Happiness is a state of...being?

I wonder if the lack of posting I've done on this blog means anything particularly outside of the fact I've been suffering severe drying up of writing...for one reason or another.

In some ways I do not think I could be happier...but in others I wonder what is going on. Why I am doing what I am doing and what I am doing it for...

I keep having to deal with emotional/mental stress on top and beside the physical ones...wondering what will happen. What will happen?

What is really worth fighting for in this mixed up world?
I am trying.
Thoughts keep spiraling one way or another.

Certain things in my life can keep going this way...but a lot of changes need to be changed.

There is hope...even when I'm not entirely sure what of and why and how.

Twilight Zone episode "A World of Difference" feels far too real and similar to things...far more than it should.

Surreality is feeling far too real.

Spiritual maturity...or lack thereof...
So many things, so much confusion.
I am having trouble putting words into exact meaning.

However, the fact I'm supposed to be something significant is disturbing.
I feel more like I'm falling from platform to platform as opposed to understanding or knowing exactly what is going on.

It's always nice to have creativity well received. ^_^
Yay poetry.

Golly gee.
This DOES feel like pneumonia actually.
I've got to stop getting sick so often...this is just getting silly.

Escape, Nausea Laden Trips

It feels so childish, drama laden and teenage angst to say "You do not understand me."
But honestly.
Going with pure honest thought.
It is how I feel.

I let that kind of stuff effect me too much.
You.
The one reading.
The one not reading.
The one looking.
The one passing by without a thought.

My thoughts do not compile in rational thought as it rushes hither and tither, trying to make some sense while at the same time just as likely to send me into being in panic mode.

And then I claim to be a Christian Pacifist when I'm so angry and destructive.
I want so much.
And act like I deserve it.
I cause so much pain by my choices.
Darkness feel so close.
Close and burning in my heart.
Wrapping and intoxicating hate where I do not have to feel or think.
Hope is painful.
Love makes no sense.

But here I am.
Hanging on.
Crying out in the dark.
Hope will prevail.
Light cannot be destroyed.
Refracted.
Confused.
But the Love of Christ burns in this dark.

So I stand here.
Hope.
Hope.
Hope.

You win blogger.
I've switched to the new layout and there are so many shiny things that I do not know where to click.
If this was your attempt to reduce the amount of random babble I spew throughout the year...you shall not win!

Now if only I could figure out where the publish button is...

Ouch.

Squick.
People...ARE insane.
Unfortunately this is not just a localized phenomenon...

Considering everything.
I have to smile.

"Maybe there is good to be done
where darkness abounds
we dare to hope
use love to beat evil down"
-Showbread, "Escape Planet Cancer"

Fading Away

Sometimes I wonder if it is best to remove myself from situations.
Away from certain people.
Away from certain things.

There are those I would give anything to talk to again...but communication seems to be dead.
No returned messages.
Is that the nature of life?

I hope.
I need to hope.

Things keep spinning out of sync.
I'm so sick so often and feel so lost.
I miss You.
And you.
And you beautiful Muse.

Everything is fading
the colors can glow
and even hurt too.

I want to hope.
I need to hope.
Even when I forget...
I just forget.

I suppose the wonderful thing about life is that no matter how bad somethings may seem...may get...how bad they hurt...

The dawn still comes.
The world will rotate.
Another chance.
Another time.

One day for each of us it will end.
But so far it seems as though my role isn't finished being played.

Curiouser and curiouser.

I really hate panic attacks.
Goes to show you that...
Not sure WHAT it does show.

I'm just going to make the call and be done with it already.
Yeeeeash.

Ouch.
That pain thing still is evidently going on.

Quote of the Day

“The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly.”
-Soren Kierkegaard

Quote of the Day:

"Arise! Arise, riders of Théoden! Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered - a sword day, a red day, ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the world's ending! Forth Éorlingas!"
-Théoden,

Burning Time on my Hands

Wind whipping,
rain slipping
and not enough to wash
and drain the blood
in this house in Oklahoma.

No, never could there be enough
to clean the blood on that blouse.

Sin for sin,
buying bread for gold.
Things keep slipping
and twisting
deeper into this hold.

Not enough blood to spill,
never to clean.
Scarlet and purple outlining
just a cross and crown
just downsizing
an empty house.

Waiting.
Waiting.
For that still small voice

"We're in this Together Now" - Nine Inch Nails

Quote of the Day

"And in the end/
the love you take/
Is equal to the love you make"
-The Beatles

Muse oh Muse, how I miss thee.
Emails, calls and texts go unreturned.
How can I write without thee?
Give a message.
A cry.
A shout.
Let me know hope still flies
and that your beauty is still alive.

Quote of the Day

That's what everybody keeps saying. "I'm just a professional". Everybody keeps saying that to me. "I'm just a professional", "I'm just a professional". I'm getting sick and tired of hearing that."
-Creasy

Psalms 134

"Praise the Lord, all you servants of the Lord
who minister by night in the house of the Lord."
-Psalm 134:1

Yahweh, Abba, Daddy, Father, Lover...oh I need You.
This night is so dark, the pain is so vivid and driving me crazy.
Please help me.
Please.

Light my way.
Help me to see.
Not to be obsessed with myself or others but to show love, grace and compassion no matter my walk in life, no matter where I go or what I see and do.
Please help me to learn to be responsible.
Thank You Daddy.
I need You.

Psalm 128

"How joyful are those who fear the Lord—
all who follow his ways!
You will enjoy the fruit of your labor.
How joyful and prosperous you will be!"
-Psalm 128:1-2

I have to ask...what am I doing wrong?
Is it me being cynical?
Negative?
Not willing to be nice enough?
Positive enough?
Kind enough?
I do not enjoy suffering and pain God.
I would like to do things...and well nice things to happen.
What can I do differently?

I don't think it's just a psychological change needed and I want to do the right thing.
And the right thing regardless.

Today is going to be long, painful and challenging.
Please help me to keep a positive attitude, as much of a smile as possible, a willingness to go above and beyond and ultimately remember that Your Love for me is greater than these fleeting pains I will experience every day of my life.

You are beautiful.
Wonderful.
A matchless Love and Beauty beyond my comprehension.
Hope beyond hope.
Beauty beyond Beauty.

It is all just one day at a time and I want to be lost in this Love.
Thank You for loving, rescuing, saving and wanting me.
I love You.
Thank You for loving me.

So tired of being so sick and in so much pain so often.
Choices, choices and choices.