Psalm 104

"Let all sinners vanish from the face of the earth;
let the wicked disappear forever.
Let all that I am praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord!"
-104:35

o_O

"See the ships sailing along, and Leviathan, which you made to play in the sea."
-Psalm 104:26

I just got a mental image of a sea monster frolicking about the ocean.
I will never look at the Leviathan summon from Final Fantasy the same way again...

Reflection of Images

I never knew there was so much strength to be found in surrender...in embracing that which seem weakest and letting it influence and shape me.

Such hope, such love...never could I have dreamed or hope for this to be as real...and as true as it is.

Reflections in the water...showing a glimpse of your face...and I see a smile.

Imago Dei my beloved, Imago Dei.

"Moment of Surrender" - U2

Psalm 102

"But you, O Lord, will sit on your throne forever.
Your fame will endure to every generation.
You will arise and have mercy on Jerusalem —
and now is the time to pity her,
now is the time you promised to help."
-Psalm 102:12-13

What sort of God are you that you listen to us?
Like Abraham being an arbiter for Sodom and Gomorrah before you...instead of destroying him you were pleased that someone cared enough to stand up for the innocent and even the wicked.

Just as Job cried out for a messiah he didn't know was to come...I have to cry out to you in brokenness, feeling as though the decay of my soul is never going to end...

I want to know you, know you even more intimately and feel your love.
I want to be close, closer than ever so I can hear your heartbeat.
Nothing in this world can captivate me like you do.
Even the beauty I see and I feel...my beloved you have for some reason entrusted near me...your love is so intoxicating...

Seeing such beauty reflected...I just don't know...I will never be able to understand you and yet I still want to try.
I want to know, I want to be close...closer than touching...

It feels lame at times...but it's the truth...

"I don't know
I don't know which side I'm on
I don't know my right from left
Or my right from wrong
They say I'm a fool
They say I'm nothing
But if I'm a fool for you
Oh, that's something"

Oie.

Whatever and ever I suppose.

I do not understand the purpose of drinking alcohol or even smoking for that matter.
Why is beer legal and cocaine illegal?
Both are incredibly stupid means of accomplishing nothing except hurting people.

But what do I know?

I just wish people would be nice to each other and I could actually find sleep at night.

"Sometimes I feel like I don't know
Sometimes I feel like checking out
I wanna get it wrong
Can't always be strong
And love it won't be long"

Psalm 100

"Acknowledge that the Lord is God!
He made us, and we are his.
We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving;
go into his courts with praise.
Give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good.
His unfailing love continues forever,
and his faithfulness continues to each generation."
-Psalm 100:3-5


Safe...certainly not...yet you are good, oh so wonderful...beautiful beyond my simple mind and lack of understanding.

I keep running, keep fleeing in the other direction...from you, from your love...from your grace...from everything good that you have given me...and you patiently come to me...hold me, love me, treasure me...and tell me again and again that I am yours, that you love me, that you will never leave or forsake me...

It always makes me want to cry in shame.
For not being good enough.
For being too dirty to be loved.

But still...you persist, you wipe away my tears and tell me I am beautiful, that I can be whole...that I can become a son...and just...

What can I say to that?
To this holiness?
To this goodness?
What words can I offer to you?
My tongue is lame and dead
I am struck dumb
and I just can hope you love me all the same.

Thank you, thank you.
Oh Lover of my soul
thank you for this grace.
Thank you for friends, family
and given me my beloved.

Thank you for such constant love and grace
how can I ever say thank you enough?
Even in the times of my body and soul
being wracked with pain
You have never left my side,
my glorious and beautiful one
thank you.

"We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight."

Trioblóid

I hate how oversensitive I am.
I can't stand it.
I am angry at myself for being upset over such insignificant little trifles.
This...this weakness, this exposing myself and letting tiny particles in between the rusted armor around this broken heart...they get in deep and won't leave.

I just...need to get outside more.
See the sunlight.
I've been by myself for almost a week after being drunk off the intoxicating liquor of love, of closeness...of feeling what it is like to no longer be alone...

The Dark...the shade which inhabits my soul...infects my body and pushes into my mind...it loves this pain. It finds excuse to lure me deep into myself so I can leave everyone and everything...just push away and grow further introverted, further from You and my beloved...and what...and why?

Adam and Eve ran and his when they sinned and as a byproduct recognized they were exposed to the world...the innocence was lost, they knew no needs and were complete...and that sin entered in and introduced just a single unexpected factor and screws up so much.

All of this discontent, fear, anger, displacement...all of these base and raw emotions I hate...I am afraid of...I can't stand...I fear.

I love you, I hate you.
Both in the same breath.
I never asked for this life
and woke up one day
to find demands
and pain screaming through my soul.

I never would have picked this life
because of the pain I have faced
but then again,
I never would have seen this beauty
or be the person I am.
Where would she have been
without your guidance
and your boundless grace?
Would we have met even?


I'm silly to fall into circles I have already been out of.
Trouble, so much trouble.
Yet...there is still love...even for when my faith is so weak.
I still have so much further to go...before...

Psalm 98

"The Lord has announced his victory
and has revealed his righteousness to every nation!
He has remembered his promise to love and be faithful to Israel.
The ends of the earth have seen the victory of our God."
-Psalm 98:2-3


I am unsure of what to pray and how to say all the things in my heart and mind...the hope, the anticipation, the excitement of a new year...of seeing my beloved...of seeing friends...but so much dread about what to do, money, those I have hurt and caused pain to...I just wish I could solve everything...but You don't even do that for a reason.

You have won...if there was every any doubt, you have the victory for all of time. The pain, the struggle, the pain...even the sin infecting this world is temporary...it is real and the struggle matters, the pain we endure and suffer matters...but there is only so long you will let this go on...right?


Please remember the promises you made to me, of saving me and redeeming me from the trash heap of spiritual trash I lived in. Please remember and give me strength during the day to show love and lead as I might...help me to come to you in prayer and sincere want to be new.


You loved me before you created me,
before this temporal world was
You were and hand crafted every atom
of the person I was to be.

You saw me, you loved me
even knowing the pain I would cause
the sin I would grow
and the shame I would dwell in.

Instead of leaving me in the mud,
the mire and swamp of sin
and rotting souls
You called my name
and pulled me up,
lift me out of this
so I may never know such separation again.

Apples to Supernovas.
What more can I say?

Covered in Darkness

I'm laying here listening to music, letting the sound of piano try and lull me to a state of mind where maybe I can sleep...there is nothing but the light of this laptop and the darkness which swirls in and out of being as I shift and move.

Distance.
I hate that word so much.
Yet it is reality.

Nothing here on earth lasts.
Yet, I feel this insatiable pull towards you...to go against my logic, my fears of how everything will end and create something that in one manner or another will inevitably be crushed by this world.

The best case scenario is years of happiness with a quick death to serve as separation...but even as I write that I realize how flimsy an excuse that is...what is death? What is life?

Passing seconds between here and eternity...if it is possible to love someone in this imperfect world, how much more so will it be possible when everything is made new?

Maybe I am a fool, that really wouldn't be a huge surprise to anyone really...but I have hope.

Growing hope.

Even with being so incredibly sick, feeling so many doubts...feeling so alone at this very second...I still have hope that refuses to die or be silent no matter how I try to shut it up.

Fear of hope...only a person as silly as me would have a fear of hope.

I also feel guilty for feeling happy...how screwed up is that?
Yes people are suffering in this world and I am afraid I will only make more people hurt...but...maybe I just can't let that control my impulses and thoughts completely...maybe...I honestly am not sure.

So much is uncertain.
What is known is I miss my beloved...the miles are so long and time is so slow as my soul waits and sighs as it aches.

Never thought it could be so good, so much better and wonderful than the many stories...hope, hope, hope.

"I'm a fool for you...no more, no less"

"Who waits forever anyway?"

...I do actually.
Just saying.

It is infuriatingly frustrating that every time I think I have 'grown up' I manage to find a way to proving to myself that I have years left before I even reach that point...

Ack.

Why must the soul be so quick to taint and so slow to learn?

I suppose there is a reason...I'm just too tired to really formulate much thought on it right now...

A drop of water in this desert...

Psalm 97

"You who love the Lord, hate evil!
He protects the lives of his godly people
and rescues them from the power of the wicked.
Light shines on the godly,
and joy on those whose hearts are right.
May all who are godly rejoice in the Lord
and praise his holy name!"
-Psalm 97:10-12

Fear, praise...hope and hating of this darkness within me and in this world...
My heart is so cold and like stone so often...certain things will never pierce me or convict me...please break me so I will always have compassion for the poor, the broken, the addicted, the hopeless...those who need you most.

Even when they have hurt me so bad.

Teach me to have compassion...to protect myself and my beloved...but to still be faithful to your commands to love to the very end...

Joy, hope, grace, forgiveness...reality...truth...

Love, such burning and pure love which enters my soul and refuses to be content with just occupying the first chamber...but demands all of me...mind, body and soul...help me surrender to the flames of your passion, of your desire for union for us...and for me to forgive and be forgiven...oh grace...grace...grace...

Meh, I can't believe how whiny I am when I am so sleepy.
Ack. >_< I have half a mind to travel back in time and slap myself.

Oh well...I feel better...I just wish I wasn't so nauseated and dizzy...you can't win them all...so thank you for letting me be alive Daddy. ^_^

I'm tired of the base...the darker self...the gauntlet of emotions that I run every time a minor imperfection appears.

I want to breath.
I want feel free.
Even from the addiction of self hate.

Can I ever be free to just enjoy the perfect imperfections of life?
Without this crippling need for perfection and the want to throw a fit just because every single sub atomic particle isn't floating my way?

I disgust myself because I can have everything 'perfect' and a simple, minor detail can go wrong and I freak out...and...just...

I am, I am, I am.
Such wonderful ignorance
mixed with sin.

I don't know.
Only You do.
I am too exhausted to sort this crap out and the medications are starting to overpower me.


Just...please don't leave me here all alone.
Please.

hURT...

I sometimes have to wonder...if love requires more faith than I can ever truly possess.

It is amazing what fear can cause...the emotions it evokes and how much energy it can drain.

I guess I am overly dramatic.
...is this bad in and of itself?
What change should I make...would I make to just...

I know and I don't know what my base problem is.
At the same time.
In the full extremes.


"I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"

Psalm 96

"Sing to the Lord; praise his name.
Each day proclaim the good news that he saves.
Publish his glorious deeds among the nations.
Tell everyone about the amazing things he does."
-Psalm 96:2-3

The darkest reaches of my soul flee from the light and try to carry the rest of me there...under this groomed exterior of silence and meekness is this raging sea of anger, judgmental attitudes, fear, rage, lust, hate and every vile thing that ever was or will be.

My potential for evil knows no end and I have paid for it...as well as others.

Yet, my Jesus never has given up on me.
The Lamb slain from the foundation of the world looked and saw how stupid I would be...yet not only was my name called but you love me...love me for reasons I will never understand.

I am so broken, so needy, so selfish, so quick to get angry over nothing in this house...and yet, you love me through every unlovable moment I have.



You are mighty, so wonderful and amazing for loving me.
You could have left me to my sin but you didn't...thank you Daddy.
I want this love to become deeper, more intimate...I want the union between us to be so strong that the world will know.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...I'm so sorry for the past, for those I have caused pain...I will never be able to fix it...but please help me to live honestly and sincerely...and just openly about my failures and the grace you have given to fix it, to fix me...to love me.

Thank you again and again Daddy, thank you.

Song of Songs 2:10-14

" My lover spoke and said to me,
"Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, and come with me.

See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land.

The fig tree forms its early fruit;
the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me."

My dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely."
-Song of Songs 2:10-14