It may seem silly...but a few words do go a long way...a long, long way actually...

Everything that was and will Never be

Hope.
Hope.
Hope.

God I just want to feel,
break me out
pull me out
and save me from my Hell.

Everything
falling
just breaking
and becoming
whatever it will be.

I miss my Muse.
The inspiration
beyond understand
replaced
by self condemnation,
doubt and guilt.

Hope.
Beautiful hope
that none of this will remain
but that
peace will soon overflow.

Spiraling Out of Control

Seeing life as I see
falling out of sync
and full of speed,
I reach full momentum
and feel the rips form
as I fall away
just away from you.

It's another day
just another way
of realizing
everything
just all that is
and will ever be
is limited by the finite
and I will be forced
to say my farewells
kissing everyone goodbye.

Innocent whims of hope
wanting to feel
and know the dawn is coming
and that I'll never be alone.

Just silly childish things
like my heart in my chest
loosing ground because of the pain.

What is real?
I am digging this hole
just to throw everything
so I can tangibly feel my regret
and embrace this stupidity inside.

It gnaws at my soul
and scratches on the inside of my chest
just with no true rest
on this perpetual
and madding
course.

What is this?
I am not sure I ever really knew.
Regret fills my soul
at the pain I have caused.
Innocent to everything but what mattered.

I just wanted to love and be loved
but...what are these inkling thoughts?
Such an endless and perpetual
struggle to breath.

This truly dies
only when it is closed.
Breath...press on...and live.

Quote of the Day:

"Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable."
-C.S. Lewis

Psalm 53

"Only fools say in their hearts,
“There is no God.”
They are corrupt, and their actions are evil;
not one of them does good!"
-Psalm 53:1

I have been this fool.
In just denying with how I love...how empty...how useless and pointless how I convey love.

It is the systematic breakdown of my cheap imitation of faithfulness.

I want to do good...but I never desire it...I want to desire hope...love...charity...goodwill...peace...compassion...love...love...love...

But my heart is wracked with all of these doubts and ill things.
Father...I'm sick...oh so sick.
I need You to heal me...to make me right again.

This...none of this...is right.

Help me start...anew.

Please.

With the people I have hurt...offended and pushed further from Your Love...please forgive me, help me to forgive myself and rededicate myself to living not to please them...or myself...but to simply receive and convey this infinitely beautiful love that is my drug, my oxygen...everything I need and want so badly.

=/

Oh dear...oh dear...I suppose there is no way you will know but I'm praying, have been praying and will continue to pray oh so fervently...

I am not really sure why I thought that...

Psalm 50

"Our God approaches,
and he is not silent.
Fire devours everything in his way,
and a great storm rages around him.
He calls on the heavens above and earth below
to witness the judgment of his people.
“Bring my faithful people to me—
those who made a covenant with me by giving sacrifices.”
Then let the heavens proclaim his justice,
for God himself will be the judge."
-Psalm 50:3-6


Foot in my mouth, I can't help but screw up and keep walking into the flames thinking I am doing something good when in fact I think the real reason I persist...the hole in my heart which refuses to be closed...that knows no end of want, desire and need...

Such utter madness.

And for what end?

You are my Judge, my Only One I wish to want, to need and desire...and I fall short time and time again...yet there is no wrath or judgment as I deserve...instead there has been grace...beautiful, endless and wondrous grace that has save a wretched man such as myself.

I could never approach You...thank You for coming to me...finding me and never leaving me alone...give me grace so that I might give grace unto others. Be the One Thing about me which is good, for nothing else ever will.



Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto. Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in saecula saeculorum.
Amen.

I hate feeling helpless to help...

Bah...breath.

I guess that is the best I can do on such short notice.

Well that and prayer.

Ridiculous amounts of prayer.

Three weeks?
Bah.

I have forgotten how much I really dislike this day...

Quote of the Day:

"Christians are all wounded healers-wandering sheep who are now shepherds. We are fish who are now fishermen and fisherwomen. We are the cracked, broken and chipped bricks of the house of God that now form a cathedral-little shards of tile and glass that fit into a larger mosaic."
-Mike Sares

Psalm 49

"Yet they cannot redeem themselves from death
by paying a ransom to God.
Redemption does not come so easily,
for no one can ever pay enough
to live forever
and never see the grave."
-Psalm 49:7-9


There is so much in life that I do not understand...and I am no longer sure I want to understand...there is no comfort in knowledge, no redemption or love to be found. Knowledge itself can be so dangerous...so misguiding without love.

I'm not sure I can find my way in this world...I am not even sure what it is I have been getting to angry about, fighting about, fighting for...I am just...tired of beating myself with every self-righteous reason just to find myself still apart from You.

I am tired of trying to find happiness on my own...apart from You, apart from any real meaning...I want...God I need the strength to stand and walk away from everything that isn't true.


Your Love is the only thing I can believe, the only thing I can trust in to be consistent. This beauty...this wonder...this inescapable wonder that seizes me whenever You draw near...

I need Your love and grace like I need oxygen...it brings my soul back to life...it revives these decaying bones and reminds me what it truly to live and die. I want to hunger and thirst for the righteousness found in the gospel...and to have the desire to share this love with all.

After all, what is there to life...if I am simply going to lay here and die?
Was I born to merely lay here and suffer?
Or is it possible the agony that rips through me is meant to break me so I can be reforged, refocused and brought to a higher purpose?

It is too easy to hear what I want to hear while reading Your Word...teach me truth so I may live it and carry it in my soul.


"I've grown tired of chasing
Convinced I was in need
And now the years I've spent
Only a slave to this
Tomorrow will fall
And today is already gone
I will no longer adore
These things that will never satisfy me

I have seen my world change
And then go back to where it came
In this vicious cycle
We are brought back to like
Only to die again
But without these barren obsessions
I am simply free"

It is daytime.
There is a sun up.
Stuff is going on.
Life and life.

Two weeks of nothing...God I'm sad to keep track of that.
And...

I'm just too tired to bother with crying right now.
I think I can settle for a sigh and a prayer.

I really have the urge to climb up and sit on the roof of the house despite the strong winds, torrential downpour of rain and the incredibly close bursts of lightning.

The feeling of the storm pushing, pulling and tearing against me might snap me back to reality.

I am sick to death of what feels like this falseness coating me and those I share this trip of life with.

Am I a leper?
How about scum?
Am I the villain?

I am just me.

The voice of darkness screams out to hate myself, to destroy me, to cut into myself, to rip myself apart and die in shame.

I am sick of living in the shadows of worry of the thoughts of everyone else, thoughts that do nothing but pave the way to destruction.

I want to just be me...whoever that really is.

People do define...but they can't be the only means thereof.

In the end no one else will take care of me when the world comes crashing down.

Explosion.

Ack.

Psalm 48

"How great is the Lord
how deserving of praise,
in the city of our God,
which sits on his holy mountain!"
-Psalm 48:1

The last thing on my mind right now is how great, how wonderful and how praise worthy You are. I'm upset, I'm weak, I'm exhausted, I'm needy...is that some sort of theme?

I complain, whine, throw tantrums...I yell, get mad, pretend I know what is going on.

There are so many words thrown around while I like to pretend I am somehow profound.

You are the great equalizer...we're all on the same field when we are before You.
I am small...but want to learn to love...to trust.

I do not want to just fall into despair and the dark ocean of apathy...I want to float about this and feel what it means to be alive...and feel...and love...

Why...just...why?

Please...say something?
I feel like I'm going insane from the silence...

Oie.

Psalm 47

"He chose the Promised Land as our inheritance,
the proud possession of Jacob’s descendants, whom he loves."
-Psalm 47:4

Reading through the Psalms...is sort of frustrating.
I feel even more obligated to praise You...even when I do not want to.
Is that horrible?

I just...wish I was not hurting, aching, feeling melancholy and sad over losses...

Yet...You know what YOU are doing...I have on clue as to what is going on...or what it even means to show love. I am shallow, so short sighted, so self obsessed and apathetic towards those in need of help...but You are beautiful and still making me beautiful.

You have always known my broken nature and every drop of sin permeating my soul..and yet there is love. Such endless beauty, grace that pierces this heart of stone...to say thank You feels like such an incredible understatement to One as magnificent as You.

Thank You for making me, for having a plan for my life...that this is not just a random collision of cause and effect...but that Love is the overarching theme...as painful and impossible to understand as that truly is.

More than a plot of land...You have a place for me...I want and need Your rest so very much...not just being pleased with the little drops that life gives then takes away...but the peace that comes only from Your grace.

You see the hollowness in my heart and have made me lovable...help me to show that love to You and others...I want to be faithful at the task before me. No matter the pain, the fear or how the end shall come...help me to not just endure but overcome.

Please.



"This vacant emptiness,
this hollow is eating
stabs through my side like thorns, so defeating
The glint of gold, sparks of silver, shining
the slightest breath of why we're pining
We take the crumbs like our hearts are at peace
We are far too easily pleased

Quicksilver, quicksilver
Shadows dodge and fade
something less than why we're made

I need this burning inside me
this brilliant aura, this electricity
I'm being haunted by specters of what might be
of imperfections, of nearness to beauty
As life butchers, so sweet yet so sickening
we have betrayed, for each tiny flickering"

Turns out I'm a narcissist!
Hooray!

I could lie and say a simple hi would suffice...but it would never be quite enough...

Oh well...still praying for some true resolution outside of simply awaiting the end of this age.