"Who has believed our message?
To whom has the Lord revealed his powerful arm?
My servant grew up in the Lord’s presence like a tender green shoot,
like a root in dry ground.
There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance,
nothing to attract us to him.
He was despised and rejected—
a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
He was despised, and we did not care.
Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
it was our sorrows that weighed him down.
And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
a punishment for his own sins!
But he was pierced for our rebellion,
crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
He was whipped so we could be healed.
All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.
We have left God’s paths to follow our own.
Yet the Lord laid on him
the sins of us all."
-Isaiah 53:1-6
Sometimes I forget who I am and where I am going.
One of the hardest things to do when you are lost in the woods is see the entire perspective, that old adage of "Not seeing the forest because of the trees"
For those who have or do go through chronic pain on a nearly daily basis you know what I mean. I wake up in the morning wondering if I am going to be sick and able to attend class or if things will be alright until I eat something.
Friday I found out the results of the biopsies from the tests were all negative. It is great that I am not suffering from some sort of cancer, Chron's disease, Lupus (although it is NEVER Lupus) or spontaneous human combustion. Even though it is none of those problems the fact that there IS no label or real way of expressing what is wrong with me.
For once the doctor I saw believed I was sick and in excruciating pain. However the best he could come up with is just my fibromyalgia is just amplifying what might otherwise be a mild case of IBS and pending check up visits with him I've sort of exhausted the avenues of medical science once again.
If nothing else at least my body is persist in staying sick.
If you gotta do something wrong, you might as well do it right, right?
I am not the sort of person who tries to super spiritualize every little thing in life but something as aggressive and life changing as perpetual sickness has to have some bearing in my life...in other words if I wasn't so sick and dealing with these problems I would not be who I am today.
That opens up a very interesting dimension to life.
For all rights and purposes my doctor was right in thinking I was crazy to continue school while being so sick, but honestly, what else can I do except try?
I would rather try and fail every single class this semester then cancel my classes and just lay in bed all day writing very bad poetry.
I don't want to sound like a martyr and I hate feeling like I may somehow be using my sickness to garner sympathy or support. There are people in this world who suffer much more than I do...in ways I guess that may be my point.
I have had a couple of rather amazing friends say to me to find a way to "give this disease back to God" a way to make something beautiful come out of something that is stupefyingly horrible.
I have a unique look at life because of being so sick.
I have seen too many hospitals, have had more blood taken and IV's started then I care to remember...but each one of those hospital visits is a part of the construction in making me the Matt Pike I was, I am and I will be.
There is something absolutely amazing with that passage from Isiah, it predicts that Jesus will be a "man of constant sorrows", one that is infinitely familiar with rejection, ridicule and hatred for daring to go to those that were deemed "dirty", "unclean" and not worthy of grace (not that any are but it seems the religious prig is always ready to point the finger) and even those who killed him.
What an insane Messiah, one who doesn't care about our idea of polite society and the sort of deity you can't simply say to hush and please stop talking about eating and drinking his blood and flesh.(John 6:47-55)
It's almost like because I am in this pain and have to make choices...every choice, every decision sort of has much grander and much lasting effects than if I was not in pain or so sick all the time.
I really do believe in being honest to God and there is nothing more asinine then pretending we are okay when we are quite clearly not. I try to lie and hide from people about how sick I can be...but why try to fool the one that put me together?
I care enough to voice my thoughts of doubt, of pain and just how life can be so insane...not just for me but the kind of world we live in where it seems we are always just a single heart beat away from immense pain.
And the resounding reply from above that I have heard of lately has been, "If you care so much, then do something about it."
Just like they were saying...take this pain and be honest, be candid, be yourself...ultimately show people the daily miracle of grace that makes life what it is.
Maybe that sounds too hokey or mystical...but what else can I do?
What else should I do?
People (read that as I) are always happy to point out how bad things are, how worse life is getting...but few are willing to actually stand there and do something lasting, effective...something beyond meetings and strategies.
The past few years have been what I would consider the wanderings in the wilderness. I still do not see where I am going...but no matter how dark the path seems there have been an infinite number of blessings and people to prop me up and help me.
I think the most perplexing part is that those who do not share my convictions and beliefs have been some of my biggest supporters during this time. Life is too great and too terribly beautiful to ever be able to give proper thanks to you all.
Even in my most nihilistic moments...I think I will be able to look back and see the grace that helped me make it here, that it was all worth it...and I will only be able to mumble a very small thanks and finally be Home.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Proverbs 3
"Do not withhold good from those who deserve it
when it’s in your power to help them.
If you can help your neighbor now, don’t say,
“Come back tomorrow, and then I’ll help you.”
Don’t plot harm against your neighbor,
for those who live nearby trust you.
Don’t pick a fight without reason,
when no one has done you harm.
Don’t envy violent people
or copy their ways.
Such wicked people are detestable to the Lord,
but he offers his friendship to the godly."
-Proverbs 3:27-32
God you confuse me and I rarely understand what is going on.
However as I have been force to admit in recent memory is that love doesn't require understanding.
Being in pain and sick so often...I guess you get a little perspective of what matters because who knows what tomorrow may bring, assuming there is even one?
What good does being mad accomplish?
What can my rage do?
The only thing positive that can come out of it...comes from you, letting you mold my actions and my intentions into something...more, more, more.
Why do I breath?
Live?
Strive beyond this moment for something else?
Something more?
What am I living for?
How much of life is open to making mistakes, walking and crossing over, tumbling, falling and savoring?
Everything is...everything in its own way...but...there is so much doubt and fear for one I never seem to shut up complaining to.
Oie.
Peace, hope and love...so far away, so far from my understanding...but grace...pure grace. God's grace...my comfort, my salvation, my rock...my Love.
when it’s in your power to help them.
If you can help your neighbor now, don’t say,
“Come back tomorrow, and then I’ll help you.”
Don’t plot harm against your neighbor,
for those who live nearby trust you.
Don’t pick a fight without reason,
when no one has done you harm.
Don’t envy violent people
or copy their ways.
Such wicked people are detestable to the Lord,
but he offers his friendship to the godly."
-Proverbs 3:27-32
God you confuse me and I rarely understand what is going on.
However as I have been force to admit in recent memory is that love doesn't require understanding.
Being in pain and sick so often...I guess you get a little perspective of what matters because who knows what tomorrow may bring, assuming there is even one?
What good does being mad accomplish?
What can my rage do?
The only thing positive that can come out of it...comes from you, letting you mold my actions and my intentions into something...more, more, more.
Why do I breath?
Live?
Strive beyond this moment for something else?
Something more?
What am I living for?
How much of life is open to making mistakes, walking and crossing over, tumbling, falling and savoring?
Everything is...everything in its own way...but...there is so much doubt and fear for one I never seem to shut up complaining to.
Oie.
Peace, hope and love...so far away, so far from my understanding...but grace...pure grace. God's grace...my comfort, my salvation, my rock...my Love.
Quote of the Day:
"Maybe there is a touch of insanity to think you or I could really make a difference, knowing who we are, that we could somehow change the course of history. If it's normal to wake up in the morning and just try to make it through the day, then I vote for abnormality. I choose insanity."
-Erwin Raphael McManus
-Erwin Raphael McManus
Another day of pain and medication.
I keep loosing track of time.
Up is down, left is right and my heart's rhyme is off tempo.
Sometimes I wonder where I am, where I am going and if I have already arrived.
I really do not like how the medication makes me feel...but sometimes it makes the pain my body is in decrease.
Sometimes it feels like I have just been in pain my entire life and that is all there is or will ever be.
My Savior, my Love, my Lord, my Daddy, my King, my Maker...all of these you are...please, please heal me.
Reduce or remove the pain...
I know I ask in vain because I at least know...it is for a reason.
The reason would not make sense to me and I would never be brave enough to have picked this road on my own.
But here stand, You and I.
Forever entwined and even when I falter and fail, you love me all the same.
I keep loosing track of time.
Up is down, left is right and my heart's rhyme is off tempo.
Sometimes I wonder where I am, where I am going and if I have already arrived.
I really do not like how the medication makes me feel...but sometimes it makes the pain my body is in decrease.
Sometimes it feels like I have just been in pain my entire life and that is all there is or will ever be.
My Savior, my Love, my Lord, my Daddy, my King, my Maker...all of these you are...please, please heal me.
Reduce or remove the pain...
I know I ask in vain because I at least know...it is for a reason.
The reason would not make sense to me and I would never be brave enough to have picked this road on my own.
But here stand, You and I.
Forever entwined and even when I falter and fail, you love me all the same.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Proverbs 2
"My child, listen to what I say,
and treasure my commands.
Tune your ears to wisdom,
and concentrate on understanding.
Cry out for insight,
and ask for understanding.
Search for them as you would for silver;
seek them like hidden treasures.
Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord,
and you will gain knowledge of God."
-Proverbs 2:1-5
What can I...should I...hope to say?
I am so tired that I think I just need to lay here.
Speak to me please, pull me up and out of this comfort of self.
I would like to love you, love others...please help me because I do not know how I could ever do this on my own.
It is silly how much I talk about me, with my requests, my thoughts...what I want, what I need...I...I...I...
Is that all I care about?
The Mammon Machine just pumping out more magic, just a few more sold souls in order to rule the world.
At any point you could have tossed me to the streets but you didn't...you could have left me when I started complaining.
You are so faithful, so beautiful, so wonderful to a broken wretch such as I.
Why would you seek for me to love you?
Desire my love out of all those in this chaotic world?
Thank you Love, thank you.
My God, my Lord, my Shepard, my Teacher, my Messiah, my Savior...my Redeemer.
Daddy, thank you.
Thank you for being infinite, boundless, full of grace, loving...but when the time is right you are Judge, powerful...this tumulus storm of love that you refuse to let us remain where we are...and you will do right.
Just...thank you.
and treasure my commands.
Tune your ears to wisdom,
and concentrate on understanding.
Cry out for insight,
and ask for understanding.
Search for them as you would for silver;
seek them like hidden treasures.
Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord,
and you will gain knowledge of God."
-Proverbs 2:1-5
What can I...should I...hope to say?
I am so tired that I think I just need to lay here.
Speak to me please, pull me up and out of this comfort of self.
I would like to love you, love others...please help me because I do not know how I could ever do this on my own.
It is silly how much I talk about me, with my requests, my thoughts...what I want, what I need...I...I...I...
Is that all I care about?
The Mammon Machine just pumping out more magic, just a few more sold souls in order to rule the world.
At any point you could have tossed me to the streets but you didn't...you could have left me when I started complaining.
You are so faithful, so beautiful, so wonderful to a broken wretch such as I.
Why would you seek for me to love you?
Desire my love out of all those in this chaotic world?
Thank you Love, thank you.
My God, my Lord, my Shepard, my Teacher, my Messiah, my Savior...my Redeemer.
Daddy, thank you.
Thank you for being infinite, boundless, full of grace, loving...but when the time is right you are Judge, powerful...this tumulus storm of love that you refuse to let us remain where we are...and you will do right.
Just...thank you.
"October/New Years Day" - U2
October
And the trees are stripped bare
Of all they wear
What do I care
October
And kingdoms rise and kingdoms fall
But You go on
And on
Friday, October 1, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."
-Stephen King
-Stephen King
I found out the biopsies taken last week during the test were all negative.
The good news is I have nothing like Bubonic Plague, cancer, deep seated infection or Chronic Spontaneous Human Combustion Disorder. However this also means I really don't have a diagnosis beyond fibromyalgia.
Illness - 12, Medical Science - 0
The good news is I have nothing like Bubonic Plague, cancer, deep seated infection or Chronic Spontaneous Human Combustion Disorder. However this also means I really don't have a diagnosis beyond fibromyalgia.
Illness - 12, Medical Science - 0
Okay.
I am slightly freaked out because I think Jesus finally said something to me.
I have been ranting about being sick but my biggest theological question I have been grappling with the past few years (even my senior thesis was on this) is why are good people, any INNOCENT people suffering?
Africa, Europe, Asia, the Americas...starvation, disease, neglect, ignorance...thousands if not millions of lives wasting away...dying from malnutrition, preventable disease...STUPID poverty that by all rights should not exist in the twenty-first situation.
Do you want to know what Jesus said?
It could have been a message out of Job.
No answers, no defense, no justification...just the beautiful way Jesus tends to take situations and turn them around on you.
It was simply this:
"If you care so much why aren't you doing something about it?"
By all means this could just be the product of a sick mind being turned in on itself...but it matches with Scripture to the best of my knowledge.
I rant, write, kick up dust and draw circles in the sand...but what is it I am really doing?
Right now I am too tired, too exhausted to sort things out...but the two groups that come to mind that I need to do more stuff with is One, Amnesty International, World Vision and Voice of the Martyrs.
I have signed petitions in the past...but the gross amount of hypocrisy is that I stopped there...I have not made it a regular issue to pray about...or write about.
That needs to change...
I don't have to change the world.
I can be sick and be in excruciating pain until I fall over dead.
I don't care, I know I am going to die sooner or later...the only thing I even remotely care about right now is being faithful to the post I have been called to.
I think that will require some serious reflection and thought.
I am slightly freaked out because I think Jesus finally said something to me.
I have been ranting about being sick but my biggest theological question I have been grappling with the past few years (even my senior thesis was on this) is why are good people, any INNOCENT people suffering?
Africa, Europe, Asia, the Americas...starvation, disease, neglect, ignorance...thousands if not millions of lives wasting away...dying from malnutrition, preventable disease...STUPID poverty that by all rights should not exist in the twenty-first situation.
Do you want to know what Jesus said?
It could have been a message out of Job.
No answers, no defense, no justification...just the beautiful way Jesus tends to take situations and turn them around on you.
It was simply this:
"If you care so much why aren't you doing something about it?"
By all means this could just be the product of a sick mind being turned in on itself...but it matches with Scripture to the best of my knowledge.
I rant, write, kick up dust and draw circles in the sand...but what is it I am really doing?
Right now I am too tired, too exhausted to sort things out...but the two groups that come to mind that I need to do more stuff with is One, Amnesty International, World Vision and Voice of the Martyrs.
I have signed petitions in the past...but the gross amount of hypocrisy is that I stopped there...I have not made it a regular issue to pray about...or write about.
That needs to change...
I don't have to change the world.
I can be sick and be in excruciating pain until I fall over dead.
I don't care, I know I am going to die sooner or later...the only thing I even remotely care about right now is being faithful to the post I have been called to.
I think that will require some serious reflection and thought.
Anger is such a useless emotion.
Things go bad and all apart...I am perhaps the only person in the whole world who manages to accomplish nothing when I am angry.
I cannot yell at anyone, hurt them, break things or anything whatsoever...I actually care about people so I can't treat them as objects to use and toss away when I get done with them.
I just...
I am so frustrated with my body not healing, not getting better...small things get under my skin and agitate me...and I just forget why I am even alive in the first place.
Father I am so weary...I find no rest in sleep from the nightmares and most of my waking moments are marked second by second from the pain that comes from breathing, walking, eating food...what am I supposed to do?
I want to believe it will get better than you actually give a damn about me...but my faith isn't that strong. I feel like...I have tried, I have done this...I have done that and ultimately it's all been pointless, meaningless...because I can't even function, I can barely make it to class.
I have nothing left.
I am beyond exhausted and the medication...does nothing, it makes me unable to function.
What kind of sick joke is this?
I feel like I am just falling apart faster every day...and the best service I could do is just to remove every presence of myself here...and there...just find some solitude and peace in the darkness.
Things go bad and all apart...I am perhaps the only person in the whole world who manages to accomplish nothing when I am angry.
I cannot yell at anyone, hurt them, break things or anything whatsoever...I actually care about people so I can't treat them as objects to use and toss away when I get done with them.
I just...
I am so frustrated with my body not healing, not getting better...small things get under my skin and agitate me...and I just forget why I am even alive in the first place.
Father I am so weary...I find no rest in sleep from the nightmares and most of my waking moments are marked second by second from the pain that comes from breathing, walking, eating food...what am I supposed to do?
I want to believe it will get better than you actually give a damn about me...but my faith isn't that strong. I feel like...I have tried, I have done this...I have done that and ultimately it's all been pointless, meaningless...because I can't even function, I can barely make it to class.
I have nothing left.
I am beyond exhausted and the medication...does nothing, it makes me unable to function.
What kind of sick joke is this?
I feel like I am just falling apart faster every day...and the best service I could do is just to remove every presence of myself here...and there...just find some solitude and peace in the darkness.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Psalm 150
Praise the Lord!
Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heaven!
Praise him for his mighty works;
praise his unequaled greatness!
Praise him with a blast of the ram’s horn;
praise him with the lyre and harp!
Praise him with the tambourine and dancing;
praise him with strings and flutes!
Praise him with a clash of cymbals;
praise him with loud clanging cymbals.
Let everything that breathes sing praises to the Lord!
Praise the Lord!
-Psalm 150:1-6
I (mostly) read through the Psalms once again.
It has been an insane summer and fall.
I feel different and think I am no longer the same person I was at the start of summer. For better or for worse it has been a period of time...seconds, minutes, hours, days...just flowing and pulling at me...demanding change.
I really, really, really do not feel like praising right now.
Praising you in the pain is hard.
Even though I may be healing...pain is everywhere it seems.
I can breathe.
I do not really know what else to do...except smile and laugh through the anguish as the best I can.
You are good.
Even when I don't want to admit it.
Even when I am just laying here hurting so much.
I don't have sufficient words.
Life, life, life, life...
What more can I say or do?
I feel so distant and close at the same time.
I have missed so much class that I can barely believe tomorrow is October.
Another three months and it'll be Christmas...another six or seven months and I'll be done with school here.
I want to love you, even though I feel like I keep loosing my path with every step I take...but here I am, still alive.
Every choice, every decision, every time you have rescued me has brought me closer on this path...closer to you...closer to how things can or may be...good and evil, life and death, love and loss...everything is spinning and falling further out of sync as sin continues to mangle and deteriorate everything.
And yet...this is for the good?
I don't know how...I just know that it is truth, something I can't deny because it has engulfed me and turned me inside and out...making me have love and compassion where there was nothing but a desert of apathy.
I'm afraid I am becoming a darker, much more cynical and apathetic monster because of the pain...the sin of life...yet you break this heart of stone every time I try to push you out.
I think that alone is worth praising.
I have nothing to offer you except my wicked heart.
It is a gift, an offering far too small.
Yet, you will have me?
Messiah born in Bethlehem,
You have seen my words, my deeds and actions;
paltry things
always the bare minimum
while I beg you
to feed my hunger
and lusts of my heart.
You see the mercenary
the bastard I try to be
and You refuse
to let me
simply fall apart
and fade into the shadows.
A Cosmic Meddler
But the one calling me
breaking me
and pouring life
into my soul.
You have surveyed the desolation
and the ever spreading wasteland
that my soul
makes itself to be
just to hide from love
and flee from maturity.
Would any one of us,
any single one of us
have agreed to this
given a choice?
Were the fallen angels
found wanting
because they saw the horror
and gave into despair?
I hunger and thirst
but not for righteousness
as much as my own way.
The means and paths I walk,
while pretending to be.
Again, again and again...
When will the cycle stop?
Will this be the now and then
forever and forever?
I just...want to find peace.
Rest in you.
Find love in you.
Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heaven!
Praise him for his mighty works;
praise his unequaled greatness!
Praise him with a blast of the ram’s horn;
praise him with the lyre and harp!
Praise him with the tambourine and dancing;
praise him with strings and flutes!
Praise him with a clash of cymbals;
praise him with loud clanging cymbals.
Let everything that breathes sing praises to the Lord!
Praise the Lord!
-Psalm 150:1-6
I (mostly) read through the Psalms once again.
It has been an insane summer and fall.
I feel different and think I am no longer the same person I was at the start of summer. For better or for worse it has been a period of time...seconds, minutes, hours, days...just flowing and pulling at me...demanding change.
I really, really, really do not feel like praising right now.
Praising you in the pain is hard.
Even though I may be healing...pain is everywhere it seems.
I can breathe.
I do not really know what else to do...except smile and laugh through the anguish as the best I can.
You are good.
Even when I don't want to admit it.
Even when I am just laying here hurting so much.
I don't have sufficient words.
Life, life, life, life...
What more can I say or do?
I feel so distant and close at the same time.
I have missed so much class that I can barely believe tomorrow is October.
Another three months and it'll be Christmas...another six or seven months and I'll be done with school here.
I want to love you, even though I feel like I keep loosing my path with every step I take...but here I am, still alive.
Every choice, every decision, every time you have rescued me has brought me closer on this path...closer to you...closer to how things can or may be...good and evil, life and death, love and loss...everything is spinning and falling further out of sync as sin continues to mangle and deteriorate everything.
And yet...this is for the good?
I don't know how...I just know that it is truth, something I can't deny because it has engulfed me and turned me inside and out...making me have love and compassion where there was nothing but a desert of apathy.
I'm afraid I am becoming a darker, much more cynical and apathetic monster because of the pain...the sin of life...yet you break this heart of stone every time I try to push you out.
I think that alone is worth praising.
I have nothing to offer you except my wicked heart.
It is a gift, an offering far too small.
Yet, you will have me?
Messiah born in Bethlehem,
You have seen my words, my deeds and actions;
paltry things
always the bare minimum
while I beg you
to feed my hunger
and lusts of my heart.
You see the mercenary
the bastard I try to be
and You refuse
to let me
simply fall apart
and fade into the shadows.
A Cosmic Meddler
But the one calling me
breaking me
and pouring life
into my soul.
You have surveyed the desolation
and the ever spreading wasteland
that my soul
makes itself to be
just to hide from love
and flee from maturity.
Would any one of us,
any single one of us
have agreed to this
given a choice?
Were the fallen angels
found wanting
because they saw the horror
and gave into despair?
I hunger and thirst
but not for righteousness
as much as my own way.
The means and paths I walk,
while pretending to be.
Again, again and again...
When will the cycle stop?
Will this be the now and then
forever and forever?
I just...want to find peace.
Rest in you.
Find love in you.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Again, Again, Again
Why bother?
That needs an answer.
No more dodging the question.
No more hiding behind people.
No more of the shadows.
Just another cut
more feedback
coming through your speakers
as you look dumbfounded,
I guess the world wasn't your oyster?
Maybe it'll open up
and you can collect the dust
that was never a pearl.
But it's not like it's different,
nothing except repetitions
as I gaze out the window
of the concrete tomb
I call my home away from home.
Never will the night last,
but that doesn't mean much
except that most of us won't make it out.
But Home,
sweet and beautiful Home.
The one place I have never seen
but the place I have been looking
and crawling to
all of my life.
I may spend all my time,
waste all my blood and
shed my tears
but I will never bow to you.
Silly little wooden idols
you lost my attention
just as soon as everything happened.
That needs an answer.
No more dodging the question.
No more hiding behind people.
No more of the shadows.
Just another cut
more feedback
coming through your speakers
as you look dumbfounded,
I guess the world wasn't your oyster?
Maybe it'll open up
and you can collect the dust
that was never a pearl.
But it's not like it's different,
nothing except repetitions
as I gaze out the window
of the concrete tomb
I call my home away from home.
Never will the night last,
but that doesn't mean much
except that most of us won't make it out.
But Home,
sweet and beautiful Home.
The one place I have never seen
but the place I have been looking
and crawling to
all of my life.
I may spend all my time,
waste all my blood and
shed my tears
but I will never bow to you.
Silly little wooden idols
you lost my attention
just as soon as everything happened.
Digressions
What to know
what to see
what to feel
what to be
what to care
what to have
what to touch
what to hate
what to love
what to destroy
what to build
and everything you wanted me to be.
Shallow anorexic shadows dance
just vapid images on the wall
as the light reflects
and illuminates
making us all wish to flee
from the righteous wrath to come.
what to see
what to feel
what to be
what to care
what to have
what to touch
what to hate
what to love
what to destroy
what to build
and everything you wanted me to be.
Shallow anorexic shadows dance
just vapid images on the wall
as the light reflects
and illuminates
making us all wish to flee
from the righteous wrath to come.
I feel so tired...this semester feels like it has been longer than a month...more like several years.
Maybe I will graduate this spring...that way I will never have to step foot in this city or at this school again. That alone is something to look forward to.
I just am having trouble looking beyond the incredible amounts of pain I am in today, how I just don't know what to do...how to deal with being in so much pain...feeling so...disjointed and out of place.
How much...really matters that I try?
What in my life...is actually worth doing?
Anytime I can sit here and not be in pain feels like borrowed time I am rapidly running out of.
Oh well...people are people.
Can't really expect them to do anything except serve their best interests at the end of the day.
Sometimes they will surprise you by moving beyond their inner drive for self preservation...but it is certainly not something ever worth holding your breath over.
All of creation is slowly unwinding...as the world falls apart from the inside out.
This sort of...radiant decay as it were.
There is some good to be seen in it, much good when you dig deep.
Just...a good potion of hope seems to be based on willing blindness and building upon the misery of others...which is tragic in and of itself.
Progress that destroys, breaks and corrupts is never progress.
Just lightly veiled sin.
Maybe I will graduate this spring...that way I will never have to step foot in this city or at this school again. That alone is something to look forward to.
I just am having trouble looking beyond the incredible amounts of pain I am in today, how I just don't know what to do...how to deal with being in so much pain...feeling so...disjointed and out of place.
How much...really matters that I try?
What in my life...is actually worth doing?
Anytime I can sit here and not be in pain feels like borrowed time I am rapidly running out of.
Oh well...people are people.
Can't really expect them to do anything except serve their best interests at the end of the day.
Sometimes they will surprise you by moving beyond their inner drive for self preservation...but it is certainly not something ever worth holding your breath over.
All of creation is slowly unwinding...as the world falls apart from the inside out.
This sort of...radiant decay as it were.
There is some good to be seen in it, much good when you dig deep.
Just...a good potion of hope seems to be based on willing blindness and building upon the misery of others...which is tragic in and of itself.
Progress that destroys, breaks and corrupts is never progress.
Just lightly veiled sin.
-Galatians 3:13-14
"But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law. When he was hung on the cross, he took upon himself the curse for our wrongdoing. For it is written in the Scriptures, “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.” Through Christ Jesus, God has blessed the Gentiles with the same blessing he promised to Abraham, so that we who are believers might receive the promised Holy Spirit through faith."
-Galatians 3:13-14
I."But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law."
-The law was the guide to the Israelite, the Jewish nation, that they were given after the Exodus from Egypt and camped at the base of Mt.Sinai. God gave Moses the law of what was expected of the people if they wanted to join God in a covenant, a marriage of the people to God that was a fulfillment he had made to their ancestors.
-Humanity has been divided from God, from grace by choosing to ignore God and in fact act against him and one another. God told Adam in the garden that to eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil would mean that he would die. The consequence of sin is death, one cannot have sin and be with God because we would be destroyed.
-The law in a sense acted to show what we could not do on our own, even though there was a sacrifice system so that the Jews could have forgiveness for themselves, their families and as a nation the blood of the animals was only a temporary fix, it did not solve the ultimate problem of humanity being separated from God.
-However Jesus Christ acting as both high priest and the final sacrificial lamb opened a way for people to be fully reconciled and not have to face the ultimate punishment for their sin.
II."When he was hung on the cross, he took upon himself the curse for our wrongdoing."
-Acting as the ultimate sacrifice for our sins he took upon the punishment we deserved for acting against God and each other.
-He was the lamb slain so that the division between God and man could finally be filled.
III."For it is written in the Scriptures, “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.”"
-This quote is from Deuteronomy 21:23
-Jesus became cursed for us so that we would not have to endure the full consequences of our actions.
IV."Through Christ Jesus, God has blessed the Gentiles with the same blessing he promised to Abraham, so that we who are believers might receive the promised Holy Spirit through faith."
-
-Galatians 3:13-14
I."But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law."
-The law was the guide to the Israelite, the Jewish nation, that they were given after the Exodus from Egypt and camped at the base of Mt.Sinai. God gave Moses the law of what was expected of the people if they wanted to join God in a covenant, a marriage of the people to God that was a fulfillment he had made to their ancestors.
-Humanity has been divided from God, from grace by choosing to ignore God and in fact act against him and one another. God told Adam in the garden that to eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil would mean that he would die. The consequence of sin is death, one cannot have sin and be with God because we would be destroyed.
-The law in a sense acted to show what we could not do on our own, even though there was a sacrifice system so that the Jews could have forgiveness for themselves, their families and as a nation the blood of the animals was only a temporary fix, it did not solve the ultimate problem of humanity being separated from God.
-However Jesus Christ acting as both high priest and the final sacrificial lamb opened a way for people to be fully reconciled and not have to face the ultimate punishment for their sin.
II."When he was hung on the cross, he took upon himself the curse for our wrongdoing."
-Acting as the ultimate sacrifice for our sins he took upon the punishment we deserved for acting against God and each other.
-He was the lamb slain so that the division between God and man could finally be filled.
III."For it is written in the Scriptures, “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.”"
-This quote is from Deuteronomy 21:23
-Jesus became cursed for us so that we would not have to endure the full consequences of our actions.
IV."Through Christ Jesus, God has blessed the Gentiles with the same blessing he promised to Abraham, so that we who are believers might receive the promised Holy Spirit through faith."
-
"And everyone cries out Your name, as the world is raped by selfishness
And no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
And the storm it rages in my heart, and the endless empty roars in my ears
My world is coming all apart, I’ve no strength left to dry my tears
And through it all I hear Your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
Calms the storm inside my soul as You whisper "peace, be still..."
You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen "
And no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
And the storm it rages in my heart, and the endless empty roars in my ears
My world is coming all apart, I’ve no strength left to dry my tears
And through it all I hear Your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
Calms the storm inside my soul as You whisper "peace, be still..."
You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen "
Monday, September 27, 2010
Quote of the Day:
“You can hold yourself back from the sufferings of the world, that is something you are free to do and it accords with your nature, but perhaps this very holding back is the one suffering you could avoid.”
-Franz Kafka
-Franz Kafka
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