I've hit a point to where I'm seriously considering just not doing NANOWRIMO this year. I can't focus...I have no idea what I want to write about much less something I would actually enjoy.

I'm such a minefield of convoluted thoughts right now.

Every idea I come up with is even more stupid than the last.

Part of the self imposed stipulation I had this year was that I can't write unless I find a job...and I found one...another menial and pointless minimum wage job that I am sure is only going to enhance my fun insomnia issues.

My optimism is that life is almost over, both good and bad.
Every moment is contained in this one.
All that there ever was could fit in the breadth of this single breath.

And...

There just is nothing of matter and of point I can bring my mind around to focus on...it's being so lost in the forest that I forgot about trees. There is a strong part of me that wants to leave the forest and see what the rest of life offers...but so much more of me doesn't care if I see another ray of sunlight again.

There is a dark blot that is on my soul and it is darkness.
It see all as hypocrisy and the divine as a profane hallucination.
I do not remember what it is I wanted to see.
What kind of change I was wanting to feel.

Where is the breeze,
the wind from the West
which brought us to this land?

A mythic land existed inside my mind.
I pretended absolutes were absolute
and that the finite could touch
and reach into the heavens.
Instead I feel the absurdity
of my blasphemy.

Nothing can last forever,
the eternal is in our hearts
and death doth matter
but as for these fleeting thoughts
I know not.

I want to curse the day
the moment I realized
and then knew
and ever since have been plagued
by this burning hunger for knowledge.

Knowing does nothing
to console the grieving heart
and does nothing
to help one live.

Trouble breathing,
nothing new.
Just a touch of madness
and a departing of emotion,
replacement with apathy
and the desire to fade away.

To not be seen,
such a blessing,
but even more blessed
is the one to never be born.
Sacred affirmation
of a realized salvation.