Living, and Missing the Dreams

Weird how life always continues.
"With or without you"
It is really just so strange to be alive.
Feeling.
Breathing.
Aching.
Hurting.

Feeling the air enter and leave, my body aching while fighting off the virus and bacterias that keep trying to kill it.

The nerve cells freaking out and screaming messages here and there.

But air and water pass through my body, somehow allowing my soul to maneuver, fire thoughts that are interpreted by my aching, shaking hands.

Life.
Alive.
Beauty even while there is pain.
Goodness even when there is a dark.
The Darkness cannot overcome.
Hope lives.


Love will win.

Quote of the Day:

“The story goes that a public sinner was excommunicated and forbidden entry to the church. He took his woes to God. 'They won't let me in, Lord, because I am a sinner.'

'What are you complaining about?' said God. 'They won't let Me in either.”
-Brennan Manning

...it seems every time I stop to look...you aren't there...

"Why, Mr. Anderson, why, why? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something, for more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love?

"Illusions, Mr. Anderson, vagaries of perception! Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose! And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although, only a human mind could create something as insipid as love!

"You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson, you must know it by now, you can't win! It's pointless to keep fighting! Why, Mr. Anderson, why?! Why do you persist?!"

"Because I choose to."

It took till the fourth day.
That has to be an all time personal best for me.

I never quite realized how much of this feels like just one big lie.

Heh.

At least I have the refuge of the comedic.

Laughing while this damn ship is burning down as it sinks.

Meh.

I'm so tired of being sick.
In pain.
So...tired of this isolation.
Lack of in person human interaction.
Genuine, trusting, humane interaction.

"Creep" - Radiohead

Well that was twenty times on repeat.
Time to do something else...

"But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here"

Night Courses in Despondency

Clicking into midnight,
falling, falling and spinning
working for insight
just as the static rises
blinding and aching in my soul,
wanting you,
yeah babe just wanting You.

Interference on the horizon,
losing sight
and the distance hurts.
Yeah it's a given
but with the fading light
it's just death to my comfort.

Again, again and again
spinning on life's merry-go-round
and thought I've wanted off,
here I will stay.

Spinning, fading and dreaming.
Night coming and going,
learning and plotting
and hoping
just hoping for more.

Psalm 79

"Help us, O God of our salvation!
Help us for the glory of your name.
Save us and forgive our sins
for the honor of your name."
-Psalm 79:9

I never know what to pray and as much as I claim to dislike the Psalms...seems every time I make myself read there is something relevant.

I feel so...disconnected, so out of synch.
With this.
That.
Everything.
Everyone.
This world.
The Church.

You are the only One whom I know and feel any peace with.
Others do help.
Prayer.
Comfort.
Love.
But only You understand.
Only You grasp who this fool typing is.
And have poured out boundless love on me.
Time again.
Wiped away sin.
Purified and cleansed the mess of my soul.

But once again here we are.
Public records and melting pots of confusion.
Why do I persist in this foolishness?
I'm not quite sure if I made the point of the extent of my silliness if not insanity.
But I keep trying.
With some modest success I might add.

Once again we must away.
Cover me in Love, Hope and Grace.
Not the abstract ideas that most people seem to think of.
But the Love which pulled me from Hell.
And is continually pulling me out of my personal Hell.
This war against depression, anxiety, ptsd and panic attacks.

Yeah.
You know.
You alone.
Here we go again.
Thank You.

Quote of the Day:

"When people impute special vices to the Christian Church, they seem entirely to forget that the world (which is the only other thing there is) has these vices much more. The Church has been cruel; but the world has been much more cruel. The Church has plotted; but the world has plotted much more. The Church has been superstitious; but it has never been so superstitious as the world is when left to itself."
-G.K. Chesterton

Psalm 77

"I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
Oh, that God would listen to me!
When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help.
Interlude
You don’t let me sleep.
I am too distressed even to pray!
I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion?"
-Psalm 77:1-9

So.
Yeah.
You do that thing.
Where you do that thing.
And that other thing.
Knowing.
Seeing.
Predestination.
Depression, panic attack, anxiety, pain, nausea, fear, doubt, argument, need to be held, to cry, to love and be loved...and Lover, You whisper to me across this unfathomable divide between here and Eternity.

Whisper such sweet Love.
Compassion for my wounds.
Love to this broken soul.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Words are never enough.
Never can be, never could be enough.

"The First Time" - U2

"We're all trapped in a maze of relationships
Life goes on with or without you
I swim in the sea of the unconscious
I search for your heart, pursuing my true self"

Psalm 75

"It is God alone who judges;
he decides who will rise and who will fall."
-Psalm 75:7

I wish I had more to say.
Things are so vague.
So blank.
Washing out and falling away.
Wondering, wonder and hope.

Quote of the Day:

“When Catholicism goes bad it becomes the religion of amulets and holy places and priest craft; Protestantism, in its corresponding decay, becomes a vague mist of ethical platitudes.”
– C.S. Lewis

Quote of the Day:

"There have been men before … who got so interested in proving the existence of God that they came to care nothing for God himself… as if the good Lord had nothing to do but to exist. There have been some who were so preoccupied with spreading Christianity that they never gave a thought to Christ."
-C.S. Lewis

Psalm 72

^"He will rescue the poor when they cry to him;
he will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them.
He feels pity for the weak and the needy,
and he will rescue them.
He will redeem them from oppression and violence,
for their lives are precious to him."
-Psalm 72:12-14

So much heart-wrenching irony.

I wish I had answers for everything and everyone.
Or at least myself.
It seems the path to recovery is full of falling down, scraping my knees, fighting by tears, getting up and continue to walk on in despite of the pain.

When you rip away the titles the self serving gibberish and all the lies we tell to ourselves in order to justify what we do...we are more frighteningly alike than we would ever care to admit.

That leaves me responsible for me.
Accepting.
Forgiving.
Moving.
Loving.
Me.

Change is so terrifying.
So beautiful, so terrifying, so wonderful.
All at once.
Thanks for being a King and a God who knows what reality, what humanity is...for being God and man at once...full Theos and fully human bound flesh...enigma and paradox...so much love.

My heart cries out for You.
Nothing else is real.
Everything else is fading.
Thank You for never giving up on me.

Ask a stupid question...

"Highschool of the Dead"

You know, I am not entirely sure what I expected.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin

Giving, Living, Wishing while Adrift in this boat

If I speak,
will you listen?
If I screamed,
could you hear?

Distance is making reality dimmer
as the hope tunes out
with static glistens
air waving like it simmers.

Lips forming words
and breath giving life
as they stream,
pouring out of my soul
and still you cannot hear
just like plunging a sword
stirring up the strife
and still I dream.

Mixing metaphors
and matching symptoms
just so I can justify bleeding
out of my heart
and onto this page.

Minimizing pleasure
while maximizing the pain,
seems I became masochistic
did that happen overnight?

I offer all I offer
and say all I say.

Pretentious poem
begging for answers
just as well
the poet
doesn't have the tools
or means
of fixing this
machine
as it falls,
falters
and falls apart.

"And so one morning just before dawn you came
And so with the dawn you've come

I think I've known you all along
Just lost your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
So ask me now and I'll run away with you"

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!"
-Psalm 46:1-3


Refuge and strength.
Security and strength.
Support and safety.
These things...and more.
I need them.
I miss them.
I do not know if I ever had them.

It's like I am living life in this fog.
And confusion.
The road to healing is a long and painful one.
But far from impossible.

I feel more hope now than I have in a long time.
Despite the pain, the exhaustion and the want to hide.
In spite of circumstances and pain I have and will hope.

Every time I have tried quitting I have had Jesus drag me back.
Again.
And again.
So I will continue to hope.
I am loved.
And wanted by my Beloved.

There are so many good things, wonderful and beautiful things.
With my body and mind starting to heal I think I will be able to see them.
This is just going to be a lifetime process.
Adjustments to my life and lifestyle.

Hope beyond hope.
Love beyond love.
My Beloved is mine and I am His.
He has sought me through the darkness and Hell.
The imposed isolation and fear.
And carried me, carried me so far.
Hallelujah.

Psalm 44

" Rise up! Help us!
Ransom us because of your unfailing love."
- Psalm 44:26

Things feel so dry.
It doesn't help I'm hurting to the point where focusing feels almost impossible.
I want to hide.
Find a place to let the rocks fall on me.
So I will never have to deal with this life again.

But that is the old me.
The person I never want to be again.
The weakness, the fear, the inability to act and the desire to never confront or deal with things.

But there is hope.
Even in pain.
And darkness.
Hope eternal.