Maybe...maybe...maybe...

"Moment of Surrender" - U2

I have nothing.
I am broken.
I have no words Father.
My world has been turned upside down and I have been found wanting.
My faith is so weak.
So easily disturbed and broken.

If you want me, just send me.
Throw me in whatever direction you want.
I just don't care.
I don't care anymore.

I don't want to care anymore.
I want this broken and fetid thing that pretends to be a heart, I want it to just die.
No more Lord.
Please.

Prayer

Everything I say, everything I write is mere condemnation of my state of being and will just result in more conflict and words that I don't want to share.

It is amazing how I can go from feeling okay, to being worried about something...to just having my worst nightmares come true in a matter of seconds.

It doesn't matter how much I scream of if I just punch this wooden bed until my knuckles bleed.

I can scream my voice raw and paint bright red pictures of every insecurity in my arsenal and let them stay there...and what would it matter?

I can beat my head against this wall and cry, just wanting to know why...what I did...why I feel so disgusting and repulsive...why I couldn't grow up with a daddy...it's all about me.

It always comes down to me.
What makes me happy.
I have never uttered a selfless prayer.
I feel the weight of this sin and want to just throw it up.

I feel so sick...I hate this poison in my veins.
I hate the weakness that comes from love.
I am angry, I am scared, I am sad, I am upset...upset...

I feel like...trash, the second rate garbage I have always been afraid of being.
Well not always...but close enough.

Every dirty and disgusting thing I am, I am, I am.

Awe.
Fear.
Trembling.
Revulsion.
Disgust.
All.
Nothing.
Revolving in here.
I hate.
I hate to feel.
I want to be numb.
Medicated.
Cold.
Cut off.
Cut open.
Showing everything I am.
Everything sin I am.
Revealing the insides.
Letting it in.
Showing it off.
Everything I haven't had.

I can't stand this.
I want to scream.
I want the blood vessels to erupt.
I want to just throw myself on the wall.
Paint a red picture.
Show everything I am.
Everything I will never be.
All the lies I am.
Every repulsive thing.
Knowing all is well.
Because it's a lie to be.

A hundred thousand voices crying.
Every revolving sin.
Shame.
Pain.
Pain.
Sin.
Greed.
Hate.
Pain.
Pain.
Hate.
Cutting deep.
Flesh rotten with disease.
Just hiding sin within.
Every last flaw.
Every last flaw.
Everything that is.

I cry out and ask why.
I can't breath.
It hurts.
Why did my heart have to feel again?
I hate this thing.
I hate emotion.
Medication.
Stiffing thought.
Cut off, cut out.
Just ripping apart.
Everything I thought I knew.
The false rose glasses I clutch in bleeding hands.


I am so angry and so scared.
I can't paint anything,
My words are such utter shit.
I can't paint anything.
I want to bleed.
Just have my heart cut open to shown, to feel.
I can't stand who I am.
I hate being David's son.
I hate who I am.
I hate who I was.
Who I am and will never be.

I thought.
It was.
Why?
Why?
Why does it have to be ripped away?
I thought it was.
Was it not?
I don't know.
I can't breath.
I don't know how to be.
How to act.
No one wants to hear it like this,
just bad words.

I know, I know there is good.
This isn't just a game.
That things will be okay.
But I hate feeling.
I hate emotion.
I hate knowing this won't be the end.
I want to be Home.
I can't stand this.
I wish I could find solace.
There is no peace.
Just delaying the inevitable.
If I don't loose her today, I will.
No one stays.
Everyone leaves.
It all ends.
It all will end.
Death.
Blood.
Pain.
Grotesque pictures of Hell.
Everything I am afraid of.
I am sick of this life.
Everything wrong.
Nothing really right.

I want to vomit up my sin.
Show the world.
Let them know.
Just let them see.
The hypocrite.
And disgusting bastard I am.

I hate me.
I hate me.
I feel such negative emotion.
I don't want hope.
I just don't care.

Why bother impressing people who just want stuff?
Well meaning maybe.
I can't cope with this.
I can't handle change.
I wasn't made to be like this.

I just don't want to breath.
I can't handle this.
I don't know how to be.
I don't know what to be.



I pray.
I ask for help but it will never come.
God, you won't answer me, will you?
I can be paraded into the arena but there will be no rescue.
I just wish you would have not made me like this.
Why am I alive?
I am in misery.
I can't breath without pain.
I move, I want to scream from the pain.
It hurts to stand up, to lay down.
It fucking hurts to live.
It doesn't feel you care beyond some large scale plan that only vaguely involves me.
I don't understand.
I am not sure I want to understand.
I just know the longer I am alive the greater the pain will be.
I want to scream.
Just yell.
What do I matter to you?
What does it matter if I press on?


I won't die.
I am not done suffering.
My life is going to be so much longer than I can bare.
And I will loose more.
So much more.
I know.
Is it sick that it seems like YOU are the one telling me I will suffer?
I should have known things would explode...that the fears and nightmares would be true.
Loosing her, loosing this, loosing my steps...I just can't cope with this pain.

Why?
Could you please just give me a small measure of peace for once?
Instead of just writing me off and making me wait.
I need something.
Anything.
I can't cope.
I can't breath.
Why?
Why?
What did I do wrong?
I thought...maybe...just maybe.
Why?
Am I damned to just cause the brokenness wherever I go?

I want to hurt more.
I want to fall apart completely.
I want to stop caring.
I just want this heart to die.
I never want to love, I never want to feel again.
I would rather be dead inside and stop this pain.

I am not brave.
I'm not chivalrous.
I am not honest.
I am disgusting hypocrite.

Everyone I know goes away in the end.
I can't just use drugs, beer or use sex to blind myself.
I am too smart and too stupid to fall into sin.
I still feel convictions to help everyone even when I want it all to end.
I can't quit.
God I want to quit so bad.
I want to tell you how angry I am and how much I just don't care.
But your love is still here.
It hurts like Hell but you are still here.

There is nothing that can fix me.
The emotions, memories and feelings won't stop.
I want it all to end.
I can't breath.
I can't comprehend.
I just wish I could fucking breath.
I trusted.
I trust.
So confused.
So scared.
So scared and upset.
I don't know what to do.
I pray and there is such loud silence.
It's only getting worse.
I thought there was change.
I thought there was something different.
I'm doubting again.
I thought I knew love.
I thought I saw love.
Was I lying again to myself?
Making it all up as I go along?
I just don't know.
I don't want to feel anymore.
I just don't want to see again.
I don't want anything.
I can't handle it.
No more.
Please.
Just let it end.






Kind of hard
Hard to see
When you crawl
On your hands and your knees
With your face
In the trough
Wait your turn
While they finish you off
Don't know when it started
Don't know how
Should have found out
Should have happened by now
Got these lines
On my face
After all this time
And i still haven't found my place

I jump from every rooftop
So high so far to fall
I feel a million miles away
I don't feel any thing at all

I wake up
On the floor
Start it up again
Like it matters anymore
I don't know
If it does
Is this really all
That there ever was?
Put the gun
In my mouth
Close your eyes
Blow my fucking brains out
Pretty patterns
On the floor
That's enough for you
But i still need more

I jump from every rooftop
So high so far to fall
I feel a million miles away
I don't feel any thing at all

"Roads" - Blindside

"There's something moving in the shadows
There is that rumor of hope
When the spirit starts roaring
For so long we have but no longer will we cope
Love is personified
I'd rather die in love
Than stay alive numb
I'll still call it home
I'm still longing home

Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise

I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way"

Meh.

At least I played nice, didn't stab anyone and stopped myself from throwing up.

All in all...

Here goes...

I am starting to really hate metaphorical foxes.
Normally I like all of God's little creations but I really want to kick these annoying metaphors in the head. -_-

I...just...don't...understand.

"As you did warn me carpenter, this world has weakened my heart,
so easily I disparage, self-seeking the work of my art,
and there you have come to me at the moment I bathe in my sorrow,
so in love with myself, sought after avoiding tomorrow.
Where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you
and offer to wash my feet as I offer to disobey you?
Your beauty does bereave me, and how my words do fail,
so faithfully and dutifully I award you with betrayal."

Psalm 109

"O God, whom I praise,
don’t stand silent and aloof
while the wicked slander me
and tell lies about me.
They surround me with hateful words
and fight against me for no reason.
I love them, but they try to destroy me with accusations
even as I am praying for them!
They repay evil for good,
and hatred for my love.


"But deal well with me, O Sovereign Lord,
for the sake of your own reputation!
Rescue me
because you are so faithful and good.
For I am poor and needy,
and my heart is full of pain.
I am fading like a shadow at dusk;
I am brushed off like a locust.
My knees are weak from fasting,
and I am skin and bones.
I am a joke to people everywhere;
when they see me, they shake their heads in scorn."
-Psalm 109:1-5, 21-25


Father, you alone know my heart.
You know the pride and ego that lives within me...only you know my lies, my insincerity and how little I care and love...how I would rather seek comfort than help those in need.

But you know this situation, these circumstances greater than I...you know the human heart so intimately and know the truth...so let the truth raise.
Whatever, however and what will be...let truth burn so bright that it is impossible to deny.

This isn't a self-righteous plea of one wanting to be right...but one who is broken, sick with concern and who aches from not knowing what the right thing is.

I can speak in flowery words to get most anything that I want...but I want sincerity, I want honesty...I want fairness and truth.

Could you forgive me for being so full of myself that all I care about is my perspective?
Can you break me so that I have a burden for those who have done so much wrong to my beloved?
Is this a jealousy based in self-righteous contempt? Is this a jealousy born out of a desire to protect, full of the rage that you poured out on those who would dare harm one of your children? Or is it a mixture?

I don't know myself.
I am so confused.
I just want to love.
I want to carry your love to the end of the world.
But I have trouble breathing right now because of how badly I hurt...I can't focus, I can't think straight because of the chest pain...the nausea.

I don't know my left hand from my right hand...what is good or evil...why do I let something like this consume me so much that I just want to vomit up every last disgusting drop of the sin infecting my heart?

I know I am not good, I know I am hopelessly broken...but I know you love me, you love him and love my beloved.
I just want to be faithful to what you have given me.
I want to not be found wanting or lacking in being obedient and following through on doing the right thing.

I just...want to be able to breath again.
I need the pain to subdue so maybe I can sleep.
I can't handle the tears of pain...feeling so isolated and like I will never be able to breath again.

I hate this...my body feels like it is failing...please...please help me find relief.
Even if just for a moment.
Please?


My heart breaks for everyone there...the ones lost, the ones who have lost their way...am I just refusing to forgive and let your grace cover or do I have a valid point to want to protect this beauty which was never mine to begin with?

It is so easy to get lost in my mind, in following myself...please give me perspective...please show me what it means to love, to love without regard to this world...but only in obedience to You.

I want to find the right thing to do in prayer with my beloved...please steer us in the right direction...and give peace, lasting peace about what to do.
Please Daddy.

=/

Some Idle Reflections on Christian Pacifism

As much as I tend to talk about it I am rather terrible at this whole Christian pacifism thing.

I try to act as though I have everything together but underneath my sometimes groomed exterior is a raging sea frothing with emotions, feelings and thoughts wanting to explode forth. Normally all it takes is hearing about someone being taken advantaged of or abused and I am ready to fly into a rage.

Pacifism is not against taking action when bad things happen (that is actually one of the most often misunderstood things about pacifism), Jesus did not advocate a stance which was stoic apathy toward our well being and those around us, instead he commanded against choosing to give into our urge to find revenge.

One of our most basic desires is to seek right when we are wrong, often in a manner which not only gives us reparations but gives our enemy such vivid disadvantages that they have trouble recovering.

"If they hurt me, I'll hurt them back."
Or maybe...
"If I can hurt them so much they can't ever fight back then nobody will ever mess with me and will leave me be."

Maybe that is how the world and governments work...I am not quite sure to be honest.
I just know that every time I open my mouth in my defense very bad things tend to happen.

I don't want to fight.
I want to be at peace.
I do not handle stress well at all and tend to internalize everything to the point where it just ends up making me physically sick.

I mean, I tend to take scripture seriously and when I come across passages like this:

"Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone."
-Romans 12:17-18

and

“You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too. If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile,carry it two miles. Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow."
-Matthew 5:38-42

as well as

"But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too. But if you refuse to forgive, your Father in heaven will not forgive your sins."
-Mark 11:25-26


I sort of begin to draw a series of conclusions that are far reaching as they are troublesome for living life

1.When we are hurt we react but we can choose how to react.
I guess this is sort of an obvious conclusion but for every action there is a reaction...especially if someone is being slapped around or taken advantage of.
The question is how to react?
How much is too much?

From personal experience...I am starting to think that Christians are not supposed to allow themselves to be destroyed because of being taken advantage of...this teaching is meant to help us overcome our base instinct to be destructive when we experience pain and mistreated by others. It is easy to be so overcome with bitterness that all we care about is revenge.

The last thing any person should do is keep themselves in a relationship, a situation where they are being drained and taken advantage of. I think there is a difference between turning the cheek and unnecessarily making ourselves into a self-righteousness martyr as an act of codependency.


2.Pacifism is a choice to be proactive in responding.
I wrote earlier than one of the biggest misunderstandings about pacifism is that it is this stoic apathy where there is no emotion or care about people being in pain. I believe Christian Pacifism is the opposite, caring so much about a situation that we rise above the petty nature of name calling and fighting to try and solve underlying issues at hand.

If people are so concerned about getting even and hitting back first there is no time to talk...no time to try and understand why things are so screwed up. Of course this takes for granted that human passions will never wait for words of wisdom...


3.This teaching is so integral to Christianity being relevant in this world because until someone decides 'enough is enough' and to refuse to hit back, violence will not end a situation as much as cause it to prolong.

Although it feels it may border on cliche, I believe John Philpot Curran had a valid point when he said that "Evil prospers when good men do nothing."

It is easy to make grand statements about morality and the impossibilities inherent in the human condition but maybe I'll just quote my favorite anime Trigun:

"To realize a mistake. To not lie. To love one another. To not kill. Those are very simple things, but the times won't allow for them. There is no green on this planet, even though we want it, though we want it so badly. A place where we can live peaceful days, with no wars nor stealing, a sacred place where people can live as people. Yes, there. That place is called Paradise..."

But we live in a world of gray with shades of black and white.
It is impossible and impractical to expect non-Christians (and to an extent maybe even those in the church) to adhere to such a radical teacher as the messiah Jesus when they haven't experienced what it means to be caught up in love with Him.

In this Age we will never see world peace, we will never see all disease and pain eliminated, for war to be given up on and poverty completely eliminated...however just because it cannot be done does not given an excuse for us to not try and make a difference in this broken world.

And that difference cannot come from within us, it requires power from One outside of and much bigger than us.


"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is very hard for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I’ll say it again—it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!”

"The disciples were astounded. “Then who in the world can be saved?” they asked.

Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”"
-Matthew 19:23-26

((Side note:...wow, what a pretentious sounding title. I think I am already sounding like a overpaid and under-talented writer who has books at Lifeway...ack... >_<))

"How I long to regress
To the days before I took upon myself
The obsessions of this world
A day of innocence equating beauty
For tomorrow may fall
And today is already gone"

Quote of the Day:

“At the Day of Judgment, we shall not be asked what we have read, but what we have done”
-Thomas Kempis

"That old saw about "to understand all is to forgive all" is a lot of tripe. Some things, the more you understand the more you loathe them."
-Robert A. Heinlein

The question is...do I posses the spiritual fortitude, the mental desire...the choice of heart...to ignore my personal bias and reach forth to understand?

Psalm 108

"Have you rejected us, O God?
Will you no longer march with our armies?
Oh, please help us against our enemies,
for all human help is useless.
With God’s help we will do mighty things,
for he will trample down our foes."

-Psalm 108:11-13


So much thought, so much processing of useless emotional baggage that keeps trying to claw it's way back into my life...so many useless feelings of trepidation...so many moments of bitter regret...memories, jagged and fuzzy...memories...memories...more focused...

I have enemies at the gate.
I feel the pain, my nerves are alight with pain...nausea courses through my stomach and my throat...bile barely held back...food is a silly notion when all I can do is just keep liquids down.

I ache.
I hurt.
I am tired of aching and hurting.
I am so tired of being sick.
I am sick.

Is this for sin?
Some moral lapse?
Some not yet confessed pain I have caused?

Or is it the enemy?
Just pain to cause laughter amongst the darkness?

Right now...this moment...I don't want to praise.
I don't want to worship.
I want to scream because of how much PAIN I am in right now.

God...I just feel so alone...I am moving about, I am taking care of things and doing everything I am suppose to...and yet...there is the pain, this sickness, this nausea...this agony that I can't escape from.

No human can fix me, I have given up completely of human medicine...I am hurting, I am aching...I don't know what I can do except fall down again and hope.


Am I going to live with this the rest of my life?
Only getting worse?
Sometimes I wish you wouldn't have called me...wouldn't have found me worthy of this attention...because the pain is so overwhelming and I rarely know how to function when it gets like this.

I suppose the plus side is that I am not trapped in a hotel room in southern China like that mission trip...

I feel so small.
So insignificant...I am not even an insect compared to you...and still you bother with me...you love me, you care about me and I don't understand...I don't know why...I have to ask...because of the pain, because of not knowing...




Must I wait the rest of my life to see you, my Love?
Will my body continue to decay and break down...and must I endure so much more pain before being free to see you face to face?
I know I am not yet ready...but I still long to see you face to face...to feel your hands on my shoulder and know that I wasn't just a screw up...that you will love me now and into eternity...

I have so many doubts, so many fears.
Please calm the storm inside my heart.
Speak, say 'Peace and be still.' to the Hell inside of me.
Please.
I can't handle this on my own.
I can't stand up, I can't walk...I can't focus...I need you.
I need you.
So much.


"As i lay me down
Where do i begin
So simply complicated
The voice within

I hear it singing so clear
Invisible like the sound of the wind
We all know
You are there

I just believe
I just believe it
And sometimes i dunno why
I gotta go with my gut again on this one

Not just a feeling
It's the reason
We know a line is crooked
`cause we know what's true
That little voice inside

As i lay me down
I confess
I'm a fool for you
No more, no less

And in this world turning gray
Strikes a chord when i say
There is black
There is white
There is wrong
And there is right"

Blargh.
Why do I worry so much?
It's not like I need the additional reasons to be nauseated...

"That's okay because I was never home anyway
So now everyone's evolving and I am just the same
As I was ten years ago, but I don't know
Maybe a simple life is more the way to go
Yeah, but then again, I’m mostly all alone

Coz the older I get
Well the more that life is making sense
And it's similar to traffic or being president
'Cause I’m not the one in control
You grab a hold
I'm just a hammer helping to nail the future down
But it's getting hard making my friends leave town

But maybe I missed the nose right on my face
For what's just past it
And maybe I have the gift that everyone speaks so highly of
Funny how nobody wants it"

So tired of pain.
*sigh*

Plus side classes start soon...distractions are good.

Strange.

I don't think I did something...stress factors...

Hrmm...

I need to continue this trend of being incredibly outspoken.
It is nice to not be trapped by being so timid that I loose my personality and become a doormat.

I...am...really tired of being in pain...and being sick...yeah really tired of it.

Psalm 107

"Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out!
Tell others he has redeemed you from your enemies.
For he has gathered the exiles from many lands,
from east and west,
from north and south."
-Psalm 107:2-3

Quote of the Day:

“It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching.”
-St. Francis of Assisi