Never too Early to Have my Eyes Profaned

I do not sleep much at all these days...a mixture of anxiety, pain and medication keep me running and I'm sure at some later date I'm going to collapse and sleep for a month but that is a side point that has nothing to do with what is on my mind. I was looking at my blog, rereading the past days insanity and decided to look at another blog, so I started clicking on the 'next' button located at the top of the screen and made it through some unremarkable blogs before I landed on a Russian porn site.

I suppose it does say something about my brain that when it is confronted with a language that is not mine and naked bodies my mind instantly focuses on the language and tries to identify it. After a few seconds I had my answer and I was just left sort of...stunned at the rather over the top graphic pictures I was seeing.

I felt sick to my stomach and just this...pity and hurt for the people in the pictures.

I don't understand how people can willingly get into porn, stripping or prostituting themselves. A lot of people seem to get in it because of bad financial issues and some just get into it because of some need for expression or voyeurism...but God I just do not get it.

I don't understand why people find that sort of thing attractive...random naked human beings reduced to caricatures that would be the same for advertising a sandwhich. I mean, for God's sake these are human beings, not just objects strewn about for fun.

I do not understand it but I do not want it to seem like I'm trying to come off as if I'm trying to judge them...it's the industry, the people who buy this garbage that helps to fuel what I can't help but call exploitation. In most cases it may be consenting adults...but somewhere at some point the souls are just having to die.

Looking at the smut on my computer screen I felt like I was looking at something as intimate as broken and bloody bodies on the side of the road from a car wreck. This is someone's daughter, their sister, their cousin, their friend...I just don't...there is this mental block here in my head.

I mean, I am human, I have a sex drive and sort of understand the notion of how nudity can even be tasteful art but this...I just don't know.

XXXChurch has always been a ministry I've supported and wanted to work with because they don't beat people with Bibles, they instead give them out at porn conventions and tell them that Jesus loves them, loves the porn stars. And it's the truth...those of us who know Jesus, none of us are loved based on our merits...but based on the fact Jesus loves us because we are, no more and no less.

It feels like pretentious crap to say I want to pray for these actors, those who are addicted to this stuff, those who I know that have failing marriages because of it...but saying that always feels like I'm trying to be smug and point the finger and say "Look how not screwed up I am!" but I am...mentally I am screwed up.

I don't understand sexuality and how it defines my identity exactly...I don't know what being a real man is about. I've never had a steady father figure...I've had a few mentors that have helped...but no one I can just call dad, I guess that is one reason why I cling to Jesus so desperately...I don't feel I can really connect with people and if God loves me...well that is something much better than just feeling like I'm a freak that a dad couldn't love enough to stay in the picture for.

I don't want to go into the details but I was subjected to porn when I was younger and it's always made me feel incredibly awkward. Most general thoughts of nudity in general makes me feel nauseated...personally if I could I would shower while wearing a wetsuit and pretend that sexuality didn't exist...

I'm not comfortable with the whole idea of us being made in God's image as male and female...the fact I do have a sex drive, I have feelings and emotions...all that mixed in my head just makes me want to scream and throw myself through a window to just try and knock some logic into myself.

I just feel so bombarded with sexuality...it feels so cheap and worthless when you think that sex is supposed to be this holy and sacred thing and it's been reduced to something as shallow as hamburger meat. It honestly enrages me beyond expression that so many females I care about have this idea that somehow they are inferior because they are not mirror images of what is dancing across that stupid television set...what is all this stupid chaos and nonsense?

It's like watching tremors from the fall still shake across and make society reveal itself as this cheap and shallow thing. What good old days? Human beings have always been cheap and disgusting...just super religiousism manages to act like everything is fine.


I just...at the end of the day I wish I could just expunge all of these feelings of need and desire...wash away every thought and want for a relationship...maybe I'm different but I don't want sex if I cannot have it in marriage...it seems so cheap and shallow and I just want things to work out perfectly somehow...and I just don't understand.

My mind is so limited and I am blinded by everything I do not know...

But Jesus is more than just Love...He is.
There is hope and hope that things will not stay the same...that somehow everything can be made right.

I do not want to be this shallow person who pretends to understand love...I want to throw my life away and take up whatever ministry it is I am supposed to be doing...I want to work with xxxchurch and work in the spiritual slums where people do not know they are loved. The whole joke about meeting a Christian stripper wasn't funny the first time and I just...I hate how shallow and hollow everything feels about life.

I don't understand why people would want to pay someone for sex, pay them to take their clothes off in this fake expression that has no real meaning...am I just missing something? Some sort of gene? Is it wrong that I think people who are so hyper focused on sex that they have no perspective and think that it is 'good' have something screwed up?

I'm not trying to be judging...it's not my place to condemn and people have the right to free speech...but what about when that speech starts eating at their souls and other peoples?


People are lonely and want a cheap thrill...I'm lonely and just want to just go Home...to go away from this confusing place that I want no part of...not because of being a self righteous prick...but because I'm a depressed coward too afraid of life to act. I want to go away so I never have to see this place again. I want to feel eternity and know everything...will be...okay...