hatred may be concealed by trickery,
their wrongdoing will be exposed in public."
-Proverbs 26:23-26

What is the point of my many words?
Slippery slopes of sin, malevolent tapestries woven will such ill intention...
...and what shall I do?
What can I do?

All of these circles, all of this pain...

How can I know who to trust?
It feels as if...exposing myself to any at all is foolhardy because I know how it will end...

Not today or tomorrow...but so few things can last long through time...


Even with all of my doubts and sins piled so high, I pray for grace, forgiveness...hope...you know?

Hope that my failures, my mistakes will not define me from here and throughout eternity...hope I can be washed clean, made new and so I can become more of who you made me to be...

So much hope, so much beauty, so much of everything...it is overwhelming.
I don't want to lie to people, lead them on...treat them like I have been in the past...

It is so easy to hide within pain and shame...but what can I do?
How can I grow and be an adult?

Father, Lover, Lord, King, Master...so many titles, so many ways of expressing You and yet none are sufficient...so many ways, so many ways...

Take my hand, take my life and never let me walk away.
Never let me loose hope in waiting,
renew me everyday so I can breath.
Put a new life in this shell
and teach me how to sing.

Carry me away
to distant lands
and unknown shores.

Renew me
and please never remove Your Holy Spirit from me.
The last thing I deserve is comfort
or peace
but I throw myself before this throne
not know what else to do
except pray,
pray for hope everlasting
and love overflowing.

So both Insane Clown Posse and Owl City have come out of the closet about being Christians.

What's next?

Daft Punk and Slipknot recording a worship album with U2?

Proverbs 25

"Good news from far away
is like cold water to the thirsty.
If the godly give in to the wicked,
it’s like polluting a fountain or muddying a spring.
It’s not good to eat too much honey,
and it’s not good to seek honors for yourself.
A person without self-control
is like a city with broken-down walls."
-Proverbs 25:25-28


What does it take to learn humility in this world?
What does it mean to love, to give and sacrifice?

I am such a silly, silly person so often...I am spread so thin, confused so easily, running all over the world...looking left and right...

I want to lay down and let the pain ebb away...roll away like the tide pulling sand into the ocean...but I know, I know to stop now will mean I will falter and may never get back up again...

I have so few words because of how tired I am...but I feel, I push, I struggle...I can't stop now...no matter what. I have to try...

*sigh*

I miss those trees as silly as this is...

=/

Fleeting moments of childhood...hither and tither...

Chrono Trigger and EarthBound anyone?

I really need a better memory.
And the ability to check my cell phone for missed calls more often...>_>

Quote of the Day:

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
-Mohandas Gandhi

Film Noir of the Soul

Falling, falling, falling.
What does it matter?
Failing, failing, failing.
Every last word is proven false.

God knows the pain I feel,
how if I could
I would just take it all,
carry the shame
carry your pain
and just be real again,
forming out of darkness
so I just will be me.

I miss it all,
Muse fueled words,
God the intoxication!
Yet far from yesterday
and other brilliant sparks
which grew in my heart.

Just like so many things,
feeling and passing,
pulling from my life
and into the sea foam of time
before I know what happens.

The ones I walk with now
I fear will be gone in minutes
if not seconds.
Further loved ones lost,
as I'm forced to live
and damned to survive.

I always must live,
must survive
must outlive the relationships,
the one who makes me feel alive.

Always in shades,
silhouettes
as my prison
is this decaying shell
which damns me to live,
life for now
and live forever.

Always in the now,
this second
which leads to another,
pulling me down paths
and making me decide
and render so much pain.

Damned if I do,
damned if I do not,
damned in every second
of this torture
where I make decisions
and there is never a good choice
or a happy ending.

I have no choice.
I must live.
I was born with these feelings and thoughts
even though I never once asked
or was considered
or quizzed
about where and when.

If I was born a decade earlier or later
so much could be different.
But instead,
my time-line is attached to
nineteen eighty-six
and there is none alive
who I can share this time burden with.

I'm not mad,
not loosing ground
fretting or in rage.

Melancholy,
and missing,
missing and longings
of things I scarcely understood
then or now.

My nightmares are such vivid terrors,
and they come to life on their own.
Such horror.

Why not this dream?
Just this once chance of singular happiness?
Is it a sin to ask?
To beg Yahweh for such?

Were I balanced
and my melancholy removed,
would it shake the foundation
and change this world
making it worse?

Should I just be narcissistic
and assume the pain I tread
and the loneliness I feel
is for the betterment of the world?

At least I can never be accused
or said to lack imagination.
Words, words and more words
just hot air.

Tired, so very tired.
Games, more than plenty
and I just want to run away
far from here
to a new world
and a new age
where I can loose myself in love
and work,
to die surrounded by loved ones
after a generation of loving
and giving all.

But not this life,
not this world.
Noir is the game
and darkness reigns
as the spirit within me cries.

The Dark rises
and who remains to fight,
to stand against the tide?

A singular,
a non-entity
who is frail
and fragile,
steaming the tide
and sacrificing
because someone has to.

I will take all I must,
feel all that is needed,
just so others may have normality
to live and die in peace
while I wear this mantle.

I will stand,
I will live
and surely die
but someone must stand
and stop the tears from being shed.
Until the day they are all wiped away,
I am and will be.
Narcissism and all.

One can change, break
and rearrange the order
and course of humanity.

It's not my place to write history,
just to be faithful
and be crushed by the wheels of fate
and hold onto the faith
which saved and damned me at the same time.

Saved me from my sin, from myself
and the endless divide and solitude.
Yet damned me to never being content,
never being able to rest
and feeling the pain of everyone around me.
It is good and right
to live and give everything
so that others may live
and find normality.

Shades, shadows,
raindrops and teardrops,
do you see and feel them madam?

My obsession,
my destruction,
the course of history
and all that will and could ever be
just found here
within,
following
and flowing with pulse.

Back to bed,
get rest
and dry your eyes
for tomorrow is a new week,
such flitting moments of time,
you just live
seize this new life
and live to love,
to have and have all.

Loving at all is so good
so right
and beautiful,
I will live too,
I have no choice in the matter.

When it is my time to depart
I will hear the sweet whispers
and be enveloped into eternity
and then the only One,
the only One who can handle my pain,
these fears
and the weaknesses people hate me for,
the love for all
and this burning empathy,
I might have peace.

I have to remain
and just hold here,
be faithful
and hold all the pain from others.

Thank you for sending me a beautiful smile.
No matter my fears of contact
or ever being able to full express
and give of myself
it was the brightest beauty this world has ever seen.
No greater beauty will ever be seen,
in this age
or the coming reign of Christ.

Thank you for helping me live,
finding one worthy of being loved
under all these contradictions
and levels of fear.

Thank you madam muse
for placing this joy
and need to accept myself
in this heart.

Eternal gratitude
and hope,
living, taking shape
and forcing its way.

What am I forgetting?
God this is driving me crazy...

God.
Wow.

Such...vivid nightmares.
Again.

I miss...it's stupid and annoying and pointless to say I miss someone when the only thing I was doing...just causing more pain and harm...

I feel like I am just this collection of contradiction, frayed wires and burning pain.

What is...what is the point?

Indifference, Cancer of the Soul

"This vacant emptiness,
this hollow is eating
stabs through my side like thorns, so defeating.
The glint of gold, sparks of silver, shining
the slightest breath of why we're pining.
We take the crumbs like our hearts are at peace
We are far too easily pleased

Quicksilver, quicksilver
Shadows dodge and fade
something less than why we're made

I need this burning inside me
this brilliant aura, this electricity
I'm being haunted by specters of what might be
of imperfections, of nearness to beauty
As life butchers, so sweet yet so sickening
we have betrayed, for each tiny flickering"
-Roper, "Quicksilver"

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of beauty is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, but indifference between life and death...Indifference, to me, is the epitome of evil."

"I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."
-Elie Wiesel



It has become second nature for me to question my motives, why I write and go on all of these rather ridiculous tangents. I really like U2 and my fellow narcissist Bono for the contradictory fact he is a millionaire and spends a lot of his free time and money on the idea of a spiritual, physical and financial renaissance of Africa.

I really can't tell you what my niche is but I thrive off of praise, strut about like a literary peacock and why not? At heart, I am like every artist who is a needy narcissist who will always be seeking the flitting glimmers of human praise.

Which, is self-defeating and oxymoronic considering how I want to point people (Christians especially) to our (read that as MINE, MY, ME) gross hypocrisies, apathy and the general failings of the church towards loving one another, stopping needless and stupid deaths and you know...helping old ladies cross the street.

Which ultimately I think is okay because this is coming from the guy who does his Bible reading while regularly listening to Nine Inch Nails (Might I take this time to recommend the free live album "The Gift"? http://thisoneisonus.org/node/34) so feel free to expect contradiction, exaggeration, satire, malcontent and the fact I am trying to come to terms with the fact I was born human.

I had a point that seems to have been misplaced in all the tangents...something about apathy.

I think.

Ah...here we are:



"Keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters. Don’t forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it! Remember those in prison, as if you were there yourself. Remember also those being mistreated, as if you felt their pain in your own bodies."
-Hebrews 13:1-3



"“But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered in his presence, and he will separate the people as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left.

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’

“Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’

“And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’

“Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons. For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’

“Then they will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?’

“And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’

“And they will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous will go into eternal life.”"
-Matthew 25:31-46



I quote those above passages, along with the Sermon on the Mount, enough times that I feel like I am running up to each one of you in your your living room and smacking you in the face with a stick that had these verses carved on it.

I am also smacking myself as well and if you get tired of it you don't have to read my silly words.

How do I follow up to the words of the man who claimed to be Messiah, Savior, Creator and God? Either he has/had a severe issue of mental illness, suffered some fairly bad biography writing or was true to his words, every last one of them.

One of the single most disturbing things I have ever witnessed is friends, Christians, who did not understand why I care about issues such as the persecution of Sudanese Christians, the current situation in France of the government violating the human rights of the Roma people by forcibly deporting them, the fact that more Christians (and political activists) have been murdered by Communists in the last century then by hundreds of years of Roman rule.

I don't have a sign, I don't think I have much of an agenda...I just firmly believe every human being is deserving of dignity, respect, security and love. No one should suffer persecution no matter how much I disagree with them and for the most part that is one of the things I love the most about America. The fact that Fox News and MSNBC both exist to annoy one another to no foreseeable end is good for everyone at the end of the day.

A secret their one sided newscasters and many in the church have not discovered is this; listening to other people's opinion and rational thought is not in fact the work of the devil, it is a secret and magical thing called being a mature and reasonable adult.

I have a lot of problems with spiritual unrest and chronic worry...the only times I can think of when the clouds clear is when I write, when I pray and when I overcome my nervous social tendencies and participate in the human race by going to where people are and listening to them. Not hitting them with a gospel stick, showering them with Jesus fish bumper stickers but honestly letting them expose their soul and find this divine moment that only comes about when we realize how hollow our lives are without one another.

The more I live the more I think we really need one another much more than we will ever be comfortable saying out loud.

And by that I mean EVERYONE.
I'm not trying to suggest a pantheistic or Unitarian theology but the simple fact that people are diverse and taking the time to listen and try to act like adults is a bit more productive and important than an "eye for an eye" and a cruise missile for a suicide bomber.

Until someone actually bother to take good ol' Saint Pete (1 Peter 4:8) and everyone's favorite polygamy driven king Solomon (Proverbs 10:12) at their words about love covering over a multitude of sins then we are going to have the Real IRA still trying to blow up Northern Ireland for a "free and united Ireland", the Palestinians and Israelis fighting over stupefyingly small pieces of land and the money making scheme that drives our political process.

I guess I may be making such vague generalities that I might be sabotaging my writings and my point.

That is okay.

Someone needs to sit in the middle and say "Hey guy! It's okay to make sandwiches and not war, we can even make it a kosher diet just to make sure everyone is happy!"

I am more than okay with the fact I love and serve a God who is bigger, more beautiful and amazing than I could ever dare to dream. I am just a beggar looking for grace who happened to hit the jackpot because I found a Lover, a Messiah and a grace that has removed my stains and forced me to look in the mirror and forgive myself and to learn how to let the past go.

Baby steps are okay.
At this point in time any sort of movement forward is in fact forward momentum.
Grace enough for today is in fact enough for today.

Quote of the Day:

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of beauty is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, but indifference between life and death...Indifference, to me, is the epitome of evil."
-Elie Wiesel

I really need to start flexing my satirical muscles some more...the fires of angry and confused religious people aren't as hot as they should be.

Quote of the Day:

“Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him, for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can kindle”
-Soren Kierkegaard

Quote of the Day:

“When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.”
-Dylan Thomas

Ick...ack...murlf...pain...garrgh...

Ack!

Life and people are making my head hurt.

Ack.

"Yet I see true art, I see her, and I see you
and Father you inspire me to sing to you
you inspire me to sing to you"

Proverbs 19

"Better a poor man whose walk is blameless
than a fool whose lips are perverse.
It is not good to have zeal without knowledge,
nor to be hasty and miss the way.
A man's own folly ruins his life,
yet his heart rages against the LORD."
-Proverbs 19:1-3


Poor, foolish, rash, folly and rage...oh dear so much rage...

How does scripture know me better than I know myself?
I go from wanting to hide my head in the sand to screaming curses to the heavens...and yet here I am, my fleeting life preserved when I have done so much sin and done so willingly and gleefully.

How do you love such a wicked man that merely masquerades as a son?


Loving correction and a chance at a new day...I can breath, taste, smell, feel, experience every day...thank you.
Thank you, thank you.

I can pain so many pictures of myself and what it is like to be in love with me...please continue to teach me, correct me, love me, break me...and help me grow.

I can't stand the distance between us...please fill in the gap and love me.

Who am I?
Words...so many words...
But thank you.
Again and again Beloved, thank you.

Everyone is worth loving, everyone is worth taking the time to listen to.

However not everyone is worthy of trust or the privilege of knowing my thoughts, knowing who I really am under this skin...

I hate pain.
I can't stand it.
Knowing others are suffering or anything like that...even if it is listening I want to but God knows I would do everything I can...

...but that is just it, isn't it?

It's not my place to carry people or their burdens.
In fact...maybe it is a sin to try.
It will not let them grow or mature if I take their pain.
We all have to suffer.
I don't think I can ever be a parent or a husband or any sort of intimate relationship like that...I can't handle friendships...how in God's name will I ever be able to pull back and have perspective for things that insane?

I'm better off with books, papers and what few relationships I can salvage and keep afloat.

It is so silly to think I considered...even hoped for some of those things as recently as a few months ago...it was someone who isn't alive anymore.
I am not the person who spent so much effort writing on here in months or years past...I just am.

I don't know who that is or if it is a good thing.
I have no choice but to just accept me as myself and hope the best comes out of life.

Rash, major and impossible decisions are coming out of every hole and hiding place...but I am just too tired to care at all.

All of these mistakes, all of these aches...every poisonous glance and every second wasted in this void...it's not even a paltry smile, screw that...I have dignity, I have pride and refuse to just throw myself at the mercy of beasts and horrors.

I am me.
Every disgusting and noble aspect coming together to make someone who is human.
I'm shallow, so shallow baby but you would never understand how.
I burrow and hide in shame, fleeing from light and at the end of the day I make a mockery of the cross...yet Christ has love enough for me.

That is more than enough for me.
None of you can understand this more than your own experience...the horror, the beauty, the endless facade we put up just to make it through the day...but here we are...day in and day out.

It could never be better or worse.
It is, it is, it is.

Dear me...I am so tired and achey.
Thankfully no fever so that means no flu.

Just...yeeeagh.

I think that is the best word to sum thinks up.

Yeeeagh.

Make sure you have the three "e"'s other wise it's not the proper word.

Inklings of Shadow and Time

I feel this plague inside me festering, growing moment by moment...apathy and excess entwining to starve my spirit and to seek nothing more than gratifying...worshiping my sick and broken body.

What madness does possess me?
What do I see except this shallow graves
and endless rows of pale white stones
all cut from this one rock
hidden deep within my cave.

I see, I feel...but so much, so more than I is...and was and shall ever be.

Such beautiful I neglect, I hate, I spite...I write off as being lesser or just a patch as needed.

Such foolish inklings...my strength is gone
and so is my mind.

The witching hour has come
and for now
I must bid the bitter farewell
but not to shores I wish to see
but endless rotations
inside this personal cave.

I see shadows on the walls
and dare to hope,
yes dare to dream
that all that is will cease
and in its wake
brings peace beyond understanding
and love eternal
never without an end.

What does it say about human nature that the thing we are most terrified of is grace, this unconditional forgiveness?

I feel so disconnected...and I think the rift is just growing...

"Jesus is for losers, the self-made need not apply"

As a rule of thumb I do my best to avoid politics.
I am trained in theology and philosophy, the golden tongue lies of the political norm is an area I try to never stray to far into because I honestly have trouble reconciling the loyalties demanded by a world government with my spiritual convictions.

A government has vested interests and those interests tend to seek preservation over anything as long as it makes its people happy and content. Christianity is not about contentment, if anything it takes ones self assured bubble and rips it to pieces and shoves the ugly truth of the fact that our middle class "utopia" is an anomaly floating on a world of poverty, disease and suffering.

That being said, for reason I do not fully understand, there is a huge contingent of Christians wrapped up in politics and more specifically the Republican party. The two golden calves of this movement tend to focus on gay marriage and abortion while seeming to neglect mostly anything else.

It seems all too easy to simply villainize and demonize those who have no voice in the major Christian circles and simply paint them as being "the enemy" that is stopping the marriage of the cross and eagle into this amazing theocracy that will bring about some mythical golden age of Christendom.

The thing that scares me the most is how that isn't hyperbole or sarcasm, that is the honest view of people and there has never been a marriage of Christianity and government that benefited anyone, it only made for a hollow faith that became an oppressor.

Which is irony in and of itself because Jesus came to set us free from the systems of this world, the shackles of tyranny and the need to divide people up based upon class of sinners.

That is what a politicized view of Christianity does.
The haves and have nots of faith.

We don't want our kids to be around the bad and dirty people...don't sully our churches with those who are gay, got too much color tone in their skin, the convict, the junkies, the doctor performing abortions...you know it is true...because even though we hate and will kill every Nazi, Jesus was the one who hung bleeding on a cross for every broken and self destructive sinner to walk this world.

Love is not a commodity we can use to guilt people into fitting into our niche of Christianity.

Just like how I have issues with the pro-life movement because it seems only concerned with aborted babies but doesn't speak up for those on death row or against the needless stupidity of all war.

Am I better then those Christians?
Do I have something they are missing?
It's not like I am some sort of golden child prodigy who has everything right.

I just feel strongly convicted in my human heart that there is no excuse, no reason, not bearable reason why any blood should be spilled.
Killing someone will never change the past and the final blood sacrifice was paid by the God who dared to come to his creation and forces us to move beyond our blind self serving stagnation.

There is finality in death that cannot be changed by human hands.
Should human hands have the authority to control who lives and who dies?
Can there really be any sort of justice from these imperfect and sinful hands?

Maybe it is silly to want to change the world at all when I can't even deal with my own crap...but I was cursed with the need to write what I see, what I feel, what I think...hope, pray and want to see.

Maybe just asking a question out loud is enough to do something...the hope and prayer I have is that the question will enter you, dear reader, and you will ask why and how...pray and maybe you will take a step, some sort of action.

Sunday, the 10th of October, is the World Day Against the Death Penalty and I think the Christian thing to do is to stop trying to take judgment into our hands and letting an imperfect system take the role of God.

http://www.amnestyusa.org/death-penalty/world-day-against-the-death-penalty-october-10-2010/page.do?id=1721023


The sad thing, is if the atheist and agnostic are right in saying Jesus was nothing more than a great moral teacher, they are at least taking Jesus more serious than any Christian.

For some reason it seems that we Christians don't think Jesus was serious in his sermons, in his life, sacrifice and resurrection. We are great at cherry picking Bible verses (see below) to suit our agenda, our needs and our wants...not letting the Spirit speak to our hearts and give us what we need.

Living in a culture of comfort where we ignore our sins and scream at others for daring to put a toe out of line...who are we fooling? Do you think the God we ignore and turn to only as a last resort will do anything else?

Even as we spit in his face while driving the nail into his hand...the love is there, vibrant and burning with such truth that we will never be able to ignore it, not even in our deepest levels of shame and fear. The beautiful horror is that as much as we resent Jesus for it...we need to be loved, to be forgiven and taken and held in our broken state...and to be taken and turned into something more beautiful than we could ever hope to be on our own.



“Don’t misunderstand why I have come. I did not come to abolish the law of Moses or the writings of the prophets. No, I came to accomplish their purpose. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not even the smallest detail of God’s law will disappear until its purpose is achieved. So if you ignore the least commandment and teach others to do the same, you will be called the least in the Kingdom of Heaven. But anyone who obeys God’s laws and teaches them will be called great in the Kingdom of Heaven.

“But I warn you—unless your righteousness is better than the righteousness of the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven!

“You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’ But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell.

“So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God."

** ** ** **

“You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too. If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile, carry it two miles. Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow.

“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect."
-Matthew 5:17-24, 38-48

Quote of the Day:

“The world is not respectable; it is mortal, tormented, confused, deluded forever; but it is shot through with beauty, with love, with glints of courage and laughter; and in these, the spirit blooms timidly, and struggles to the light amid the thorns.”
-George Santayana

Even though I won't see the show until Sunday there is something about just being able to be there...to direct and help people that makes me happy.

Well worth all the aches and pains that come with the job.

"I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
I just don't care
nothing can stop me now
you don't need me anymore"

So...what now?
I'm busy building my tower to heaven,
casting stones and laying brick
just to feel my soul ebb away.

Sometimes...it might be best to just be forgotten for a while...let things slide out of sight, out of orbit...away, away, away...

Sent to the Dark

Sometimes I feel so stupid for believing.
It's like...how naive and stupid can I be?
I am seeing myself
reflected and refracted
broken apart
and having my soul deconstructed.

I want to nail this pain into the wall
put it on display
showing my shame and hate
just every ounce of myself
you never could know.

I feel so foolish
so stupid.
I wasn't just a child
but one following
hook, line and sinker.

More than just my head
I have a hole in my heart
pumping out life
and filling this suit of lies,
staining it red
with all my regret.

I keep asking for an end
for this soul
to be stripped
and torn from this decaying machine
but you have plans,
such unknowable
and pain giving plans.


Just another chance
another path
where will this go?
Does it matter?
How much does it matter?

Quote of the Day:

"The writer who emphasizes spiritual values is very likely to take the darkest view of all of what he sees in this country today. For him, the fact that we are the most powerful and wealthiest nation in the world doesn't mean a thing in any positive sense. The sharper the light of faith, the more glaring are apt to be the distortions the writer sees in the life around him... My own feeling is that writers who see by the light of their Christian faith will have, in these times, the sharpest eyes for the grotesque, for the perverse, and for the unacceptable... The novelist with Christian concerns will find in modern life distortions which are repugnant to him, and his problem will be to make these appear as distortions to an audience which is used to seeing them as natural."

-Flannery O'Connor

"How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here."

We write lies in order to tell the truth.
We spin the webs of fictitious tales
to pierce your soul, mind and heart.

Quote of the Day:

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."
-Flannery O'Connor

Now is a bad time to loose confidence my ability to write.
Much less act.
Need to memorize...re-memorize...recreate...re...something!

Aie!

Ack!

Stuff!

Oh dear...nausea...oh dear...

Finishing Last

Does it really matter?

I really do not like the choices I have to make sometimes.
Withdraw.

Perhaps the worst thing is that having to remove myself and not help hurts more than the physical pain ripping through my stomach right now.

If I don't pull back...and stop trying to help everyone with everything...they won't be able to learn...and I am doing nothing but trying to crucify myself in place of Christ.

I'm not a hero.
I am not a savior of anyone.
I am an organic machine bustling with a spirit, full of sin and strife; never knowing when the past is here and what it is I am just supposed to feel.


"Now this is who we are
I'll never know the answers
And I'll always wonder why
But You have let me start again
I'd rather be called weak
Than die thinking I was strong"

Everything...all of this is fading, passing by so quick...I hear a cry in the back of my mind...I just wish the vision of those last few breaths was not something I saw.

What can a sane mind say to that?
Inevitability?
Peace...even when I do not feel it.
Hope...everlasting in this night.
Love...I will never be alone, never again.

...so I feel really stupid in saying this...but I forgot how much I enjoy reading the Bible...I mean not just pleasure reading...but for my soul...there is this...this...intimacy that goes beyond the pages, beyond the historical reality to the infinite nature of a holy and powerful God that is holy and loves us enough to not break that reality of himself.

What makes a friend a friend, a friendship a friendship?

I am rather narcissistic, thank you very much.
On a good day I think I manage to recall that the world doesn't just revolve around me but that there are other people who live on this planet as well.
Occasionally I converse with them or at least sit with them at lunch in the cafeteria.

I have archives.
More archives then I ever knew about.
Emails.
Dear God at the sheer number of emails from when I first got my own personal computer back in 2004.

That has only been six years but it seems like an eternity.

What has happened since then?
I grew a couple of inches, lost a gallbladder and lot of stones, no more wisdom teeth, a couple of girlfriends disguised as leeches were burned off from where they had latched onto me, I lost my grandmother, lost the only dog I ever wanted to have as a pet, I got two BA's and almost a masters, started and quit seminary (although to be fair that was only a few months out of all of this)...God so much more.

Three novel manuscripts.

How many friendships?
Just going through Trillain...hundreds of screen names.
I don't even know the numbers I culled from Yahoo and Msn...plus the other half dozen screen names that I don't even remember the passwords from.

I don't even know why I am writing on here.
What does it matter?
So many emails, so many messages...so much of me bleeding my soul dry...for what?

I could be angry.
I could be really bitter about people who seem to just come and go, take what they need and then pop off but I've done the same thing without even meaning to...things are so royally screwed up with my health and state of mind that I honestly have trouble keeping track of the day I am in...much less whatever month or year it is.

Reading my rather cyclical writings...it is like too much sugar and I can feel it rotting my teeth.

I'm okay.
I am more okay now then I have ever been.
I am feeling just a bit more sick then ever before.
Maybe just a little more upset and sensitive to pain.
Could be I am just sick in the body or maybe sick in the mind.

I could say how much I hate you but what is there to be gained?
I could say I love you but wouldn't actions speak louder?
Do you even know if I am talking to you or do you think I may be talking to someone else with the veiled messages?

There is no code.
There is no hidden messages.
I am tired and really should not be trusted for anything that might be considered important.
I am working on a masters with the general label of religion when the only thing I remotely care about anymore is Jesus, drinking tea and excitement that a new Showbread album is coming out soon.

What is it going to matter if this is archived from now until the systems holding the internet up crashes and falls?
Why does it matter if I work hard to secure a future that isn't there?

I really don't know how much to even bother trusting people...everything is eventual, all the collapse, all the decay, the organic death.



Maybe that black space that is exactly three lines down will say something, speak to your soul...three is a strong and important number in Christianity.
Think of the possibilities.

The Trinity, three days, three nails...three whatever.

I am tired.
Worn out, stretched out thin and wishing I could retire.

I actually know the solution.
However I am not as adept as selective apathy as quite a few people I know.
Stupidly I will not put up a wall to keep people out.
They are eventually going to be the death of me because I am going to either run myself so thin or just keep working until I fall over.

But that is fine...maybe I'll just pass out and get a good nap.
That sounds nice at this point actually.
A nap.

So nice.

I received a fortune cookie which said "Others find your charm irresistible."

If you replaced "Others" with "Bacteria" then I think you might be on the right path.

Why I am NANOWRIMO'ing and You Should Too!

The temperature is falling, the leaves are turning golden yellow and I need to restock my supplies of cocoa.

There is an amazing spectacle, this magical experience, of epic proportions where the veil separating the worthy and unworthy is torn down...anything seems possible because when you are writing a novel no one can tell you what to do!

Yes, National Novel Writing Month is a mere twenty-seven days away and I am still frantically trying to catch up on homework while turning over ideas for this years book.

Some of you may be sitting at home right now, sipping on your chai latte thinking, "Gee Matthew, isn't it sort of stupid to write yet another manuscript, much less when you have dozens of things to write and the need to start finding a Masters thesis?

Why yes, for those unaware I am that insane.
This is the sort of insanity that comes when all the rules get thrown out the window, the Nazi Grammarians are tranquilized and stashed in a closet and my inner editor is given a copy of James Joyce's "Ulysses" and put up in a kennel for the month.

Why go through a process to put down another manuscript when I have three others that are in such horrid alarming states that I pray no living being reads it before I try to revise them?

It is a legitimate question to ask because I am already having to adjust the next few weeks so just I have things in order for me to slip off to novel land a few hours each day.

Without further ado here are some good reason why I and anyone who can string a sentence together should do NANOWRIMO:


1.For the first twenty-one years of my life (okay so maybe we can't count the first five years of my life) I have always been insanely interested in stories. There are several milestones in my life where I realized that the written word will always be my one and only true intellectual mistress.

It took me until I was twenty-one to fully realize I was in danger of becoming one of those incredibly disillusioned people that are "never weres", in the since they never took the time to write, they never took the time to read, they never took the risk of seeing if they were even capable of writing.

I can think of at least a dozen or so people in my life who should join me in this endeavor because if you do not try you will never succeed. How many English teachers/professors medicate themselves at pubs and go on about this great novel they were never able to write?

Do you know why they never wrote it?
Because they did not take the time!
National Novel Writing Month is the sort of excuse a person needs to say "Screw you self-consciousness! I don't like you and you made my high school years suck so I am not longer going to let you dictate to me who I am and will be!"


2.When you have a million things to do, adding one thing to the list isn't really all that bad.

The goal is to reach 50,000 words in thirty days, which comes out to being a mere 1600ish words a day. You still have to sacrifice free time in order to do this endeavor but what would you be doing? Watching bad reruns of "Seinfeld" and playing Farmvile?

Contrary to popular belief, novels (art in general really) do not pop out out of a parallel world where all the good stories live and Muse brings an artist their story to tell.

Writing a novel is hard but enjoyable work.
It makes your mind focus, bend, sweat and grow so that you can make dialogue and settings that are somewhat believable.
If you want to learn how to play an instrument, to bake a cake or make a guillotine in your backyard for reenacting the Reign of Terror, then you need practice.


3.Exuberant imperfection.
For some incredibly sick and twisted reason (The Fall?) people/me are ashamed of themselves, ashamed of what they like, ashamed to to think that they can do something artistic and enjoy it.

Why did finding joy from the arts become such a taboo?
Every time I try to work on a story outside of NANOWRIMO I always stop several pages in because I loose confidence, I begin to doubt everything and soon there is this fifty foot tall wall separating me from the story.

The only way I have found my way around this is by locking myself into a "write or die!" mode during November and although I have not been able to rewrite any of the first three manuscripts there ARE salvageable parts and after writing about 150,000(+) words of fiction you start to get the handle of what works and doesn't work.


4.Although I agree with Douglas' Adams sentiment about enjoying the "whooshing noise as a deadline flies overhead, one of the most important aspects of NANOWRIMO is that you have a limit to abide by. A time limit forces the brain to go into overdrive and although you end up with a lot of crap, it is intoxicating, beautiful crap that is YOURS.

It doesn't matter how many times I do it, I am never able to finish a project until the night before. There is something about the rush that brings excitement to life...and I just realized how I just described myself as a "Noveling Adrenaline Junkie"... >_< moving on.


5.Everyone has a story.
I will be the first to admit that I only have a rudimentary knowledge of how language works, the parts of speech and whatever a comma splice or whatever a gerund is but that doesn't stop me and should not stop you.

There are always people weeping about how Nanowrimo is destroying the English language, will cause an excessive amount of poorly written manuscripts but ultimately their opinion is just that, an opinion.

Until you let go of this need for "perfection" you will never hear the story in your head...but when you get to a point to where you can tune it out...and it is just you and story, you will be surprised at what you see and how perfectly made we all are to tell stories.

One of the people I miss the most is my grandmother and in the last couple of years before she passed away she mentioned knowing the entire history of Providence (the local church near our house) and those around it. When she passed she took with her a unique perspective that can never be given or know again.

You story may just be one to share with yourself and one or two loved ones...but ultimately there is this sort of intimacy that comes from giving of yourself to the story.


6.When you are jumping off a bridge it is best to bring several people along for mutual moral support and idea bouncing. I have only had limited experience with the idea of writing in a group where people encourage, give ideas, threaten to beat people if they leave or quit and overall the fact people bring baked goods, coffee and tea...but it is something awesome!


What more can I say?
I am the kind of person who loves school, loves learning, love reading and loves to write. There is the romanticist in me that hopes to one day be published, to take the literary world by storm and have enough money to build a Hobbit Hole themed house to live in...but ultimately I am writing for myself first and foremost, the rewrite is where the idea of trying to write to others comes in.

My goal with NANOWRIMO is the same with my poetry and essays...I want to capture a moment of time, something that is fleeting but should be preserved.
How that turns out is yet to be seen.


Oh...and as a bribe if anyone decides to join me and makes an account on their website and they hit 50k words then I'll bake you some brownies as a reward for doing something awesome. ^_^

All the nightmares my mind comes up with to prevent me from having a decent night sleep pales in comparison to the horrors that lurk about in common daylight.

Bah.

I take so many words to say even the most basic of things.

Bah.
Bleh.
Meh.
Bargh.

Oh well.

Always next time maybe...

"Head Down" - Nine Inch Nails

Without a doubt that has quickly become one of my favorite NIN songs.
It's almost like it is the idea of almost minimalistic industrial.
This surreal lost of identity in the growing crowds.

Such understated poetry with no resolutions...saying so much and so little at the same time.


"Hey you
What you running from?
All your hate
What you've become
Bet you didn't think
It would happen to you
All used up
Half way through

And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything"

You know...it is so easy to lie to those who do not want the truth.
It is so simple.
Child's play.
Mostly, I think, because it is just that...the meandering thoughts of children.

It is so silly that so much of life is taking up by such a waste of time and effort.

There is beauty in being freed by the truth and no longer bound by false perceptions and fool's gold.

Words really only have as much meaning as you give them...and I guess this means they have none.

For now at least and into the indefinite future.

Medial Malaise Melody

"Who has believed our message?
To whom has the Lord revealed his powerful arm?
My servant grew up in the Lord’s presence like a tender green shoot,
like a root in dry ground.
There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance,
nothing to attract us to him.
He was despised and rejected—
a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
He was despised, and we did not care.

Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
it was our sorrows that weighed him down.
And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
a punishment for his own sins!
But he was pierced for our rebellion,
crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
He was whipped so we could be healed.
All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.
We have left God’s paths to follow our own.
Yet the Lord laid on him
the sins of us all."
-Isaiah 53:1-6


Sometimes I forget who I am and where I am going.
One of the hardest things to do when you are lost in the woods is see the entire perspective, that old adage of "Not seeing the forest because of the trees"

For those who have or do go through chronic pain on a nearly daily basis you know what I mean. I wake up in the morning wondering if I am going to be sick and able to attend class or if things will be alright until I eat something.

Friday I found out the results of the biopsies from the tests were all negative. It is great that I am not suffering from some sort of cancer, Chron's disease, Lupus (although it is NEVER Lupus) or spontaneous human combustion. Even though it is none of those problems the fact that there IS no label or real way of expressing what is wrong with me.

For once the doctor I saw believed I was sick and in excruciating pain. However the best he could come up with is just my fibromyalgia is just amplifying what might otherwise be a mild case of IBS and pending check up visits with him I've sort of exhausted the avenues of medical science once again.

If nothing else at least my body is persist in staying sick.
If you gotta do something wrong, you might as well do it right, right?


I am not the sort of person who tries to super spiritualize every little thing in life but something as aggressive and life changing as perpetual sickness has to have some bearing in my life...in other words if I wasn't so sick and dealing with these problems I would not be who I am today.

That opens up a very interesting dimension to life.

For all rights and purposes my doctor was right in thinking I was crazy to continue school while being so sick, but honestly, what else can I do except try?
I would rather try and fail every single class this semester then cancel my classes and just lay in bed all day writing very bad poetry.

I don't want to sound like a martyr and I hate feeling like I may somehow be using my sickness to garner sympathy or support. There are people in this world who suffer much more than I do...in ways I guess that may be my point.

I have had a couple of rather amazing friends say to me to find a way to "give this disease back to God" a way to make something beautiful come out of something that is stupefyingly horrible.

I have a unique look at life because of being so sick.
I have seen too many hospitals, have had more blood taken and IV's started then I care to remember...but each one of those hospital visits is a part of the construction in making me the Matt Pike I was, I am and I will be.

There is something absolutely amazing with that passage from Isiah, it predicts that Jesus will be a "man of constant sorrows", one that is infinitely familiar with rejection, ridicule and hatred for daring to go to those that were deemed "dirty", "unclean" and not worthy of grace (not that any are but it seems the religious prig is always ready to point the finger) and even those who killed him.

What an insane Messiah, one who doesn't care about our idea of polite society and the sort of deity you can't simply say to hush and please stop talking about eating and drinking his blood and flesh.(John 6:47-55)

It's almost like because I am in this pain and have to make choices...every choice, every decision sort of has much grander and much lasting effects than if I was not in pain or so sick all the time.

I really do believe in being honest to God and there is nothing more asinine then pretending we are okay when we are quite clearly not. I try to lie and hide from people about how sick I can be...but why try to fool the one that put me together?

I care enough to voice my thoughts of doubt, of pain and just how life can be so insane...not just for me but the kind of world we live in where it seems we are always just a single heart beat away from immense pain.

And the resounding reply from above that I have heard of lately has been, "If you care so much, then do something about it."

Just like they were saying...take this pain and be honest, be candid, be yourself...ultimately show people the daily miracle of grace that makes life what it is.

Maybe that sounds too hokey or mystical...but what else can I do?
What else should I do?
People (read that as I) are always happy to point out how bad things are, how worse life is getting...but few are willing to actually stand there and do something lasting, effective...something beyond meetings and strategies.

The past few years have been what I would consider the wanderings in the wilderness. I still do not see where I am going...but no matter how dark the path seems there have been an infinite number of blessings and people to prop me up and help me.

I think the most perplexing part is that those who do not share my convictions and beliefs have been some of my biggest supporters during this time. Life is too great and too terribly beautiful to ever be able to give proper thanks to you all.

Even in my most nihilistic moments...I think I will be able to look back and see the grace that helped me make it here, that it was all worth it...and I will only be able to mumble a very small thanks and finally be Home.

Proverbs 3

"Do not withhold good from those who deserve it
when it’s in your power to help them.
If you can help your neighbor now, don’t say,
“Come back tomorrow, and then I’ll help you.”

Don’t plot harm against your neighbor,
for those who live nearby trust you.
Don’t pick a fight without reason,
when no one has done you harm.

Don’t envy violent people
or copy their ways.
Such wicked people are detestable to the Lord,
but he offers his friendship to the godly."
-Proverbs 3:27-32

God you confuse me and I rarely understand what is going on.
However as I have been force to admit in recent memory is that love doesn't require understanding.

Being in pain and sick so often...I guess you get a little perspective of what matters because who knows what tomorrow may bring, assuming there is even one?

What good does being mad accomplish?
What can my rage do?
The only thing positive that can come out of it...comes from you, letting you mold my actions and my intentions into something...more, more, more.

Why do I breath?
Live?
Strive beyond this moment for something else?
Something more?
What am I living for?

How much of life is open to making mistakes, walking and crossing over, tumbling, falling and savoring?

Everything is...everything in its own way...but...there is so much doubt and fear for one I never seem to shut up complaining to.

Oie.

Peace, hope and love...so far away, so far from my understanding...but grace...pure grace. God's grace...my comfort, my salvation, my rock...my Love.

Quote of the Day:

"Maybe there is a touch of insanity to think you or I could really make a difference, knowing who we are, that we could somehow change the course of history. If it's normal to wake up in the morning and just try to make it through the day, then I vote for abnormality. I choose insanity."
-Erwin Raphael McManus

Oh dear Father, why why why did I eat dinner?

>_< blaarghsss....

"Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes
You'll just have to claw your way through this disguise."

Another day of pain and medication.
I keep loosing track of time.
Up is down, left is right and my heart's rhyme is off tempo.

Sometimes I wonder where I am, where I am going and if I have already arrived.

I really do not like how the medication makes me feel...but sometimes it makes the pain my body is in decrease.

Sometimes it feels like I have just been in pain my entire life and that is all there is or will ever be.

My Savior, my Love, my Lord, my Daddy, my King, my Maker...all of these you are...please, please heal me.
Reduce or remove the pain...

I know I ask in vain because I at least know...it is for a reason.
The reason would not make sense to me and I would never be brave enough to have picked this road on my own.

But here stand, You and I.
Forever entwined and even when I falter and fail, you love me all the same.

Proverbs 2

"My child, listen to what I say,
and treasure my commands.
Tune your ears to wisdom,
and concentrate on understanding.
Cry out for insight,
and ask for understanding.
Search for them as you would for silver;
seek them like hidden treasures.
Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord,
and you will gain knowledge of God."
-Proverbs 2:1-5

What can I...should I...hope to say?
I am so tired that I think I just need to lay here.
Speak to me please, pull me up and out of this comfort of self.
I would like to love you, love others...please help me because I do not know how I could ever do this on my own.

It is silly how much I talk about me, with my requests, my thoughts...what I want, what I need...I...I...I...
Is that all I care about?

The Mammon Machine just pumping out more magic, just a few more sold souls in order to rule the world.

At any point you could have tossed me to the streets but you didn't...you could have left me when I started complaining.
You are so faithful, so beautiful, so wonderful to a broken wretch such as I.
Why would you seek for me to love you?
Desire my love out of all those in this chaotic world?

Thank you Love, thank you.
My God, my Lord, my Shepard, my Teacher, my Messiah, my Savior...my Redeemer.

Daddy, thank you.
Thank you for being infinite, boundless, full of grace, loving...but when the time is right you are Judge, powerful...this tumulus storm of love that you refuse to let us remain where we are...and you will do right.

Just...thank you.

Quote of the Day:

"You can either practice being right or practice being kind."
—Anne Lamott

"October/New Years Day" - U2

October
And the trees are stripped bare
Of all they wear
What do I care

October
And kingdoms rise and kingdoms fall
But You go on
And on

The thing that is absurdly hilarious and sad at the same time is that I am the only one to notice the flowing mass of irony surrounding it all.

Oh well.

Nero played while Rome burned.
Maybe I can just take a nap instead.

Quote of the Day:

"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."
-Stephen King

I found out the biopsies taken last week during the test were all negative.

The good news is I have nothing like Bubonic Plague, cancer, deep seated infection or Chronic Spontaneous Human Combustion Disorder. However this also means I really don't have a diagnosis beyond fibromyalgia.

Illness - 12, Medical Science - 0

Okay.
I am slightly freaked out because I think Jesus finally said something to me.
I have been ranting about being sick but my biggest theological question I have been grappling with the past few years (even my senior thesis was on this) is why are good people, any INNOCENT people suffering?

Africa, Europe, Asia, the Americas...starvation, disease, neglect, ignorance...thousands if not millions of lives wasting away...dying from malnutrition, preventable disease...STUPID poverty that by all rights should not exist in the twenty-first situation.

Do you want to know what Jesus said?
It could have been a message out of Job.
No answers, no defense, no justification...just the beautiful way Jesus tends to take situations and turn them around on you.

It was simply this:
"If you care so much why aren't you doing something about it?"

By all means this could just be the product of a sick mind being turned in on itself...but it matches with Scripture to the best of my knowledge.
I rant, write, kick up dust and draw circles in the sand...but what is it I am really doing?

Right now I am too tired, too exhausted to sort things out...but the two groups that come to mind that I need to do more stuff with is One, Amnesty International, World Vision and Voice of the Martyrs.

I have signed petitions in the past...but the gross amount of hypocrisy is that I stopped there...I have not made it a regular issue to pray about...or write about.
That needs to change...

I don't have to change the world.
I can be sick and be in excruciating pain until I fall over dead.
I don't care, I know I am going to die sooner or later...the only thing I even remotely care about right now is being faithful to the post I have been called to.

I think that will require some serious reflection and thought.

Anger is such a useless emotion.
Things go bad and all apart...I am perhaps the only person in the whole world who manages to accomplish nothing when I am angry.

I cannot yell at anyone, hurt them, break things or anything whatsoever...I actually care about people so I can't treat them as objects to use and toss away when I get done with them.

I just...

I am so frustrated with my body not healing, not getting better...small things get under my skin and agitate me...and I just forget why I am even alive in the first place.

Father I am so weary...I find no rest in sleep from the nightmares and most of my waking moments are marked second by second from the pain that comes from breathing, walking, eating food...what am I supposed to do?

I want to believe it will get better than you actually give a damn about me...but my faith isn't that strong. I feel like...I have tried, I have done this...I have done that and ultimately it's all been pointless, meaningless...because I can't even function, I can barely make it to class.

I have nothing left.
I am beyond exhausted and the medication...does nothing, it makes me unable to function.
What kind of sick joke is this?

I feel like I am just falling apart faster every day...and the best service I could do is just to remove every presence of myself here...and there...just find some solitude and peace in the darkness.

I am in so much pain right now that it is starting to make me incredibly angry.
Very angry.
Yay for useless medication, doctors who are less than helpful and impossibly embarrassing and painful tests that lead nowhere!