Quote of the Day:

"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."
-Stephen King

I found out the biopsies taken last week during the test were all negative.

The good news is I have nothing like Bubonic Plague, cancer, deep seated infection or Chronic Spontaneous Human Combustion Disorder. However this also means I really don't have a diagnosis beyond fibromyalgia.

Illness - 12, Medical Science - 0

Okay.
I am slightly freaked out because I think Jesus finally said something to me.
I have been ranting about being sick but my biggest theological question I have been grappling with the past few years (even my senior thesis was on this) is why are good people, any INNOCENT people suffering?

Africa, Europe, Asia, the Americas...starvation, disease, neglect, ignorance...thousands if not millions of lives wasting away...dying from malnutrition, preventable disease...STUPID poverty that by all rights should not exist in the twenty-first situation.

Do you want to know what Jesus said?
It could have been a message out of Job.
No answers, no defense, no justification...just the beautiful way Jesus tends to take situations and turn them around on you.

It was simply this:
"If you care so much why aren't you doing something about it?"

By all means this could just be the product of a sick mind being turned in on itself...but it matches with Scripture to the best of my knowledge.
I rant, write, kick up dust and draw circles in the sand...but what is it I am really doing?

Right now I am too tired, too exhausted to sort things out...but the two groups that come to mind that I need to do more stuff with is One, Amnesty International, World Vision and Voice of the Martyrs.

I have signed petitions in the past...but the gross amount of hypocrisy is that I stopped there...I have not made it a regular issue to pray about...or write about.
That needs to change...

I don't have to change the world.
I can be sick and be in excruciating pain until I fall over dead.
I don't care, I know I am going to die sooner or later...the only thing I even remotely care about right now is being faithful to the post I have been called to.

I think that will require some serious reflection and thought.

Anger is such a useless emotion.
Things go bad and all apart...I am perhaps the only person in the whole world who manages to accomplish nothing when I am angry.

I cannot yell at anyone, hurt them, break things or anything whatsoever...I actually care about people so I can't treat them as objects to use and toss away when I get done with them.

I just...

I am so frustrated with my body not healing, not getting better...small things get under my skin and agitate me...and I just forget why I am even alive in the first place.

Father I am so weary...I find no rest in sleep from the nightmares and most of my waking moments are marked second by second from the pain that comes from breathing, walking, eating food...what am I supposed to do?

I want to believe it will get better than you actually give a damn about me...but my faith isn't that strong. I feel like...I have tried, I have done this...I have done that and ultimately it's all been pointless, meaningless...because I can't even function, I can barely make it to class.

I have nothing left.
I am beyond exhausted and the medication...does nothing, it makes me unable to function.
What kind of sick joke is this?

I feel like I am just falling apart faster every day...and the best service I could do is just to remove every presence of myself here...and there...just find some solitude and peace in the darkness.

I am in so much pain right now that it is starting to make me incredibly angry.
Very angry.
Yay for useless medication, doctors who are less than helpful and impossibly embarrassing and painful tests that lead nowhere!

Psalm 150

Praise the Lord!

Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heaven!
Praise him for his mighty works;
praise his unequaled greatness!
Praise him with a blast of the ram’s horn;
praise him with the lyre and harp!
Praise him with the tambourine and dancing;
praise him with strings and flutes!
Praise him with a clash of cymbals;
praise him with loud clanging cymbals.
Let everything that breathes sing praises to the Lord!

Praise the Lord!
-Psalm 150:1-6


I (mostly) read through the Psalms once again.
It has been an insane summer and fall.

I feel different and think I am no longer the same person I was at the start of summer. For better or for worse it has been a period of time...seconds, minutes, hours, days...just flowing and pulling at me...demanding change.

I really, really, really do not feel like praising right now.
Praising you in the pain is hard.
Even though I may be healing...pain is everywhere it seems.

I can breathe.
I do not really know what else to do...except smile and laugh through the anguish as the best I can.

You are good.
Even when I don't want to admit it.
Even when I am just laying here hurting so much.
I don't have sufficient words.

Life, life, life, life...

What more can I say or do?
I feel so distant and close at the same time.
I have missed so much class that I can barely believe tomorrow is October.

Another three months and it'll be Christmas...another six or seven months and I'll be done with school here.

I want to love you, even though I feel like I keep loosing my path with every step I take...but here I am, still alive.

Every choice, every decision, every time you have rescued me has brought me closer on this path...closer to you...closer to how things can or may be...good and evil, life and death, love and loss...everything is spinning and falling further out of sync as sin continues to mangle and deteriorate everything.

And yet...this is for the good?
I don't know how...I just know that it is truth, something I can't deny because it has engulfed me and turned me inside and out...making me have love and compassion where there was nothing but a desert of apathy.

I'm afraid I am becoming a darker, much more cynical and apathetic monster because of the pain...the sin of life...yet you break this heart of stone every time I try to push you out.

I think that alone is worth praising.
I have nothing to offer you except my wicked heart.
It is a gift, an offering far too small.
Yet, you will have me?
Messiah born in Bethlehem,
You have seen my words, my deeds and actions;
paltry things
always the bare minimum
while I beg you
to feed my hunger
and lusts of my heart.

You see the mercenary
the bastard I try to be
and You refuse
to let me
simply fall apart
and fade into the shadows.

A Cosmic Meddler
But the one calling me
breaking me
and pouring life
into my soul.

You have surveyed the desolation
and the ever spreading wasteland
that my soul
makes itself to be
just to hide from love
and flee from maturity.

Would any one of us,
any single one of us
have agreed to this
given a choice?
Were the fallen angels
found wanting
because they saw the horror
and gave into despair?

I hunger and thirst
but not for righteousness
as much as my own way.
The means and paths I walk,
while pretending to be.

Again, again and again...
When will the cycle stop?
Will this be the now and then
forever and forever?

I just...want to find peace.
Rest in you.
Find love in you.

I am not really sure what to make of today.

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...so many thoughts.
So little time for implementation.

Again, Again, Again

Why bother?
That needs an answer.
No more dodging the question.
No more hiding behind people.
No more of the shadows.

Just another cut
more feedback
coming through your speakers
as you look dumbfounded,
I guess the world wasn't your oyster?
Maybe it'll open up
and you can collect the dust
that was never a pearl.

But it's not like it's different,
nothing except repetitions
as I gaze out the window
of the concrete tomb
I call my home away from home.
Never will the night last,
but that doesn't mean much
except that most of us won't make it out.

But Home,
sweet and beautiful Home.
The one place I have never seen
but the place I have been looking
and crawling to
all of my life.

I may spend all my time,
waste all my blood and
shed my tears
but I will never bow to you.
Silly little wooden idols
you lost my attention
just as soon as everything happened.

Digressions

What to know
what to see
what to feel
what to be
what to care
what to have
what to touch
what to hate
what to love
what to destroy
what to build
and everything you wanted me to be.

Shallow anorexic shadows dance
just vapid images on the wall
as the light reflects
and illuminates
making us all wish to flee
from the righteous wrath to come.

Wow how I hate food.
So much.
So so so so sooooo much.

I feel so tired...this semester feels like it has been longer than a month...more like several years.

Maybe I will graduate this spring...that way I will never have to step foot in this city or at this school again. That alone is something to look forward to.

I just am having trouble looking beyond the incredible amounts of pain I am in today, how I just don't know what to do...how to deal with being in so much pain...feeling so...disjointed and out of place.

How much...really matters that I try?
What in my life...is actually worth doing?
Anytime I can sit here and not be in pain feels like borrowed time I am rapidly running out of.

Oh well...people are people.
Can't really expect them to do anything except serve their best interests at the end of the day.
Sometimes they will surprise you by moving beyond their inner drive for self preservation...but it is certainly not something ever worth holding your breath over.

All of creation is slowly unwinding...as the world falls apart from the inside out.
This sort of...radiant decay as it were.
There is some good to be seen in it, much good when you dig deep.
Just...a good potion of hope seems to be based on willing blindness and building upon the misery of others...which is tragic in and of itself.

Progress that destroys, breaks and corrupts is never progress.
Just lightly veiled sin.

-Galatians 3:13-14

"But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law. When he was hung on the cross, he took upon himself the curse for our wrongdoing. For it is written in the Scriptures, “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.” Through Christ Jesus, God has blessed the Gentiles with the same blessing he promised to Abraham, so that we who are believers might receive the promised Holy Spirit through faith."
-Galatians 3:13-14


I."But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law."
-The law was the guide to the Israelite, the Jewish nation, that they were given after the Exodus from Egypt and camped at the base of Mt.Sinai. God gave Moses the law of what was expected of the people if they wanted to join God in a covenant, a marriage of the people to God that was a fulfillment he had made to their ancestors.
-Humanity has been divided from God, from grace by choosing to ignore God and in fact act against him and one another. God told Adam in the garden that to eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil would mean that he would die. The consequence of sin is death, one cannot have sin and be with God because we would be destroyed.
-The law in a sense acted to show what we could not do on our own, even though there was a sacrifice system so that the Jews could have forgiveness for themselves, their families and as a nation the blood of the animals was only a temporary fix, it did not solve the ultimate problem of humanity being separated from God.
-However Jesus Christ acting as both high priest and the final sacrificial lamb opened a way for people to be fully reconciled and not have to face the ultimate punishment for their sin.


II."When he was hung on the cross, he took upon himself the curse for our wrongdoing."
-Acting as the ultimate sacrifice for our sins he took upon the punishment we deserved for acting against God and each other.
-He was the lamb slain so that the division between God and man could finally be filled.



III."For it is written in the Scriptures, “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.”"
-This quote is from Deuteronomy 21:23
-Jesus became cursed for us so that we would not have to endure the full consequences of our actions.


IV."Through Christ Jesus, God has blessed the Gentiles with the same blessing he promised to Abraham, so that we who are believers might receive the promised Holy Spirit through faith."
-

"And everyone cries out Your name, as the world is raped by selfishness
And no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
And the storm it rages in my heart, and the endless empty roars in my ears
My world is coming all apart, I’ve no strength left to dry my tears
And through it all I hear Your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
Calms the storm inside my soul as You whisper "peace, be still..."

You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen "

Sometimes it seems that the only person I am successful at lying to is myself and I really am starting to doubt how good I am at that.

Quote of the Day:

“You can hold yourself back from the sufferings of the world, that is something you are free to do and it accords with your nature, but perhaps this very holding back is the one suffering you could avoid.”
-Franz Kafka

I am beginning to think that no major writing theologian of the past several hundred years are familiar with the concept of Occam's Razor.

Quote of the Day:

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
-Oscar Wilde

I can say goodnight and take care...because I honestly do not know how this story ends.

Maybe it is just beginning...

There is so much pain, such a struggle...but even laying in this muddy ditch of self hate and medicated misery I can see the stars.

They are so beautiful.

Night into Dawn

I want to run from you.
Flee as far as I might.
From the east is as to the west.
My fear of being loved is too much.

I am.
That is the best I can manage.
You know me, my soul.
I am so...
I just am.
I can't think of anymore to say.

I complain, I cry, I rant...
But here I am.
Good and bad, ugly and beautiful
everything that I am.

Thank you for loving me.
I can only love because you first loved me.

I may be feeling like thawed out death...but it is nice to write some...and feel a little bit better.

Every bit helps.

Psalm 146

"Praise the Lord!

Let all that I am praise the Lord.
I will praise the Lord as long as I live.
I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath.

Don’t put your confidence in powerful people;
there is no help for you there.
When they breathe their last, they return to the earth,
and all their plans die with them.
But joyful are those who have the God of Israel[a] as their helper,
whose hope is in the Lord their God."
-Psalm 146:1-5


I love you, I love you Daddy...you are so wonderful, beautiful and giving to one as shallow and immature as I am...and I can be.

No one knows me.
No human here will ever know me...would want to know every dark and disgusting about me...but you know and you never stopped pursuing me.
If anything, the harder I fought against you and tried to run...the greater the grace and beauty you wrapped me in.

I have seen and felt so much disappointment and pain...these temporal trinkets of wanting material things, of wanting marriage and a family...it is all fleeting and everything I am will perish and be wiped from this world so soon...I just want to be caught up in loving you when I die.

As often as I complain, as cynical as my heart can be...can I just sit here in this exhausted and sickly stupor, can I sit here and have you hold me close?
Hold my head to your chest so I can hear your heartbeat and love for a wicked son such as me. I want to feel you, I need to be near you...not just words, not just pious religion...but you Abba, Daddy...my love and beginning and end.


Every time I stumble into a relationship...I've caused so much pain. I never realize how destructive I am to others and myself...how me loosing sight of you and trying to find happiness and meaning in relationships...just causes me to become so dependent that I loose the ability to function when I loose someone, anyone...not to mention the hypocrisy that I vomit in my words.

How can you love so a wretched and unworthy sinner as myself?

Thank you, thank you...oh daddy, thank you so much.
Just let me find peace enough for the night as it turns into day...keep me close and show me the love I will never be able to understand.

Help me...give me strength to endure this indefinite period of singularity and the honest reality it won't end until I take my final step from this life and have you to wipe away my tears and comfort my broken body and soul...give me enough grace for today...let me find myself in you so I can just make this next step as best as I can.

Psalm 145

"The Lord is righteous in everything he does;
he is filled with kindness.
The Lord is close to all who call on him,
yes, to all who call on him in truth.
He grants the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cries for help and rescues them.
The Lord protects all those who love him,
but he destroys the wicked."
-Psalm 145:17-20

Righteous?
Justice?
Judgment?
Grace?
Fear?
Religion?
Salvation?

None of these terms mean anything to me right now...I don't need a cosmic deity that holds all of creation in the palm of his hand. I need a Father, a Love who will not abandon and leave me here. That will never grow tired of me or decide I wasn't the best thing available...but sees me for all of my disgusting imperfections and still loves my broken and sinfully needy self.

I cannot do it.
I have tried and I can't.

I hurt too much.
I am human and so needy, so broken...so imperfect and wanting you close again.

I need the Man of Sorrows mentioned in Isaiah 53...the Lover from the Psalms and Song...the man Jesus in the Gospels who carried my sin and bore the wrath of God for me...I need to feel the rough arms of a loving Daddy who has lived through this Hell called life and will hold me until I am okay.

I just...miss the closeness...the intimacy of your spirit burning in my heart, the peace beyond understanding that no matter the Hell you were with me always.

So tired, so worn down from the pain...I just want to lay here in this darkness...just lay in this grace and float to whatever distant lands you are calling me to...

Thank you, thank you for caring...for loving me...thank you.

...I cannot help but pause and look at the utter ridiculousness of all of this.

All of it.

Really?
Yes, really.

So asinine.

Quote of the Day:

"Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself."
-C.S. Lewis

God, the Cosmic Dentist

Which is worse to deliver to someone, bad news or no news at all?

I hate giving people bad news but I find having no real news to be so much more frustrating after building up hope that I was finally on the way out of this sickness.

The invasive test today was painful, annoying, embarrassing, awkward and even though biopsies were taken there is very little chance of them showing anything new.

Until the doctor gets the results from the biopsy and has a chance to review the CT film there really is not much else that can be done. Tentatively he is calling this a postinfectious case of IBS(from either the Dysentery from China in 2005 or the Diverticulitis that payed me a recent visit) which is being amplified by my low pain tolerance and my old and dear friend fibromyalgia.

Despite my rather cheeky response of how things can't be worse and "At least I am not currently engulfed in flames" I really am too tired to try and make a clever joke to try and defuse the situation. I am frustrated and tired from being in pain. I am so sick of having to take large amounts of medication to just scrape out the most basics of function.

How long will these symptoms persist?
How much worse can this really get?
A lot of people I talk to who have fibromyalgia have to file for disability by their 30's because of being unable to cope with the pain and their loss of functionality. I can't think of anything for me that would be more horrible than that...the fact I can barely make it to my classes upsets me but the thought of not being able to do anything is what I would consider my own personal Hell.

I am not really even sure why I am bothering to write all this out and post it online...I hate to complain I would rather just suffer in silence and grin and bear it rather than risk inconveniencing someone.

However, the one rule I made for myself when I started my blog "Recollections Gone Wild" is that I would never censor myself from the truth. I would never name names but be honest about my struggles, failures, joys, successes and just how generally insane life is and how awkwardly beautiful God is.

And life feels insane right now.
I feel much too tired to do anything and the last thing I want to do on Monday is drive back to Mobile to desperately try and catch up in class...but what other options do I have?

Lay in bed and suffer?
Give up on living life?
Just stop caring about dreams?
Check out before the day drags on anymore?

One thing I have tried to always do is be honest about my relationship to God. It is so important to me that I try to never disguise or hide doubts and struggles...what is the point? Jesus created me so he already knows what I think and putting on a fake pious attitude helps no one, much less me.

I have never been one to just sit and wait for a burning bush to roll into my room and toss me a clipboard with a list and map of what to do with my life...but honestly at this point I am not thinking that far ahead or even wanting to.

The fact I have a glass of tea, my cat beside me and music to help stir my soul is the most relief I am going to have for now...maybe for awhile.
I'm not giving up on life as much as I am just so worn down and need to rest...maybe things will look bigger, brighter or shiny in the morning.

I don't know.
I honestly do not know.
God scares me to no end because there is no promise or guarantee things will get easier. Contrary to the rabid Pollyanna thought of well meaning Christians, the only thing Jesus promises is that he will be with us and that we will suffer. In fact it seems those God wants to us more he lets go deeper into the grind and suffer.

This quote from C.S. Lewis kind of sums up my thoughts right now:


"The terrible thing is that a perfectly good God is in this matter hardly less formidable than a Cosmic Sadist. The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness. A cruel man might be bribed - might grow tired of his vile sport - might have a temporary fit of mercy, as alcoholics have fits of sobriety.

But supposed that what you are up against is a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinder and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting. If he yielded to your entreaties, if he stopped before the operation was complete, all the pain to that point would have been useless. But is it credible that such extremities of torture should be necessary for us? Well, take you choice. The tortures occur. If they are unnecessary, then there is no God or a bad one. If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary. For no moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren't.

Either way, we're for it.

What do people mean when they say, "I am not afraid of God because I know He is good?" Have they never even been to a dentist?""
-C.S. Lewis