Another Day, Another Breath and Another Step

The funny thing about telling people "there is hope", "don't give up" and "there is a reason to live" is that when I start to hurt or despair...I have to live with what I have said and carry it.

Partly it is obligation and partly because I have to keep living.
I have had no choice or say in the matter.
I should be dead.
And yet I live.

Breath is in my lungs.
My heart still beats.
And the neurons are still firing in my brain.

This pain in my soul, body and mind will not destroy me.
It will hurt.
It will knock me down.
But I will stand again.
I will be pulled back to my feet.
When my body gives out I trust I will fall into the arms of One waiting.

But there are no easy answers or solutions to life problems.
And no easy escape.
For better or worse I'm stuck on this linear course.
And I aim to do what I can.
Show as much love and compassion and see what happens.

Quote of the Day

"Even with so much bad blood between us...it's funny. Now that I'm actually face to face with him again...the hatred is gone. All I feel is a deep sense of longing, and pity."
-Snake "Jack", Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots

Writing Prompts

Feeling ill.

Love is a drug.

Future time is an illusion.

...it's amazing how I still manage to be surprised at the internet and people lacking those moral-whatsits that seem so important...

Coughing is a bit annoying.
Just saying.

I wonder if some memories are not meant to be remembered...but then what are they for and why do they exist?

On Jennifers

So Jennifer finally visited me...a couple weeks ago.
I know if I do not post this now I am not sure when I will.
I was medicated out of my skull and only have the faintest memories of the visit, however I was told it went well.

Seems I always have such strange timing.
Strange how she visited now and we met after years of correspondence.
Time is fleeting, so very fleeting.
Why won't you slow down so we can all take a comfortable stroll? 

Early Morning Existential Quandary

The greater the selection of options, choices and possible results...the greater the pressure of choice becomes.

At least it is from my perspective.

Maybe that is why it is so easy for me to feel such weight?
Even when I wish for it all to vanish in wisps of smoke.

One of the normal questions asked when diagnosing depression, anxiety and etc. is if a person has lost joy in their ever day life.

Why does it seem...what does it feel...like I either have to be joyful or miserable?

Not a balance of those two emotions but one of the poles.

I do not feel it is me setting me up for failure...but just if I do not exercise caution my heart/soul/mind wanders and finds all these questions, all these instances of pain and all of the sum total of silliness of human existence...and I feel the pain others feel.

Sometimes I forget that I am supposed to feel my own pain.
It is so much easier to let situations and guilt dictate how I breath.

What is this?
What is it we become at night?
For all the roads we walk
and questions we ponder,
where is it we are going?
Questions aplently
but answers afew.
Oh how I wish You were here.
So much regret.
So much pain.

I have to decide.
Sooner,
always sooner
and never later.

Stay with me.
Through this night,
through the pain,
as my flesh fails
and my spirit cries out,
stay with me.
Please.

Happiness is a state of...being?

I wonder if the lack of posting I've done on this blog means anything particularly outside of the fact I've been suffering severe drying up of writing...for one reason or another.

In some ways I do not think I could be happier...but in others I wonder what is going on. Why I am doing what I am doing and what I am doing it for...

I keep having to deal with emotional/mental stress on top and beside the physical ones...wondering what will happen. What will happen?

What is really worth fighting for in this mixed up world?
I am trying.
Thoughts keep spiraling one way or another.

Certain things in my life can keep going this way...but a lot of changes need to be changed.

There is hope...even when I'm not entirely sure what of and why and how.

Twilight Zone episode "A World of Difference" feels far too real and similar to things...far more than it should.

Surreality is feeling far too real.

Spiritual maturity...or lack thereof...
So many things, so much confusion.
I am having trouble putting words into exact meaning.

However, the fact I'm supposed to be something significant is disturbing.
I feel more like I'm falling from platform to platform as opposed to understanding or knowing exactly what is going on.

It's always nice to have creativity well received. ^_^
Yay poetry.

Golly gee.
This DOES feel like pneumonia actually.
I've got to stop getting sick so often...this is just getting silly.

Escape, Nausea Laden Trips

It feels so childish, drama laden and teenage angst to say "You do not understand me."
But honestly.
Going with pure honest thought.
It is how I feel.

I let that kind of stuff effect me too much.
You.
The one reading.
The one not reading.
The one looking.
The one passing by without a thought.

My thoughts do not compile in rational thought as it rushes hither and tither, trying to make some sense while at the same time just as likely to send me into being in panic mode.

And then I claim to be a Christian Pacifist when I'm so angry and destructive.
I want so much.
And act like I deserve it.
I cause so much pain by my choices.
Darkness feel so close.
Close and burning in my heart.
Wrapping and intoxicating hate where I do not have to feel or think.
Hope is painful.
Love makes no sense.

But here I am.
Hanging on.
Crying out in the dark.
Hope will prevail.
Light cannot be destroyed.
Refracted.
Confused.
But the Love of Christ burns in this dark.

So I stand here.
Hope.
Hope.
Hope.

You win blogger.
I've switched to the new layout and there are so many shiny things that I do not know where to click.
If this was your attempt to reduce the amount of random babble I spew throughout the year...you shall not win!

Now if only I could figure out where the publish button is...

Ouch.

Squick.
People...ARE insane.
Unfortunately this is not just a localized phenomenon...

Considering everything.
I have to smile.

"Maybe there is good to be done
where darkness abounds
we dare to hope
use love to beat evil down"
-Showbread, "Escape Planet Cancer"

Fading Away

Sometimes I wonder if it is best to remove myself from situations.
Away from certain people.
Away from certain things.

There are those I would give anything to talk to again...but communication seems to be dead.
No returned messages.
Is that the nature of life?

I hope.
I need to hope.

Things keep spinning out of sync.
I'm so sick so often and feel so lost.
I miss You.
And you.
And you beautiful Muse.

Everything is fading
the colors can glow
and even hurt too.

I want to hope.
I need to hope.
Even when I forget...
I just forget.

I suppose the wonderful thing about life is that no matter how bad somethings may seem...may get...how bad they hurt...

The dawn still comes.
The world will rotate.
Another chance.
Another time.

One day for each of us it will end.
But so far it seems as though my role isn't finished being played.

Curiouser and curiouser.

I really hate panic attacks.
Goes to show you that...
Not sure WHAT it does show.

I'm just going to make the call and be done with it already.
Yeeeeash.

Ouch.
That pain thing still is evidently going on.

Quote of the Day

“The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly.”
-Soren Kierkegaard

Quote of the Day:

"Arise! Arise, riders of Théoden! Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered - a sword day, a red day, ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the world's ending! Forth Éorlingas!"
-Théoden,