"As the Ruins Fall" - C,S, Lewis

For several years now, I have read this poem on my birthday. Growing older has helped me realize the interconnectedness, our need for one another and ultimately our need for a God bigger than we could imagine.

Thank you all for joining me on this merry adventure, I look to many more years with you all.

-Matt

** ** ** ** **

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

Knowing does help.
Actually.

Knowing just what the &$%^ is going on would be nice.

"Anyone with half a brain
Could spend their whole life howling in pain
‘Cause the dark is everywhere
And Penny doesn’t seem to care
That soon the dark in me is all that will remain

Listen close to everybody’s heart
And hear that breaking sound
Hopes and dreams are shattering apart
And crashing to the ground

I cannot believe my eyes
How the world’s filled with filth and lies
But it’s plain to see
Evil inside of me is on the rise "

"
death, it doesn't scare me thinking that you're somewhere on your way
i can't go on pretending i might never see the day
it's not hard for me to picture but makes me feel out of place
i hope i'm not afraid when i see you face to face

to some you're like a prison when they've yet to taste freedom
and maybe you feel bitter because Jesus broke your kingdom
once you felt so powerful and power made you happy
but now you're like a ferry boat
now you're like a taxi

when i die whatever you might say, don't say i'm gone
gone is not the word for someone who finally found his way back home"

Trying not to feel so...
Confused.
Trying not to feel so...
Bitter.

And all on my birthday too.

Broken Synapses

Another milestone,
the year out of the way
so why of all feelings
is a tightening like a millstone?

I want thing to work.
Words to rhyme.
Couplings to beings.

I'm tired and worn out that...I don't even know why.

"Lonely Day" - System of a Down

So...twenty-six.
Yikes.
This is awkward...

Sometimes caring at all is the hardest part.

You Know...

It's amazing how alone, really is alone.
Trying to hope...
So sick with bronchitis, strep throat, diverticulosis, anxiety, depression.

I wonder why.
Why.
Why.
I wonder.

Such vivid loneliness.
Palatable.
Tangible.
Painful.

Aching in my soul,
coursing through my blood
and ripping through my mind.

Caring was the first mistake.
Dreaming was just losing perspective
and pretending,
merely pretending
there was more than it seemed.

Quote of the Day:

"No girl who plays the role of a hero dates a guy who uses her. She knows who she is."
-Donald Miller

Quote of the Day:

“Courage isn’t just a matter of not being frightened, you know. It’s being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway.”
-The Third Doctor

Day One of Unemployment

Working on working on working on things!!!

Except them to be on:

www.lamecreation.com
https://twitter.com/LordSquishy
http://lordsquishy.tumblr.com/

Besides job hunting I'm trying to fill my hours with productivity in order to keep the Depression, Anxiety and Panic Attack monsters at bay!

Caring, fighting and living take such effort.
Hope...somewhere.

Quote of the Day:

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
-Ferris Bueller

Hrmmm

Psalm 91

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him."
-Psalm 91:1-2

Oh Father.
Abba.
I'm so tired, so weak.
I feel like I am close, oh so desperately close to making progress.
But what is my progress?
What is this life?

I want passion again.
The fire and conviction burning in my soul.
I miss You.
Desperately.

My choices...so scary, confusing.
I want to rest in the warmth of Your arms.
Hold me tight.
Be my Father.
Help me.
Please.

I need, need, need You.
Thank You.
Please wash away my shame, my dirt, my pain and all this discomfort and make me Yours.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again.

Thank You...

"All alone, or in two's,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.

And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall."

Daily Residuals

Another day or two of trying to do the right thing.
Breathing deeply.
Pushing back against the night.
The demons and howls of violence,
creeping under the door
and into the mind.

'ing and 'ing
again and again.
It is a pity you do not pick up irony.
Otherwise the cafe might be full by now.

Insomnia

Yeah.
It sucks.

Metaphor for the Evening

I think keeping a foot in the door while getting some fresh air may be in order.

Or even putting a door stop.

One long weekend that is only halfway over.
Can't do anything but go up from here!

I want to go Home.

"Where is the light that I thought I was promised?
Where is the truth and the hope and the way?
I’ve lost my footing, my spine, my eyes
Everything keeps slipping away
Where is the storybook ending?
The love, the joy, the laughter?
Is all there is just nothing at all?
Is there anything that matters?
Is this all we get for our lives?
And after everything, why is it still so lonely?
So blank, so dry, so numb?
Are we brought up just to crack and bleed out?
Unravel, coming undone?
Is this all we get?

Is this all we get for our lives?
Is this all we get?"